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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have been pissed off and rude

113 replies

mummyandpig · 18/12/2011 11:08

I was pretty pissed off at the time but am now wondering if I was unnecessarily rude to this woman.

I was in the lift at John Lewis with my 9 month old and a woman started cooing over him, telling him what lovely eyes he had etc. So she was being kind and friendly but she then turned to me and asked me if I was his nanny. I am in my early 20s and can only assume that she presumed I was too young to have a baby, which is obviously silly.

I glared at her and told her I was his mother and asked why she presumed that I wasn't? She looked confused and a bit taken a back and then we left the lift.

TBH, I think I am being a bit over sensitive but this sort of thing has happened to me before and I find it incredibly patronising and irritating.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 18/12/2011 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 18/12/2011 13:00

If you respond rudely to something as trivial as that I wonder about your manners in general tbh.

Original poster
mummyandpig · 18/12/2011 13:09

I've already explained that I don't think I am generally a rude person, but this is something that hits a nerve. As I said in my OP, I have had comments like this before. Not all positive comments either.

Whoever said I am paranoid is probably right. I am paranoid that people are judging me because I'm a younger mother and this is partially due to the way people have behaved towards me.

People tend to address my husband when asking about our child and ignore me (husband is considerably older). It gets annoying after a while.

However, as I said before I accept that I was rude to that woman, which is regrettable.

OP posts:
rabbid · 18/12/2011 13:13

i think the woman asking you if you were his nanny is the rude one here!

MabelLucyAttwell · 18/12/2011 13:15

I was in a supermarket not so long ago and the young girl checkout operator finished every sentence with , " 'Darlin' ". Fed up with it, I asked her if she called everyone 'Darlin'. She said no more until the end and then I was addressed as 'Madam'. That's how it should be (or Sir if the customer is a man).

Anyway, a stranger once thought that my mother was my sister. Mother was pleased but I was 15 so I was not.

Original poster
mummyandpig · 18/12/2011 13:19

Yes, I still think she was ignorant but I probably could have dealt with it better.

OP posts:
AsinineLadiesDancing · 18/12/2011 13:20

I'm 42, and still get told that I'm not old enough to have four children.

By my reckoning I could have four at 20, easily Confused

People say strange things...

YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe · 18/12/2011 13:22

Like Vivi I think YANBU to be annoyed but YABU to be rude.

It can be really annoying being taken for younger than you are. Recently I was at a work meeting (I work at a university) and someone from another organisation said how nice it was that they let MA students sit in in on these meetings Angry I have also been told by the parents of students that 'you look very young'. I think voicing an assumption that someone is younger/ junior is often a backhanded slight so YABU on that score.

But if it happens again, I'd just look mystified and say 'No, this is my son, of course'. That makes the point whilst not being actually rude.

skybluepearl · 18/12/2011 13:22

you over reacted.

ViviPrudolf · 18/12/2011 13:25

Reading this board, it never ceases to amaze me how often people say ridiculously insensitive things. I'm going to be at least 33 if I ever get round to dropping any Prulets, can't wait for the older mother comments. Bring them on, morons.

yellowraincoat · 18/12/2011 13:26

Sometimes people come out with things without really thinking about it. YABU.

Emmac50 · 18/12/2011 13:26

I have young brothers and they were born when I was 14 and 16. I obviously babysat them and went to town with them. The amount of times I would get horrid looks from 40 something mums makes you think how judgmental and nasty people can be it does change the way you are. You either get over it or get consumed by it. Hopefully the first. The good thing about having a baby early is you can then start and keep up with your career at a reasonable age...smile and stay happy xSmile

Laquitar · 18/12/2011 13:29

mummyandpig, early twenties is young comparing to some older mums but it is not that young to make you so self-concious.

I can see why you got so pissed off after reading your next post but i think the fact that people talk to your dh and not to you might be because he is more dominant in social situations. I'm also wondering if he calls you 'young' aswell?

Dustinthewind · 18/12/2011 13:29

So now the woman will think of you as a young mum and a stroppy teenager as well.
She won't try being nice to someone like that again in a hurry.

exoticfruits · 18/12/2011 13:30

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly people take offense-it is a wonder that people dare comment on anything!
It was an over reaction. I would take it as a compliment, it is far, far better than the opposite end of the scale when they ask if it is your grandchild!!

Firawla · 18/12/2011 13:30

I think you overreacted, maybe she just sees a lot of nannys around so thats why she asked, it does not necessarily have to be about your age. I think you know you were bu to be rude, so next time just answer in a more friendly way, I'm sure she did not mean offence maybe she did not think through her question properly.
Sometimes people ask me if my dc are all mine (there's only 3 of them so not like a crazy amount! but all are young) so i just smile and say yes.. I could react in a rude way like what are you trying to say,im too young to have dc?? you think my children are too close in age?? have you mistaken me for the childminder?? bla bla bla... but really people are just wondering or making conversation so just be polite, im sure they dont even care that much its only chit chat!

MyBoyJakey · 18/12/2011 13:31

I'm 33 and get asked for ID when I buy alcohol! I pretty much always have DS (4.6) with me - goodness knows who the checkout person thinks I am to DS!

Maybe you were a bit rude, but easier done if you were feeling a bit run down Smile

Original poster
mummyandpig · 18/12/2011 13:32

Thanks, Emmac.

No, I don't think the fact that I am considered young to be a mum/younger than he is really crosses my husband's mind. Although he is aware of people's attitudes to our family.

OP posts:
diddl · 18/12/2011 13:32

"She won't try being nice to someone like that again in a hurry."

How was she trying to be nice, though?

There were lots af other things she could have asked/said if she was just making conversation.

Dustinthewind · 18/12/2011 13:37

'a woman started cooing over him, telling him what lovely eyes he had etc. So she was being kind and friendly but she then turned to me and asked me if I was his nanny.'

'"She won't try being nice to someone like that again in a hurry."

How was she trying to be nice, though?
There were lots af other things she could have asked/said if she was just making conversation.'

Next time she'll keep her mouth shut. Or sigh and roll her eyes when the toddler starts yelling or snivelling about something instead of attempting to be pleasant.
Way to make a happier and more tolerant world.

Original poster
mummyandpig · 18/12/2011 13:40

dustin it's not like I punched her in the face. Hmm

OP posts:
rabbid · 18/12/2011 13:40

you do tend to see alot of older mothers in john lewis though Wink

it would have been better if the woman hadn't said anything!! sounds like she had her judgepants on

diddl · 18/12/2011 13:42

"Next time she'll keep her mouth shut. "

Job done, then!

edam · 18/12/2011 13:46

It's far worse the other way round, when people ask if you are Granny... Jo Brand apparently got asked that by Tessa Jowell when she was picking up her daughters from school.

I used to get raised eyebrows when I took my youngest sister out when she was tiny - she's 14 years younger than me so some people clearly assumed I was a teenage mother. My sister caught onto this when she was about four and took great enjoyment in calling me 'Mummy' deliberately. Grin

Dustinthewind · 18/12/2011 13:46

You glared at her for no real reason OP.
The next time you are in a cafe, on a bus or wherever and an older woman looks disapprovingly at your child instead of bleating about his lovely eyes, you may make the connection. What goes around comes around.
I find many young mothers inconsiderate and self-absorbed, but I usually keep those opinions to myself.