to demand DH put dangerous things out of DS's reach?

[sprinkles77]

DS is 21 months and obviously very inquisitive and an agile climber. This morning I found him playing with a box of paracetamol that DH had left on his desk. I suspect they taste too nasty for him to actually eat, but you never know, and he could certainly choke on one. This happens fairly frequently, also with coins. DH was at work, I had no idea they were there and I was in the shower. I am beyond livid. I phoned him at work to bollock him. I warned him, as I have done before, that if I have to call from intensive care or worse still the morgue, he won't be seeing either or us ever again. Why do I have to be the only one taking responsibility for DS's safety?

Im not saying her husband wasn't wrong. I was saying she was equally as wrong especially as she has said he has been known to do it in the past - surely that would make you check even more not wait til something did happen to start acting upon it?

And I am sure it was left by mistake. I very much doubt her husband left it there on purpose knowing the child would go into the room, reach onto the desk and start playing with it!!

The checking before you leave the room should be an extra safety measure not carte blanche for the dh to leave all kinds of dangerous shit within reach. The op could miss something even if she did check. It is safest if they are both vigilant.
What does your dh do when HE is looking after your ds? Does he put stuff away or just rely on watching him all the time and hope he doesn't grab anything and put it in his mouth before he can stop him? What I'm trying to say is does he only leave stuff lying round because he thinks you'll pick up after him?

"How is the OP meant to feel safe leaving their child with his own Dad if he doesn't even seem to realise how fucking stupid it is to leave paracetamol lying around where a child could get hold of it? "

Probably the same way her DH is meant to feel safe leaving the child with his own mother when she doesn't seem to realise how fucking stupid it is to be out of eye and earshot of a free ranging agile climber of a toddler.

Like I said, both are risks. You take risks when parenting all the time, however it is really nasty to place the whole blame on the other party when you are taking equal risks. Not only was 100% of the blame placed at the feet of the DH, it was done in a hugely OTT way. Saying that if she has to phone from intensive care/the morgue it would be the last he sees of them? When in this case it was half her fault? Truly abhorrent.

There are plenty of things that could have gone wrong in the 10 minutes or so the OP was in the shower - most of them without any blame being able to be placed with the DH. Yet somehow, the OP is "the only one taking responsibility" for their child's safety.

Both of them are to blame for the near miss.
Both of them need to accept responsibility.

Sorry x post. I'm not suggesting the dh left it there deliberately for his ds to find it. Just that he doesn't see the point of point of putting medicine/choking hazards away if the op is there.
It is much easier for him to clear up after himself than for the op to keep her toddler within arms reach all day trying to ensure he doesn't grab a coin and quickly put it in his mouth imo.
I do agree though that, particularly with a man like this, the op needs to be extra vigilant with checking what's where before leaving the child unattended.

DoesntChristmasDragOn being in eye/earshot isn't going to necessarily stop a child grabbing and choking on something - that can happen in the blink of an eye. Even if the op is with the child 100% of the time the dh leaving coins/medicines lying around regularly is hazardous. We're not talking about the dh absent mindedly forgetting to put things away once or twice. He is doing it regularly.

Leaving a child for a few minutes to shower is not the same as leaving drugs within reach. One may result in a fall off the sofa, the other in a trip to A&E. Yes, of course the OP should have checked what her DS could reach, but her DH needs to take responsibility and ownership for such a dangerous thing.

Maybe I'm fucking stupid, because I left DS every single day while I had a shower. Nothing ever happened because he was in a childproofed house and I did check things over because mistakes happen.. but if DP shrugged off the responsibility of something like this I would not be impressed.

ermmm Jareth although I can see where you are coming from a fall off the sofa could also very easily lead to a trip to A and E!

"One may result in a fall off the sofa, the other in a trip to A&E."

PMSL. And one may result in the child falling from a height and hitting its head and a trip to A&E and the other a child playing with a packet coming to no harm. You can't tell what will happen.

Yes, bad example perhaps but hopefully you can see what I'm trying to say :)

I'm going now before I start frothing

Not my sofa - very low plus fluffy carpet. Plus a child can fall over and hit their head anytime - there's no legislating for it. It's quite easy to put medicines away and only takes a minute. The op has discussed it with her dh before and he still insists on doing it. Sounds like he's more concerned with being stubborn than keeping his child safe.

Some children are "safer" to be left alone than others. None of mine ever bothered climbing onto things, opening cupboards or assorted other things. I still didn't leave them where I couldn't either see or hear them. This child can open the front door, opens internal doors, climbs, would open cupboards etc ... not a child to be left completely unsupervised.

"Sounds like he's more concerned with being stubborn than keeping his child safe."

Yes, I'm sure he left them out deliberately, just to prove a point.

How would being able to hear a child stop them choking on something/swallowing tablets?

Well the op has said that he does it regularly and when challenged has said that she should be watching him. So presumably he wants the op to be withing arms reach of the child all day so he doesn't pop anything in his mouth. Because that's what it would take. Of course there is always a risk of a child getting hold of something they shouldn't. But making no effort to put things out of reach multiplies that risk a lot.

If he had said 'sorry I meant to put them in the cupboard' then fair enough but he didn't. And it doesn't sound like he thinks he should.

I feel that in a house with a toddler/baby, ALL of the older occupants should be aware of the safety of the toddler and put things away accordingly. Even my 7 year old knows that if there is something like a box of tablets, or some small toys laying around, they need to go out of the 2 year old's reach.

The OP's husband sounds like he is being arrogant and pig-headed. Yes of course the parent that is home with the child at any given time should watch them, but IMO the responsibility of keeping a child safe falls on both parents.

So this just confirms his attitude. We have had to make an emergency trip to labour ward because I'm bleeding. He puts DS in his car seat and off we go. After a while I turn round to chat to DS. Only to find that, again despite having had this conversation before, he is strapped in but the straps are not tightened properly. Just underlines that I cannot rely in DH to keep DS safe. And now I'm stressing because they are alone together. Just what I need while sitting waiting for a scan to check out this bleeding.

Oh no Sprinkles, hope you are ok. Do you think he might do these things badly on purpose so that you end up doing everything for your DS? Or is he just a selfish arse?

Ok sprinkles sounds like your DH is being a bit too blasé - I would have gone mental at the carseat thing. I think you need to explain in no uncertain terms the implications. I do think some dads take a different view of risks (more of a "it'll be fine" until something goes wrong) to mums (who will anticipate possible danger first). Ask him what he's playing at.

When I saw the belt situation I just glanced at DH and sorted it out. DH accused me of looking for things to tell him off about. I'm really upset. On top of the bleeding of course.

Tell him that you will pull him up on things like that and you won't stop doing it until he learns to parent HIS child safely

hex I don't know what his motivation is. I just don't think he gets it. He was so upset about me bleeding, but surely in the general scheme of things a miscarriage (if thats what is it) is less of a concern than harm to our toddler. It is certainly unavoidable, unlike DS being thrown through the windscreen of our car an being maimed or killed. DH will openly admit to laziness and he can be very thoughtless sometimes. And great at others. He is just so wrapped up on his own world and concerns and can't think beyond that. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Leave him to it and risk an accident? Correct his mistakes quietly and move on, never able to fully trust him? Or keep reminding him of safe procedures and picking him up on errors, knowing that each time it ends in a row and accusations of nit picking, control freakery and intentionally trying to find fault? I'm sure my tone of voice does not help, but I have lost my patience for this now.

I don't blame you for losing patience, I really don't. My DH is a bit useless and selfish at times but generally he is good at taking care of the DCs. I can put up with a bit of washing left on the floor or the odd plate left laying around, if it means he straps the youngest in the car properly etc.

I totally see your point of not wanting an accident to happen, hence you having to re-do what he has done and correct him. He is being childish and defensive when you pull him up on things. I guess if I was in your situation I would have to have a long, hard think about whether I was prepared to stay with someone that couldn't be trusted with the children and was basically like having an extra child. I don't think I could put up with that long-term

This was one of the issues that lead me to split up with my Ex-P. He just was unable to accept me telling him how things were unsafe for the dc, yet he was also unable to take any responsibility for making things safe. And I got fed up with it, and I'm NOT the kind of person who keeps their frustrations internalised.

It WAS like having an extra child, and in the end , after 4 months of it, I couldn't do it any more. Ex-P and I have been split up for over 6 months now - and believe it or not, he is much MORE responsible now that we aren't together. On the rare occasions he takes 10mo DS3 out, he is vigilant and aware of danger. When I asked him why he couldn't/wouldn't be like that when we were together, he replied "Well, you were there, so it was your job. I have to do it now because you're not there".

You could talk to him outside of the situation - so sit down with him in the evening. The seatbelt thing you have to sort it there and then, bit you can tell him later why you were angry. He wouldn't forget his own seatbelt so why forget his child's? Laziness is not an excuse.