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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to demand DH put dangerous things out of DS's reach?

150 replies

sprinkles77 · 17/12/2011 13:47

DS is 21 months and obviously very inquisitive and an agile climber. This morning I found him playing with a box of paracetamol that DH had left on his desk. I suspect they taste too nasty for him to actually eat, but you never know, and he could certainly choke on one. This happens fairly frequently, also with coins. DH was at work, I had no idea they were there and I was in the shower. I am beyond livid. I phoned him at work to bollock him. I warned him, as I have done before, that if I have to call from intensive care or worse still the morgue, he won't be seeing either or us ever again. Why do I have to be the only one taking responsibility for DS's safety?

OP posts:

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 18/12/2011 08:45

"He can't expect you to watch your toddler 24/7."

I think he can reasonably assume she will be properly supervising him, yes. Popping to the toilet is different to a shower because 1) it is shorter and 2) you can hear what's going on.

The OP has over reacted and put the whole blame on her DH. She refuses to see that she is equally to blame for not supervising her child adequately. Putting the blame entirely on the DH is unfair and harsh and I believe she needs to apologise to him for over reacting.

I notice that there is now a list of things she is not prepared to do to keep her child safe. If she can't manage this with one, good luck when there are two.

Bunbaker · 18/12/2011 08:50

"I'm not locking him in a cage playpen"

I don't understand this mentality about not using playpens. DD was happy to play in hers because I started using it when she was 6 months old. I lived in a large old house with bare stone walls in the dining room and an unforgiving quarry tiled floor in the kitchen. A playpen was the only solution for me when I wanted to cook/wash up/go to the toilet etc. I don't see it as a prison and neither did DD. It was a safe play area and suited us both.

I also don't understand why the idea of bathing or showering just before bed, instead of in the morning, is such a bad idea, unless you get horribly sweaty every night.

TheChristmasCountessOlenska · 18/12/2011 08:55

Bunbaker until what age did you put your DD in a playpen?

Bunbaker · 18/12/2011 09:04

I can't remember, but at 21 months she wouldn't have been able to climb out. Also, she wasn't as into everything as the OP's child. I friend of mine told me that boys are far more inquisitive and into everything than girls at that age.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 18/12/2011 09:28

God I'm glad I didn't come across a thread like this when DS was tiny..

4madboys · 18/12/2011 09:44

no yanbu op your dh SHOULD have put the paracetamol away, its not hard get paracetamol from cupboard, take what you need then put them away in the cupboard where child cant reach, its what happens in my house.

and i shower when my kids are all up and about, i sometimes take 12mth dd up with me and shut the gate at the top of the stairs, also shut my bedroom and ds1 an ds2's bedrooms door and then she can play on the landing, in the smaller boys bedrooms which are fairly baby proofed and ihave the bathroom door open so she can come in and out and i can hear her.

or i leave her downstairs with the elder boys, just shutting the kitchen gate the sitting rm and dining rm are fine for her to crawl around in.

why should the op have to go round and check that her dh hasnt left stuff out? they are both parents to a toddler all it takes is a bit of common sense to put stuff away and not just leave it assuming the other partner will supervise 100% so child wont find anything they couldnt be arsed to put away!

Sirzy · 18/12/2011 09:48

But surely if you are leaving your child with open access to a room you should check its safe first? Not assume someone else has checked!! Better safe than sorry and all that!

RomanChristingle · 18/12/2011 11:46

I didn't say the op shouldn't keep an eye on him. I just said that you can't watch them every second. It is entirely sensible to have a belt and braces approach of supervising your child and putting medicines/things they can choke on out of harms way imo. It would be easy for them to get something like that off a table during a quick loo trip. And what would you be listening out for? Coughs when they choked on something? Surely it's better to do everything you can to prevent that happening in the first place.

RomanChristingle · 18/12/2011 11:50

But equally I agree a quick scan of the surfaces before you go up for a shower is a must anyway. One day even the op might forget to put something out of reach. We are all human.
If dh did stuff like that regularly though and didn't seem to give a shit when I pointed it out it would piss me off.

SoAngryICouldFuckingScream · 18/12/2011 12:14

We have a system that works except for when DH is thoughtless, and I am naive enough to trust him

You 2 have massive issues - and they aren't dh leaving stuff around - you sound so much like my exh it scares me.

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 18/12/2011 13:18

"they are both parents to a toddler all it takes is a bit of common sense to put stuff away and not just leave it assuming the other partner will supervise 100% so child wont find anything they couldnt be arsed to put away!"

Equally, all it takes is a bit of common sense not to assume dangerous things haven't been forgot about and assume that the other parker has put 100% of any potential hazards away.

As you said they are both parents to a toddler. Had the DH not forgotten to move the paracetamol from his desk nothing would have happened. Had the OP been supervising her child nothing would have happened. Both are at fault and to point the finger at one partner only is stupid.

ChaoticAngel · 18/12/2011 15:12

So what happens if the OP ever has to leave the DC in the sole care of her DH? Surely she should be able to do that without worrying about whether or not he has left paracetamol, or something else, lying around.

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 18/12/2011 15:42

Surely he should be able to leave the child in the care of the OP without worrying that she will leave him unattended long enough for him to get into trouble.

[shrug] It works both ways.

Original poster

sprinkles77 · 18/12/2011 18:35

Thank you chaotic. DS is often alone with DH. I hope he is safe, but clearly cannot be sure. I feel like I have to patrol constantly. And ask and remind constantly. It's my responsibility whether I'm present or not, but never DH's.

OP posts:

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 18/12/2011 18:52

So, you think you are wholly without blame?

FeebleFeebie · 18/12/2011 18:58

OP you sound quite contemptuous and belittling of your husband

i feel sorry for him. Why cant you speak to him as an equal instead of as an overbearing dominant parent speaking to a naughty boy

Original poster

sprinkles77 · 18/12/2011 19:16

I'm not wholly without blame. I certainly could have supervised more closely. I could use a play pen or restrict DS's access to certain parts of the house (which is what I am now doing since reading these responses). I just want DH to help me out by putting the dangerous things that he last used somewhere safe, so that the responsibility is not always entirely mine. And so that I can leave DS with his father without constantly stressing.

. My original question was AIBU to demand that DH puts the medication away. So a fair proportion of you say I ABU. That it's up to me to ensure DS's safety including monitoring what DH leaves out and clearing up if required. DH has no responsibility, needs to make no contribution. Oh and I should spend every moment DS is awake either watching him closely or confining him. And then when he sleeps I can then wash and do all the house work. In addition to working part time. Maybe your husbands work fewer hours. Or you get more help at home.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 18/12/2011 19:20

Im a single mum but still manage to watch DS closely all the time he is awake. It isn't that hard!!

Things get left where they shouldn't be, nobody is perfect and nobody can say that occasionally they haven't left something where it can be reached accidentally. That is why with toddlers you have to have a suitable level of supervision to try to reduce the chance of accidents happening.

Surely its not hard to see if you give your child free roam of the house while you are in the shower so can't supervise even from a distance that is a recipe for an accident?

RomanChristingle · 18/12/2011 19:42

Even if the op was with the child 100% of the time its stupid to leave that stuff lying round. A child can pick up and swallow a coin in seconds. Even with someone there. The dh sounds lazy and not particularly concerned about the safety of his child.

RomanChristingle · 18/12/2011 19:48

Sirzy I disagree. I don't thin showering with your toddler out of sight is a recipe for disaster. I have never used a playpen for ds. I tried but he screamed and screamed. So I childproofed the place as much as practical. Nothing he can choke on is left within reach and chemicals/medicines are in a locked cupboard. Before I go to the toilet/shower I have a quick glance around to check nothing has been left out that shouldn't be. That is much safer in my view than just leaving dangerous stuff everywhere and 100% relying on supervision. It only takes a second for a toddler to put something in their mouth they could choke on.

Sirzy · 18/12/2011 19:51

But OP didn't check that or it wouldn't have happened in the first place. I thought checking before leaving them went without saying but obviously not!!

naturalbaby · 18/12/2011 20:41

sprinkles what is your dh's response in all of this? no matter how many times i ask/nag/demand my dh does x, y or z to help me out/make my life easier there are some things he just doesn't do. he can't/won't/doesn't get it now and never will. i know it, i deal with it.

I am having various issues at the moment and not coping very well. you sound like me a few months ago.
you need to look at the bigger picture and where things are going if things stay as they are.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 18/12/2011 20:44

Obviously the OP should have looked around the room and checked it first, but her DH shouldn't have left medicine lying around. The fact that the OP didn't double check the room doesn't mean that her DH has the right to just leave crap all over the house and just assume his wife will put it away for him.

How is the OP meant to feel safe leaving their child with his own Dad if he doesn't even seem to realise how fucking stupid it is to leave paracetamol lying around where a child could get hold of it?

RomanChristingle · 18/12/2011 20:45

But Sirzy checking should be a back up for if anyone has left anything dangerous lying around by mistake imo. The dh is leaving stuff like this lying round regularly and doesn't seem to be bothered.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 18/12/2011 20:45

"Im a single mum but still manage to watch DS closely all the time he is awake. It isn't that hard!!"

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