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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my ex has just announced he wants the kids for christams

108 replies

workshy · 17/12/2011 10:08

my ex -who hates christmas, has never had anything to do with it and spent the last one we were together in bed, -has just messaged me to say he is assuming he is having the kids this christmas as I had them last year!!!

this is the first time he has mentioned christmas, it's my weekend to have them (mutual agreement, no court order) they are expecting to go to my parents with their cousins and are looking forward to it, he hasn't bought them any 'santa' presents

just want to tell him to fuck right off but would should I consider it?

(they are 8&10 btw, last year he came to see them for an hour in the morning before we went to my mums, and I have no problem with him doing that again)

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 17/12/2011 10:10

what do the kids want to do?

RaraGigglePixie · 17/12/2011 10:12

Say No, that you've already made plans and the kids are looking forward to them and it's too late to change them.

He can spend Christmas with the kids next year.

WorraLiberty · 17/12/2011 10:12

I was just about to say it's far too late to change your plans...but then I read they are 8 and 10.

Have you asked them what they'd like to do?

Mind you even then, it's a bit late to ask.

Original poster
workshy · 17/12/2011 10:12

I haven't asked them -they are with him, but last week they were saying they are excited about going to my mums as we don't all get together very often (sis often works christmas day)

they have also said they like waking up at home on christmas day -my house is home, daddy's house is daddy's house!

OP posts:
MistressFrankly · 17/12/2011 10:13

I would say to him that he has left making arrangements late, especially as falls on your weekend but you are happy for him to come over like last year. He might not make a fuss over christmas but your DCs will and he cant hijack plans this late in the day when by the sounds of it they are looking forward to what you have arranged.

And i would make a mental note to thrash it out way in advance next year as you dont want him doing this every year.

squeakytoy · 17/12/2011 10:15

Sounds like he might well be talking to the kids about it right now then, if he is with them.

Hopefully he wont be putting emotional blackmail onto them.

I would ring him up and speak to him rather than play text swapping.

pingu2209 · 17/12/2011 10:17

I honestly think that 8 and 10 are too young to ask them what they want to do. Asking them the question will put them under pressure as they will want to please both you and their dad; it won't be fair.

I would speak to him 'reasonably' and say that you can understand that he may have believed that it was alternate Christmas routine, but as he had not mentioned it before and it is only 1 week before Christmas, doesn't he think it is a little late to mention it now as you had made plans. You could say that had he mentioned it 2 or so months ago, which is pretty much the time of year people start to make Christmas plans, then you would have had a grown up conversation with him about it. However, you think it is too late now.

However, I would offer him perhaps the whole morning with them so he can see them open their stockings, which you had already arranged and bought and wrapped.

I would meet him half way - purely for your children's sake.

valiumredhead · 17/12/2011 10:17

Can you compromise? Can they stay with you to open presents and then go to his later on? Could he come to you for a bit then go home - do you get on well enough to do that?
Tbh I think it's a bit late to be landing that on you a week before Xmas!

thepeoplesprincess · 17/12/2011 10:18

Tell him to jog on. My ex will be having mine for Christmas over my dead body. It's my reward for all those h;orrid freezing school runs, potty training, tantrums etc.

squeakytoy · 17/12/2011 10:20

Tell him to jog on. My ex will be having mine for Christmas over my dead body. It's my reward for all those h;orrid freezing school runs, potty training, tantrums etc

Children are not a possession, or a "reward". Hmm

thepeoplesprincess · 17/12/2011 10:25

Yeah, they are here. I do all the fucking work, and I'll be damned if I'm just going to let the ex swan in when he feels like it for the nice bits.

Akiram · 17/12/2011 10:27

Yeah, they are here. Hmm Nice.

ImperialBlether · 17/12/2011 10:27

No, squeakytoy, but if an ex does fuck all all year then I'd not let him have them for Christmas. Maybe you would be walked over like that - I wouldn't.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleepAtXmas · 17/12/2011 10:33

I do all the fucking work, and I'll be damned if I'm just going to let the ex swan in when he feels like it for the nice bits.

I agree with you, princess

MJinSparklyStockings · 17/12/2011 10:37

Self self self - it's not about you it's about your children - you need to find a compromise where you both get to see them.

MistressFrankly · 17/12/2011 10:38

princess* Surely christmas is about the kids? Maybe they would like to spend it with your ex one year?

DDs dad is a useless fecker but if he wants her for xmas day one year thats fine. There is christmas eve, boxing day and any other day i choose to have a seperate xmas. The way i see it DD gets spoiled twice. How can that not be a good thing?

I dont see compromise for the sake of you children as being walked over. As i said DDs dad isnt the greatest but i choose to try do the right thing and act like an adult so i can hold my head high knowing i am not a shitbag like him Xmas Grin

Its not easy but i want dd to have at least one grown up as a parent, and unfortunately for her i am as close as it gets.

MJinSparklyStockings · 17/12/2011 10:42

To save everyone repeating themselves read this thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1362597-To-expect-my-ex-to-see-his-son-on-Christmas-day-FROM-MY-POINT-OF-VIEW
the op starts off just like you - but she decides to put her son first.

Original poster
workshy · 17/12/2011 10:43

mj I hope that wasn't aimed at me?

If it was up to me he would never have anything to do with him but I swallow my feelings for my kids sake

my parents have already done their christmas shop, it's my sister's and mine only day off on the same day over christmas, the kids are expecting to go and he leaves it until a week before to say anything?

he is welcome all christmas morning but my parents are an hour away so we need to leave at 12

he has them thursday and friday because I asked his mum who he lives with if she would have them this week but he hasn't told me what days off he is having over christmas so I have had to arrange all the childcare over the hols without his input

do I need to give him any more???

OP posts:
NoOnesGoingToEatYourMincePies · 17/12/2011 10:46

If they are with him now and he has just sent you a text, what are the chances that he has only done so because he has heard them talking about going to your parents with their cousins?

LEttletownofBOFlehem · 17/12/2011 10:49

You've had some great advice- it's simply a case of him leaving it too late, but you have room for a bit of compromise.

MJinSparklyStockings · 17/12/2011 10:50

He isn't the only one who left it til a week before Christmas op - you just assumed and made plans without taking him into account - in the spirit of co-operation - did you ask him before you made plans or did you just decide?

natation · 17/12/2011 10:50

pingu2209 and others are offering pretty good advice, it would have been a reasonable request had ex have offered several weeks ago....and with your greater wisdom, perhaps after this Christmas is the time to arrange for next Christmas and other holidays. You sound like a very reasonable person, unlike the peopleprincess and her responses.

AliBellandthe40jingles · 17/12/2011 10:51

YANBU.

Pick up the phone and speak to him now though, because I agree that it sounds like he might be discussing Christmas with them and they will probably be upset and feel wobbly if he is seeming to disregard the plans they know are in place.

hairytaleofnewyork · 17/12/2011 10:51

Perhaps he is actually trying to turn a new leaf put his kids first.

I hate all this "let" him talk. Even if he's been an arse in the past, he is their dad. It's not the resident parents role to "let" the other parent see their own children.

callmemrs · 17/12/2011 10:53

It's unreasonable of him to start all this a week before Xmas. However it sounds as though the kids can be with him xmas morning and then leave for your parents which sounds a reasonable arrangement.
I do think it would be sensible to start a discussion in' good time for next Xmas though, as the children may want to start spending alternate xmases with their nun and dad.

I am truly disgusted by the posters on here who treat their children as a possession, and use them as pawns to get back at the childrens father (Not directing that at you op )