my ex has just announced he wants the kids for christams

[workshy]

my ex -who hates christmas, has never had anything to do with it and spent the last one we were together in bed, -has just messaged me to say he is assuming he is having the kids this christmas as I had them last year!!!

this is the first time he has mentioned christmas, it's my weekend to have them (mutual agreement, no court order) they are expecting to go to my parents with their cousins and are looking forward to it, he hasn't bought them any 'santa' presents

just want to tell him to fuck right off but would should I consider it?

(they are 8&10 btw, last year he came to see them for an hour in the morning before we went to my mums, and I have no problem with him doing that again)

Actually, no Mistress. Christmas is not just about the kids. I'm a person too.

I don't care if it's unfair. Lots of things about being a SP are unfair, and I fully intend to take advantage of the one time of the year that the unfairness works in my favour.

It wasn't "fair" that he used his 10 stone weight advantage to batter me. It isn't "fair" that he hasn't given me a single penny in maintenance whilst he sticks more up his nose in a night out than I ;can afford to spend on food shopping in a month. It isn't "fair" that he's off out shagging a 22 year old whilst I'm stuck in on my own every night with the kids.

So if he, you, Thomas The Tank Engine or anyone else whinges at me that it isn't "fair" that he doesn't get the kids for Xmas, then you can go and fucking whistle quite frankly.

MJ - if it is the OP's usual weekend though, then surely the onus is on her ex to raise the subject if he wants to alter that arrangement?

a few weeks ago he sent me a particularly nasty email (he has been trying to argue with me about maintainance because he doesn't pay any and I've asked for some) when he said he will only be having the children from 6pm friday on his weekends, and for 2 weeks in the six weeks holiday

he wouldn't let me see dd1 on her birthday in october because it was his weekend (which I explained to her by saying it was daddy's weekend and daddy likes to see her too, and we did something 2 days later) -I'm not sure that I should have seen this coming?

I'm with Princess on this. It isn't 'fair' that some us of have lived a nightmare for years and now we've finally got out of it, we are supposed to paint a smile on and bow down again to the demands of abusive men. It's not 'fair' that I've spent a year battling through the courts to get measures in place to protect me and my kids. It's not fair that he doesn't play a bloody penny for his kids. My ex made his sordid bed and can lie in it. The children are happy to be at home on Christmas Day - they haven't even batted an eyelid about the fact that he won't be around (his choice before anyone starts) And of he thinks that the children will be at his house next Christmas, he can also jog on.

Think they are too young to have the responsibility of making this decision. And he is too late. Presumably you could leave the house a little later so he could visit in the am, or he could have them on Xmas eve? I dunno-if he was that bothered he would have thought about it before now...

I'm amazed the 2 of you didn't discuss this months ago. My ex and I sort out Christmas and New year arrangements very early. I think you were wrong to just expect to have the kids for Christmas and he is chancing his luck asking for them this late in the year.
I would say no this year as you have made plans and he should have discussed it earlier if he wanted to have the kids on one of your weekends. If it had been his weekend then I think you would have just had to accept he has the kids for Christmas if you hadn't said in advance you wanted to change the arrangements.
He will have them for the long weekend at New year I presume. Next year though the kids should go to their father's and you should sort it out in advance.
If the kids lived with their father you wouldn't like to never have them for Christmas just because they regard his house as "home".
Plenty of people are at relatives houses on Christmas morning so this is just your kids spending christmas morning with a relative and I don't think them wanting to be "at home" is much of a reason for them not sometimes spending xmas eve and day with their father.

MJ I think you are being a little harsh, and the other thread was nothing like this one (and I would be amazed if that OP really followed through with what she has said she will do, it's far too much a dramatic change of heart based on a lot of strangers opinions). The OP here hasn't said that she wants to keep them or that she will be alone and needs them or anything like that. She's just said her ex hates Christmas and hasn't bothered to speak about it until one week beforehand, which she feels is too short notice.

Christmas happens to fall on the weekend the OP was supposed to have the children so it would be natural to make plans based on that alone (again, nothing like the other thread where the mother had cancelled a prearranged access visit to suit herself because it falls on Christmas Eve/Day).

The OP's ex apparently hates Christmas and spent the last one he lived with her and his children in bed to avoid it.

The children are already looking forward to spending Christmas with their cousins and this last minute assumption on his part sounds more like he's thinking of himself (or perhaps his mother) than his children. He's made no real arrangements for giving them a nice Christmas at his house (such as the Santa presents).

This year I think it is far too late to change the arrangements other than to invite him over again on Christmas morning. But OP I think you do have to have the conversation now about what happens next year, so you all know well in advance who is spending it where and what is expected of everybody.

Or-just what the peoples princess said.

There is no such thing as a usual weekend on Christmas day.

Fwiw - we are currently on in the car our way out for "our" only Christmas day with dsd, because her mother despite her being 16, won't allow her with a 10 mile radius of her dad at Christmas.

Only despite the fact we are going over 2 hours drove away from home - dsd has just announced she needs to be back by 6 - as she has had to lie to her mother on order to see her dad.

My only aim (read my other posts on the other thread) is to stop other posters putting their children in the position she has been in all her life and that has effectively ruined her childhood.

If I can accommodate my exh after the things he put me through, (and they would make your toes curl) for the sake of our son, then I feel in q position to think other people should be able to as well, given that I practise what I speak.

Children invariably love both parents, and they are what should be most important.

And it doesn't matter if they are 8 10 or 20, they always hate beIng made to chose between their parents, dsd is 16 and she hates hates hates being forced to "chose" all the time

He shouldn't be paying YOU "maintainance" well not in Scottish law anyway, but he should be paying child support for your children. If he is paying nothing I would get on to the CSA as it is your children who are being deprived of money by you and your ex not sorting this out.
I think he has to act as an equal parent in contributing financially to the raising of his children and you have to start discussing school holidays with him in advance. Saying "he hasn't told me " about his holidays is only relevent if you've actually asked him about the holidays. This shouldn't be a last minute argument. That's stressful for the kids as well as the 2 of you.

"Fwiw - we are currently on in the car our way out for "our" only Christmas day with dsd, because her mother despite her being 16, won't allow her with a 10 mile radius of her dad at Christmas."

That's very sad MJ and that mother is wrong to do so (as I told the OP who was behaving the same way in the other thread) but it's not what the OP on this thread is doing.

otoh, men generally don't plan christmas - dh certainly doesnt think about it until december. he prob doesn't see beyond the need to decorate, get some food, and buy some presents, so has only just thought about where the kids will be. if he sees them regularly, why can't he have them at xmas this year? it's not his fault that you are very organised and he isn't.
also, i really don't get this whole 'specialness' and need to have two xmas days - why not just enjoy the days you do have rather then recreate things?

princess never said being a SP was fair or easy, i am one myself. If your ex was abusive that is a different matter than just xmas contact. You stated having your kids for xmas it was a reward from the chores of parenthood and i disagreed on the basis of that post which suggested nothing other than an attitude of i do the hard work so i say what happens to kids and their dad, which i personally think is wrong.

Not giving your kids over to a man who battered their mum is very different to the issues of simply separated parents.

"it's not his fault that you are very organised and he isn't."

Yes it is! Christmas hasn't sneaked up on either of them. They both should have raised it with the other but he can't claim to be less responsible or be excused more than the OP just because he is a man.

He is being unreasonable...though you ought to have mentioned this kind of thing yourself earlier to him to get it out of the way. Just tell him no...your Mum has catered for the DC and that is that. His turn is NEXT year....tell him ashe never indicated before that he wanted them...he has to suck it up.

I asked him about the school holidays 8 weeks ago -I only get christmas eve and christmas day off so I needed to arrange childcare -my usual provider is not working, I know he has time off but I have asked again since and he doesn't know what he is doing yet so cannot commit

sorry I know it's child support -I don't expect anything for me and I was hoping to sort it out without the csa as they will want him to pay more than I have asked him for, he is trying to move out of his mothers and csa payments will affect this, and I am not trying t stop him having his own home -I used the term maintainance because I'm old fashioned ;)

if it had been arranged earlier I think it would have been reasonable for him to have them, and me to see them for a couple of hours (as he has been invited to do here) but surely not at a weeks notice?)

I'd tell him to poke it frankly. It's the exactly the sort of stupid last minute thing my Ex would do. I think offering him to pop over for a couple of hours on Xmas morning is a fair compromise, esp as you have plans with family etc. It may mean that next year he gives it some thought in advance rather than approaching you the week before Xmas!

It's way too short notice. But you should sort something out for next year, much further in advance. Maybe make a long term plan? My sister and I used to alternate Christmases with our mum and dad and we had a great time - unless he's abusive please don't discount this on the basis of "But I need them here at Christmas!"

but the school holidays are different - most people have xmas day off, so you could have clarified that 8 wks ago. it's quite normal to alternate - did it not occur to you to check or is that not what's happened in the past? i agree it sounds like the kids have mentioned it, and he's said, oh, i thought you were coming to me or similar, hence the text to you.

Don't be ridiculous - are you seriously suggesting that in any family where there is an every other weekend arrangement - the children should go to the NRPs house as usual and not see the RP until Monday missing anybody's of Christmas with the RP, unless the NRP agrees a change?

This is about children and the aftermath situations like this and the other thread put them in. It's not fair on them and as adults it's our job not to do this to them, we are supposed to protect them.

It doesn't matter how much of a knob the ex is - 2 unreasonable parents make an unhappy child.

OP - your ex did this to DD On her birthday both of you doIng it in some tit forbear thing doesn't make it right. They don't care about maintenance, etc (I'd go straight to Csa if I was you).

This is setting them for a lifetime of parental animosity and hostility and it isnt fair on them. I couldn't give a stuff about your ex, just your children. Ewe things escalate.

If a child has two parents then each of those parents have contributed equally to the genetic make up of that child. Each time you tell your child that his father is untrustworthy, disorganised, useless etc then you are telling your child that 50% of him or her is untrustworthy, disorganised, useless etc - call that good parenting? I don't I call that thoughtless and selfish parenting - Just because you think your ex is a crap partner/Dad etc it doesn't mean that you have the right to influence your child's thinking about his other parent.

To OP:(the above was not aimed at you x) your ex has assumed alternate years, you have assumed he has no interest and you will stick to normal weekends. This year the arrangements are made and you should stick to them, offering him decent access before leaving for Granny's, next year you need to agree a plan that is to both your liking either formally or informally.

Children are not available on pay per view, "you can only see them if you pay maintenance" - this is an issue between the adults NOT anything that the children should be burdened with.

this is only our second christmas appart

last year the suggestion of him coming over was his as his sister is divorced and the way she does it with her ex is he comes over to see them opening presents, then he heads off, and then he has them boxing day and his family have a boxing day get together

as he suggested that last year, I thought that was the plan, and as it was my weekend I didn't think to raise it as an issue -obviously my mistake

I know with my Ex, I can ask him stuff MONTHS in advance, but he just never gets back to me. We can't speak to each other, so have to communicate by text, and I can't force a reply out of him. So it ends up I'll ask him something, give it a few weeks with no reply, and then say as you haven't got back to me I'm going to do xyz with the boys on whatever date.

Whereupon he usually pipes up and says oh but I was wanting to do abc on that date

He doesn't have the boys at Xmas, well he has them for a few hours, but on the basis that his family don't eat Xmas dinner, they would never want to stay there all day. They might if he ever got his own place but he seems quite happy sleeping on his mums sofa so I don't see that happening any time soon...

But you had then dc last year then... So why should you have them again this year? Those aren't the rules are they?

Takeresponsibility - how dare you make the grand assumption that any of us are influencing our children. My kids have to have a 'safety plan' in place for when they are with their dad. It involves them being able to keep themselves safe and contact an appropriate adult if things escalate. Don't you DARE lump the blame for his crap relationship with his kids on me or any of the other parents on here whose kids have suffered abuse at the hands of a parent. DON'T DARE