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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBu ......I probably am but I'm angry

109 replies

CreamolaFoamless · 16/12/2011 18:28

Eldest son;s girlfriend is living here .

She put £35 in to my bank account this month because £5 was apparently deducted (according to my son) because I didn't get her shopping one week

I did get her shopping

I'm livid and want to tell them both just 'fuck of and fend for yourselves'

OP posts:
GlueSticksEverywhere · 16/12/2011 22:52

You should stop doing her shopping for her. She has nothing else to do all day anyway so why should you do it? Why did you ever agree to do it in the first place?

So agree a new amount based on bills and rent and she can buy her own food (and be as shocked as arseholes so see how much it costs).

You should never have agreed such a tiny amount in the first place but seeing as you have and you don't sound the type to renegotiate, at least insist that you are paid the back rent she owes you within the next 2 weeks (otherwise it will drag on and you'll never see it) and that you expect to be paid on the 1st of each month, by direct debit if necessary.

MixedBerries · 16/12/2011 23:04

I'm glad I found this thread. The whole situation sound ridiculous to me but I understand how it's happened and how you feel...my mum is in the same position with my brother and he's....

  1. Yes, 37. Honestly, I think he's like this now because he was allowed to get away with what you describe (and an awful lot more) when he was 19. In all sincerity, I'd try to nip it in the bud or the piss taking will just escalate.

I know he's your son and it's his girlfriend but for his sake, as well as yours, do something to sort this out. Doing them a favour in hard economic times is one thing but this is taking it too far by anyone's standards.

You sound lovely so very good luck and, no, YADNBU. I'm going to print this thread out, complete with the general consensus, for my mum in the hope it will help her.

NunOnTheRun · 16/12/2011 23:15

YANBU. I for one would love to be able to pay £40 per month all in. Time for one or two eviction notices, methinks...

apprenticemum · 17/12/2011 07:29

Don't get mad - GET EVEN....Take all of the above advice and shaft the little bitch. Tell DS that he is next too!

MabelLucyAttwell · 17/12/2011 07:36

Why on earth did you give your bank details to someone you don't know at all well (so she could pay money into your bank)? In these circusjtances, I would have preferred cash or cheque.

MabelLucyAttwell · 17/12/2011 07:36

*circumstances

Ilovepigs · 17/12/2011 08:03

I am less concerned about the money and more about the fact that you seem to be encouraging your son to play house at the age of 18. Why would you do that?-dont you want him out enjoying himself rather than tied down?

I would also be very worried about being a granny shortly....

Gonzo33 · 17/12/2011 08:31

Ok, given that the girl has been kicked out by her parents I understand why you helped her out. I also completely understand you supporting your son through further education.

However, if I were you I would be telling your son and his gf that she will need to find somewhere else to live or start paying substantially more, or actually getting off of her a*se and get a job. If she can't find work then she should do work around the house as a minimum.

When I was that age I worked my backside off and paid my Mum 25% of my wages, and I knew that I had a good deal. I also did housework and contributed to family life. If she is not prepared to do that I would give her an eviction notice after Christmas.

MabelLucyAttwell · 17/12/2011 08:34

It would be better if she moved out and not just because of how little she pays.

What effect is her presence having on your son's studying? Is he able to do his 'homework', his assignments and attending college at the times he should?

exoticfruits · 17/12/2011 08:43

I don't know why you are even thinking that you might be unreasonable! YANBU. The time has come for her to move out. Christmas isn't the time-but give notice for the new year.

NeedlesCuties · 17/12/2011 09:07

OP - you sound lovely, and a bit like my mum who lets my 21 year old sister get away with treating the house like a hotel. It bugs the life out of me when I see my DSis doing that Angry

I agree with the other posters here, but don't think it's in your character to just chuck the 2 of them out. Take a big deep breath, talk it through with them as maybe they honestly are just naive and don't realise how much bills, groceries, rent should cost.

Also, I really hope they are using contraception as bringing a child into the mix would complicate things no end!

McPhee · 17/12/2011 09:17

Locate them their own cupboard.

Insert, £5 worth of food per week

See how long they survive Wink

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 17/12/2011 13:22

Being a mum does not mean letting your children walk all over you, or never saying no, or not telling them when they are taking the piss.

In fact, being a mum means you have to say no! Stand up for yourself, tell them what is and is not acceptable. Because you're their teacher. It is through you (not alone, of course) that they learn how to interact with people, how to treat others fairly, how to pay their own way in the world, etc etc.

So by trying to be so soft with them, by feeling like you can't tear them a new one, you are doing them a huge disservice.

The rest of the world won't treat them with kid gloves. They will have a huge shock when they find this out. It will be very hard for them if they are used to being able to be so selfish and have that tolerated.

samandi · 17/12/2011 13:31

You aren't doing your DS any favours by spoiling him. Agree with other posters that they should either do their own shopping or you should chuck her out. Even if she isn't earning she can get a houseshare and housing benefit.

grumblinalong · 17/12/2011 13:45

Like hec says, the rest of the world won't treat them with kid gloves. Even her own parents aren't. You do realise that the usual nature of18 year old kids relationships mean that you prob won't even know her next year!

NeedlesCuties · 17/12/2011 13:46

I agree with hecate and really think that it is an important life lesson.

You don't have to do it while screaming and chucking their stuff out the window (no matter how tempting it is!) but calmly and to help equip them for their future.

BigHairyGruffalo · 17/12/2011 16:00

Have you decided what you are going to do?

MrsWembley · 17/12/2011 19:24

Have you spoken to her yet, OP?

MrsWembley · 17/12/2011 19:25

Was going to call you Creamy, then remembered not to... Blush

EllenandBump · 17/12/2011 19:47

When i was 16 i had to pay £10 a week towards my keep out of my EMA money which was only £30 a week. I then had to but all my own toiletries, pay my travel fares to and from college and but all my own toiletries. I knew i had it easy compared to some (considering mum still got child benefit and family allowance for me). I was really lucky. My mum always looked after me. I a back staying at mums because of circumstances, and she wont accept any rent from me as i am having to start again with absolutely bloody nothing and wants me to bbut clothes and stuff for myself as i have none (not even got a coat) But other than now i have always paid her some rent, right until i moved out age 17, which of course then i stopped paying rent as i had my own bills to pay for.

I would have a strong word, with them both TOGETHER so she cant say that you have gotten nasty with her etc etc. xxx

Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 18/12/2011 11:23

Thanks, some interesting thoughts

We already had the conversation that come January she is to return home.

I think what is bugging me more is that I am usually such a laid back person, and nothing ever really gets to me. But for some reason she is just bugging the tits off me.

There was another stupid little incident last night over who left the fridge door open and I did lose my temper and shouted.

DS1 flew into a bit of a panic as he has only ever seen me lose my temper about 3 times in total so knows it's something pretty serious if it blows.

I shall re-read they thread and contemplate my next move. It's helpful just to write it down to get a clearer perspective.

OP posts:
sweetsantababy · 18/12/2011 11:44

Can I come and live with you? I'll pay you £50 and won't deduct any because you don't get my shopping Grin

MakesXmasCakesWhenStressed · 18/12/2011 12:12

You need to practice your 'look'. My mum has it nailed. It's a look that says "I am not amused and you'd better start backing away slowly now or the consequences will be seriously unpretty and you will have noone to blame but yourself."

If my sister or I had tried this nonsense of your DS's on with her she'd have folded her arms, raised one eyebrow and given us 'the look'. Upon which we would have offered to pay double and left the room hastily before she had a chance to open her mouth.

My mum is lovely, btw, goes out of her way to help us and our friends, but there is a line and neither of us would dream of crossing it because scary mummy is bad for everyone!

I am about to become a mum myself and have been practicing my look in anticipation. Dh just laughs at me, but our 4 year old nephew nearly wet himself when he got one directed at him (and yes, he richly deserved it.)

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 18/12/2011 12:21

MakesCakes - you will go far my friend :) That 'look' is the best parenting tool you could ever have Grin

Creamola - you should invites MakesCakes around and let her practise her 'look' on your DS's gf.

MakesXmasCakesWhenStressed · 18/12/2011 12:26

oooh - would you let me? It's called 'The Medusa' and I'm qualified up to a Grade 4, which is a partial freeze, effective for most situations. I'm still working up to the Grade 5 turn-to-stone Medusa, but that is only called for if she starts demanding particular meals/clothes to be ironed/otherwise further taking the piss on top of the piss she has already taken...