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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To punish this behaviour?

122 replies

hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 18:02

ds1 accompanied me to the shops yesterday and I picked up an apple pie for me and dh. ds1 can't have shop bought apple pie because he has a nut allergy (they always have nut warnings on) and ds2 won't eat stuff like that.

So, I bought a large packet of Maltesers so that they could share this and not feel left out when me and dh were having some coffee and apple pie.

Anyway, ds1 nicked the packet of Maltesers and ate them in his bedroom, so ds2 didn't have any. I've only just discovered this tonight.

Is this classed as stealing? I feel that it is. He's always eating extra food and I've had to put all the biscuits/sweets in the shed outside because of this. He's well fed and a bit overweight, so he's not deprived at all.

I've removed all his electronic stuff, banned all sweets/bics etc. until Christmas.

I worry that he moves onto stealing money from my purse.

He looks suitably ashamed.

Or, am I over reacting?

OP posts:

Pandemoniaa · 14/12/2011 19:14

I've got friends who use disproportionate punishments. As a result, two of their children are now completely out of control because they've completely run out of sanctions for genuinely bad behaviour.

I'm not saying this will happen to the OP but punishment is only effective if it tackles the underlying stuff. Which in this case seems to be self-control rather than the child's desire to turn into some sort of master criminal.

Original poster

hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 19:14

I know him, he will start stealing from my purse. I know my own child and this is the next step. I hide food in the shed and, after talking to dh, I'm going to hide my purse. He really is devious. I'm more devious, so I find out what he gets up to, but it's hard to keep track sometimes. I have to keep one step ahead. It's always been a struggle looking after him and it always will be

OP posts:

Original poster

hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 19:16

Right, I'm tired. He can have all his stuff back and make himself sick with sweets then. I give up. I can't win. I wish the fucking gp could see all this. I'm sick of being fobbed off as well.

OP posts:

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 14/12/2011 19:16

CAMHS have got shockingly long waiting lists - I think their attitude is, if your child is coping in any way at all, the get on with it because they have uber-serious cases to deal with. (Also known as rationing resources.)

Sitandnatter is right though that all children benefit from good strategies.

valiumredhead · 14/12/2011 19:18

Don't have sweets in the house then OP - or biscuits, just don't have them. Let him spend his pocket money on sweets and that is it.

Pandemoniaa · 14/12/2011 19:18

Look, you really don't know he'll steal out of your purse. You'll only know this when it happens. And when it happens you'll have to deal with it but you'll be dealing with fact, not hypothesis.

It can be very difficult to bring up teenagers, regardless of whether they have SN but it's a hell of a lot harder if you try and predict disasters before they have a chance to strike. Not least because they might not!

sitandnatter · 14/12/2011 19:19

8I know him, he will start stealing from my purse. I know my own child and this is the next step. I hide food in the shed and, after talking to dh, I'm going to hide my purse. He really is devious. I'm more devious*

I feel very sorry for your son. I have a child with ASD and he struggles to cope knowing his Mum understands the way he ticks and this is due to his ASD largely, we do have CAMHS and autism support on board. Forget an official diagnosis if you know Know he may be ASD and is struggling then support him just the same you would as if he was asthmatic or diabetic or whatfever illness you can measure.

valiumredhead · 14/12/2011 19:20

Self fulfilling prophecy...

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 14/12/2011 19:21

What does DH think?

You sound a bit stressed, OP. Sorry about that. I'd talk to your son and say that you have decided that he can have his things back, but he will buy his brother some maltesers out of his pocket money tomorrow.

Xmasbaby11 · 14/12/2011 19:21

I would say the problem is more to do with his compulsive eating. I used to do this at his age. If you start hiding food or denying him, he may just become sneakier to get what he wants. My mum used to do that and I just started eating in secret. Not good.

Hairytoes · 14/12/2011 19:24

Youneed to go back to your gp and ask for an appointment with a paediatrician. Camhs in our case, and lots more I know of, were as much use as a chocolate teapot.
Get yourself over to the special needs board, you might find it a little more understanding :)
I am sorry about my first off the cuff comment btw.

samwellsbutt · 14/12/2011 22:18

ummmm i wouldnt re-neg on a punishment op whether its ott or not (for what its worth it only think its a little bit, i would have prob banned sweets not taken away stuff) but its cool you obviously want to press home the seriousness of it and so going back on it will make it all look a bit like a joke.
by all means have a chat with him about the whys and the wherefores but dont go back on your punishment or next time you will be taken even less seriously.
stick to your guns here.

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 14/12/2011 22:19

He's 13, not a toddler.

If you can't teach a teenager how to re-negotiate, then what do you teach them? Control at any cost?

skybluepearl · 14/12/2011 22:26

I would stand by the no sweets till Xmas. I think thats a very appropriate punishment for stealing sweets.

Removing electronics maybe a step too far. I would let him earn them back over the next day or so through small jobs like ironing/hoovering.

samwellsbutt · 14/12/2011 22:28

so teenagers should get away with things because they are older, or they should be able to re-negotiate punishments with their parents? sounds like a recipe for disaster.... but hey the op asked for opinions thats mine. i have a teenage daughter and a daughter with asd. i wouldnt let either of them steal something without serious punishment or renegotiate a punishment after it was decided on.

NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain · 14/12/2011 22:33

Has he got a sugar addiction, this can be as over powering as any addiction, if you're going to cold turkey him I'd stick with it, he could do his health some harm long term if he doesn't learn to control himself now.

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 14/12/2011 22:34

I have two teenagers and I'm not perfect. I say sorry to them if and when I've gone off the deep end. I also expect them to be part of the solution if something's gone tits up, because then it's likely to work.

I don't treat then like they're five years old.

And no, they're not feral.

WibblyBibble · 15/12/2011 00:45

Really, really couldn't disagree more with the people saying that you ought to become more controlling about food when he's showing this kind of behaviour. My mum was very controlling about sweets- it made them a huge deal they didn't need to be and I still comfort-eat them as a result. Very bad parenting idea! I think adults forget how hungry teenagers can get, they are growing fast. OK he ought to share sweets, but it does sound like you are making it more of an issue than it needs to be. My older daughter has (mild) asperger traits and although she likes chocolate/sweets, we've made these pretty readily available in the form of easter/christmas sweets, once a week or so treat, and lots of home-made cakes (less sugary and fatty than shop ones because they aren't 'filled out' with glucose-fructose crap and oil), and she actually keeps her easter ones and is just finishing them now, oevr 6 months later. Forbidding foods just makes them more desirable. Make sure he's eating plenty of normal food, and let him regulate his own intake. Try to make eating a public thing rather than a shameful thing he needs to sneak off and do alone for fear of fat-ridicule or similar, too, as that is much healthier (physically and emotionally- people eat better when they're eating with others, choose less 'junk' and then don't stuff themselves in private which is a compulsive eating habit). If you need help and he really is clinically overwieght, your GP should be able to refer you to a dietician who can advise on emotional eating issues as well as nutritional ones.

xyfactor · 15/12/2011 01:10

Always apologise if you're wrong and that way you're more than likely going to get the same respect back.
Stealing fags cakes and even money from my mother when I was young brings me shame today but it's not made me into an habitual thief and I don't steal and have never been arrested.
YABU and harsh and treating him like a toddler.

DodieSmith · 15/12/2011 01:10

For gods sake give the OP a break. Yes it was a little over the top, but clearly the real issue, as she says over and over again is that she feels unsupported over the ADHD thing. Banging on about sweets isn't going to help that.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/12/2011 11:32

He is 13. He knew that the sweets were to be shared with his brother. he took them up to his room to eat them alone, which IMO indicates that he knew what he was doing was wrong. He has a history of this behaviour, so has presumably been punished for it before. His punishment is no sweets for a fortnight and electronics removed until Friday. He has ADHD/aspergers traits.

I'll compare this to my DS, also 13 but NT (neurologically typical? No ADHD etc). I regard him as perfectly capable of understanding that I want him to eat well and not fill himself up with rubbish. We have had 'the talk' on how his body can only process the non-nutritious edibles IF he eats enough good food to provide his body with what it needs first. He has nodded along to this.

I have a running battle with him regarding biscuits/sweets in the pantry. He has been told many times that he has to ASK and not just help himself. He knows I will mostly say 'yes' or 'have a banana/grapes first, then you can have a biscuit/crisps/chocolate'. I generally only say no if it's half an hour before bedtime/mealtime. He KNOWS he will get a bollocking if I find unexpectedly empty packets in there (bless him he is a bit thick that way not devious, never thinks to hide the evidence). Regardless, he frequently does help himself (bleats 'I forgot' to me when pulled up on it), gets a bollocking and a pre-known punishment. Which funnily enough is no sweets for x days and no XBox for x days. 'X' varies - mostly one/two days, escalating to a week if he does it again during those one/two days. He pushed it to three weeks once.

So OP, I don't regard your punishments as out of line. My DS is an only child so he's never in a position to deprive a sibling through his behaviour, which is IMO far worse than him pissing me off.

You know you have a longstanding self-control issue with him. On top of that he is 13; I think my DS is probably pretty typical of this age group, they are pushing the boundaries and they are bottomless pits. You asked "Do most 13 year olds have some self control?" I think the answer (re my DS) is that he does have some, but he chooses not to exercise it when he thinks he can get away with it feels like it. So your son, with less self-control, will be pushing it even further than mine.

felicitywits · 15/12/2011 14:31

hiddenhome my DD is NT (so far as we know), and she also steals food. I think it's stealing, I honestly do.

We don't have 'treats' in the house (or call them treats, as that makes them desirable), but of course sometimes there are sweets and chocolates and crap around - we have three DCs and all the party bags, halloween sweets and occasional biscuits that involves.

DD would, I think, do what your DS has done. I once put away a box of chocolates for a xmas present (I was given them for my birthday and was going to regift them). I put them at the back of a cupboard which, so far as I knew, DD never looks in or cares about.

She ate the box. Took out the chocolates and left the empty box. I found a couple of the foil wrappers under her bed.

She has no internal switch about food, that's the closest I can come to explaining. She'll eat and eat. She'll eat adult portions and then more. Now I know she's a growing girl (she is overweight though despite my best efforts), but it's honestly like she's never full.

She stuffs herself at school dinners - so we've put her on packed lunches. When I brought in portion control (which made a big difference), she didn't complain of being hungry and I honestly don't think she ever is/was, she gets plenty of good healthy food. But she'd eat a whole cake if it was there and she'd steal the slice meant for her DBrothers given half the chance.

So, I don't think the OP is controlling at all.

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