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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To punish this behaviour?

122 replies

hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 18:02

ds1 accompanied me to the shops yesterday and I picked up an apple pie for me and dh. ds1 can't have shop bought apple pie because he has a nut allergy (they always have nut warnings on) and ds2 won't eat stuff like that.

So, I bought a large packet of Maltesers so that they could share this and not feel left out when me and dh were having some coffee and apple pie.

Anyway, ds1 nicked the packet of Maltesers and ate them in his bedroom, so ds2 didn't have any. I've only just discovered this tonight.

Is this classed as stealing? I feel that it is. He's always eating extra food and I've had to put all the biscuits/sweets in the shed outside because of this. He's well fed and a bit overweight, so he's not deprived at all.

I've removed all his electronic stuff, banned all sweets/bics etc. until Christmas.

I worry that he moves onto stealing money from my purse.

He looks suitably ashamed.

Or, am I over reacting?

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 14/12/2011 18:24

Not excusing the eating of the maltezers, but the average 13 yr old boy needs to eat at least 4 times as much as the average adult IME. Mine needed a full plate of food at roughly 2 hourly intervals at that age.

I also used to put all treats and chocolate stuff out of sight Grin because once they started, they couldn't stop.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 18:24

Because he wasn't deemed severe enough to warrant any treatment/therapy Sad CAMHS said he's coping fine at school so just get on with it. I've been told to just treat him as normal, which is what I try to do. We can't get any help with him, so I just do the best I can Blush

OP posts:
IHeartKingThistle · 14/12/2011 18:25

That might have been useful information to have in the OP! Confused

If he does not respond to being told off (lots of kids don't) then he needs a clear sanction. It's your call how severe that sanction needs to be.

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 14/12/2011 18:26

Well if he can't control himself, why are you punishing him so severely?

I'd ask him to go and buy his brother a bag of maltesers from the shop.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 18:26

He does eat well balanced meals. He eats everything. He seems to have some kind of eating disorder or something. He was downing 9oz bottles of milk at the age of 10 days old Shock I had to switch formula because of this. He's addicted to food.

OP posts:
cory · 14/12/2011 18:26

Ah it's an AIBU by stealth. How on earth are we supposed to know what is appropriate punishment if you withhold vital facts like this? It would be like be posting aibu to take dd her dinner in bed and then 12 posts down reveal that she can't actually walk.

My answer is now modified to: only you know the severity of his SN and inhowfar he can be held responsible for his actions.

Esta3GG · 14/12/2011 18:26

FGS. He is a 13 year old lad who wanted some sweets so much that he was prepared to face the inevitable bollocking which followed.
That is all.
I suspect kids for centuries have been doing shit like this.
When I was 13 I was pinching ciggies.

catpark · 14/12/2011 18:27

If he is eating all the time like you say then perhaps you should take him to see the GP about it ?

Original poster
hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 18:27

He has to learn to control himself LineRunner Confused When he gets older he'll have to learn to control other aspects of his behaviour, so I'm trying to teach him this now.

OP posts:
cory · 14/12/2011 18:29

And I will add: the school doesn't know and can't pronounce on this, they don't see him in a home environment- unfortunately you are the one saddled with this decision.

If it were me, I think I would consider myself responsible for hiding food.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 18:29

It's not AIBU by stealth Sad He's not being treated for his adhd and doesn't have severe aspergers, so we just treat him as a 'normal' child which is what we were told to do. I can't win can I?

A lot of parents with SN children are just fobbed off with no help whatsoever. I don't know how to handle his problems. We just muddle along.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 14/12/2011 18:29

I suspected there may be an issue with his self control. Given what you've said I think it's nasty and cruel to punish him so harshly. Help the poor boy instead of calling him "greedy" and "sneaky".

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 14/12/2011 18:30

Re what littlefrogs said:

My DS, similar age, just had for tea: Spaghetti in tomato sauce, brown bread toast, a portion of chips, and two cod cakes.

That'll keep him going for a couple of hours.

valiumredhead · 14/12/2011 18:30

So why didn't you say that in the OP? Confused

Still think it's a massive over reaction - me and ds put xmas chocs on the tree this year and they have all magically disappeared Grin

lemonstartree · 14/12/2011 18:30

not over reacting at all. We have similar issues with DS1 also 13. It has escalated alarmingly. Be firm and tick to it...

Original poster
hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 18:32

So, how are you meant to handle children with SN then? You don't disipline them? Let him have what he wants? Confused

OP posts:
LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 14/12/2011 18:33

hiddenhome I'm not having a pop, I'm repeating back what you said.

I'd seriously ask him to go a fetch some maltesers for his brother. He's put out a bit, and his brother gets his maltesers.

You need to feed a 13 year old boy a fair bit of food, and then you can say 'That's enough' and mean it.

Pandemoniaa · 14/12/2011 18:34

Can you not see that this is a classic AIBU by stealth, OP?

Your son really needs support to get to the bottom of why he has a food compulsion and problems with self-control. Whereas I'd assumed, from what you told us at the outset, that his actions were classic sibling behaviour!

It makes us look like unsympathetic fools if vital information is missed out.

lemonstartree · 14/12/2011 18:35

sorry - my ds also has aspergers and ADHD. Its all very well to day 'he cant help it' but he will HAVE to help it innthe outside world and you do them no favours patting them on the head and letting them get away with murder. Hes 13, old enough to know the difference between right and wrong....

Chandon · 14/12/2011 18:35

He should really know better at 13.

But.....

I do remember being 13 and always starving. I would steal whole packets of biscuits, get up at 5 in the morning to cut myself a secret slice of cake...

I was like an addict. I would spend all my pocket money on sweets and crisps and chips. I would walk home from school past the chippie, eat a whole portion of chips, then scoff dinner, then ask for treats (or secretly take them).

I ended up pinching money from my mum's purse (coins) to buy sweets and chips.

I never got fat, I did grow to be very tall (6ft1), and I did grow out of stuffing myself at age 16-17 (sort of lost interest gradually and wanted to keep the money for clothes ad make up)

I just remember feeling that I never had enough food, and keeping a shoebox full of mars bars in my closet Blush

Not sure what the solution is, I am sure it may well happen with my own DC...

am not helping, am I?

Original poster
hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 18:36

Do most 13 year olds have some self control? I have nothing to compare him with.

OP posts:
Esta3GG · 14/12/2011 18:36

For any child the punishment has not matched the "crime".
The lad had a few Maltesers. Keep it in perspective.
He didn't burn his frigging school down.

CailinDana · 14/12/2011 18:37

Given his food addiction I would have a tight control on the food that comes into the house. In your position I would not have bought the maltesers in the first place but if I had bought them as a treat I would have kept hold of them and hidden them as soon as we got into the house. I would have shared them out later and kept a close eye for any stealing.

I would also seek help from the GP about the food addiction problem as it sounds to me like he might have a disorder that needs psychiatric help. Don't let them fob you off.

Pandemoniaa · 14/12/2011 18:37

I'm not suggesting he is allowed to get away with anything on the grounds that "he can't help it". But I am fairly sure that it is a more thoughtful and complicated issue to deal with if the OP's son has specific problems with self-control that go beyond sheer greed.

TattyDevine · 14/12/2011 18:38

Oh dear, OP, forget your original post, the real issue here is that you have a child who has a food problem, and you are a bit worried about it, it might be tied to SN, but either way, its becoming a problem.

This can be a really complex issue - really hard to know whether you "caused" it (not you personally but perhaps dynamics in the family) with "forbidden foods" etc or whether it was always going to be an issue, which has been excacerbated, OR whether it is completely stand-alone and nothing at all to do with environment or emotional reactions.

There's a chance he will never "learn" self control, special needs or not. It sort of has to come from within.

It doesn't mean you should "feed" it though, and limiting stuff without making a big deal of it or making it seem like you are limiting it is probably the way forward while he is still under your roof. Eliminating it probably isn't.

If its a real concern and you have the means, you could probably seek help for him from a psychologist who specialises in dietary disorders (some of these are as chemical as they are psychological) but its not always possible.

Its a tricky one but my gut feeling with this is that tying up punishments and food is not necessarily the way forward - even though the crime was food related - the punishment is also the thing that drives that "need" or at least desire to not be "deprived" - that of being deprived...

Sorry it sound a lot of waffle but there is hopefully something in it.