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AIBU?

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Original poster

To punish this behaviour?

122 replies

hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 18:02

ds1 accompanied me to the shops yesterday and I picked up an apple pie for me and dh. ds1 can't have shop bought apple pie because he has a nut allergy (they always have nut warnings on) and ds2 won't eat stuff like that.

So, I bought a large packet of Maltesers so that they could share this and not feel left out when me and dh were having some coffee and apple pie.

Anyway, ds1 nicked the packet of Maltesers and ate them in his bedroom, so ds2 didn't have any. I've only just discovered this tonight.

Is this classed as stealing? I feel that it is. He's always eating extra food and I've had to put all the biscuits/sweets in the shed outside because of this. He's well fed and a bit overweight, so he's not deprived at all.

I've removed all his electronic stuff, banned all sweets/bics etc. until Christmas.

I worry that he moves onto stealing money from my purse.

He looks suitably ashamed.

Or, am I over reacting?

OP posts:
cory · 14/12/2011 18:58

"He understands that he's done wrong if I remove his laptop and stop sweets for a few days."

Now this certainly does sound like SN to me. An NT 13yo might disobey and defy you but they would understand- if you are sure it is understanding that is the problem. In which case you probably do have to work with whatever method works with him.

valiumredhead · 14/12/2011 18:59

The whole point of being a teenager is that you learn as you go along while making a few mistakes a long the way. Save your over the top punishments for if he does something really worthy of them. I think the more you clamp down on him about food the more he will obsess and 'steal.'

Original poster
hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 18:59

I wish he was having treatment for these problems. I've been to the GP dozens of times and CAMHS three times and still no joy. They don't have to live with all this.

OP posts:
sitandnatter · 14/12/2011 19:01

Hidden my ASD child has chocolate cravings big time. Even without ASD your reaction is way OTT. He didn't nick the crown jewels just some chocs and a two week punishment for that. The poor kid if he is ASD wont be able to figure out a two week punishment for a 2 minute crime.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 19:01

valium I'm trying not to clamp down on the food issue too much which is why I bought the maltesers for him to share, but he ate them all anyway. Kids who are banned from having sweets will steal, which is why I do allow him to have some, but he's craving sugar all the time anyway.

OP posts:
Esta3GG · 14/12/2011 19:02

what he does with his pocket money is my business or he'll be buying cigs and booze next

Jesus OP - could you be more controlling?
He's 13.

cory · 14/12/2011 19:03

hiddenhome Wed 14-Dec-11 18:56:28
"If he's stealing foo he's hungry, but then limit his calories? You're obviously not for real Fabby"

to be fair to Fabby, I think she meant keep less calorie rich food in the house

"what he does with his pocket money is my business or he'll be buying cigs and booze next"

I think to most of us with teenagers the whole point of giving an allowance is that they learn to take responsibility for not doing stupid things with it: that is the point of letting them get on with it. To let them develop the sense that they are the kind of people who can be trusted. They will make mistakes along the way, but that is part of the learning curve.

But this obviously is where the question of possible SN comes into play.

Anyway, buying booze and fags is illegal at his age and hopefully won't be all that easy for him, unless he is a very mature looking 13yo.

valiumredhead · 14/12/2011 19:03

Regardless of his SN - don't siblings do this sort of thing? It was all out war between me and my sister when we were kids. I remember having to share a milkshake with her once and we both sucked so hard it came down her nose and I was still sucking!!!!

sitandnatter · 14/12/2011 19:04

cory SN children with ASD can understand what they've done wrong if you sit and explain it to them in ways they can understand and be genuinely sorry when they work it out. For my son this usually means self harming afterwards for not understanding in the first place. Sad

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 14/12/2011 19:04

Why don't you send him to buy some maltesers for his brother?

Original poster
hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 19:04

We've been told he doesn't have ASD though sit, just aspergers traits. They refused to give him a full ASD assessment. For all I know he could just be a greedy kid who has poor self control. I treat him as I would a child who doesn't have SN because CAMHS were so intent on telling us that he's fine Hmm I know he's not 'fine', but, without professional guidance, I don't know what to do. I'm no expert.

OP posts:
Original poster
hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 19:05

He's in his pjs now. I'll send him out tomorrow after school. He'll probably just spend the change on more sweets! Shock Argghhh, it's never ending.

OP posts:
LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 14/12/2011 19:07

He's 13 and in his pajamas at 7pm?

Wow.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 19:07

Esta are you being delibrately obtuse? I'm not going to hand out money to a 13 year old who has virtually no self control and is overweight and not observe what he's doing with the money? What sort of parent would that make me?

OP posts:
sitandnatter · 14/12/2011 19:07

You say he is craving sugar, that is a trait shared with my ASD son, you don't punish them for having a mental illness. I think you need to get more support, get some agencies involved, talk to the SENCO at school and generally try to get some professionals involved. DOn't punish him for weeks, he won't undertand what he is being punished for.

A five minute crime doesn't want a two week punishment especially when it could well be an impulse he can't help. Try to understand him, forget about controlling him.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 19:08

He came in cold from school and so he had a bath and is sitting in front of the fire in his pjs. What's wrong with that? He had no clubs to go to tonight.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 14/12/2011 19:09

He won't but fags with his pocket money - they are too bloody expensive these days!

sitandnatter · 14/12/2011 19:10

Hidden start to treat him as if he has ASD even without the diagnosis, read up on it, find out what works and implement those strategies with him as if he has ASD, because they work on neurotypical children too.

I don't care what CAMHS say (although they are excellent for us) trust your instincts.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 19:10

sit I have tried to get he professionals involved, but they weren't very professional and weren't interested because he's coping at school. I am universally ignored now when I complain about these problems. They aren't happening according to these people. It's like being caught up in some Kafkaesque nightmare.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 14/12/2011 19:11

OP how do you know he's not 'fine?' you said earlier that you have no experience of 13 yr olds and you are not an expert.

Part of having pocket money is so they learn that if they blow it all then they have nothing left.

Floggingmolly · 14/12/2011 19:11

God, you removed all his electric stuff and banned all sweets until Christmas, because he ate a packet of Maltesers, instead of sharing with his brother?
Yes, you have totally over reacted. Calm down. And I really wouldn't assume the next stage is stealing from your purse, it's just a packet of sweets. Xmas Hmm

Original poster
hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 19:12

I've known he wasn't 'fine' from the age of 2 valium. Primary school also noticed that he wasn't 'fine' either so got the Ed Psych and CAMHS involved.

OP posts:
LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 14/12/2011 19:12

I think that parenting is awfully difficult, basically.

The most important thing, to be cheesy, is to love and support each other. And to be proud of each other, whilst keeping a sense of perspective.

sitandnatter · 14/12/2011 19:13

Mistake said mental illness as my son has OCD which is considered a mental health illness as it can get better, should have said mental health condition as ASD is constant, my son also has ASD. Sorry for poor wording.

valiumredhead · 14/12/2011 19:13

To be cheesy? Grin