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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To punish this behaviour?

122 replies

hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 18:02

ds1 accompanied me to the shops yesterday and I picked up an apple pie for me and dh. ds1 can't have shop bought apple pie because he has a nut allergy (they always have nut warnings on) and ds2 won't eat stuff like that.

So, I bought a large packet of Maltesers so that they could share this and not feel left out when me and dh were having some coffee and apple pie.

Anyway, ds1 nicked the packet of Maltesers and ate them in his bedroom, so ds2 didn't have any. I've only just discovered this tonight.

Is this classed as stealing? I feel that it is. He's always eating extra food and I've had to put all the biscuits/sweets in the shed outside because of this. He's well fed and a bit overweight, so he's not deprived at all.

I've removed all his electronic stuff, banned all sweets/bics etc. until Christmas.

I worry that he moves onto stealing money from my purse.

He looks suitably ashamed.

Or, am I over reacting?

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 14/12/2011 18:38

Pandemoniaa exactly!

Some kids don't have control where sweets are concerned regardless of wether they have SN or not.

Buy 2 smaller bags next time - it will save problems like this in the future.

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 14/12/2011 18:40

OP What we are saying (well, some of us) is that an awful lot of 13 years olds are very hungry a lot of the time. Nicking food, and money for food - especially the lardy, sugary variety - is not unheard of.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 18:40

Pandemoniaa It's not AIBU by stealth. CAMHS sent us away with a flea in our ear re: his problems. They said he was fine because he was coping in school. We had him assessed privately and they told us he has adhd. CAMHS noticed he has some aspergers traits, but refused to assess him for aspergers as they didn't consider him to be badly enough affected.

I don't class him as SN as such because he doesn't receive treatment. We know he has poor self control and is impulsive (adhd), but thought that ordinary parenting would help with this.

We're between a rock and a hard place. I'm just trying to instill some discipline and let him know we're not prepared to put up with him stealing food.

OP posts:
Chandon · 14/12/2011 18:41

I did not have a food disorder by the way, or have one now.

Don't any of you remember wanting food and sweets so much at this age?

My parents were strict 70s parents, teachers Grin , all very wholemeal and veggie stuff, lovely though. Never sweets in the house. I was obsessed.

But glad they never took me to a psychiatrist Hmm. I grew out of it by myself.

It's called growing up.

valiumredhead · 14/12/2011 18:43

Exactly chandon!

Esta3GG · 14/12/2011 18:44

I'm just trying to instill some discipline and let him know we're not prepared to put up with him stealing food.

And if he does something genuinely bad - where will you go with the discipline? If you blow all your options on something as piddling as this - what happens next?

I am quite astonished that you are so bothered by your son "stealing" food. What he did wrong (in my eyes) is fail to share it with his sibling. But in our house everything belongs to everyone. The idea of "stealing" food seems very strange to me.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 18:45

Yes, SN or not he has to grow up and cope when he's on his own. I can't even trust him with his pocket money. He has normal intelligence and knows right from wrong.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 14/12/2011 18:45

scoffing a bag of maltesers is hardly stealing food

I think your punishments are OTT

TheSecondComing · 14/12/2011 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JamieComeHome · 14/12/2011 18:46

For failing to share, I'd send him out to buy sweets for his brother, with his own money

Original poster
hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 18:46

Esta he is rationed because he's overweight. Taking extra food is 'stealing' because he's only meant to eat what I give him and I'm trying to limit his intake so that he doesn't turn into Billy Bunter Sad

OP posts:
cory · 14/12/2011 18:47

I'd say most 13yo have some degree of self control, though they can slip up at times.

When they do imo they need a quick pulling up (go and buy some more Maltersers with your own money- now! and I don't care if you get wet and cold) rather than a punishment that lasts a long time; otherwise, as somebody says, you are left with no sanctions for serious offences (and remember, a 13yo is capable of getting into quite big trouble).

Just re-read my earlier post and realised it does sound as if I thought you should just leave him to it. That would clearly be a bad idea: what I meant was, take responsibility for this for a short time until you can access support for both him and you. He does seem to have more problems with food control than just ordinary teen greed. Basically, he sounds like someone you have to hover around to keep him safe. You do mention that you have no 13yos to compare him with, so this is the level of independence I would expect of that age (have a 15yo and an 11yo):

be in charge on a monthly allowance and understand that when it is gone it is gone

possibly take some responsibility for buying own clothes

take himself to school and go into town independently

look after him/herself in the afternoons and prepare basic meals

more or less organise own homework (with some parental nagging)

If you feel your ds is very far off being able to cope with this level, then parenting that works fine for more ordinary 13yos may not actually work with him.

Ds who is 11 is sometimes greedy about taking too many biscuits from the packet, not leaving the same amount for the rest of us- he gets told off and that is enough to bring him up short.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 18:47

Taking food without asking is stealing esp. when food is rationed due to health reasons.

OP posts:
cory · 14/12/2011 18:48

otoh it is possible that you are overreacting- obviously we have never seen this lad and we don't know how bad a few extra sweets would be for him, or how you are about food and weight issues.

you do seem quite strict about this rationing

Esta3GG · 14/12/2011 18:50

Taking food without asking is stealing

Not in our house it isn't.

And if he has weight problems why did you buy him a huge bag of Maltesers in the first place?

usualsuspect · 14/12/2011 18:50

He only stole his brothers half of the maltesers

make him replace them

Original poster
hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 18:50

cory he is able to do some of those things. It's mainly food and not going to sleep early enough that he's struggling with. The food is a big issue. He's like a locust and eats his brothers packed lunch food if he's given the chance. It's more than just teenage overeating because he's been like this all his life. It's always been a struggle.

OP posts:
Original poster
hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 18:51

I didn't buy him a huge bag of Maltesers Esta I bought a bag and told him that they were to share with his brother after tea. That would have meant that they'd have recieved a moderate amount each which would have been okay.

OP posts:
cory · 14/12/2011 18:52

the problem with using emotive language and very strict discipline is that it leaves you with nothing left to use if things ever get really bad

if he is told that taking a handful of sweets from the family store is stealing, is he really going to develop the sense that taking an electric appliance from the shop or a tenner from a friend's pocket is more serious stealing?

if he already thinks of himself as a thief and the big sanctions are already in place, will further stealing seem that bad?

Original poster
hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 18:53

I'm not strict about the rationing, just careful. He's always allowed food if he asks for it, I just make sure he has normal portions instead of huge portions which he serves out for himself if he's left to it.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 14/12/2011 18:53

If he is stealing food he is hungry and you arent feeding him enough, change his diet so his meals have less calories. Don't have sweets or biscuits in the house its mean to let others eat them in front of him when he cannot have any.

Put him on a calorie controlled diet.

What he does with his pocket money is his business not yours.

Original poster
hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 18:55

All right, he didn't steal the sweets, he didn't share them and took them without asking. Either way, I had to tell him that his was wrong and he won't take any notice of me if I just verbalise it. He'll ignore me and carry on. He understands that he's done wrong if I remove his laptop and stop sweets for a few days.

OP posts:
cory · 14/12/2011 18:56

thanks for filling me in

so it does seem like food is a problem

I still think it is important to observe degrees here: you don't want to use up all the heavy ammunition at once, and you certainly don't want to end up in a situation where the thought of food makes him feel resentful

as you say, he is going to have to learn to control it himself at some stage so his feelings about this are really important

Original poster
hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 18:56

If he's stealing food he's hungry, but then limit his calories? You're obviously not for real Fabby Hmm

I also do feed him enough. He's just eaten exactly the same amount for tea that dh has Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
hiddenhome · 14/12/2011 18:57

what he does with his pocket money is my business or he'll be buying cigs and booze next Hmm

OP posts:
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