Dh keeping money from me!

[Memoo]

I'm really rather cross about this!

Bit of background: Dh and I are broke. In arrears on our rent and other things. I have scrimped and saved all year and have managed to scrap together enough money to buy our Dc a few gifts each. I'm now struggling to find a way of having enough money to be able to do a good food shop for Xmas.

Today Dh has taken the Dc round to his parents for the day. I stayed home in bed as I've been ill.

They return this afternoon having had a lovely time. Dh tells me mil has given him some money for the dc to get them some clothes. I was really happy about that and very grateful.

Mil rang about an hour ago to see what I might buy the dc with the money and we talk about clothes etc. Right at the end of the conversation she mentions something about giving Dh a little something too.

I ask Dh about this when I come off the phone and he said oh yeah they gave me £20 petrol money.

I've just picked dh's jeans up to put in tbe washing machine and there was a £100 in his pocket. He came into the room and flushed when he saw I had the money in my hand. He then said he was going to tell me about. Yeah right!!

Why would he do this? We're struggling so much and he was basically after keeping £100 to his self!

Can you move in with MIL?

Oh, x post sorry. I'm surprised she still gave him the money - still might be worth reiterating the problems to her, and specifically asking for money to be given to you, using the recent £100 as an example.

Mil is elderly and not in the best health so I don't really want to burden her any more than I already have.

If this happened in my marriage, my mil would take me and DS in and expect the divorce. Book an afternoon to see her, talk to her frankly about everything and tell her you are thinking of leaving. Do not ask her for any charity - but you will probably find she will want to help. Don't suffer alone, especially if you have had mental health problems in the past.

Best wishes for you and your dc.

Xposts - didn't realise mil was ill. How about fil?

Fil is not much better. In his 80's and not in the best shape. They would both take my side in this but I just can't do it too them.

to

Have you spoken to CAB and found out exactly what you would have financially as a single parent?

Are there any charities or social services in your area to help support you as you recover?

It may be a big effort, but I'm sure you could piece together several strands of support as a substitute for the few good things he brings you.

I mean, look at it this way -- say he got hit by a bus tomorrow (sorry), you would have to find a way to go on, right? What would you do?

You're not doing it to them. You're subjecting yourself and your children to an insufferable life with a man who is dishonest with you all. Do you think that being kind to his parents makes it OK to fuck yourself up and his children?

Kick him out. What are his parents going to lose if you do? Are you going to stop them seeing their gcs? No.

Change the settings on your laptop so that porn cannot be viewed, set an administrator password and then burn it. If he can't access porn he can't spend money on it.

I'm all for freedom to what you want but when it is putting your dependant wife and child/ren's security in jeopardy then someone has to take the ability out of your hands.

Squeaky, it entirely depends on your taste in porn whether you can get it for free on the internet. You can get some but if you want to watch hard core/more than 30 seconds you have to pay for it. I somehow doubt that Memoo's H is watching soft core stuff.

That is quite obvious, Nigel, to anyone who doesn't have an agenda in promoting the dubious premise that porn is harmless

Don't dismiss your disability just because it is mental- that can be just as if not more debilitating than physical illness.

Do you think he is contributing to your condition?

What's going on is financial abuse- did you see the news today?

Have you been to Shelter for advice re:rent arrears?

I dont think you need me to tell you to leave, but you should try to start to formulate a leaving plan eg getting your own bank account and getting your benefits (I assume you are getting ESA?) paid into that.

Have you seen a solicitor re:divorce?

Try to make sure your name isn't on any of his debts.

Okay I'm totally, utterly anti-porn, but I kind of see what Squeaky is saying.

In my experience, addiction destroys families on two levels: emotionally and financially. There are the emotional consequences of lying, deceit, bad behaviour, and the financial consequences of someone wasting their money on their habit.

A porn addiction is emotionally harmful, but it doesn't have to be financially ruinous. You can see plenty online for free. So yes, I would be even more pissed off if my DH not only ruined our relationship because of porn but made us go broke as well. It would be even more stupid.

I don't know what debates you guys have had in the past but I think this is a fair point. It's like saying, I'd be upset with a cokehead partner regardless, but far more upset with one who spent £10,000 than one who spent £500.

I don't disagree with that point, DB

Common sense, innit

But from an openly pro-porn MN stalwart ? Not quite the same message then is it ?

That seems like a smack in the chops to the OP, who has repeatedly been let down by her partner in this matter and is looking for support, not to be reminded that her partner is even more stupid than she is pretty much aware of already

Fair enough -- sorry I don't know all the back story here. I tend to stay away from the porn threads as they make me all crazy and ranty.