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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh keeping money from me!

117 replies

Memoo · 11/12/2011 21:14

I'm really rather cross about this!

Bit of background: Dh and I are broke. In arrears on our rent and other things. I have scrimped and saved all year and have managed to scrap together enough money to buy our Dc a few gifts each. I'm now struggling to find a way of having enough money to be able to do a good food shop for Xmas.

Today Dh has taken the Dc round to his parents for the day. I stayed home in bed as I've been ill.

They return this afternoon having had a lovely time. Dh tells me mil has given him some money for the dc to get them some clothes. I was really happy about that and very grateful.

Mil rang about an hour ago to see what I might buy the dc with the money and we talk about clothes etc. Right at the end of the conversation she mentions something about giving Dh a little something too.

I ask Dh about this when I come off the phone and he said oh yeah they gave me £20 petrol money.

I've just picked dh's jeans up to put in tbe washing machine and there was a £100 in his pocket. He came into the room and flushed when he saw I had the money in my hand. He then said he was going to tell me about. Yeah right!!

Why would he do this? We're struggling so much and he was basically after keeping £100 to his self!

OP posts:
thatwastheweek · 11/12/2011 23:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

marriedandwreathedinholly · 11/12/2011 23:48

No, Memoo - he should be embarrassed. You need to reflect, to make a plan, and to fulful your self worth. You deserve much better than this. You are better than this. Things will get better because you are better than him

I have to go to bed now but sleep tight my love; don't let him know how cross you are tonight - get your rest and build up your strength. In the morning put on some lippy, put on a smile and watch your positive glow being returned.

squeakytoy · 11/12/2011 23:50

Take the debit card off him. If he is so adamant he wont do it again, then he shouldnt have a problem doing that. Clear out the cache and all the cookies etc on the computer so any saved information is deleted.

to Catherine, Fabby is right, your council tax should take priority over your utility bills. The council are not sympathetic in any way, and WILL take you straight to court for default, and WILL send the bailiffs round. They are absolute twats, they really are.

Original poster
Memoo · 11/12/2011 23:50

Even if he gave me all the money he was still trying to lie though. It makes me wonder has there been other times when he's lied about money. Like telling me his employer wasn't paying the usual Xmas bonus this year.

I'm so very fucking sick of him

OP posts:
Jux · 11/12/2011 23:51

Take the debit card and cut it up. Empty the account and put the money in another. Set up a standing order so that all his salary gets moved. Tell him that these are things he will cooperate with or he is put the door.

squeakytoy · 11/12/2011 23:52

I think you need to speak to his Mother.

Does she have any idea about what he is up to?

Dont be embarassed about it, because she is the grandmother to your children, and I bet she wont be so willing to give him cash like that if she knew what he was doing with it.

Original poster
Memoo · 11/12/2011 23:52

Have to sleep now but thanks all

OP posts:
Original poster
Memoo · 11/12/2011 23:53

I will come back to this though

OP posts:
Jux · 11/12/2011 23:54

Do what squeaky toy says, and then just kick him out. You're better off without him.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 11/12/2011 23:59

I'll bet you are sick of him, love

it must be bloody exhausting

Unfortunately, I believe that simply condemning him for not availing himself of the free porn is kinda missing the point. If he is paying for it, he started somewhere, and moving on to use the money that would have otherwise bought Xmas treats for the family on his escalating habit is so very wrong, and utterly harmful

secretive, deceitful behaviour in the name of what ? At the expense of his family...it says some very bad things about him, and damning things about the addictive and dangerous nature of porn

squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 00:06

He is the one who has an addictive nature. If it wasnt porn it would probably be gambling, or alcohol, or something else that took money away from the family pot.

He has a choice, he could watch as much porn as he wanted for free, no charge, yet he chooses to pay for it. I have never paid for it, but having seen what is freely available, I really can not see why anyone would want to pay for it, unless of course it is at a deeper level, ie actually chatting with "women".. who are just as likely to be a 50 year old 6ft 20stone hairy bloke as they are a pneumatic tanned 20 year old woman... in which case he is effectively cheating too.

I see what you are saying AF, and I am not excusing his behaviour at all.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2011 00:13

All would be solved then if he weren't so stupid as to pay for it

Righto

FabbyChic · 12/12/2011 00:14

Memoo have a good nights sleep, wake up feeling refreshed and make a decision to take things into your own hands and deal with them, yes it's hard and it is scary, but you cannot go on like this. You need to take control of yours and your childrens lives.

Of course he got a bonus, ask to see his payslip if he refuses after taking the £100 kick him out.

squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 00:17

No, of course it wouldnt, and my previous posts on this thread are testament to that.

Cant be arsed to get into an argument about it with you AF.

The bloke is a lying tosser. It doesnt matter to me HOW he is depriving the OP and her kids from money, it is the fact that he is doing it at all, when they are so skint, and the fact that if he really needed to get his porn fix, he could do it for free, not be wasting money that should be feeding his children and keeping a roof over their head. A gambler needs to pay for their bets, an alcoholic needs to pay for their booze.. a porn addict could view it for free. Cant you see the point I am trying to make.

I am not justifying what he is doing, I am simply saying that he is even more of a twat for doing it when there are other options.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2011 00:25

No, squeaky, I can't see your point

It's the addiction that is damaging, not the fact that he could get it for free

If you feel it is still an "option" for him to switch to the moneyless version then

  1. you don't understand the escalating nature of what he is doing, and that it's likely that what you can get for "free" is unlikely to be enough any more (too many boundaries crossed ?)

  2. you underestimate and belittle the effect that some men's porn use has on their partner

demetersdaughter · 12/12/2011 03:15

Looks like you've already made your mind up about him.
Forget all this nonsensical arguing around you where some feminists are explaining how men go wrong (Again)
Follow your instincts and don't legitimise your thoughts by using the mumsnet leave him brigade to ease your pain.

Original poster
Memoo · 12/12/2011 07:59

I have to say that when it comes to him looking at porn I am totally against it wether it's paid for or not. I have and always will object to pornography and he knew this when we met.

And I'm glad to have feminists around me and proud to be one too.

OP posts:
TartyMcFalalalalalalalalarty · 12/12/2011 08:17

I have just come to the thead and agree with the poster who said you should directly tell his mother what has happened, and your situation, requesting for those reasons that any gifts she generously chooses to make to the family should be given to you. Tell her precisely why if necessary. There's no need for 'accidentally' dropping anything into the conversation - there's too much dishonesty here already.

HecklerNotKoch · 12/12/2011 08:21

but thats your opinion, he is an adult he is allowed to make his own choices same as you are

if he wants to look at porn, thats his business
if you want to leave him over it, thats your business

Northernlurker · 12/12/2011 08:29

So he lies to you, keeps money from you, pays for porn against your wishes and you are not financially secure as a couple.

Can I ask what you get out of this relationship?

Have you considered that your mental health might be improved by kicking him out?

bellavita · 12/12/2011 08:38

Memoo, ring your MIL up and thank her for the "£20 petrol money" and dob him in.

Oh and I agree wholeheartedly with NL's last sentence.

ageperfect · 12/12/2011 08:48

In my books, any type of lying is a no no. Specially with money because you are having hard time. Even if is a gift for you £100???? No way that would be excuse for me for him not to tell me.
Speak to him and try to see why he didn't tell you. I know how it is hard not to have money and it is tempting not to share, but he is grown up man with family,and family in my books always comes first. Ask him if there is something he wanted to buy (still not excuse) but maybe he thought you will disagree??? Has he got problem of lying??? That is another thing ,if he does than it is very hard to play guessing game of what he was going to do.Xmas Angry for you

Original poster
Memoo · 12/12/2011 08:48

She knows what he is like. Several months ago when things blew up I phone her and td her what he had done. She has no illusions about her son.

As for leaving, there are a million reasons why I am trapped in this marriage. I'm not certain what I want to do but dont know if leaving is even an option.

OP posts:
ageperfect · 12/12/2011 08:49

I didn't read the all posts , i think i missed something -sorry [go back in shame at the start of the tread]Smile

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 12/12/2011 08:53

I agree you should tell his mother. He will only get there with lies first.

Even if he doesn't care what she thinks, at least hopefully in the future she will give you the money. Tell her you don't mean to sound ungrateful or demanding, and you really appreciate the help she gives you, but in future could the money go to you because H has been keeping it from you and spending it on porn.