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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know how often your dh/dp touches you "like that"?

93 replies

Differentname · 09/12/2011 10:14

I just don't know what's normal, what dh thinks or what I think. He wants to "feel me up" several times a day - so in the morning, get close, maybe put his hand down there (in the hope it will lead somewhere, he is very much into morning sex I am not), after the shower look at what pants I'm wearing, then after work come home, kiss, fondle my breasts, that sort of thing, at the weekend he would like to go back to bed after breakfast while the kids play for extensive smooching - I find it all too much. My ideal would be, have sex once a week or so but apart from that just be nice to each other, kiss and cuddle, but without the constant sexual overtones. So I was wondering what it was like in other relationships? Does your dh do this, and do you like it or not? The bizarre thing is that once dh has sat himself in front of the telly at night he doesn't do anything like it and if anything is a bit taciturn.

OP posts:
MrsSleepy · 09/12/2011 10:19

Er never like that, I am not an object that he can just cop a feel when he pleases.

Original poster
Differentname · 09/12/2011 10:25

See that's what I think, but he feels rejected thinking if I loved him more I would like it. So could I ask what it is like in your relationship - how does sex start? Is there no "sexual" touching at all?

OP posts:
JedwardThreesome · 09/12/2011 10:25

About twice a year. Swop?

MrsSleepy · 09/12/2011 10:27

There is sexual touching, But there is a time and a place, My dh knows I love him and I know he loves me, Him touching me up is not a sign the he loves me more. We have sex probably twice a week, Sometimes more sometimes less.

Have you spoke to him about it? Told him how you feel?

Hassledge · 09/12/2011 10:29

It really doesn't matter what's normal for other people - what matters is that it's your body, you're uncomfortable and you want it to stop. It's not about not loving him, it's about feeling that you're being treated solely as a sexual object. You could point out to him that loving someone is about showing them respect.

Original poster
Differentname · 09/12/2011 10:29

More than once, but he just doesn't get it. He thinks I should be pleased that he still fancies me so much. So when is the time and place for sexual touching? Sorry but really interested in the details. Have been with dh since I was 21 and so don't know what's normal or not.

OP posts:
AnotherBloominChristmastance · 09/12/2011 10:30

I get a bum slap everytime i leave the room, i'm just used to it after 6 years, its just a light pat really, and i get the odd boob grope when i get out of the shower, but he never does it at times they would hurt, ie when i'm on period or pregnant, (and never when DC is around) thats about it really. Sex when were both not shattered (maybe once a week/10 days) but we always cuddle in front of the TV and i get all the hugs and kisses i want so I'm pretty happy, he would get his hand chopped off if he tryed to put it down anywhere Xmas Hmm, and i wear practical pants he's never expressed an opinion on

MrsSleepy · 09/12/2011 10:31

Like hassle said, Everyone is different,. If you're not happy with it you need to tell him

Original poster
Differentname · 09/12/2011 10:31

I agree, but I do want to compromise on something that we are both happy with and so it would help to know what areas I should maybe work on and what is definitely his to stop.

OP posts:
Firawla · 09/12/2011 10:32

as sleepy said there is a time & a place, if mine did this all the time randomly through the day i would be peed off with it, especially if kids around and awake cos noway would i want to go and have sex while they are just playing in another room! they might come in or need to call you for something, then what?? Confused
i do think once a week is not much so possibly yabu to want to restrict him only to that, but he is not going about things the right way so yanbu to be annoyed

TheFestiveWife · 09/12/2011 10:34

My DH sounds pretty much like your DH, pretty much all the time. But TBH I quite like it and I'm the same with him. Also when I tell him to sod off I'm not in the mood he does. Your DH needs to listen to you and what you're comfortable with. As others have said it doesn't matter what's normal for other people, it's about what is appropriate in your relationship.

MrsSleepy · 09/12/2011 10:36

It would drive me up the wall if my dh was like that, Some people like it, Some don't.

My BIL and SIL are very much like that, It's like watching a porno when we go to their house.

Greythorne · 09/12/2011 10:37

My DH never does this. Slightly :( actually. He fancies you, it is a good thing. You need to have a chat about 'time and place' and he needs to pick up on your needs more.

dollymixtures · 09/12/2011 10:38

But what's normal for me and DP isn't what will be normal for you. We could all be swinging from the chandeliers seven days a week (or say we areWink) but so what?
You sound very passive, as though he is just doing things to you rather than with you IYSWIM have you actually talked to him about how you feel?

OldGreyWassailTest · 09/12/2011 10:38

My Ex did what you describe all the time. There was never just a kiss or a cuddle, it had to be a grope with spoken innuendo. I couldn't stand it. He also remarked on other women all the time in a sexual way. Note, I said he is my EX !

MrSpoc · 09/12/2011 10:43

Op are you my wife!

I understand your husbands point of view. Has your sex life, needs changed since children and has your husbands stayed the same?

Also can I ask how you initiate sex?

Original poster
Differentname · 09/12/2011 10:44

We have talked about it but he never permanently sticks to what we say.

OP posts:
Malificence · 09/12/2011 11:03

Frequently, but only because I like it and also do it to him.
If he ever stopped touching me in a sexual way I would know something was wrong. He doesn't do it because he wants sex either, he just likes fondling me Grin
I'm a morning groper, if DH isn't interested he will simply hold my hand and pull it up his chest, otherwise he will just lie back and enjoy.

He always does it deliberately when I've either got my hands in the sink or I'm leaning over the bath washing my hair,( to tease me/ get me going then he walks away chuckling) if I didn't like it, he wouldn't do it, that's the most important aspect, it's about respect .

Original poster
Differentname · 09/12/2011 11:13

The question is what does it say about me that I don't like it? Or rather, am I odd in not liking it?

OP posts:
ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 09/12/2011 11:15

When he's feeling both brave AND stupid Xmas Wink

Malificence · 09/12/2011 11:19

Different, it says that he's not respecting your boundaries, you are not odd if you don't like it, if he's only ever doing it because he wants a shag then there is a problem - it becomes pestering rather than something you both enjoy.

Original poster
Differentname · 09/12/2011 11:21

I would say half the time at least he's not really after a shag, he just enjoys fondling.

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 09/12/2011 11:21

Op can i ask. Ws he like this at the beginning of the relationship, if he was, how did you feel then, how did you respond.

Also when you want sex, how do you initiate it?

Helltotheno · 09/12/2011 11:26

You're not liking it cos he's treating you like a sex object and nobody wants to be treated that way. It doesn't sound especially as though he wants sex with you as such, he's just like a goddam dog in heat and goes round groping the nearest available gropable object... which happens to be you.

In your shoes, I'd be really pissed off if I'd told him to knock it on the head/take no for an answer and he'd completely ignored that.

You're NOT odd in not liking it. There's a happy medium with these things.

MrsPepperpotty · 09/12/2011 11:26

OP to answer your question, my DH and I kiss and cuddle in a non-sexual way, but we would never do the sexual touching you describe unless it was leading up to a shag.

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