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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know how often your dh/dp touches you "like that"?

93 replies

Differentname · 09/12/2011 10:14

I just don't know what's normal, what dh thinks or what I think. He wants to "feel me up" several times a day - so in the morning, get close, maybe put his hand down there (in the hope it will lead somewhere, he is very much into morning sex I am not), after the shower look at what pants I'm wearing, then after work come home, kiss, fondle my breasts, that sort of thing, at the weekend he would like to go back to bed after breakfast while the kids play for extensive smooching - I find it all too much. My ideal would be, have sex once a week or so but apart from that just be nice to each other, kiss and cuddle, but without the constant sexual overtones. So I was wondering what it was like in other relationships? Does your dh do this, and do you like it or not? The bizarre thing is that once dh has sat himself in front of the telly at night he doesn't do anything like it and if anything is a bit taciturn.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 09/12/2011 16:13

Good post highland

Original poster
Differentname · 09/12/2011 16:15

HE really is a good guy, and he has tried, but then he starts again because I think he thinks that one day I might revert to being the person I was. I reall think a lot of it is down to the fact that he loved the way we were so much. And so did I, but I just can't be that person anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Differentname · 09/12/2011 16:17

Highland, thanks for your post, and good suggestions. Once a week is kind of an offer on my part already, onc a fortnight would be enough for me.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 09/12/2011 16:17

Have you actually told him that OP, just like you posed there?

valiumredhead · 09/12/2011 16:17

posTed

KatieScarlett2833 · 09/12/2011 16:19

Butt grope sometimes when getting a hug, but not seriously expecting sex.

More of a grrr, you are gorge woman type of thing.

I like it.

Whatmeworry · 09/12/2011 16:20

Sounds like he wants the old you and you want a new him.

In my experience trying to change what once was is very tricky if one partner doesn't want to change, so lots of compromising and understanding will be needed from both of you IMO. Good luck.

blackcurrants · 09/12/2011 16:22

It's hard to want sex when it feels like a chore. It's impossible (IME) to want to do ANYTHING like an extra chore when you're being pestered and nagged about it.

Sit down with him, if you think he's loving and kind and really cares about you, and say: Hello DH - I miss being young and carefree too. Here is how I feel at the end of the day. Here's a list of chores that YOU CAN DO to help me feel less tired.
Also: keep your hands to yourself. If you want more sex, treat me like a goddess and not a bowl of fucking peanuts you can nibble on when you fancy it. I will feel more sexy when I am not your easy-access-grope-meat. Respect me, fucking well worship me, and watch me bloom.

Also: I've told you this already. Do you listen to me and care about how I feel? Cos if not, THAT is deeply unsexy. Feeling like someone's housekeeper and prostitute is UNSEXY.

Also: whining that I'd love being groped if I loved you is fucking pathetic. let me turn the tables on you: if you LOVED ME ENOUGH you would listen to me when I say that I don't like what you're doing, and it's putting me off you. Because if you loved me, you would care about how I feel. Right now, it seems like you don't.

HTH ;)

valiumredhead · 09/12/2011 16:22

OP what has changed over the years, you keep saying you can't be that person any more?

Whatmeworry · 09/12/2011 16:22

PS I think Highland's post looks like a good first go at a compromise.

highlandcoo · 09/12/2011 16:49

OP, you can be that person again, but it is really hard with young kids I know. It won't happen straight away but does get easier as they give you more space. Just try to stay connected in the meantime
We are many years down the line now - kids grown up, still together and still happy. We occasionally talk about how things were then - I hadn't realised that it was tough for him too. He didn't say loads about it at the time because like your OH he is a nice guy. So I don't think your husband is a sex pest and I can honestly see both sides of this. Tbh, my OH worked away and had the opportunity to be unfaithful and some men would have done so, I'm sure. He didn't because he loved me and I'm very glad.
If I could turn back the clock, I would have changed my approach sooner because we would both have had a happier time. Once you get back into it, it gets to be more fun IYKWIM
Good luck - I think you will sort this out :)

LEttletownofBOFlehem · 09/12/2011 19:03

How is agreeing to have sex at least four times more than the level you would be happy with just so the other person will stop bloody groping and pestering you a GOOD COMPROMISE?

"Back the fuck off, or I will never sleep with you again" is a more logical response.

dollymixtures · 09/12/2011 21:35

OP, do you actually fancy your DH anymore?

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 22:03

Blackcurrants what an excellent post Grin

I'm going to cut and paste that to keep.

OP, I suggest you print it out and hand it to him.

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 22:20

For all of those telling the OP to compromise, read her entry again.

I'm totally baffled by your responses Sad

Whatmeworry · 09/12/2011 22:55

I'm totally baffled by your responses

I am as baffled by the "Back the fuck off, or I will never sleep with you again" approach tbh.

Ouchmyhead · 09/12/2011 23:01

For what my two cents is worth ... Everyday! More than once with boob fondling! But I like it! I also reciprocate (spelling?!) it! It doesn't lead to sex all the time, we probably only have sex 3 or 4 times a week but we're happy - shows that after all these years we still fancy each other!

Pendeen · 09/12/2011 23:56

".. we probably only have sex 3 or 4 times a week .."

Only?

Bloody hell.

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