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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to know how often your dh/dp touches you "like that"?

93 replies

Differentname · 09/12/2011 10:14

I just don't know what's normal, what dh thinks or what I think. He wants to "feel me up" several times a day - so in the morning, get close, maybe put his hand down there (in the hope it will lead somewhere, he is very much into morning sex I am not), after the shower look at what pants I'm wearing, then after work come home, kiss, fondle my breasts, that sort of thing, at the weekend he would like to go back to bed after breakfast while the kids play for extensive smooching - I find it all too much. My ideal would be, have sex once a week or so but apart from that just be nice to each other, kiss and cuddle, but without the constant sexual overtones. So I was wondering what it was like in other relationships? Does your dh do this, and do you like it or not? The bizarre thing is that once dh has sat himself in front of the telly at night he doesn't do anything like it and if anything is a bit taciturn.

OP posts:

Original poster

Differentname · 09/12/2011 11:27

He was like it then but I responded to it differently, especially before we had children. Flip side was that he was also more affectionate, whereas now he's affectionate with the children while I just get the fondling. I never initiate sex because I am too put off by the fondling.

OP posts:

Malificence · 09/12/2011 11:32

The thing is that there is no normal with this, some people (me) love it happening multiple times per day , others see it as foreplay only.

Hell, some people like being treated that way the key is respecting what your partner does / does not find acceptable.

Malificence · 09/12/2011 11:35

The fact that he can't / won't touch without making it sexual is a problem. Have you told him it puts you off sex?

MrSpoc · 09/12/2011 11:36

There is ur problem then. Its a vicious circle.

Has has not changed, yet he has not accounted for you changing, having kids etc.

When he used to do it, you liked it, responded. Now you push him away. He feels rejected, a slease, un attractive etc.

How do you break the circle?

Original poster

Differentname · 09/12/2011 11:37

Yes
The thing is, before you ask, he is really great in so many ways - fantastic dad, very supportive of me...

OP posts:

Beachcomber · 09/12/2011 11:37

Differentname he is harassing you and pestering you. This is clear from your last post.

He needs to grow up and respect your boundaries.

There is nothing wrong with you not liking this sort of attention, I wouldn't like it either.

Helltotheno · 09/12/2011 11:37

the key is respecting what your partner does / does not find acceptable.

OP's partner doesn't. She wants to be able to express gestures of affection without it leading to sex, he on the other hand, touches her constantly with a view to sex. As she said, he 'feels her up' several times a day. Some people like being treated that way? Really?

Original poster

Differentname · 09/12/2011 11:37

I have said to him to stop acting like a 14 year old.

I don't know how to break the cycle.

OP posts:

MrSpoc · 09/12/2011 11:41

Can no one else see that he is not the only problem.

You married the man as he was. You ENJOYED him as he was untill YOU changed. He is confused and does not understand why you NO LONGER enjoy him the way you once did.

Helltotheno · 09/12/2011 11:44

Very hard to advise you. Personally I'd move out and tell him if things didn't improve a lot, I wouldn't be back. But most won't side with me on that one.

Maybe suggest counselling to get some of the issues out on the table?

Helltotheno · 09/12/2011 11:45

He is confused and does not understand why you NO LONGER enjoy him the way you once did.

I think the op has tried to tell him that many times. Seems he's not taking it on board, ergo his problem.

Original poster

Differentname · 09/12/2011 11:45

MrSpoc I agree, thing is how many years until he gets it?

OP posts:

AmorYCohetes · 09/12/2011 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Differentname · 09/12/2011 11:46

Moving out totally out of the question, and don't want to really - I love family life.

OP posts:

MrSpoc · 09/12/2011 11:48

how WOULD you initiate sex op?

FanjoForTheReindeerJumper · 09/12/2011 11:48

It is not YOUR problem,it is his problem, you have told him and he should accept it..slightly glad I'm not MrSpoc's wife

fanniadams · 09/12/2011 11:49

MrSpoc, I can see what you are saying to a point, but the OP also said her DH used to be affectionate as well but now the children get his affection and she just gets the groping ...

My DH is like the OP's too but I get plenty of lovely cuddles and affection at other times so I feel appreciated and loved and desireable not just there to be groped.

Beachcomber · 09/12/2011 11:49

Does he get it at all when you talk to him about it - is he really listening to what you are saying and trying to understand?

When we have children lots of things in our lives change. I found having young children a very physical experience, I felt 'touched out' by the end of the day and the last thing I wanted was DH to come home and dry hump me whilst I was emptying the dishwasher or putting his hands on my in a sexual way whilst I shouted 'be there in a minute' to the children for the millionth time that day.

It is perfectly simple - your DH is not entitled to touch you in this way if you don't want him to. End of.

The next conversation you need to have is one asking why it is so hard for him to respect your boundaries and bodily autonomy and if he understands that not having this basic level respect is about as sexy as a cold shower.

He is turning sex into a chore, another one, on top of all the other chores that I imagine you have since becoming a mother.

And if he says 'yes but if you luuurrrvvved me you would like it' tell him to stop acting like a teenage boy and trying to guilt you into getting a grope.

Does he do his fair share in the house?

fridakahlo · 09/12/2011 11:52

MrSpoc- people do change, it is healthy to change and in a healthy relationship both parties should be able to accept and deal with that change esp in regards to what happens to a relationship post children.
Imagine never developing past the age of 21

Beachcomber · 09/12/2011 11:57

MrSpoc why do you keep asking the OP how she initiates sex? She already said that she doesn't initiate sex because she is put off by the fondling.

Unwanted sexual attention that a person has said they do not want is sexual harassment. Women who have healthy boundaries do not like it and it is very destructive behaviour in a couple.

Malificence · 09/12/2011 11:59

"Some people like being treated that way? Really?" Yes, really , I do and I like doing it to my DH of 26 years too, I will walk past his sofa, grab his hair , pull his head back to kiss him and stick my hand down his pants if the mood takes me but I wouldn't do it if he didn't like it.

But then I'm not under constant pressure from a man who thinks he is entitled to do it regardless of my feelings.

Beachcomber · 09/12/2011 12:00

This notion that because a women like a certain sort of sexual behaviour in the past, means that she has consented to it for evermore, is massively disrespectful.

Beachcomber · 09/12/2011 12:02

sorry 'a woman liked'

Malificence · 09/12/2011 12:07

To insist on any kind of behaviour when your partner has explained that they don't like it ( especially when it puts them off sex) is quite odd actually, an emotionally healthy adult ought to be able to take this on board and modify their behaviour .
Intimacy, not just sexual intimacy, is vital in a healthy relationship - why is he unable to express intimacy without sexual touching?

MillyR · 09/12/2011 12:10

The issue seems to me to be that you entered into a relationship that was both loving and sexual and that was demonstrated in a physical way (as well as presumably other ways). The love is not longer demonstrated in a physical way, which makes you feel very differently about the sex.

I would say your response is how most people would respond. People generally get married on the expectation that it will be a loving relationship not just a sexual one. If they feel unloved in any way, that will often massively change their feelings about sex.

Have you asked your DH why he no longer touches you in an affectionate way?

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