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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know how often your dh/dp touches you "like that"?

93 replies

Differentname · 09/12/2011 10:14

I just don't know what's normal, what dh thinks or what I think. He wants to "feel me up" several times a day - so in the morning, get close, maybe put his hand down there (in the hope it will lead somewhere, he is very much into morning sex I am not), after the shower look at what pants I'm wearing, then after work come home, kiss, fondle my breasts, that sort of thing, at the weekend he would like to go back to bed after breakfast while the kids play for extensive smooching - I find it all too much. My ideal would be, have sex once a week or so but apart from that just be nice to each other, kiss and cuddle, but without the constant sexual overtones. So I was wondering what it was like in other relationships? Does your dh do this, and do you like it or not? The bizarre thing is that once dh has sat himself in front of the telly at night he doesn't do anything like it and if anything is a bit taciturn.

OP posts:
MrsHoarder · 09/12/2011 12:13

MrSpoc: its not a man thing, I like groping DH, but I know that there is a level of sexual activity (when not leading up to full sex) that makes him uncomfy, which is the last thing I want. So being an adult in a healthy, respectful relationship I keep groping below that line unless he looks up for more today.

The problem for the OP is that her husband doesn't seem able to respect her boundaries, which is an issue. Most people (excluding those into "other things") have more sex when they feel happy and respected by their partner.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 09/12/2011 12:13

My (abusive) ex used to do it all the time and would be offended that I was less than thrilled. It was a sign of ownership.

Original poster
Differentname · 09/12/2011 12:43

The thing is dh really is at heart a gentle and kind person, I think he just loved the early days/early years of our relationship so much and misses the way we were then and tries to recreate what we had, but I am just not that person anymore - and he has changed, too, where he used to talk for hours and really open up emotionally he is now more withdrawn on that level. Trouble is it's a chicken and egg thing - did he withdraw emotionally cos I did physically, or vice versa?

OP posts:
Malificence · 09/12/2011 12:52

That's very possible , it sounds like you have to sit down and really talk this through, neither of you can be very happy with the situation as it stands , if it continues there will be more and more resentment on both sides.
If he is a kind and caring man then I'm sure you can work at things and both compromise, he really should be able to cuddle and kiss you without the sexual overtones - if he could do that, would that be "problem solved" or are there other issues? It seems like such a simple issue to sort out if that's really the only problem.

dollymixtures · 09/12/2011 13:07

did he withdraw emotionally cos I did physically, or vice versa?

None of us can answer that, the only way you can resolve the situation is to make time together to get to the bottom of the problem. Can you go out for a drink without the kids or the TV to distract you and just chat it over? Maybe try a night without the telly on and try snuggling and talking at the same time? I dunno, I just think you two are the ones with the answers not us.

FWIW me and DP touch constantly, sometimes affectionately sometimes lustfully Grin but it's two way and it's within agreed boundaries (no lust in front of the kids or the MILs for eg!). We have also had to accept that we aren't 21 anymore and more often than not one of us is knackered!

Step · 09/12/2011 13:12

I refuse to accept I'm not 21.

It's something the two of of you need to sort. We're all different.

AyeFartedOnSantasLap · 09/12/2011 13:17

Just how shit must a seduction method be if it has been made a criminal offence?

Differentname, have you told him all that you have said on here?

G1nger · 09/12/2011 13:22

You don't have to accept being treated this way. If it doesn't work for you anymore, your partner and you need to move the relationship in a new direction. Can you take control for a while - show him a different way of doing things so that you can both have the things you want?

Bonsoir · 09/12/2011 13:28

My DP gets very touchy feely when he relaxes - so not in the morning before work or when he has just got in from a long day, but very often when we are out with friends or in front of my parents!

LeQueen · 09/12/2011 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carmenelectra · 09/12/2011 13:54

My dp probably gropes me several times a day. Not everyday most most days. I grope him. I'm glad he fancies me.

He will grab my bum when he comes home from work, sometimes look down my top or the back of my trousers to see my knickers. I am not offended in the least. Mostly it's not leading anywhere as it's an inappropriate time?place. Its just a bit of fun. He has always done this.

He is affectionate to me also in a non-sexual way. We both initiate sex, though probably me more.

It's all about how you are treated generally in a relationship though as to whether something like this would upset you.

Pendeen · 09/12/2011 13:59

" ... He thinks I should be pleased that he still fancies me so much ..."

That's a fairly awful attitude really.

SardineQueen · 09/12/2011 14:03

I think you are on the wrong track to ask whether this is normal in a relationship. Different people have different relationships and what one couple like to do another might not. The key is whether the people in the relationship like it or not.

So some women like this, some don't, some do it themselves, some think it's disrespectful. All valid ways of feeling. You don't like it in your relationship. So you need to sit down with your DH and really talk this all through.

Original poster
Differentname · 09/12/2011 14:52

The sad thing is, then, that he and I have different expectations of what's normal in a happy relationship, and I can't see where the compromise solution is.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 09/12/2011 15:13

Oh I love a bit of slap and tickle, so I'm not the best one to ask. Does it feel like he is pestering you rather than it just being fun?

valiumredhead · 09/12/2011 15:14

'Slap and tickle' - now THAT'S a bit of an odd expression if you think too much about it, isn't it?...

LeQueen · 09/12/2011 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 15:18

OP even the way you describe what he does makes me cringe then become rather angry. Yes, he is treating you like an object in my opinion.

Beachcomber · 09/12/2011 15:20

Doesn't he get it if you say to him 'I don't like it when you do that to me. it does not make me feel loved and it doesn't make me feel sexy or feel like having sex'?

I mean is he quite happy to keep on doing it knowing that you are gritting your teeth and putting up with it?

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 15:30

This is NOT the way a man who love's and respects you acts, not at all.

Don't like the sound of you one little bit either Spoc.

valiumredhead · 09/12/2011 15:38

The thing is dh really is at heart a gentle and kind person

Just think that needs saying again, before his character is totally ripped to shreds.

OP I think you need to have a chat with him about this asap otherwise you will continue to feel pestered.

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 15:43

I can't think of anyone who is gently and kind that does that type of thing. She has told him and he hasn't take any notice.

We have talked about it but he never permanently sticks to what we say

There is a huge difference here compared to what some are saying about their bit of slap and tickle.

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 15:44

She DOES feel pestered.

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 15:47

The bizarre thing is that once dh has sat himself in front of the telly at night he doesn't do anything like it and if anything is a bit taciturn.

The man is a bloody sex pest all day then if there's something on the box he wants to watch he ignores her.

NICE

highlandcoo · 09/12/2011 16:10

OP, you say he's a nice guy and a good dad and everything else is fine, so it's worth an honest talk - and even doing a bit of a deal/compromise - to sort this out. An earlier poster mentioned feeling "all touched out" after a day with young kids and I remember feeling like that - the last thing I wanted was one more person wanting a piece of me - so I do understand. The more he paws at you, the less you fancy it. He feels rejected and it adds up to both of you feeling unhappy and misunderstood.
Sex once a week is not very much. I bet if you could get your mind round doing it more, your husband would calm down and stop constantly feeling you up. I'd talk to him honestly about doing it more often, but cutting out the groping in between, and more non-sexual affection too. That would be the deal.
I bet lots of people are going to disagree strongly - and I'm not talking about being pressurised into doing anything you don't want to do - but from my own experience this was an approach that worked for me.