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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why people get married when...

116 replies

dancingmustard · 08/12/2011 03:47

They don't agree on who's name to take (Surname)

They like to be considered separate in a flimsy hippy type of way even though they've nailed their colours to the mast and took the nuptial plunge.

They hate the 'Traditions' of marriage yet actually get married.

OP posts:

dancingmustard · 08/12/2011 06:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

gypsycat · 08/12/2011 06:42

I think many Arabic women would disagree with you dancingmustard. I currently live in the United Arab Emirates, and previous to this I lived in Qatar. Many of the women here do not consider themselves repressed in the least. They have different values and goals to Western women, but that doesn't mean they are "ruled by men."

While marriages here are generally arranged, by Islamic tradition, they cannot be forced. Forced marriages are illegal. While it does still happen, especially in places like Afghanistan, Yemen and the more isolated parts of Saudi Arabia, it is by far not the norm. Arguably just as many women are forced into marriage in the West.

Also, since Christianity came from the Middle East in the first place, and Arabic Christian women do not usually change their surname, it's the west that has applied it's cultural values on the Christian marriage, not the Arabs. There is nothing in the Bible that states Christian women have to change their last name.

brdgrl · 08/12/2011 06:43

...and suddenly...it all makes sense.

ericnorthmansmistress, are you really pleasuring yourself on OP's behalf? because that doesn't sound very Christian Values to me. please do stop.

EricNorthmansMistress · 08/12/2011 06:44

Oh yes. Nothing gets my motor running more than the incoherent ramblings of a frothing berserker.

Original poster

dancingmustard · 08/12/2011 06:44

Have I just upset brdgrls fantasy?

Ohhh sweet jesus :)

OP posts:

sashh · 08/12/2011 06:59

In pakistan all maried women take the name Begum, in arabic culture women keep their own name until they have baby boy, then they take his name, in Iceland girls take their mother's first name and add dottier, men their fathers and add son. SO a family consisting of two partent of the opposite sex, and two children, one of each sex will have 4 different surnames.

In the USA a woman cannot (unless this has changed recently) change the name on her professional registration so Doctors / lawyers have to use the name they had when they qualified.

Amongst actresses it is common to keep your maiden name for professional purposes.

It is a matter of choice which name you choose to use. Or whether you choose to hyphenate, or pick a new name for the two of you.

gypsycat · 08/12/2011 07:04

"in arabic culture women keep their own name until they have baby boy, then they take his name"
Not exactly. They don't legally take the baby boy's name or change their name in anyway. Professionally they are still known by their given names, and amongst most people they would still be called by their given names, HOWEVER, sometimes they may be referred to as "Umm (insert boys first name here)" But this is a pretty old tradition and is pretty much obsolete outside of small villages and towns.

mummytime · 08/12/2011 07:58

I am a Christian I didn't change my name? Are you doubting my faith? I don't think God cares that much about names, especially surnames which are a fairly recent thing anyhow.

Ifancyashandy · 08/12/2011 08:18

dancingmustard any valid* argument you might have had it's being lost in your antagonistic behaviour. Just so you know.

*not that I think you are being valid.

samandi · 08/12/2011 08:29

If they agree to keep separate names I don't see the problem.

Marriage traditions have changed enormously throughout time and culture, it certainly isn't the case that women have/do always take the man's surname upon marriage.

vixsatis · 08/12/2011 08:38

What nonsense. I have kept my own name, do not wear a wedding ring and had a secular ceremony. This does not mean that my marriage is worthless.

First, I think it worthwhile for couples to make a positive decision that they really intend to spend the rest of their lives together before they have children.

Second, if it does go wrong it is clear what the level of commitment was intended to be and one's legal rights in those circumstances reflect that. The beneficiary of these rights is generally (given that it is generally she who will- as a matter of fact, I am not saying that this ought to be the case- have the larger share of the childcare burden.

Third, I like the fact that my husband and I made a public commitment and it gives us something to live up to.

I would not have married until the concept of marital rape was recognised and until women were permitted to fill in their own tax returns

vixsatis · 08/12/2011 08:39

Sorry, second point: "The beneficiarry of these rights is generally the woman (given......."

QuietNinjaMincepie · 08/12/2011 09:37

Op is definitely pissed.

EricNorthmansMistress · 08/12/2011 09:39

arabic culture women keep their own name until they have baby boy, then they take his name

Not every culture.

nailak · 08/12/2011 09:53

erm being called umm (insert childs name) is a nick name, and its not just women? men have the same thing, they are called Abu (insert name) obviously the most famous one being Abu Bakr, and it doesnt have to be the boys name, one of the sahabiya was Umm Salmah?

it is sunnah to take a kunyah (nick name) but you also have Abu Hurairah (sp?) father of cats. so it is just a nick name.

OP the UK is a multicultural country which accepts and respects different beliefs. Marriage in the UK does not automatically reflect traditional Christian beliefs. It represents a spectrum of Christian, non CHristian, atheist and alternative spiritualities.

Personally, I am born and raised in the UK. In my family and in laws the women all changed their name after marriage. However I havent, because in my faith it says peoples lineage should be able to be identified, and when you marry your lineage doesnt change, you dont become part of your husbands lineage, but still have your own, and that should be represented in your name.

The reasons for marriage are because i believe in the spiritual and emotional commitment.

ShellyBoobs · 08/12/2011 09:59

We're not married, but we probably will be sometime next year.

I've never been bothered by it and I'm not at all interested in changing surnames; DD has OH's surname which I think works fine for us.

The only reason we'll do it is for financial security as OH and I both have pensions which include life assurance and a spousal pension.

As far as I've been informed, the spousal pension is only payable to a spouse (or civil partner) so we want to make sure we're entitled to claim if the worst was to happen to one of us.

I don't really care if anyone else thinks we should have other, religious/traditional reasons for getting married.

SimoneD · 08/12/2011 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

inatrance · 08/12/2011 10:16

Are you a bloke by any chance OP? A troll yes, but are you male as well? Just for the record..

SimoneD · 08/12/2011 10:22

Haha, inatrance you are spot on. OP is some sort of neanderthal male who's pissed off because his girlfriend wont take his name if they marry!

RockingBEYONDtheXmasTree · 08/12/2011 10:25

I changed my name when I got married, I personally dont understand the "I dont belong to my husband" argument, as last time I checked I didnt belong to my dad either. So I wouldnt consider keeping "my" name a feminist act, as it came from my dads name. And even if I reverted to my mums maiden name, that is still my grandfathers name...

But I really couldnt care less what other people choose to do

Though I would assume they marry as a marriage ceremony alone is cheaper than sorting out all of the paperwork separately? Plus they get to have a party

SetFiretotheRain · 08/12/2011 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RockingBEYONDtheXmasTree · 08/12/2011 10:27

meant to put after my first paragraph, not !!

RockingBEYONDtheXmasTree · 08/12/2011 10:28

And love. Obviously

nailak · 08/12/2011 10:30

rockingbeyond it is about lineage, you dont belong to your father, but due to the patriarchal nature of society, your lineage as a daughter is attributed to your father, but as a wife your lineage doesnt change from that of your fore fathers to that of your husbands fore fathers, you dont loose your whole identity and merge with your husband.

MabelLucyAttwell · 08/12/2011 10:31

SimoneD

How I agree with everything you've said. I knew in the early 60s that I did not have to change my name on marriage but the man I was going to marry said, "If you don't change your name, it means you don't love me." I remember that to this day. Because I 'thought' I loved him, I did change my name but, having got rid of him and found a wonderful man, I married again and kept my first married name. He did not mind at all because he loved me and wanted me. I had the happiest time of my life.

As a postscript, I'm sure you all know that, when the Queen married Prince Philip, she did not change her name either. There's an example for you all.

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