to be annoyed that women who give birth naturally without pain relief are always told they "did really well"?

[Fishandjam]

In brief, this is my gripe. I was induced as an emergency at 38 weeks due to sudden, severe pre-eclamptic liver failure. As you might expect, a fully interventionist birth followed - straight to large doses of drip syntocinon (no messing about with pessaries ? time was of the essence), not allowed to get up from the bed (due to monitoring), unbearable contractions, epidural, episiotomy, forceps. My baby, however, was fine, as was I (eventually).

There was nothing whatever I could have done about the way the birth went. I was exhausted from the liver failure (anyone who has had that will know just how depleted of energy you get). I couldn?t have an active labour due to the need for monitoring, and lying flat on your back makes for very painful contractions ? and the medical staff were only too happy for me to have an epidural, as they weren?t at all sure I?d have the strength to actually birth the baby without a C-section. Forceps were always going to be necessary, due to lying on my back and therefore effectively having to push the baby uphill. But I ? we ? coped, and all was well in the end.

So why do women who are lucky enough to have a normal, active labour, without pain relief other than G&A, and no interventions, get told that they ?did really well?, when people like me are not? I heard so much of it on the post-natal ward, from the midwives themselves as well as family/friends of other newly delivered mothers. Given my circumstances, didn?t I do well too? And why not for emergency C-sections also, where the woman has to go through the trauma of unexpected major surgery?

It just seems to reinforce the idea that childbirth is a competitive display of physical prowess, and that those of us who need medical help to give birth safely have somehow failed. When to me, it seems to be the luck of the draw.

I think anyone who has an emergency section or suchlike did much better than I did. I had a natural birth with no pain relief - my midwife told me you don't get medals for not getting pain relief, but I was scared of any medical intervention so managed ok. But I think my birth was a lot less scary than many others, so I guess I was lucky, but don't consider that I did well, or any better than any other woman who has given birth.

I've not read the other responses, but I'd say you're right, someone like you did well to get through such an ordeal. I've never thought of it like that before so YANBU to bring up the point.

But YABU to be annoyed at people that have easy births being told they did well too. Sometimes (as in cases like yours) it's out of your hands, but I do believe that some people that have easy births had worked hard to achieve that too (eg meditation, hypnobirth, relaxation techniques).

YANBU. It really is down to luck.

In a way YABU as yes they have done well. You have too, as well as everyone who gives birth.

I was also induced with syntocin and yes it was bleedin' painful.. I went nearly 20 hours without an epidural during which time I had 6-7 contractions in 10 mins and was hallucinating and really wish I had had it ealier (I was in so much pain and barely conscious that I couldn't ask earlier, and at the beginning I was determined to just use entonox (G&A).. wasn't I naive..)

I think you need to stop being hung over on this point. Everyone has done well, regardless of how their birth went. It's not a competition! :)

I think everyone who gives birth has done really well, lets face it we are all scared of it at some point during our pregnancy. Just because you didnt have a completely natural no interventions birth it doesnt make yopu a failure and in fact i think you guys that dont have it easy (i did sorry) have a harder time of it because you have more to recover from because of all the intervention. I say well done, you had a perfectly healthy baby, and the midwives should be more sensitive to you.

Just wanted to add that I think your anger over this may be to do with not having the birth experience which you wanted, which is understandable. I do think you need to look at the greater picture though, and be thankful for what you have.

agree with the general point of the OP. Of course every labour and birth involves pain / effort etc and every woman does well regardless of the amount of intervention. However, it is definitely my experience that whenever someone has given birth, the conversation among the mummy friends and especially any grandparents includes some comment on how well they did if it was a short labour with minimal intervention. Those with the opposite experience (including me, twice) do not get told they've done badly and usually get lots of sympathy but there is an implied (intended or otherwise) meaning in saying that someone did well if it went one way, that someone did less well if it went another way. I am in no way angry or bitter about my own experiences and am not projecting this onto these comments but I do feel that it is something that is common and the OP is allowed to feel somewhat narked about it.

I had a normal first birth because it was only four hours, no one patted me on the back, I was practically tied to a bed too bastards and on my back how else do you give birth? Id have taken pain relief any day of the week. I did with my second not that it felt like it made a difference.

As agreed, everyone who gives birth does really well.

I was proud of myself after DC1, even though it was an induction, strapped to the bed job with epidural.

However, I freely admit I was really, really proud of myself after DC2 which was also an induction, but where I had to labour by myself as it was visiting hours and there were no free delivery suites (so DH wasn't allowed in), and then eventually delivered her without so much as a panadol (partly because there were no free delivery suites - I was shouting for an epidural, believe me,). I'm not going to lie, I do think I did really well. And so did DH who couldn't stop going on about it for days and days afterwards.

Absolutely everyone does well, and agree with those who say don't judge people who have gone without pain relief (not saying you are, OP; have just seen a few allegations of smugness on this thread) assuming they may have had an easier job of it, as it does come across a little like sour grapes.

I'm a bit ashamed to even be posting on this thread. I hate how birth always seems to be such a competition. We've all of us who've given birth done an amazing job and congratulating one person doesn't detract from anyone else.

I had a very easy first birth (and subsequent). My recollection from going to antenatal class reunions and new mum coffee mornings was that I wasn't really allowed to talk about my labour because it didn't have a gory story to talk about. I felt a little bit left out when everyone else was talking about their stitches etc.

It isn't really a competition, you know.

YANBU. You did really well.

The thing to remember here is that success is not just about what you achieve, but what you had to overcome to achieve it.

That is what I privately think when my elcs after a stressful Type 1 diabetic pregnancy is compared with other people's home births after a normal, complication free pregnancy. I never had the options that most other women I know have. I know I did really well, and I'm almost past caring what other people think. I'd like to have seen them do a pregnancy in my shoes, and see which decision they would have made.

IMO Who cares how you give birth?, surely end results is what counts, and of course that mother and baby are well, there are no medals for it, and every labour is unique and beautiful in it's own way.
I had two very different experiences with my two, total oposites, one very traumatic and paintful, with every drug going, and second very natural, calm, quick and drug free.
I say enjoy your baby, you had a very sirious condition and took in your stride just be proud of that.

Hi Fish

I remember the god awful announcement texts from NCT group. . Name Weight and if drug free, twas in the badge of honour? Emergency C sections were ok as "oh they had no choice" Total gobshites[grins].

OP I quite agree with you.

My first birth was fairly long and involved an epidural and ventouse. My second two were very fast with no pain relief at all. (With birth #2 I only got to the hospital 5 mins before the baby popped out.) You wouldn't believe the amount of praise I got from the midwives for the quick ones. No doubt they were very pleased because it meant they could tick another birth off without me adding much to the workload for their overstretched department, but still.
The silly thing is, it was the first birth that took the grit and endurance. That's the one they should have been saying well done for. The other two just happened.

I have a friend who confessed she felt like she'd 'failed' because she had a c-section, and this is exactly the kind of thing that makes people feel like that IMO.

I got praise for my effort in my all you can eat interventionful birth of DS1 and my calmness when DS2 just fell out in the loo. I don't think praising one woman for getting through her birth takes any away from any other woman getting through her very different birth.

I think sometimes you have to put things into perspective. Your pregnancy sounds like it was incredibly stressful, as was the birth but you are both ok.
I have had to do this myself regarding a congenital health problem that my daughter has, she is ok and will lead a normal life, other kids are not so lucky. Have to tell myself this sometimes when my worry gland goes into overdrive. I am not trying to dismiss your experience, I just think it's helpful to look at the bigger picture sometimes. We are all really blessed that what ever happened to bring our little babies into the world they got here safely. Not everyone is as lucky as we are.

what the fuck ARE you supposed to say to somebody who has either squeezed a human being out of their vagina or had it cut from their abdomen???

my rule is that if the new mother is sounding happy and proud of herself i say 'oh wow, well done you' and if they are sounding traumatised and shaken i say 'oh dear, poor you'... i mean wtf else should i say?

i also tell them their little wrinkly person is amazing and gorgeous and adorable...

Everyone, could you do me a favour? Please could you stop reading things into my OP which are just not there? For example, I've never said that women who have quick labours shouldn't get any praise, or that their births should be dismissed as "easy". I've also never said that birth should be a reverse competition, with those who have a grim time getting more praise - how stupid would that be! Equal treatment, is my point.

I'm looking at you in particular splashy - if you read back, you'll see that I'm not angry at all about my experience (or even the topic of my OP - just "annoyed", which is a long way off angry), and that I am damn grateful for what I have. Believe me, being told that the lives of you and your baby are in danger is a great way of focusing on what really matters. I'd even refer you to a post of mine on a recent DOTD thread where the poster was asking for positive birth stories, and I gave her mine as an example of how a "bad" birth can actually be good. (My birth plan for next year will be one line long - "to come out of this with a live healthy baby.") Being told to focus on the bigger picture and be grateful for what I have is a touch condescending, and not merited by my OP.

I hope that my post didn't cause offence, not my intention at all. I have been in a similar position to you twice and produced two sick babies and am now expecting no3 and very frightened it will all happen again. That is why to me this issue doesn't seem very important.

Tracy, no you're fine. I was just a bit upset that anyone could assume that I was somehow obsessing over my birth experience, and not valuing the gorgeous, funny, clever, handsome little lad I gave birth to. Yes, it wasn't what I planned, but it doesn't matter - everything turned out fine in the end. Like you, I'm worried that my health issues will return with no 2 (though the medics assure me that it's likely to be later in pregnancy and less serious - I so hope they're right). Which is why my birth plan will be one short, heartfelt line long!

I have to say, for my first foray into the shark-infested waters of AIBU, I've been (for the most part) pleasantly surprised by the responses on here. I was expecting a lot less nuanced a discussion!

Yes it can be a frightening experience on here sometimes, even if you aren't the OP! I think for the sake of my bp I'll have to give it a miss once I reach 30 wks! I'm with you on the birth plan, I didn't have one for either birth, it was just a case of 'do whatever it takes"! Luckily for me the birth wasn't so bad in comparison to the rest of it. Good luck with baby no 2!

And good luck to you too Tracy. Maybe we'll both draw the long straw and miss out on problems this time round! How far along are you? I'm only 11 weeks, still feeling sick!

I don't understand why its doing well to not have pain relief No one says 'Oh how clever you had open heart surgery with only gas and air' so why is giving birth any different? It really hurts, if you need pain relief bloody take it.

Think the NCT has a lot to answer for in terms of false expectations and guilt over people feeling they've 'failed'

I sort of see what you mean OP. I've had two large babies (9lb6 and 10lb6) and when people find out they were both normal deliveries I almost always get "Blimey, well done you!" Well thanks, but it's not like I could stop 'em coming out, is it?

I did have a bit of an moment a few days ago on a friend's FB photo, where someone claimed "Hypnobirthing! It's definitely the ONLY way to give birth naturally!" I beg to differ, as I seem to have managed it with the help of every drug going...that sort of smuggity smugness annoys me, but there's no point getting annoyed by it.

I am 18 wks now. My fingers are crossed for both of us. I have my 20 scan just before Christmas so am hoping all will be well, with dd 1 she was already severe iugr at that scan. In saying that though this baby is already kicking away so can't be too small! I felt really anxious in the first few weeks about what was in store later on but my 2 dd's are a great distraction, they have my head so wrecked most of the time! The good thing for us both is that we will be monitored closely, my team were very good the last time around, I felt as though I was in good hands. I felt more nausea this time but that passed by 14 wks so hopefully you not have it for too much longer!