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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt to get christmas card from MIL and SIL

86 replies

dottygirl1 · 05/12/2011 20:35

Maybe I am being sensitive.....My dad passed away in September, after a very short illness. My poor mother is now with palliative care and we are expecting the worst any day, again this is a relatively short illness. Just a few months ago they were both well. We are all distaught in my family. I was hurt and upset that my Sil and Mil sent us christmas cards.....it is a certainty that we are not going to have a festive christmas. My DH doesnt really see why I would be hurt so maybe it is just me. Mindyou my sister couldnt believe they sent them to me.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 05/12/2011 20:36

Blimey... sorry to hear your mum isnt well, and that you lost your dad, but you really are being over-sensitive. :(

PointyLittleDonkeyEars · 05/12/2011 20:37

Maybe they want to cheer you up and didn't quite think it through?

I certainly wouldn't NOT send a card to someone in your position, but I would make sure to pick a neutral one and put in a personalised message of support.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 05/12/2011 20:37

YABU

What are they meant to do - ignore Christmas? Then you might say they were being horrid for NOT sending you cards when you are having such a tough time.

I am really sorry about your parents Sad, but I am sure MIL and SIL thought they were doing the right thing by carrying on as normal.

Teeb · 05/12/2011 20:38

Yes, I think you are feeling over sensitive at the moment. How would you have felt if they chose to ignore you in their thoughts at this Christmas time?

pictish · 05/12/2011 20:38

Sorry to hear about your folks. Sad

You're being oversensitive about the cards though. x

JaneRustle · 05/12/2011 20:38

Poor you it sounds as if you are having a really rough time.

I'm afraid if I knew someone who'd had similar they would be top of my list for an early Christmas card - a gentle one, not full of silly ho ho ho messages and so on - but I'd have thought I was doing something nice, not insensitive, and I think you may find many similar.

The first Christmas without a parent is a shocker, no doubt about it.

t0lk13n · 05/12/2011 20:39

Over sensitive yes....My dad died in August...my mum has sent cards to people and I have sent many cards...to me life goes on. Perhaps people wanted to send you a card to make you feel better. Christmas will be hard but we are celebrating it but without my Dad sadly.

Kayano · 05/12/2011 20:39

Well YABVU.

But sorry about your parents.

squeakytoy · 05/12/2011 20:39

Sorry, I pressed that too soon.

I can understand that you are very upset about your parents. It is only three years since we lost my mum and my fil within 6 months of each other, and that first christmas was subdued, but people will still send cards, they wont expect you to be having a riotous festive season, but they will still hope you have a peaceful one, and want to send you their best wishes too.

SparkleandShine · 05/12/2011 20:39

Sorry to hear you are going through so much Sad

BUT you are being really oversensitive - it is your choice not to celebrate due to the things going on in your life, if you don't want to 'do' Christmas bin the cards. I have a friend who has just suffered a bereavement, I will send her a card as normal, she won't be 'celebrating' but would be distressed to be ignored.

Trills · 05/12/2011 20:40

I don't understand. I think YABU. Why would you be upset to receive a Christmas card? If your Christmas is going to be rubbish don't you want kind messages from family and friends?

LoveInAColdClimate · 05/12/2011 20:41

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you're going through, but YABVU about the cards. But v sorry you are having such an awful time.

Hulababy · 05/12/2011 20:42

Sorry you are going through a tough time.

But tbh I would have still sent a card. I would have chosen a subtle one without too jolly a picture/message, and would probably have added a note to say thinking of you or similar.

Is this card also for your DH, their son/brother? Do you expect them to not send him a card either, their own family?

It would seem even worse to me if they hadn't bothered to send you a card.

Original poster
dottygirl1 · 05/12/2011 20:44

Suppose I am being silly feeling hurt. Its probably a "no win" situation for them. I feel so crap, they are probably damned if they do and damned if they dont send them. As you say life goes on.....

OP posts:
TheAvocadoOfWisdom · 05/12/2011 20:45

Shock but they're sending you cards, which means they're thinking of you?

Sad for you but yabu.

RealityIsADistantMemory · 05/12/2011 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnotherMincepie · 05/12/2011 20:46

YABU to expect no card.

But I agree that some cards are more appropriate than others in this situation.

LoveInAColdClimate · 05/12/2011 20:47

We have quite a few friends who have been bereaved this year (including one couple who lost their baby) and I would be more likely to send them a card, not less. Wouldn't it be worse if people weren't thinking of you? What a terrible year, I'm so sorry as I said above.

RealityIsADistantMemory · 05/12/2011 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sarniesarah · 05/12/2011 20:48

Hi dottygirl1 a little note in the christmas card saying 'thinking of you during this difficult time' wouldn't of hurt. Sorry to hear your news!

ObiWanWithBellsOn · 05/12/2011 20:49

I sort of understand.

My family are Irish Catholics, and we don't send or expect to recieve cards in the 12 months after a close family member dies.

It isn't a custom that is followed here though, and your husbands reaction illustrates that.

You are misinterpreting their intentions I think, they don't mean any harm.

thisisyesterday · 05/12/2011 20:50

i think you are maybe being a bit over-sensitive, although that's understandable,

I know my mum always used to be really careful when choosing a card for one of her friends (for whom christmas was a really sucky time of year) and she always made sure to just get one that said something like "seasons greetings" rather than a "merry/happy christmas" because she knew it wouldn't be!

did they write anything inside? along the lines of "we know you're having a tough time, but we're all thinking of you?"

that might have made it better i think.
i agree that if they hadn't sent a card you might then be thinking "it's been a shit few months and now i don't even have any cards!"

camtt · 05/12/2011 20:51

my parents' generation in Ireland do not send Christmas cards the first Christmas after a bereavement, although my mother always sends some other kind of message. So I think there are certainly cultures in which you would not be being unreasonable.

t0lk13n · 05/12/2011 20:51

My background is Irish Catholic and I have never heard of that custom....must be watered down now since we interbred with the local Welsh!!!! x

TheOriginalFAB · 05/12/2011 20:53

YANBU to be hurt but remember they haven't sent the cards to hurt you.