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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt to get christmas card from MIL and SIL

86 replies

dottygirl1 · 05/12/2011 20:35

Maybe I am being sensitive.....My dad passed away in September, after a very short illness. My poor mother is now with palliative care and we are expecting the worst any day, again this is a relatively short illness. Just a few months ago they were both well. We are all distaught in my family. I was hurt and upset that my Sil and Mil sent us christmas cards.....it is a certainty that we are not going to have a festive christmas. My DH doesnt really see why I would be hurt so maybe it is just me. Mindyou my sister couldnt believe they sent them to me.

OP posts:

Bue · 05/12/2011 22:55

That's the spirit, OP - they really do make a card for everything these days :) Glad to hear you're smiling.

Laquitar · 05/12/2011 22:59

YANBU.
I would send a card but i would have altered the usual message to your situation.

birdinatent · 05/12/2011 23:03

have just read the op so apologies if this is repetitive, I just had to sympathise with you, I am so sorry to hear about your tough time. I have also lost both my mum and dad this year, slightly different circumstances, both had illnesses that we knew were terminal, but unfortunately they died within 2 months of one another. they hadnt been together for over 25 years, so I have had two separate wills and houses and everything to sort out. just wanted to say how sorry I am and to not be to hard on your relatives for sending you cards, I would say from experience that people really dont know how to deal with this. When my mum died there was a lot of sympathy, lots of friends came to the funeral and I got loads of cards and flowers, when my dad died, it was much more muted, as if people couldnt believe how horrible things had got, and couldnt bring themselves to be as sympathetic, maybe because they just didnt know what to say to me.
Sorry to ramble on, just hang on in there, you will cope, and it will be horrible, and eventually you will be able to look back and see how you survived it. lots of love to you all

joyjac · 06/12/2011 00:00

I think the no-cards thing is an Irish tradition, as opposed to Catholic in general. The closer the bereavement is to Christmas, the more it is observed. Generally cards aren't sent that year, although there will always be cards received from people who didn't know of the tradition. No malice aforethought.

TapirBackRidersJinglyBells · 06/12/2011 05:24

I do sympathise with you OP, but just want to add the following.

My beloved FIL died suddenly last December and his funeral was two days before xmas.

We still recieved and sent cards, as we both knew that he would not want our grief to bring life to a full stop.

We are just coming up to the first anniversary of his death, and I really feel for my dh, and am trying to make things as easy as possible for him. I know he is feeling his loss badly, but he is doing his best to carry on, not just for our dcs and I, but because life does go on.

The card idea sounds good

JamieComeHome · 06/12/2011 05:28

Did they mention your bereavement in the card? If not, then I can see why you might feel like this.

I have just sent a card to someone who has been bereaved this year, and I chose it carefully and wrote a message about how it must be hard this time of year.

I hope I did the right thing

Shutupanddrive · 06/12/2011 08:06

Sorry to hear your sad news, but yabu I think. They just want to show they are thinking of you

porcamiseria · 06/12/2011 08:22

oh sweet jesus! I am SO SORRY you are going thru this this,. but you are being super mega uber unreasonable here, you know what right?

Dirtydishesmakemesad · 06/12/2011 08:58

My mum died 2 weeks before my sisters 15th birthday, my dad still shopped, wrapped presents and laid them out in the living room for her to open in the morning just like they had done the previous 14 years. We had a cake and a nice meal. It must have been really hard for my dad, my mum died suddenly so all of a sudden in his early 40s he was raising children alone but when i think back that day was really the start of normality returning and important in its own really. YANBU to feel you dont want that but yabu to expect people to automatically know that.

KurriKurri · 06/12/2011 10:29

I'm so sorry you are coping with so much Dottygirl - it is very hard I do agree with others that perhaps you are obviously feeling very sensitive at the moment, and have perhaps misinterpreted your MIL and SIL's intentions which were probably coming from the right place.

I lost my dear Dad two weeks ago, - I have my birthday and Christmas coming up and like you I don't feel like celebrating in any way, but it goes on for others and I think you just have to get through it somehow, and not read too much into things. Your emotions are in such turmoil that it's easy for others to 'get it wrong'. But I completely understand where you are coming from.

Bless you and much love x

altinkum · 06/12/2011 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

norton84 · 06/12/2011 11:14

I really feel for you op. I know exactly how hard the 1st Christmas is after a bereavement. I lost my mum this year and my dad died many years previously.
I think I would be more uset if people didn't send a card even though I am really struggling to feel festive this year. I think it really depends on the the wording of the card too.
For me the worst was an anniversary card sent to us a few months after my mum's death from my Mother-in-Law signed mum! I know logically that she couldn't really sign it anything else but it was hard.
I also think that telling op that she is bvu is not on. Bereavement is so tough.

Tinselrella · 06/12/2011 11:42

I am so sorry you have lost your father and that your mother is so badly ill dottygirl. It must be a really hard time for you.

But I do think YABU and over sensitive, I'm sorry. I think it probably is a case of damned if they do and damned if they don't.

I lost my father last year and my husband this year. I would be horrified if I thought people held off sending me a Christmas card just in case they thought it might offend me. Actually, as well as horrified I would be very hurt too. One of the hardest things I have found during the last few months is people ignoring me - crossing the street to avoid me - lest they say something wrong. There is very little that anyone could say that would hurt me tbh (although one very close person did tell me, a couple of months after DH died that, 'this is your life now Rinders, you're just going to have to get used to it'. Which hurt me a lot).

This thread has kicked me into sending my own Christmas cards actually - so that people know that it's ok by me.

dotty, wishing you much peace and love at this time. I know it will be hard to see so many YABUs, but try not to be too hard on others - most people genuinely mean the best. Be kind to yourself too.

kerstina · 06/12/2011 12:12

My dear lovely Aunt had her funeral on christmas eve last year and I was undecided as to whether it would be right to send her immediate family cards.In the end I gave them hand made ones with a simple hand written message 'thinking of you this Christmas'. Hope they were not offended. Some people are thoughtless if they put jolly christmas greetings though so if they put that YANBU to feel a bit hurt.

imamummyandananny · 06/12/2011 14:43

Reading with interest...my best friends father died on Sunday, and am unsure whether to send card and if so what to put in it.

Toughasoldboots · 06/12/2011 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lexie1970 · 06/12/2011 15:05

We lost a relative a few months ago and her elder sister is really struggling with the thought of sending a Christmas card to BIL and niece but we just suggested that if everybody thought it not appropriate to send a card then Christmas would be bloody awful but just to choose something appropriate.

OP - I think you are being a little too sensitive but they probably did think about what would be appropriate before they picked the cards...

NoOnesGoingToEatYourMincePies · 06/12/2011 15:06

I've never heard of that tradition OP, and would probably send a card to someone in your situation. Have your MIL and SIL heard of the custom do you think?

Our daughter was born and died just before Christmas and we had lost our son to stillbirth just a few months earlier too. It's her birthday at the end of next week and our sons birthday six weeks later, with Christmas in-between. We really wanted that first Christmas to be as normal as possible but it was very hard and we had a few upsets. It's a bitter-sweet time now, we have our DS now and try hard to make it happy for him, but since that first Christmas following our losses it hasn't been the same for us.

I felt (and still feel) like everywhere I turned there were images of babies and songs and carols about babies (given that Christmas is to celebrate a birth) or someone was saying "Christmas is really for the kids isn't it?" or even "Cheer up, it's Christmas" to us.

It was hard, and I had a few 'overly-sensitive' moments of my own, but it's hard for people to know what to do for the best and I think if your MIL and SIL are usually good people and didn't know about the tradition then you were being a little harsh on them.

I think your card range sounds like a good idea. I really am sorry for your loss and sorry to hear that your mother is ailing too. Bereavement and illness at any time of year can make the coming Christmas a difficult and upsetting time. I really do think though that your MIL and SIL were intending the best with those cards. I doubt they really believe you will be enjoying Christmas as you have in previous years but perhaps they felt it would be more hurtful to exclude you from receiving a card from them.

Original poster

dottygirl1 · 06/12/2011 15:08

I think anyone would be happy and pleased with a "thinking of you card" or "peaceful"....anything that has a nice message. I am so happy to be thought of and greatly receive all phone calls, texts, letters, cards, emails etc etc. I just thought those two particular cards were full of festive cheer ( with one saying "best christmas ever") and not really appropriate. My MIL's mother passed last year and I did send MIL a card but I selected a nice, and what I thought "thoughful" card.

Yet again I want to point out that I wont hold anything against them or take my over-sensitive thoughts beyond Mumsnet!!

Thanks for all your opinions and very kind words

Dottygirl.

OP posts:

NoOnesGoingToEatYourMincePies · 06/12/2011 15:31

"Best Christmas Ever" would have upset me very much too. People really do have very different ideas about what is appropriate or sensitive don't they? The one thing that really bothered me was people trying to jolly us out of our grief and so that "best Christmas ever" would have upset me.

I do think a little more thought would have been a good idea from them, and I didn't think you were going to hold it against them.

I hope that you do have a gentle Christmas though Dottygirl.

norton84 · 06/12/2011 21:12

"Best Christmas ever" reminds me of what happened to me on Mother's Day this year. My mum passed away 2 weeks before and my ds asked me if this was my best Mother's day ever!
He was only 4 though.

FlangelinaBallerina · 06/12/2011 21:25

You poor thing OP. I can see why it might be a bit much to read cards wishing a happy Christmas, when you're suffering like this. Reading your later posts in the thread, it seems like you're able to just accept the good wishes and try to ignore the rest. I'm sure they didn't mean to be insensitive. Not sending cards isn't universal amongst Irish Catholics- DH is (Northern) Irish Catholic and has never heard of this. So it's obviously not a universal custom. I'd never heard of it either, and I'm from a British Catholic community with a strong Irish influence. With that in mind, I'm sure they just didn't know.

I wish your mother a peaceful passing, and you the strength to help her through it.

Mehetabel · 13/12/2011 09:40

Sorry to hear about the hard time you are having Dottygirl.

After losing my husband last year, my mother in law sent me a lovely card saying "thinking of you with love and sympathy at Christmas". I was googling to see if I could find one to send to my neighbour whose husband died last month when I found this thread.

I don't think they meant to upset you, but they could have been more sensitive and put a note in it about how xmas will be hard for you this year. Living through it, and getting cards last year wishing me a Merry Xmas when the worst thing that could ever happen to me had happened, did upset me, and has certainly made me more sensitive to other peoples feelings about cards, I will still send them but will definitely choose carefully what they say.

fluffytowels · 13/12/2011 09:47

Both of my parents died when I was young. My MIL died on 23rd December after being in a coma for a month.

That was a very very tough Christmas. People do things that they would normally do because they don't know what else to do. They are not being unkind or thoughtless, they probably agonised about whether to send it or not.

What would you have liked them to do instead? Nothing? Letter?

Personally, I hated people treating me differently or making a big deal of it, but sometimes people were thoughtless. They couldn't win basically.

You are going through a very hard time and you need to be kind to yourself. And if you're over sensitive, that's just fine.

Take care. x

fluffytowels · 13/12/2011 09:49

Actually, just read the 'best Christmas ever' bit.

Not much agonising then, just lack of thought. I would have ranted, put it in the bin and chalked it up to use later on 'most inappropriate condolence messages' thread later

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