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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt to get christmas card from MIL and SIL

86 replies

dottygirl1 · 05/12/2011 20:35

Maybe I am being sensitive.....My dad passed away in September, after a very short illness. My poor mother is now with palliative care and we are expecting the worst any day, again this is a relatively short illness. Just a few months ago they were both well. We are all distaught in my family. I was hurt and upset that my Sil and Mil sent us christmas cards.....it is a certainty that we are not going to have a festive christmas. My DH doesnt really see why I would be hurt so maybe it is just me. Mindyou my sister couldnt believe they sent them to me.

OP posts:

LoveInAColdClimate · 05/12/2011 20:54

Reality - sorry if I'm being thick but why did that bother you? I had a card from a couple of friends and thought it was nice!

canyou · 05/12/2011 20:57

I agree with ObiWanWithBellsOn we are Irish and have had two immediate family members die in the last 9 months so we will not be sending cards, we have received some cards already but it is not their custom, We are neither insulted or upset it is how it is. It is nice to know people are thinking of us

Original poster

dottygirl1 · 05/12/2011 20:59

I am Irish catholic as are they. And yes it is tradition that we dont send them the 1st christmas after bereavement. In saying that, I know there was no badness in what they did.......they are great in-laws. My head is all over the place and cry at most things.

OP posts:

t0lk13n · 05/12/2011 21:02

Take care Dotty...I always send my mum and dad a card...and found it really hard last night to write my mum a card without dad`s name on it :( welling up thinking about it as I write. XXX

TidyDancer · 05/12/2011 21:08

I'm very sorry you're in this position, OP. I lost my dad very recently, and I think sometimes people don't know what to do or say. Obviously because of what's happening with your mum, it's a double blow for you to deal with.

SIL and MIL are damned if they do, damned if they don't. And that's not a slight on you at all, but really, what else could they have done?

YABU, but you have my every sympathy in a difficult situation.

Wishing you well.

tyaca · 05/12/2011 21:10

so sorry to hear about your mum and dad. thoughts are with you and your mum and your closest. best wishes.

pranma · 05/12/2011 21:12

I am afraid yab just a bit u.Its difficult to know what to do-a card just shows that they are thinking of you.
So sorry for your double loss.

Bloodyhellthathurts · 05/12/2011 21:14

I'm really sorry to hear about your parents. I'm going through something very similar - my dad died less than a year ago and my mum only has a few weeks to live. It was my birthday last week and getting cards and messages saying 'happy birthday' felt ridiculous, as will cards saying merry Christmas. But it's just people saying that they care for you and are thinking of you. At least that's how I choose to see it?

Wishing you strength for the coming weeks.

exoticfruits · 05/12/2011 21:18

I am sorry about your loss but I would have said that they were simply thinking of you at Christmas. You don't like to miss people out and ignore them. I make sure that I send a sensitive card, so I would have one that said 'best wishes at Christmas' or similar and would avoid 'Happy Christmas', or worse, 'Merry Christmas'. I would make sure the picture was suitable and put in a little message saying 'thinking of you......etc. Therefore it depends on the card and the message.

MabelLucyAttwell · 05/12/2011 21:20

I lost my dear husband towards the end of last year. I sent no Christmas cards but received some (but not from all those who usually send to me). I felt that those who sent cards felt for me and could not ignore me but I also felt that those who had not sent cards also felt for me. How can anyone send a card that says 'Merry Christmas'. It could not possibly be a Merry Christmas. Most of what I received were Seasons Greetings or a simple nativity picture. I coped with it.

MMMarmite · 05/12/2011 21:24

Aaw dottygirl1 :( It sounds like they didn't mean any harm but I can see how it upset you.

The universe has been entirely unreasonable to you this year, and you have the right to feel however you feel: don't worry about reacting a bit 'unreasonably' sometimes.

RealityIsADistantMemory · 05/12/2011 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chinam · 05/12/2011 21:25

I'm so sorry for your loss and also what you are going through with your mother. I too wondered if you were Irish Catholic. My MIL would go nuts if another Irish Catholic sent her a card in a year where she had suffered a berevement. At least you know that your inlaws only meant well when they sent you the cards. Let it go if you can.

Rikalaily · 05/12/2011 21:32

I think you are being a little over sensitive.

One of my younger sisters passed away 2 days before Christmas last year, we still celebrated as usual, we had to keep things normal for the kids. You have to understand that life doesn't stand still when someone passes away, and you can't expect people to be as affected as you are by your situation. They are celebrating Christmas just as they always do, they might have thought you would be offended if they missed your out of thier Christmas.

My thoughts are with you at this difficult time x

exoticfruits · 05/12/2011 21:34

When I was widowed the first Christmas was very difficult, but it would have been more difficult without cards.

BustersOfDoom · 05/12/2011 21:40

I have no Irish Catholic relatives, hence I am not aware of the no cards within a year rule. However I did send a Christmas card last year to my Great Uncle aged 88 who had been widowed 8 months before just to let him know that we were thinking of him and were wishing him the best. Just because I think the world of him and he is my much missed GF's much loved baby DB, the only surviving sibling. I'd always sent him and his wife a Christmas card before and thought it important to do the same, if not more so, after he was on his own. It would seem heartless to ignore him just because his lovely wife had passed away. We care about him and want him to know that. I will be doing the same this year.

MabelLucyAttwell · 05/12/2011 21:40

Exxotic Fruits

Yes, you are right. You said it better than I did in my previous post.

LoveInAColdClimate · 05/12/2011 21:43

Thanks, Reality. My pregnancy insanity has just taken different forms, I think.

Original poster

dottygirl1 · 05/12/2011 21:45

I do know they were thinking of me/us and it was sent for the right reasons. Think it was just the festive/happiness of it all. Maybe I have found a gap in the market......you will see me on Dragons Den with my "thinking of you this christmas, after your recent bereavment"!!! Cant believe I am actually smiling now:)

OP posts:

GColdtimer · 05/12/2011 21:52

When my best friend lost her dh at this time of year she got quite a few very jolly Christmas cards saying "have a great Christmas! ". They offended her abd she put them in the bin She also got a lot of sedate cards saying "thinking of you at this really difficult time". She appreciated them. So I think it depends on what they said. If they were very jolly them I think they were a bit thoughtless tbh. But if they put a personal note in then I think that us fine.

So sorry you are going through this.

Sariah · 05/12/2011 21:57

Shite I sent my mother and all her family cards last year after my Granny died and they are all Roman Catholics, I never looked to see what the cards said either.

Greenshadow · 05/12/2011 22:17

Agree with most the other posters - would seem very strange to me NOT to send a card.

My DM died this day 16 years ago and in no way was Christmas cancelled or even toned down. Life went on and I would have been very puzzled if close friends and family suddenly didn't send us a card - in fact would probably have been rather hurt.

Marymaryalittlecontrary · 05/12/2011 22:44

You're being over sensitive, but understandably so. I know my head was all over the place when my dad died (in fact I think I went a little mad the day after I watched him die as I walked to town a good couple of miles away and had my hair cut!). The first Christmas after he died one of my mum's friends sent her a card that said, as a handwritten note inside, 'I hope you have the best Christmas ever!' Which we thought was a bit insensitive!

Floggingmolly · 05/12/2011 22:48

No cards for the first Christmas after a bereavement is not a roman catholic tradition.

ReshapeWhileDamp · 05/12/2011 22:50

I wouldn't think of not sending a recently bereaved friend or family member a card at Christmas, for fear of 'offending' them or because it seemed inappropriate. The idea that some people are more or less ignored by their friends at difficult times like these because their friends are scared to do something 'inappropriate' makes me want to cry.

You have the choice to tone down your Christmas, or not celebrate at all, but at least your family are thinking of you and wanting you to know it. Am really very sorry about your parents.

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