Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To tell my DH that I've had a crap day

79 replies

Womblychic · 02/12/2011 17:00

I stay at home with our two boys age 3 and 2. They are 18 months apart and insanely jealous of each other. They both play up all day long to get my attention: fighting over toys, food, well everything. It is exhausting and I am so bored and fed up of being with them. When DH gets home and asks about my day he wants to only hear positive things. If I dare tell him the truth he gets angry and picks a fight with me. If I can't moan to DH about his own children, who can I vent my frustration on? Please tell me if I am being unreasonable, or offer other suggestions on how to make life fun again. Thanks

OP posts:

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 02/12/2011 17:06

I have DCs a similar age to yours and my DH doesn't like it if the first thing I say to him as he crosses the threshold is "I've had a horrible day". So I try not to do it. Instead I will wait until the kids are in bed and we'll talk about what we've been up to then and that can include the bad bits as well as the good. It's hard being at home with two little ones especially if they fight but I'm sure there's lots of cute stuff too. Tell him a funny stories and then say mind you they were also doing x. Your DH probably wants to hear about what the children do each and that's more than just the bad stuff that sometimes stands out!

AgentZigzag · 02/12/2011 17:08

Maybe you could try to talk to him about how your DSs have been at a different time in the day?

Saying 'how's your day' is a greeting and I suppose just a quick connection, but if you're really feeling down about how staying at home with two very young children, what about trying to sit down and have a 'proper' conversation about it?

If you told him beforehand you'd like to clear the path to talk after the boys were in bed or something, get some specific things you'd like to resolve sorted in your head, and try to find a solution to each one, it might be better than just a general 'AAARRRGGGHHHHH'

Just take it a couple of things at a time so it's not too overwhelming but you can realisitically get support and ideas from him.

AgentZigzag · 02/12/2011 17:12

It could be that he'd much rather be at home instead of going out to work and thinks you're lucky (and I don't mean he thinks you've got a cushty job ) so when he hears about the horrors that can lurk in being at home all day, the grass is greener to him.

Original poster

Womblychic · 02/12/2011 17:12

I started trying to keep a written note of the cute things they do and say, but it's still not enough.

The problem is that he gets home right after I've cooked dinner, bathed and got the kids ready for bed. By that time I'm so exhausted I only have negative thoughts.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 02/12/2011 17:15

If you've had a horrible day - and frankly your day sounds quite quite horrible - I really don't see why you should have to give him edited highlights. Tell him. You sound miserable. I would be very miserable in your situation. Can I ask if finding work outside the home (and obviously I realise there is not much of it around at the moment) might be an option, since your current situation is clearly making you so unhappy? Is your three year old getting to nursery?

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 02/12/2011 17:17

Oh yeah that is the worst time of day. What time does your DH get home / the kids go to bed? Mind gets here about 6.45 and I have the DCs fed but not ready for bed so we put them to bed together for about 7.30/45. That means he's gets a bit of time with them and the whole onus is not on me to do the bedtime routine. It's exhausting on your own. Would that work for you? It does mean dinner can be rather late unless you've kept something warm from the kids' tea.

MarieFromStMoritz · 02/12/2011 17:18

You need to put the kids to bed, then sit down with your DH and have a nice glass of wine.

FlamingoBingo · 02/12/2011 17:18

I think he sounds very unsupportive and unkind, frankly. Tell him to have a go looking after the kids full time for a bit and then he can complain at you if you say you've had a bad day!

Thank goodness my DH isn't like this! FFS! Sorry to be ranty, but you spend all day worrying about the emotional well-being of your kids, you bloody shouldn't have to worry about that of your husband as well - a grown man! You are entitled to a bit of TLC when you've spent all day long giving, IMO.

DoingMyVeryBest · 02/12/2011 17:19

Oh, you sound tired. I know the feeling!

As a longer term idea, with regard to your DCs jealousy and bickering...have you tried sending them to their rooms (or seperate rooms, if they share a bedroom) for some special time to play with their own choice of toys for a while each day?

It will get them away from annoying each other (and you) all the time, and if you take 5 minures alone with each of them to read a story they may not feel the need to fight for your attention.

You can make it a lovely time for them, with a cd on or something - and it will be a lovely time for you to sit down for a quiet cuppa on your own too.

Mine have always done this and will enjoy it happily for an hour or so. It's taught them to play independantly and they always play better in the afternoon after some down time and some time apart.

It might be worth a try for you, than you will hopefully not have so many bad days.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 02/12/2011 17:24

Think Doing's idea sounds great if they'll do it. Or have TV / DVDs for a bit in the middle of the day so they've had some relaxation time.

Also do you get any time to yourself in the week. Perhaps look into getting the children into pre-school. Most will take from 2.5 yrs and you probably know you get 15 free hours a week for over 3s. Or if you have grandparents near by ask them to have the children a couple of times a week. They'd probably enjoy the bonding time and you'd get a break. Or do something for yourself in the evening while DH stays home.

SunRaysthruClouds · 02/12/2011 17:25

OP Its more a matter of you both recognising that the other one is tired at the end of the day and launching into all the problems of the day as soon as he walks through the door may not be what he wants to hear. In the same way you probably don't want to hear all his problems.

I find that nice greeting, no discussion, followed by food then problems can be discussed a bit later works better. I think the food boosts the blood sugar to a level that makes it ok to hear about someone elses crap day.

FlamingoBingo · 02/12/2011 17:28

SunRay - you don't have to launch into all the problems, though, do you? Why must she be careful with how she words things when she's exhausted? He's a grown man, surely he can cope with 'I've had a crap day'!

chrimblycompo · 02/12/2011 17:28

is there any chance you could go to work for a bit to help with the monotomoy? or could you afford to put them in nursery a couple of mornings

maybe a wekeend away with the girls leaving him to it will show him how hard it is

did you ever see the show Mums On Strike?!!

motherinferior · 02/12/2011 17:28

I think he should work on getting home earlier. And at the very least listen to you. You're not cooking his supper too, are you?

chrimblycompo · 02/12/2011 17:35

motherinferior is wise, listen to her, she knows about swimming through custard which is what life with 2 youg children feels like

HappyCamel · 02/12/2011 17:35

Can the kids go to bed later? My DH doesn't get home til 1930 so we all eat after 8pm. DD has a bath and goes to bed about 2200 and doesn't get up til 0900. That's fine cos I'm at home so we rarely need to be up early.

It means we all eat together and DH and I take it in turns to do bath and bed time. Until she starts school I'll keep her going to bed late and getting up late. It must be really hard for your DH to barely see his sons then just hear you moan about them and it means you are effectively single parenting.

motherinferior · 02/12/2011 17:37

Oh god yes, CC. Uphill through custard.

tasmaniandevilchaser · 02/12/2011 17:38

hi, if one child is 3, don't you get 15 free hours a week in a nursery? It does sound hard, I wouldn't be able to cope with two young toddlers all day on my own, it's relentless. There are some good suggestions upthread, look after yourself.

SunRaysthruClouds · 02/12/2011 17:39

Flamingo - it works both ways. So if he immediately launched into what a shit day he has had would that be ok for the OP?

I am suggesting finding the right moment is a better way.

Original poster

Womblychic · 02/12/2011 17:39

I would be keen to go back to work but strange as it sounds, I'm not sure that we could afford it. DS1 is in nursery 3 hours a day. Do working mums then hire nannies to pick up their children and look after them for the rest of the day? I don't understand how it works.

I've tried TV and the younger one gets bored and just pulls the plug out of the wall. If I read a book to one, the other tries to snatch it out of my hand.

I occassionally have an evening out but often find I haven't got much energy or enthusiasm for it.

I'm just sick to death of having to put a brave face on it. Only two of my closest friends know what I'm going through. Everyone else just thinks I'm lucky to have two wonderful kids.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 02/12/2011 17:41

You would need either a childminder or a private nursery.

Take the brave face off. It isn't doing you any good. And it might make your DH feel better, but that isn't the point.

AgentZigzag · 02/12/2011 17:42

I know what you're saying Flamingo, but realistically, when you're trying to maintain a happy relationship, you do have to manage it to some extent.

Not that you can't say how you feel, but rather you pick your time and words to be most 'productive' with the least stress.

It's got nothing to do with him being a grown man not able to take hard reality.

Original poster

Womblychic · 02/12/2011 17:42

And yes, I cook a family meal.

Thanks for your suggestions, I will try and hold back a little.

I would love to hear about his day, good or bad, he just never offers any details unless really pushed.

OP posts:

homeaway · 02/12/2011 17:44

Try and get out of the house more so that they are not cooped up and they might fight less . I used to find that one thing they could all enjoy in the playpark and I would try and get out even it was raining. As dh to be home at least one night a week to put them to bed for you and you have a bath or something you want to do. You need to find something for yourself to do so that you have an identity other than wife and mummy.

fothergill · 02/12/2011 17:44

Do you get out of the house? Make sure you do things regularly that take the focus off you being the entertainment. And if you are in, put some structure into your week ie baking, craft etc just make sure you have planned activities to deploy at home rather than winging it.
He is probably not enjoying his weekends either and wants to think that you at least are enjoying it! Its a hard age and it will get easier. Until 3.

Flip

1 2 3 4