To tell my DH that I've had a crap day

[Womblychic]

I stay at home with our two boys age 3 and 2. They are 18 months apart and insanely jealous of each other. They both play up all day long to get my attention: fighting over toys, food, well everything. It is exhausting and I am so bored and fed up of being with them. When DH gets home and asks about my day he wants to only hear positive things. If I dare tell him the truth he gets angry and picks a fight with me. If I can't moan to DH about his own children, who can I vent my frustration on? Please tell me if I am being unreasonable, or offer other suggestions on how to make life fun again. Thanks

in the words of sarah beeny (sorry but it's true!) "small boys are like dogs, they need to run every day".try taking the boys out for really hyper physical activity a bit more often? exercise=endorphines= :)

try to take up an exercise class one evening a week i recommend kickboxing as a perfect way of getting stress out. or a DVD works too. or go for a run. the pain will take your mind off your stress.
i also do small craft projects, i know it sounds lame but having a knitting project on the go helps me to avoid feeling down because i can look at it and see that i have achieved something OTHER than just getting through the day as a mum.
really sorry you are feeling rubbish

oh also, dont give them a bath every night. we do it once a week. i've never understood why ppl do it every day just seems like an incredibly stressful faff.

FFS. The OP doesn't want her Dh to do the bloody man thing of offering 'solutions' to her problems. Because there aren't any except TIME, and her dc getting a bit older.

FUCK the OP being some Stepford wife being all 'light and pleasant' to her DH when she feels like shit on a shitty stick. It is her DH's JOB to listen to her, to give her emotional support. All the conversation the OP will have had most days is with toddlers FFS. She doesn't need 'solutions', she NEEDS her DH to offer her a sympathetic ear.

And if he can't give her that - then he's a bloody IDIOT.

OP - It DOES get better. My boys are now 9.7yo and 8yo. I don't know they're here most of the time, they are either playing Monopoly together or playing a 2-player computer game together, or shooting aliens (Ben10).

I think it got a LOT better once the older boy (DS1) started FT school. I look back now, and OMG I was such a mess! having one 2yo and one 3yo IS the hardest bit. I PROMISE you that in another 18 months, it will all be soooo much calmer.

think how you would feel if the minute he got home from work he started moaning, whinging and whining

that would be tedious and exhausting and extremely boring for anyone

if you are bored do something about it fgs

The expectations in your post of what's involved in a relationship Hunty, don't always measure up in real life.

I know if DH was going on about how bad his day was all the time as soon as he stepped through the door, then I'd probably not look forward to it.

Even someone 'going on' when it's not directed at you, sometimes feels as though it is.

I can't understand why you don't think her DH has a right to an opinion on how he feels.

And what AA said.

Oh dear, 18mo apart is hard work. Have you got the ££ to get them out of the house to soft play/swimming/park etc?

As regards charming your partner when he gets in ... Today I brought DS (14mo) over to the window to watch for DH coming home. Cute, yeah?
As he was standing there, I noticed that not only had he pooped massively (DS that is!), but his nappy had leaked and we'd dropped a trail of poo nuggets all the way to the window. So poor DH got in and was greeted with 'Oh my god, there's poo everywhere! DON'T TOUCH HIM! Don't stand in it! Get me a clean vest! Aaaaaaagh!' Very relaxing. But that's the SAHM world for you. Sigh.

It's true about DH wanting to fix things. He says he feels helpless that he can't do more to make my life easier. As another poster mentioned, he also gets upset about hearing negative things when he hasn't seen the kids all day.

My gripe is that he NEVER wants to hear negative things. When my friends describe the way they nag at their DHs I wonder how long they will get away with it.

DH has already walked out on me three times.

Anyway, with the amount of encouragement I've received on here, I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but I definitely do need to try harder to help myself have less to moan about.

"DH has already walked out on me three times. "

Ouch. That doesn't sound terribly supportive... How does he get on when he looks after the kids solo? Or does that not happen so much?

My DH is a solver too. If I need a vent, I just spell it out to him - "Look, it's not you, I don't want you to do anything other than say there there and make me a cup of tea, but I have had a crap day and I need to vent about it. Ok?" It stops him from feeling burdened with feeling like he hasto sort out my issues and lets me get things off my chest and let him know what my problems are.
Similarly, if he has had a bad day, he will say "It's not you, but I have had a crap day and I am going to go and play guitar/go on the computer/kick a ball with DS for an hour." Which stops me going "Are you ok? Can I do anything? Are you sure? Do you want to talk about it?" as is my usual tendency.
Nothing wrong with spelling it out, if you need a vent. Would this work?

Walking out on you doesn't sound good. But what you say about him feeling helpless to make your life easier also sounds like you have been able to talk about things a bit and that he would like to be supportive.

It's a really difficult stage of family life - 2yo & 3yo, plus you have moving on top of that. To an extent, you can't get rid of the fact that kids that age are really hard, relentless work. It DOES pass, but you will have to get through this winter. Things go in phases - you might have a couple of months until things hit a better patch - or it could take a year or two. That's going to feel a long time to get through, but in terms of a lifetime or a childhood it's actually shortish and it will eventually fade in to memory.

Actually one thing I learnt from DS1's school - but which might work earlier - is to very explicitly talk about values and behaviour expectations with the children. They might be keener to 'do the right thing' if there is an explicit, simple set of rules. And even if not, I've found that having a simple list of things that I can point to that are being done well/badly helps me to both give good praise and also to keep a bit more calm & rational when things are difficult. DS2's nursery has a set of 'golden rules' - things like 'we share our toys', 'we use indoor voices', 'we listen when the ladies ask us to help'. DS1's school has a more values driven set - eg Our Values Are Love, Endeavour, Respect...etc I have adopted the school list and stuck it on the wall at home (plus added one for my own purposes). I point out the list frequently and try and pick up when I can see them demonstrating this stuff successfully, maybe give them a sticker on tummy in reward etc. Sounds rather bureaucratic written down, but I'd observe that kids (and me) like the structure, repetition & clarity of this.

Lots of people say to try and have regular 'date night' or similar with DH. We do this now that kids are a bit bigger. At 2 & 3 yo it was unrealistic for us - babysitting v expensive and DS2 was an appalling sleeper so difficult to leave with someone else and I was often too tired to enjoy going out. But we used to try and do an at-home 'date' evening (glass of wine & DVD, no housework/evening jobs) every few days. Maybe generating a bank of 'nice evenings' with DH would free up a bit more emotional capacity for moans/rants on other evenings?

Sorry this so long. Hope it doesn't sound like I have all the answers - I definitely don't - but just know that this was such a hard stage and now that we are starting to move past it I really feel for people who are still there.

Are you able to get out and about during the day to mums and tots, library, park etc. I agree your day ending and your DH getting home are coinciding at a a terrible time. When your DS1 is at nursery can you take the other one for a coffee or something?

OP, is there a reason they are not at playgroup?

My boys went to playgroup when they were 2.5. And it was a life saver.

I think you get 15 hours a week (3 precious hours a day!) free. FREE

And it's great for them. And you get a break.

Is there any reason this is not an option (you not in UK maybe?)

I can see both sides TBH. When my DCs were your age I was at home a lot with them, and found it very stressful. Swimming uphill through custard pretty much sums it up. Now I work and DH is at home. When I get home I find it very hard to hear unremittingly negative things about my children - no-one likes hearing their children badmouthed, even if it is by their partners (and justified!). I also feel I've missed out on them during the day, and that DH hasn't appreciated their company (in reality I might not have either if I'd been there- but you're not always rational!). It's also quite hard to come back to a torrent of negative stuff as soon as I walk in the door - I find it overwhelming. I don't think (or hope!) that anyone's saying you need to pretend everything's fine, but how and when you approach the issue may improve his response. Also men like to try and help "sort" things - maybe couch it more in terms of does he have any ideas of how it can be made easier, rather than just ranting (may be more constructive for you both anyway).

I think you should be able to ven tif you feel like it and not have to act like a 1950s wife who 'waits til he's eaten and sat down'.

I work FT. The minute I walk through the door at 6pm I take over everthing from dh and always have - bath, books etc etc.

If my dh is in a grump after an hour of fighting etc, I shut him in his office or the bedroom and tell him to stay out of our way as it's best for all!

I don't take the view that 'I've been out at work all day and don't expect moaning when I come home'!! We both have busy days in different ways.

vent if

Yes but what about the other way round? Is it the same view when the woman is the full time worker? I don't think so.

I don't expect to have a foot rub and a G&T the minute I get home. I actually want to get stuck in with the dc, not tell dh or anyone else about my day or have a shower.

Haven't read the whole thread but to me it sounds like you just need your husband to say "Yes I understand that you have a difficult time at home with the boys. I understand and know that they can be very tricky. You are doing a great job."

Just some sort of acknowledgement. Then you may not need to keep telling him because you will know that he both knows and cares.

I hope people have given you ideas and that it has helped you that other people empathise with your drudge days. Good luck with it all.

Yes you're right about trying to give yourself less to moan about OP, and all the posters are right about this being the hardest stage and you needing to get out of the house to stuff every day. I used to walk up the canal with mine and feed the ducks and on particularly grim days I remember going to the cemetery to look at the graves! (One in a pushchair and the other never climbed on them, he used to look at the letters and numbers on the stones!)

I think there's a real difference between saying someone needs to unwind with a G and T and have their feet rubbed while being served a gormet meal, and they may not want to be hit with a huge wave of negativity as soon as they step thought the door on a daily basis. I think it's perfectly right and fair that the partner who's been at work should muck in as soon as they get home (and take over if it's been a very tough day) but really don't think this is the best time to get a supportive and toughtful response from a partner.
Also everyone is poo-pooing the idea that men want to suggest how to make things better. Maybe there are feasible ways to make the OPs life better (I know there were when I was in this situation), or manage the difficulties differently, and when you're in the zone you're often not the best person to see it.

yanbu to want to vent about your day. When I was at home with 2 young boys my dh would come home and muck in. He'd moan about his day, I'd say take this child before I sell him on ebay and have a moan. We'd also chat about the funny things. We'd get it all over and done with them relax.

Now I work full time we both get in, get the jobs done and vent about our day.

Why do posters keep saying '2boys'?

The ages of OP's children are hard - boys or girls.

I think this is strange if I have a crap day its the first thing I say to DH as he gets though the dooe or he I text him and tell him it as it happens. then he usually says aww poor baby never mind and tehn listens to me witter on and hugs me. Thats what husbands are for!