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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my DH that I've had a crap day

79 replies

Womblychic · 02/12/2011 17:00

I stay at home with our two boys age 3 and 2. They are 18 months apart and insanely jealous of each other. They both play up all day long to get my attention: fighting over toys, food, well everything. It is exhausting and I am so bored and fed up of being with them. When DH gets home and asks about my day he wants to only hear positive things. If I dare tell him the truth he gets angry and picks a fight with me. If I can't moan to DH about his own children, who can I vent my frustration on? Please tell me if I am being unreasonable, or offer other suggestions on how to make life fun again. Thanks

OP posts:

motherinferior · 02/12/2011 17:46

So does he listen to you at all about how you are feeling?

motherinferior · 02/12/2011 17:47

It doesn't sound like the OP is happy, AgentZigZag. Her partner might be, but she sure as hell isn't, and keeping him sweet is making her feel worse.

moondog · 02/12/2011 17:48

Deary me.
MN saved my life when I was in a similar situation but in a very isolated part of Turkey in an incredibly snowy winter with no family or friends and a dh working 12 hour days (oh and studying for an MSc in his spare time)

What helps?

Exercise. Swimming and walking-for all of you
Getting out of the house at least once a day
A routine
A break
Swapping house visits with friends

motherinferior · 02/12/2011 17:50

Yes, getting out and exercise v important.

amicissima · 02/12/2011 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotMostPeople · 02/12/2011 17:51

God he's lucky he's not married to me, my three are at school all day I'm a SAHM and my dh works exceptionally long hours often away from home. Yesterday dh came home to hear me moaning about how fed up I am and how it's soooo groundhog day. I know lots of people would give their eye teeth to,have ,y life and DH's job is high on stress. Btw he gave me a huge hug and told me I was doing a great job and it was completely understandable to get fed up - no 'well I work'. I honestly think you should get I'll and leave him to be mum for a few days.

moondog · 02/12/2011 17:52

When my kids were small my standbys were trips to the swimming pool or long baths (for them) while I sat on the loo and read, exhausted.

AgentZigzag · 02/12/2011 17:52

Motherinferior, I'm not talking about keeping him sweet by warming his slippers beside the fire/mopping his work feverd brow, but listing the shit that's happened when he comes through the door isn't as constructive as sitting down and discussing what she can do about it.

If the OP wants support then she should say what the problem is and they can talk about solutions.

It's a two way street and both should be considerate.

BluddyMoFo · 02/12/2011 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PontyMython · 02/12/2011 17:54

I always tell DH if I've had a crap day (and vice versa - he's the SAHP now), I can't imagine feeling that I couldn't or shouldn't. That would be really sad.

I don't need to launch into the details, but at least we know if the other is feeling fragile, and we can talk later.

Laquitar · 02/12/2011 17:57

This phase (one 3yo and one 2yo) is the hardest ime and the bickering is very tiring. So anything that makes your life easier it is fine for while i.e. dvd for dcs in the evening, very simple meal etc.

I was doing what HappyCamel said and it was working very well for all of us, incl dh. Honestly give it a try.

AgentZigzag · 02/12/2011 17:57

'I don't need to launch into the details, but at least we know if the other is feeling fragile, and we can talk later.'

You've said what I was (unsuccessfully) trying to say Ponty

It's an indicator.

WhoopsyLa · 02/12/2011 18:00

Does he moan immediately he arrives home? If he does then YANBU....if not then YABU. Nobody likes a moaner!

chrimblycompo · 02/12/2011 18:05

MI of course uphill how could I have forgotten that important word good luck op, some great advice all this thread

Original poster

Womblychic · 02/12/2011 18:09

Thanks for all your advice.

We've recently moved house so I don't really have any friends in this area yet. I don't suppose that's helping the situation.

DH tells me he hates coming home because he's scared of what I'm going to say. However, I don't just launch into a rant. If he asks me "how is DS1" or "DS2", I tell him the factual truth.

Yes, I need to get out more. Yes, I should probably make more of an effort to look for part time/voluntary work. But all I'm asking for is a little understanding and TLC from my DH.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 02/12/2011 18:31

Have you specifically asked him to be a bit more generous with the TLC Wombly?

SmethwickBelle · 02/12/2011 18:43

YANBU, I don't see why you should have to restrain yourself for the entire day just because he'd like to think you are Mary Poppins.

It is astonishingly tough with two under four, like running a marathon every day. My two are 4 and 2 and they sometimes play nicely but mostly spend a lot of time shrieking, grabbing, shoving and generally being horrible. Thank god DS1 is a summer baby so started school this year. This helped enormously.

Can you use a local preschool for the older child? Anything to reduce the workload down to one child for a period of time in the week.

You have my utter sympathy. I'd suggest you don't tell him anything if he asks because he doesn't really want to know.

When DS2 was a newborn DH and me sort of agreed to stop asking how each other was feeling because it ALWAYS ended up in a competitive row about who was more tired. Actually we agreed on a two word "code" "tolerable" if we felt tolerable and "radiant" if we felt bloody awful. The weak joke occasionally raised a smile.

It will get better, I felt I was meeting needs for the first four years of DS's life but lately he's so interesting and helpful and lovely I'm like "Ah so THIS is why we bother having children...."

Sorry for the ramble. Hang in there.

OldMumsy · 02/12/2011 18:45

Sounds like a rotten partner if he can't allow you to have a moan. Tell him to buck his ideas up, dealing with small kids at home is no picnic. Working is far easier, have done both.

fothergill · 02/12/2011 19:33

moving is a massive mental upheaval - can make life feel quite stark until it gets to feel like home. For what it's worth, life can feel uphill with kids at those ages for both of you. I know I am going against the grain but sounds like he is down/beleagured and can't handle you being too - but then (rightly) you feel unsupported and a vicious circle starts.

Why don't you start a conversation that allows him to join in ''it's hard at moment isn't it?' kind of thing. I'm not saying you need to be mary poppins but it might just be the wrong time to be downbeat.

brawhen · 02/12/2011 20:04

Just an idea (to help with the day, not the husband issue!) - when mine were 2 & 3 I started taking them swimming and that was a real winner. In last year's bad winter we sometimes went nearly every day. We are fortunate in that there is a gym locally where we could afford membership (about £40/month for me - but kids free) - and crucially (a) pool very quiet in the daytime and (b) they were happy for one adult to two pre-schoolers ratio (local public pools don't allow this). By the time you have got ready, gone to pool, taken toddler-pace walk through very interesting foyer to change room, said hello to various old ladies, been in pool, had very exciting post-swim snack pot etc etc it can take up half a day - and exhausted them for a good nap afterwards. And the routine of it was appreciated by kids.

Is there something that you could start doing as a regular, time-consuming, energy-burning activity that gets you all out of the house a bit? If not swimming (appreciate this costs), maybe a walk through back-streets to the library? Walk to supermarket to sit in all the 20p ride-ons (don't whatever you do let them learn about the 20p aspect of them!) and then choose a snack to buy and sit on bench on way home to watch the cars go by. (I do both of those high-class outings...)

Day-long childcare is REALLY hard going.

brawhen · 02/12/2011 20:09

On the husband issue - a major difference between DH and me (that has often caused issues even pre-DC) is that he HATES to be asked how his day was as he comes through the door. He says it sounds naggy. I, however, hate it if he DOESN'T ask me anything about my day - I think it's a minimum courtesy and would expect him to be interested in my day, as I am in his. We have agreed to differ.

naturalbaby · 02/12/2011 20:11

i'm exactly, exactly the same except i have a 10month old clingy, screaming baby as well

i complain via text and email to dh all day long then let it all out the second he steps through the door. he's also said he dreads coming home because he doesn't know what he will be walking into

am doing all the suggestions - excercise, routine, getting out the house at least once every single day etc but just a couple of evenings talking properly has made me feel like a new woman. i've still been complaining all day though! i just need to let it out and talk but who else can i burden my petty complaints on about the constant poo nappies and baby who won't sleep then gets overtired. i'm so bored of it and i know nobody else wants to hear it.

Original poster

Womblychic · 02/12/2011 20:35

Brawhen - the kids love the 20p ride ons, except they will always want to be in the same one and literally push each other out of the side when they feel it's their turn in the driving seat. Oh and where I live they cost £1!

There are lots of great suggestions on here. Thanks for replying.

All you MNers are lovely!

OP posts:

brawhen · 02/12/2011 20:45

Mine have never actually had any money put in the ride-ons (evil mother) - is it to late for that?! They get to take it in turns sitting in while I count slowly to ten for each go...

Now DS1 is at school, DS2 gets all the ride-on time and is 100% delighted!

amicissima · 02/12/2011 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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