To expect you all to help me with my Christmas dilemma?

[SirCliffRichardSucksEggsInHell]

Cause my other thread only got one post!

Here goes: every Boxing Day I go to my sister's and stay over. This year she is working for half a day so we'd usually go round at 4pm and be fed at around 8/9pm.

However our friends are planning a big Boxing Day night out, including one friend we haven't seen for 6 months as he's living in Moscow and is only back for a few days. Some of them are playing in a gig and it promises to be a great night out. I really want to go, especially as we are spending Christmas Day at his mum and dads which is usually dull and I end up spending most of the day helping his mum put food out, tidy food away, load up dishwasher etc. We haven't had a great time recently and I really feel the need to have a nice time.

However my sister's MIL died a few months ago. They are not looking forward to Christmas and she's already told me how much of a difference it would make in having us there and how she's already planned the menu

What can I do?

Sister everytime

Invite her out? Or does she have a family?

Go for afternoon then late drinks with friends?

Ignore the family comment, I see MIL, doh. You have arranged to go, so you should go. Join for late drinks if poss.

Sister.

Yes, you miss a good night out, but if you were having a dreadful year wouldn't you want to be able to depend on your family? Especially at a family/emotional time like Christmas?

Sister trumps friend.

They are happening in two different areas 30 miles apart.

Sister is working until around just after lunch I think and we never get fed until after 8pm. So it would be far too late to drive 30 miles to go on night out.

I can't do both, it's either one or the other.

She wouldn't come with us, she wouldn't leave kids on their own.

I just really really want to see all our friends again. We live 200 miles away and hardly ever get any nights out. This is the big night out, our friends won't want to have 2 pissed up nights in a row so this is our only chance to meet up with some friends we won't have seen since last Christmas.

Whereas I always spend Boxing Day with my sis, if her MIL hadn't died I might be able to get away with a change of plan, but even then she'd be offended. There is only myself and my brother who talk to her and who make the effort to visit over Chrimbo. Oh why does it have to be so bloody hard!

I would go to your sister's. Could you maybe make some of the food yourself so you could all eat earlier and then all go out?

You can see SIL any time, re-arrange for another day and do the thing you can't do any time.

X-post - I would still say sister

Damn it, I knew you'd say sister!

These are REALLY good friends though and it's not like we see them often. It'd be sooooo good to have a catch-up with everyone

She is your sister...don't be so selfish and step up to the plate and help make her Christmas less awful.

Does the visit to your sister have to be on Boxing Day? Isn't there an extra Bank Holiday this year because of Christmas Day being on a Sunday?

Squitten, they don't go out. He takes hours over the cooking, there is usually a tense atmosphere, the kids all eat separately and we just sit on the settee feeling bored.

We've tried persuading them to go out before, but ended up just the two of us sat in the pub feeling guilty about leaving them.

Given that Christmas Day is on a Sunday this year the day after Boxing Day is a bank holiday, isn't it? Can't you suggest to your sister you do something on the Boxing Day Bank Holiday - ie the 27th and go out with your friends on Boxing Day.

You seem to want to go out with your friends, but feel obliged to go to your sister. I'd try, if I were you, to find a way to do what I wanted but to arrange something else with my sis.

coraltoes - I know that and to be fair, I have offered loads of support and always been there for her. But Boxing Day at hers every year is dull. We wait hours to be fed, her dh gets pissed and falls asleep and we just sit on the settee whilst they have tense words in the kitchen. They have 4 kids altogether, two of them late teens plus our two which makes for a cramped house.

You are insistent you want to go out with your mates. Well tell your sister what you are doing and go out with them. Don't expect your sister to jump and down with delight. She obviously welcomes your company. But the reality is to do what you want to do - someone is going to be grumpy either your sister or you.

I think existing plans take precedence.

Or invite your sister over during Christmas to yours. She might welcome a break from being in the kitchen with tense words.

She's already given me the speel about how much they are looking forward to us going though and have planned the menu.
The day after Boxing Day won't be the same for them, I know. Plus she could be working.

They don't really do compromises.

I'd usually be in favour of keeping to the original plan but the whole thing sounds grim. I'd be tempted to make this year the year that you put an end to the get-together on Boxing Day tradition.

pancakeflipper, we are driving 200 miles on Christmas Day to spend it with his mum, dad and 6 other brothers and sisters plus their partners and kids so there is no way we could invite her over to ours.

After a day like that I'd really like to see my friends and go out for the night. But I know she would be mortally offended at the suggestion and would end up all hurt and rejection, which I feel is unfair as we do make the effort to visit every single year. We also visit at other times of the year and so far have stayed with her many more times than she has come to see us.

I don't relish staying with them, in fact I really would rather not, but she is my sister. However for some reason I just feel narked this year and want to put my foot down. Yet I risk some major upset by doing so.

I didn't say invite them on Christmas Day - just during Christmas. What about New Year?

Seems no one actually enjoys this Boxing Day gathering so time to change it.

THEY enjoy Boxing Day. Well, as much as is possible for them to. They'd rather have us round than be sat on their own that's for sure.

We've already committed to visiting other friends at New Year - another obligation as she's been ill and is having various tests done so I said we'd spend New Year with them. That's the trouble, I always end up pleasing other people and I never get to actually enjoy Christmas. Now I want to enjoy it but feel emotionally blackmailed as she would lay on the guilt so thick I wouldn't be able to get through it.

Oh this is one of those threads that goes in circles.

People say "go to your sisters."
And the OP says "I don't want to"
People say "Tell your sister and go out with your friends."
And the OP gives more and reasons why they are expected to go to their sisters.

I am sorry SirCliffRichcardSucksEggsinHell I am appearing really harsh and I do have sympathy for you.

But the reality is if you get the courage to tell your sister you cannot make it then there is going to be some reaction. She might be upset, she might be glad. You don't know what will happen but the alternative is keep doing the same old thing that doesn't make you happy and begrudge doing it.

Or you PM me your sister's phone number on Boxing Day and I phone her pretending I am an alien on a UFO and have kidnapped you for the day.

Can you not go to your sisters on the 27th?

I understand about support and family and all that, but if I were your sister, I'd tell you to go out with your friends and arrange to see you another day.

We used to see my family a lot over Christmas and don't now for one reason or another (all of them, their decisions not ours). It's disappointing yes, but sometimes people have to do what's best for them.

You have said need a nice time and haven't seen these friends in ages.

If I were your sister, I'd be disappointed, but I'd be gracious and understand why you were going out with them.

You need to tell her asap though, before she's bought any food.