To expect you all to help me with my Christmas dilemma?

[SirCliffRichardSucksEggsInHell]

Cause my other thread only got one post!

Here goes: every Boxing Day I go to my sister's and stay over. This year she is working for half a day so we'd usually go round at 4pm and be fed at around 8/9pm.

However our friends are planning a big Boxing Day night out, including one friend we haven't seen for 6 months as he's living in Moscow and is only back for a few days. Some of them are playing in a gig and it promises to be a great night out. I really want to go, especially as we are spending Christmas Day at his mum and dads which is usually dull and I end up spending most of the day helping his mum put food out, tidy food away, load up dishwasher etc. We haven't had a great time recently and I really feel the need to have a nice time.

However my sister's MIL died a few months ago. They are not looking forward to Christmas and she's already told me how much of a difference it would make in having us there and how she's already planned the menu

What can I do?

But if you dont change things, they will always stay the same.

Christmas only happens once a year, why spend it miserable?

She's you're sister and you've shown her support all year round.

Stand your ground and do something for yourself for once, sooner rather than later though, there's not long left to go now.

Just because she is blood doesnt mean you have to endure the emotional blackmail.

PMing you now!

I know and trust me, I'm as frustrated as you are. I just see no way out of it. I tried to persuade her last night to book a meal for them all as they are feeling down and prices will be cheaper on Boxing Day, but no she says they are looking forward to seeing us.

Yes I could stop the tradition for further years, but this year could well be the last year our friends band plays and I just know my sister would not understand. I honestly feel that every Christmas I do what everyone else wants me to do.

Christmas Day morning we set off to drive the 200 miles to his parents because we need to be there for lunch. I then spend that day helping his mum out whilst his relatives come and go and I hardly get to see my own children. Then Boxing Day is at my sisters because only myself and my older brother still speak to each other. So I'll see both of them and stay overnight at hers. It's tense and boring and I feel stifled and just want to get out.

I can count on one hand the number of times anyone comes to visit us. We are always visiting them and I'm sick of it. I want to have fun at Christmas too but I know that my fun will be at her expense and the emotional blackmail will be too much to put up with. So as usual I'll end up missing out on my friends, who I really want to see, for the sake of others.

I'm not a selfish person, I'm really not. I always put others first. I just wanted a break just this once. How on earth do I tell her that in a way that she'll understand? She's bound to be offended as she honestly thinks that SHE provides me with this break!!!!

This year though is worse.

Her MIL died just a few months ago, it caused a rift within his family and put a strain on their marriage. The kids are all upset about losing their granny so will find it hard this Christmas. There is the emotional blackmail.

I will add to their upset and their Christmas will be made even more miserable. So I suffer instead.

Yes I know that means I should support her, but my support is wearing thin now and tbh dh and I haven't had it easy either.

I think you should go out with friends. We have had similar arrangements with family for years and this year I've decided to bite the bullet and make our own plans that suit us. Selfish? Well yes probably but better than sitting around resenting your family at Xmas

Go with your friends - you had already made those plans, friends would be upset, you would be upset.

Explain to sister that friend is over from Moscow, wont be back for another 20 zillion years, etc etc - and say you'll come the day after

The more you post, the more I think you should just go and see your friends instead.

You're thinking about your sister's needs but it doesn't sound as though she thinks about your needs. Deal with the emotional blackmail later.

Oh please sircliff do what you want to do

Tell dh your not going to inlaws you can't be arsed to drive 200 miles

Spend Xmas day with sister
Boxing day go out with friends

What will your 2 dcs dowhile you go out?

Feck em all and enjoy your Christmas. Take power and don't be a doormat!

You are not responsible for your sisters happiness or enjoyment of the festive season. It sounds like she lives in a pretty miserable household and while that is very sad that is no reason to expect you to sacrifice something that is important to you for the sake of her enjoyment .
I'm sorry but I just don't get the family over friends thing and never have. You choose your friends because you enjoy their company and respect each other.
This is something that cannot necessarily be said of family. One may love family as I do, but in times of crisis it is often my friends that I turn to.
The old addage 'you cannot choose your family....'
I am sure you love your sister but that does not mean she takes piority over friendships that can be just as cherished.
Also it is a little selfish of her and her family to expect you to commit to spending time with them if they cannot be bothered to make it a special, fun time, outside of providing a nice meal.

We have to drive the 200 miles anyway to go out with friends. Basically friends and family live up north, we moved down south.

I'm going to talk to dh when he gets home and suggest Christmas Day with sister and then Boxing Day with his family, plus night out (as his mum will give us lunch and won't mind us going out for one night).

Dh won't want to cancel Christmas Day lunch as it's his family tradition, but I'll put it to him that it's either this or we miss out on friends and a fantastic night out that might not happen again. I think he'll come round!

chrimbly - thanks, I didn't think of swapping the days round!
I knew there had to be a compromise somewhere - I just couldn't find it on my own. And yes, this particular tradition will have to be knocked on the head!

Well done Chrimbly, but SirCliffRichard - my UFO is on standby just in case eh?

LF don't DO that! I thought you were my sister then!

Cheers Pancakeflipper, that's a brilliant excuse for anytime really isn't it?

oh god, I'd go with friends every time.

My sister is also deeply deeply inflexible, and takes offence at nothing and everything. Plus her DP is an egregious shitsponge. So we would do just about anything to avoid a whole evening with them.

I think if you haven't seen your friends in ages, and won't see them again for ages, and your sister can't see how important they are to you, well, sod her. Yes, she has had a hard year, but I'm not sure I see why you are being held responsible for making it all better.

"but I know that my fun will be at her expense" - every previous year, her fun has been at your expense, no? So it's your turn.

Can I ask what your dh does during Christmas at his house, while you're running around working hard? Would you prefer to be doing what he does? If so, tell him you're going to swap this year - he's going to run around helping his mum (and you'll see that he does), and you're going to sit on the sofa do whatever he normally does.

It isn't "his family tradition" to have Christmas at his mum's. His family is you and your children. You do not have a tradition of having Christmas at his mum's every single year, you have a bad habit. Time to break it. How many years have you done what he wants for Christmas day? Cos the next x years, you get to choose. It's only fair!

I'm mean and a cow and don't actually like my sister very much which obviously colours my answer but I would say go to your gig and see your sister the next day or any day that is actually convenient. "Already planning" to me did I mention I'm a cow? means taking you fro granted and/or emotional blackmail to make you and yours do what she wants regardless of what you want.

Yes, you definitely MUST spend Christmas day with your sister this year. ( Hopefully I'm sure your DHs parents will understand)

I'd go with friends, every time. If my Sister had this sort of double booking I'd much rather she wanted to come and see me, and not come and see me out of a sense of obligation, but then I'd be happy to reschedule for something like this.

Do you not think you've left it a bit late to be changing plans? Given she's already worked out menus and how to fit you in among christmas shifts? And you've presumably agreed to it?

I think I would be quite mad if you were my sister and changed the plans now.

Go and have fun, I have given you permission so use it wisely young one.

go out with your friends - tell your sister this is the only date you can see this visiting friend from Moscow, therefore making it a special occasion and you know she'd be reasonable that you could see her the following day, you would like to invite her to you on 27th so she doesn't need to cook, or you can come to her, and order a takeaway so she doesn't need to run round a second day if she likes (offer to pay for it)...

It's not actually christmas day so should be less pressure on boxing day and the advantage of Christmas falling on the weekend is you get an extra bank holiday so can use that as an extension of the holidays...

I would go out with your friends. Tell your sister this and ask her for an alternative date for a get together.
It sounds as though you do not enjoy either arrangements for Christmas Day or Boxing Day so do the thing that will make you happy.She is not on her own and if you have invited her and bil out and they have declined, well that is their choice.

Just had a big family meeting with dh and kids and all decided we would spend Christmas Day with sister and Boxing Day with his mum.

I texted friends joyfully to say we'll see them Boxing Day.

THE GIG IS CANCELLED!!!! So plans can stay as they are and we're all arranging to go out as a group the day after Boxing Day, which is a bank holiday so the perfect time to meet friends after a stressful lovely day with both families

Next year I'm booking a Premier Inn, just me, all by myself and I don't care that dh thinks that is miserable. I can watch TV and sip wine in my lovely room all day - no washing up, no small talk, no pretending to enjoy it. Perfect!

FFS! Isn't that always the way. Phew and great you did the right thing by all of you. Well done SirCliff.

OK do what you have to do this year but in January say to your families that next year you are staying at home.

I feel so sorry for you, OP. You are pleasing everyone and nobody is thinking about you.