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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think fighting over names should not be a reason to break up with someone?

95 replies

TheLatestConundrum · 01/12/2011 21:55

Name changed for this as DP knows my username.

Am ttc with new DP. Everything has been going swimmingly until recently and he has been equally keen. Lately we have been discussing names for DC and I have suggested a couple of fairly standard but nice ones, IMO. He is insistent on using Muslim names that are, although not unreasonably difficult in terms of spelling or pronunciation, really not what I had in mind. They are not even neutral names such as Zara or Adam. I'm happy to use them for a middle name, just as a compromise, but I definitely don't want them as a first name.

I am really unshakeable about this - not only because I personally don't want it but because I know that my mother who I am very close to will never accept such a name. She is not against DP or his culture, but she would not be happy with her grandchild having a Muslim name. I know this for certain because she has told me so. Perhaps this is wrong but my loyalties are first and foremost to my DC and my DM.

DP has now started clamming up about TTC, saying that if he can't have a baby with a Muslim name then he doesn't want to have one at all anymore and that maybe we should call it quits. I think that would be very sad as we have had a lovely relationship so far and it seems silly to throw it all away because of an argument about names. Should I just give in about the name and hope that DM and well, I also get used to it?

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 01/12/2011 21:57

If you can't resolve this issue in a way that makes both of you happy, how will you cope with future arguments and cultural clashes?

dancingmustard · 01/12/2011 21:57

It's his choice if he wants a baby with you under those conditions but you both have an opinion.

But if your opinion is based on what your mother wants.

YABU.

squeakytoy · 01/12/2011 21:58

How long have you been together?

troisgarcons · 01/12/2011 21:58

Are you married? I only ask because will his family accept you and a child if you are unmarried?

Kayano · 01/12/2011 22:00

Well I don't think you should be ttc at all with someone who is lower on your priority list than your DM

It would be His baby
And your baby

Your mum named her kids already and it should have nothing to do with her

YABU

AgentZigzag · 01/12/2011 22:00

If he says he can't have a baby with you unless you do something you don't want to do, don't have a baby with him.

Babies aren't bargaining tools to force your partner into doing stuff.

It says a lot more about your relationship, there must be more to it than just a name.

And I wouldn't let your Mum dictate what names you like or don't like, it's nothing to do with her.

MillyR · 01/12/2011 22:01

Can't you come to a compromise where you agree to a Muslim name but you choose which one. There will be some that your mother would think sounded fine, surely?

Mariam for example, is not that different to Marian. It is no more unusual than calling a child Amelie rather than Amelia or Emily.

NinkyNonker · 01/12/2011 22:02

This sounds very odd, you won't name a child something your mother doesn't like, and her opinion counts for more than that of its potential father?

And your mother wouldn't be happy with a grandchild with a Muslim name...why not?

This sounds like a massive cultural clash to be honest. And some odd loyalties.

MenopausalHaze · 01/12/2011 22:02

TTC with new DP? How new? Do you think maybe you should spend a little time getting to know him and what makes him tick before you have a baby?

Hulababy · 01/12/2011 22:02

Tbh if your loyalties really lie more with your mum than your partner then you may find there are more troubles in this relationship than baby names.

Bogeyface · 01/12/2011 22:03

Forget the names. That is the least of your worries!

You are in a relationship with a man that you happily admit comes below a non-existant child and your mother. You call him a "new" DP, so how long have you been together?

You dont seem to accept his culture at all because you are putting what your mother will think over his feelings, it is your and his child, it isnt your mothers place to "accept" a name!

Tbh, I think he has a point about breaking up as he is clearly low down your list of priorities. You need to put him higher up, and also put a stop on TTC until your relationship is a lot more secure. If you cant do that then maybe letting him find someone who can give him that would be the kindest thing for both of you.

Btw, I am in a mixed race marriage so I know it can be hard but you do need to compromise alot (both of you) and it sounds like you wont do that.

squeakytoy · 01/12/2011 22:04

I dont think the Op should be slated for having respect for her mother. Partners come and go.. you will only have one mother but a childs name should be something that the parents agree on, not the grandmother.

Cultural differences are bound to create problems in a relationship. Some can be worked around. Muslim names can be shortened to more traditional british names.

Original poster
TheLatestConundrum · 01/12/2011 22:04

NotQuite, I'm wondering the same myself. About a year now, and we are not married. His attitude is that when I am pregnant we shall talk of marriage. His brother has two children with a woman from a country in Eastern Europe and apparently his parents were OK with that although they were not married at the time. What I don't understand is the need for a Muslim name when he is not at all religious.

It's not just about what my mother wants, although that is a major consideration. I think the middle name route would be a fair compromise, but he's not having that.

OP posts:
Cherriesarelovely · 01/12/2011 22:04

I do understand your point of veiw OP. It is more than just about names though isn't it? It's about identity. i can understand you wanting a compromise but don't understand you feeling that your loyalty will be mainly to your DM and your DC.

Bogeyface · 01/12/2011 22:05

Also, you sound v v young, if your mother looms so large in your life.

Perhaps you should wait a few years and TTC when you have grown up a bit, and I mean that in the nicest way, not being rude!

Firawla · 01/12/2011 22:06

This is not just about the name though is it, it goes deeper and probably signalling to your dp that you are not going to be compatible in bringing up a child in the same way with him, if his religion and culture is important to him but you don't seem that prepared to acknowledge that.

AgentZigzag · 01/12/2011 22:06

Partners don't always come and go squeaky Grin

And if my mum thought she had the right to a say in what my DDs were called, she could have gone and whisltled!

NinkyNonker · 01/12/2011 22:07

I have great respect for my mother, but she does not come above my husband in matters relating to our children...that way lies issues.

troisgarcons · 01/12/2011 22:07

Aside of a 'Muslim name' .... have you actually discussed what religion the child might be brought up in? yours or his? or none?

Names have connotations of 'social class' or indeed religion or colour or ethnicity. Whilst 99% of us wouldnt bat an eyelid and treat people as equal, and of equal merit, some will judge, some will sterotype and some will be plain prejudiced.

squeakytoy · 01/12/2011 22:07

So you have only been together a year... way too soon to be thinking of having kids together. Your own kids wont even have got used to him yet ffs...

His attitude is that when I am pregnant we shall talk of marriage

Hmmm.... bit arse about face dont you think?

What I don't understand is the need for a Muslim name when he is not at all religious.

are you religious?

Cherriesarelovely · 01/12/2011 22:08

Then I would be very cautious indeed OP. You are a couple, you need to be able to talk about things and discuss them. Don't give him the reason that your mum wont "have" it though, that is not going to help. If he doesn't want to compromise then it is probably not a good sign.

EleanorRathbone · 01/12/2011 22:09

You think what your mum thinks about your DC's name is more important than what your baby's father thinks.

He thinks you should do as you're told or he won't have a baby with you.

I don't think this relationship sounds stable or good enough to bring a child into it.

You should not have a baby with this man, he only wants one with you if you do what he wants. That's not negotiation, that's something else entirely and it's nothing good.

newbiedoobiedoo · 01/12/2011 22:09

Please don't have a baby! There are so many alarm bells ringing around your behaviour and his it screams Jeremy Kyle to me!

The way you're both acting...seriously, how old are you???

Original poster
TheLatestConundrum · 01/12/2011 22:09

Lots of posts at the same time - missed a few there.

I said new so it was clear that he is not the father of my DCs - perhaps I should have explained that in the OP.

I don't think it is that U to have respect for my mother - I don't even think it's particularly U on her part not to want a Muslim name. DP who isn't even practising wouldn't want a Catholic name.

I know that DP as the potential father should have more of a say in the decision than my mother, but as squeakytoy said, you only get one mother and this could all be avoided by him just compromising by choosing a neutral name?!

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 01/12/2011 22:10

OP do you think that your DP and you are equal in your partnership?

because it doesn't sound it from what you've posted.

i think your loyalties should lie with the person you are trying to procreate with quite frankly.

there has to be a compromise here. you don't get to say "well you can have it but only as a middle name" and more than he can say "it HAS to be a muslim name or i'll leave you"
there MUST be names that can work well that are muslim AND acceptable to you/your mum?

i'm going to come right out and say it.. you both sound like you're being really childish and if you can't figure this out then perhaps you shouldn't be trying to have a baby right now anyway?
how old are you both if that isn't too rude a question?