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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think fighting over names should not be a reason to break up with someone?

95 replies

TheLatestConundrum · 01/12/2011 21:55

Name changed for this as DP knows my username.

Am ttc with new DP. Everything has been going swimmingly until recently and he has been equally keen. Lately we have been discussing names for DC and I have suggested a couple of fairly standard but nice ones, IMO. He is insistent on using Muslim names that are, although not unreasonably difficult in terms of spelling or pronunciation, really not what I had in mind. They are not even neutral names such as Zara or Adam. I'm happy to use them for a middle name, just as a compromise, but I definitely don't want them as a first name.

I am really unshakeable about this - not only because I personally don't want it but because I know that my mother who I am very close to will never accept such a name. She is not against DP or his culture, but she would not be happy with her grandchild having a Muslim name. I know this for certain because she has told me so. Perhaps this is wrong but my loyalties are first and foremost to my DC and my DM.

DP has now started clamming up about TTC, saying that if he can't have a baby with a Muslim name then he doesn't want to have one at all anymore and that maybe we should call it quits. I think that would be very sad as we have had a lovely relationship so far and it seems silly to throw it all away because of an argument about names. Should I just give in about the name and hope that DM and well, I also get used to it?

OP posts:

tigermoll · 02/12/2011 10:11

His attitude is that when I am pregnant we shall talk of marriage

No you won't. Do you WANT to marry him? Because I get the feeling that's not what he has in mind. He is fobbing you off with this lame promise, - it will just be one excuse after another.

He won't marry you when you're pregnant, he won't marry you after the baby is born, he won't marry you after the next one.

What I think he WILL do is become progressively more controlling and demanding, and each time you have a disagreement he will threaten to leave you and you will give in.

DP has now started clamming up about TTC, saying that if he can't have a baby with a Muslim name then he doesn't want to have one at all anymore and that maybe we should call it quits

You say he is an atheist, yet his religion clearly applies when it comes to his kids. Have you discussed whether the baby will be brought up in a specific religion? If its a boy, will it be circumcised? Will a girl wear a headscarf?

You wouldn't be the first person who felt that their OH had a modern, progressive, liberal attitude, only to find that, once they become a wife/mother, that suddenly all the rules have changed.

AntiqueAnteater · 02/12/2011 10:19

Am ttc with new DP.

I think that would be very sad as we have had a lovely relationship so far

fwiw i think this is a wind up but playing along ......

why are you having a child with someone you barely know

AntiqueAnteater · 02/12/2011 10:21

For the life of me I can't see how this is a racist issue

dont be ridiculous, its on MN, it must be racist!!! clutches pearls

BertieBotts · 02/12/2011 10:29

Read this.

You don't have to hate someone or be out of love to break up

Plus, it's not the name issue, as someone else said it's the fact you can't seem to resolve this between yourselves. Doesn't bode well for a relationship.

Please at least give it a bit longer before you decide to TTC. You don't know someone enough after a year. You maybe know them enough to decide if you want them to move in.

BertieBotts · 02/12/2011 10:33

Plus I am suspicious about his proclamation that you will marry once you get pregnant. You don't marry someone because they are carrying your child. You marry them because you feel they are someone you want to be in a partnership with for the rest of your life. You choose them to be the other parent of your children. (hopefully) you choose them because you admire them, you agree with their views, they have values which you value and want your DC to grow up with those values, they are the kind of man you'd be proud for your son to grow up to be like, or for your daughter to marry.

So why does he want to wait? Either he's feeling these things now, or he isn't. There is no reason to postpone marriage - unless it's either an excuse because he will NEVER marry you, or he wants to make sure you can provide him with a "suitable" child first (of the correct sex perhaps?? Sounds mad, but so does saying "We will talk of marriage once you are with child")

KeepInMindItsAlmostChristmas · 02/12/2011 10:37

You are both childish, he wont have a baby unless you name it what he wants and you dont want one unless your mother likes the name.

You need to get away from each other far away and fast

MMMarmite · 02/12/2011 12:23

How about something like "Sarah". AFAIK, it's a common name in Muslim cultures but also here as well. Surely lots of Ibrahimic name would work.

MMMarmite · 02/12/2011 12:30

Just saw your last post. Is he British, or does he come from a Muslim country? It seems reasonable to me that he wants a name that fits in with his culture, but if he refuses to compromise on something that works for both of you, it doesn't bode well for bigger issues in the future. I think you need to talk more about things like schooling, parenting attitudes, and religion to make sure that you're going to be compatible as parents.

newbiedoobiedoo · 02/12/2011 12:42

starting to think this is a wind up too

Blu · 02/12/2011 12:55

I don't understand why his affinity to an islamic name should be less important than your wish for a western name. Or why he should 'compromise' with a middle name when you can't be expected to.
So toes are dug in equally on both sides.
Before you are even pg.

And have you specifically discussed circumcision, for example?

Just don't do this, OP. Neither of you can provide the indgredients for a successful relationship between you. And yes, fighting over a name should be a reason to break up, or at least not ttc, if such an issue causes such intractability on both your sides.

TroublesomeEx · 02/12/2011 13:30

My mum had no say whatsoever in my DCs names!

I know she 'disapproved' of DS's name but it was none of her business! Why would you need to have 'respect' for your mum regarding this?

I wouldn't want to give my child a muslim name if my DP wasn't even a practising muslim. And I would possibly be incompatible with a practising muslim (or person of any other religion) But then I would have been aware that this might come up before we got together...

What name does he favour?

Sandalwood · 02/12/2011 13:45

He is quite right to stop TTC.

controlpantsandgladrags · 02/12/2011 14:03

It really isn't the norm to value your mother's opinion over your partners. You clearly shouldn't be having a child with this man.

BuzNuz · 17/12/2011 00:14

I might as well say it outright....

Please do not have a baby at this stage.

It's not just about the name.

Sort it out!

MeltedAdventCalendarChocolates · 17/12/2011 00:32

Your DM would be more of a priority than the man you are having a baby with? Oh purlease...

YABU

Wittsend13 · 17/12/2011 00:32

My mum had a say in DS name. I'm happy I consulted with her. She is the closest person I have in this world so I do understand OP point there. I do think your DP sounds controlling he doesn't seem to want to compromise You've gone with the middle name and he's saying no. The we'll discuss marriage once you're pregnant makes me feel like you're being used as a rent a womb IMO. Everything seems to be on HIS terms. If he's not willing to come to a fair compromise then I just can't see it working.

If I were you OP I'd get out now before it's too late.

MeltedAdventCalendarChocolates · 17/12/2011 00:41

Its not compromising because the argument is solely about first names. He does want, she doesn't. Controlling?

Wittsend13 · 17/12/2011 00:48

Melted he told her they will discuss marriage once shes pregnant.That to me is controlling not to mention insisting she gives the child a Muslim name otherwise he thinks they should split. It's all on his terms. There is no compromise the Op has compromised by saying give the child a muslim middle name. I think that's a good compromise.

Wittsend13 · 17/12/2011 00:49

Oh and by saying THEY will discuss marriage once she is pregnant is controlling. she doesn't get a choice beforehand to discuss. That's not normal is it?

sashh · 17/12/2011 07:39

Why does he want a muslim name? Will the children have a muslim surname?

What sort of name do you want?

How about give them a Muslim name but use their middle name as their given name.

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