Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think fighting over names should not be a reason to break up with someone?

95 replies

TheLatestConundrum · 01/12/2011 21:55

Name changed for this as DP knows my username.

Am ttc with new DP. Everything has been going swimmingly until recently and he has been equally keen. Lately we have been discussing names for DC and I have suggested a couple of fairly standard but nice ones, IMO. He is insistent on using Muslim names that are, although not unreasonably difficult in terms of spelling or pronunciation, really not what I had in mind. They are not even neutral names such as Zara or Adam. I'm happy to use them for a middle name, just as a compromise, but I definitely don't want them as a first name.

I am really unshakeable about this - not only because I personally don't want it but because I know that my mother who I am very close to will never accept such a name. She is not against DP or his culture, but she would not be happy with her grandchild having a Muslim name. I know this for certain because she has told me so. Perhaps this is wrong but my loyalties are first and foremost to my DC and my DM.

DP has now started clamming up about TTC, saying that if he can't have a baby with a Muslim name then he doesn't want to have one at all anymore and that maybe we should call it quits. I think that would be very sad as we have had a lovely relationship so far and it seems silly to throw it all away because of an argument about names. Should I just give in about the name and hope that DM and well, I also get used to it?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 01/12/2011 22:31

It isnt being close to your mum that is the issue, its the fact that you said that your loyalties lie with your DC and her first. OK for the DC, it shouldnt be any other way, but your mum before your partner in your priorities? That is very wrong.

Would you want a baby with him if he said that his mum comes before you?

squeakytoy · 01/12/2011 22:33

I would actually suggest you get married first before having a child together.. I know its a novel idea.. but hey! Grin

Seriously though, in the same way that you are worried about your mums reaction, he may well be equally as concerned about his parents reaction. I have known a few people who have had relationships between muslim and non-muslim partners, and in my experience it has almost always been the muslim side that has been the most prominent, especially when it is the man who is the muslim.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourMincePies · 01/12/2011 22:33

"you only get one mother and this could all be avoided by him just compromising by choosing a neutral name?!"

But that's not a compromise OP, it's doing what you want.

He could be saying the same thing "she could compromise and chose a neutral middle name."

It all sounds a bit weird really. He won't discuss marriage until you are pregnant, you say your loyalties lie with your mother ahead of your partner.

I agree with Quintessentially, ttc is not the best idea if you haven't discussed these really important aspects of culture and parenthood and reached a proper agreement and understanding of each others POV's.

newbiedoobiedoo · 01/12/2011 22:35

Is your biological clock ticking OP? I'm not trying to be funny but I have to wonder why you seem determined to rushing into having a baby with a man who you're only seeing for a year and who there are obvious clashes with?

MenopausalHaze · 01/12/2011 22:37

For the life of me I can't see how this is a racist issue (as said upthread by some stirrer!) - we don't know the ethnicity of the DP so how can it be 'racist' - and why do people continue to confuse Islam with 'race'? Are there some people really that stupid?

OP you really need to stop TTC until you two sort out your issues and frankly I think there's too much going on here for that to happen any time soon.

nailak · 01/12/2011 22:49

It's about passing down his heritage. I can't see why he can't compromise with zarah or Adam,

However, does his family know about you? Has he got indefinite leave? Why marry when you are pregnant?

dreamingbohemian · 01/12/2011 22:54

Oh FGS fine, I retract 'racist' and substitute 'bigoted'. Better?

It's still awful. It's 2011 for god's sake.

sayithowitis · 01/12/2011 22:59

So how would it be if, for example, your DP's mother said she would not accept a western name? Would that be ok because your DP is showing respect to his mother, or would it make her an interfering and vile cowbag of a MIL?

Personally, I agree with those who say that if you are going to have any sort of proper relationship, whether with this man or any other, you cannot do it on the premise that you will put your mother's likes and dislikes above those of your partner. Especially when it comes to any of the decisions regarding any children you have together.

NeuromanticisedVisionsofXmas · 01/12/2011 23:03

You care more about what your mother thinks of a name than what the childs father thinks? You're only together a year yet you are TTC already?
My advice would be grow up and get a stable relationship before you have any more kids.

slavetofilofax · 01/12/2011 23:13

This is so ludicrous, I can't even believe it's real.

If it is real, I hope that no child is brought into this relationship.

bringmesunshine2009 · 01/12/2011 23:56

I understand OP re names (the relationship issue is clearly a wider cause for concern).

I have always felt if you are limited in choice to a Muslim name, you should be able to choose from that considerably narrower pool. Hands of Amelia, that's 'my' name for a future DD Smile, though will undoubtedly have DSs foreverGrin.

Adam, Zak, Sammy, Ryan, Zara, Yasmin, Amber, Aida, Meriem are my top picks.

But to the point it is wildly hypocritical to insist on a Muslim name yet be unconcerned about a child born outside of marriage. That and the fact if you are stumbling at this hurdle, lord knows what the future big stuff will be like.

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2011 00:22

What the hell are you thinking?
If you can't agree on names, to the extent it's a deal-breaker, what's going to happen about discipline? Diet? Bedtimes? Your finances? All the minutae of life that either jogs along or causes deep strife?

You don't sound remotely ready to be having a family with this man.

ZillionChocolate · 02/12/2011 07:18

Just get a sperm donor and you and your mum can call your baby what you like Hmm

WhoIsThatMaskedWoman · 02/12/2011 07:39

It's not so much that he wants a muslim name from
The List - which is expected, but that he wants a non-"neutral" Muslim name that will clearly mark your child out as a member of the Muslim world and you want a name that will let them blend in and not make you feel different at the school gate.

Neither view is wrong, but I think they indicate fundamentally incompatible opinions on childrearing which need to be worked through if you are to have his child.

tryingtoleave · 02/12/2011 07:39

If he is that insistent about a name then he is presumably planning to bring up the child as a Muslim. Don't tell yourself he won't because he is not practicing. People often become more religious when they have children. And even if they don't I know lots of people who have surprised me by choosing to send their children to a religious school, circumcise them, etc. If you are not happy to have a Muslim child you need to discuss this and find out what the situation is now.

skybluepearl · 02/12/2011 07:57

name taste often changes through pregnancy anyway, so why not just TTC and think about the name enroute. you might even find one you agree on, you never know. once pregnant you could both collect baby names for 9 months and then rate each others choices out of 10. Look at combining the top names. If you do have a muslim first name then your mum can always call child by more british middle name. does it really matter whcih way round the names are?

tryingtoleave · 02/12/2011 08:00

Yes, it clearly does matter.

skybluepearl · 02/12/2011 08:09

other middle ground names?
Hannah, Zara, Sabrina, yasmin , leila, maria, Zacharia, Samuel/Sami, harris. Mikhail, maya

NinkyNonker · 02/12/2011 09:07

I only have one mother, I respect her, and her opinion in the issues in which she should be involved. I also only have one father of my children, in matters relating to those children I respect his opinion above all others. And as it is he that I have chosen to spend my life with I turn to him before my mother in all decision making etc...as my mother has always done with my father. This isn't unusual.

cory · 02/12/2011 09:36

I am from a different culture to dh and I remember his surprise when he realised that names that were perfectly ordinary and sensible to him meant nothing to me.

Precisely because my child was going to be born into what was to me a foreign culture, I suddenly became very sensitive about this and couldn't bear to think that they would have nothing from my culture. A compromise name that would enable them to fit in and not look different would have made me very strongly suspicious that they would be expected to cover up anything that made them different from other kids: in other words, the whole of my contribution to their heritage.

cory · 02/12/2011 09:38

And that's before we've even touched on the fact that your dp's cultural heritage will be very strongly tied to his family's religious herigate: do, do, do discuss these questions first. Remember, if you do have a child with this man, you give him equal rights in that child; it will be half his. You can't then just ignore anything he wants in the area of child-rearing, religious practices etc: everything will have to be threshed through.

samandi · 02/12/2011 09:45

I think it's fair enough that the OP takes her mother's wishes into consideration. It would certainly be important to me that my parents liked any future kids' names.

Sounds to me like there are deeper issues here though than names. It seems as though he is dictating the course of the relationship, and trying to exert control over issues to do with any children you have. Personally I'd be very wary of getting involved with a man from a different culture who may well have very different views on family structure and gender roles than I do.

samandi · 02/12/2011 09:53

I find it interesting that so many posters are denouncing the OP's mother as racist, but forcing a Muslim name upon the kid when the OP is not Muslim is ok? That not having a Muslim name could cause problems for his family is apparently acceptable. But a non-Muslim grandparent not accepting a Muslim name > racist. [Hmm]

A year is way too early to be TTC especially when you have no idea where the relationship is going or haven't agreed upon any aspects of parenting and how you will deal with culture clashes. Daft.

samandi · 02/12/2011 09:53

Why didn't my Hmm work :-(

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/12/2011 09:56

I think the reality and responsibilities of having a child often focus people's minds on those bits of their heritage they want to pass on.
My DH is Muslim and our sons have Muslim names but names that can be easily pronounced by both sides of the family, school teachers etc (it was pronouncability rather than neutrality that was my criteria but that did eliminate some of the more unusual names, we also picked the more phonetic spellings where there was an alternative). We did have several very big chats before having children and had been married for several years so understood each others beliefs, family pressures etc.

I really think you need to get to know each other better first.

Does he have children? Is he under pressure from his family to get on with it! In some Muslim cultures he would be considered a bit unusual for a man of his age to not be married with children.