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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think fighting over names should not be a reason to break up with someone?

95 replies

TheLatestConundrum · 01/12/2011 21:55

Name changed for this as DP knows my username.

Am ttc with new DP. Everything has been going swimmingly until recently and he has been equally keen. Lately we have been discussing names for DC and I have suggested a couple of fairly standard but nice ones, IMO. He is insistent on using Muslim names that are, although not unreasonably difficult in terms of spelling or pronunciation, really not what I had in mind. They are not even neutral names such as Zara or Adam. I'm happy to use them for a middle name, just as a compromise, but I definitely don't want them as a first name.

I am really unshakeable about this - not only because I personally don't want it but because I know that my mother who I am very close to will never accept such a name. She is not against DP or his culture, but she would not be happy with her grandchild having a Muslim name. I know this for certain because she has told me so. Perhaps this is wrong but my loyalties are first and foremost to my DC and my DM.

DP has now started clamming up about TTC, saying that if he can't have a baby with a Muslim name then he doesn't want to have one at all anymore and that maybe we should call it quits. I think that would be very sad as we have had a lovely relationship so far and it seems silly to throw it all away because of an argument about names. Should I just give in about the name and hope that DM and well, I also get used to it?

OP posts:
HappyCamel · 01/12/2011 22:10

"but my loyalties are first and foremost to my DC and my DM"

So long as you can say the above, especially re your DM, then I'd suggest he isn't the man you'll spend the rest of your life raising a child with. In which case, be sure you are ok with single parenting.

ZhenXiang · 01/12/2011 22:11

According to this website Muslims must choose a name that has a righteous meaning, that will befit and bring blessings to the child throughout his or her life.

They have 1000's of names on there, surely there will be some acceptable to you both.

Your mother's opinion should not matter especially as it is at odds to his culture and it would be bigotted to not accept her grandchild just because it has a muslim name.

It will be your child and you should both be happy with the name, but you have no objection to a muslim name you should be able to find one that both of you like.

thisisyesterday · 01/12/2011 22:11

no, it isn't unreasonable to have respect for your mother. it's fairly unreasonable to say that your loyalties lie with her rather than your DP though isn't it?

and to be brutally honest (as if i haven't already) the whole "she won't accept a muslim name" is just downright racist

EleanorRathbone · 01/12/2011 22:11

Do you want to be married to him?

Why does talk of marriage come after babies?

Sounds like he's calling all the shots here.

AgentZigzag · 01/12/2011 22:12

If you told your mum what name you'd chosen and she didn't like it OP, would you go back and have a rethink?

Bogeyface · 01/12/2011 22:12

Or you compromising and choosing a neutral sounding muslim name.

Or better still, stop TTC altogether. A year is waaaaaay too soon, and this relationship as it stands is not healthy and is unlikely to last.

Sorry.

Xmasbaby11 · 01/12/2011 22:13

I think the issue is of religion, not the name itself. Have you discussed how you would bring the child up?

It's hard to tell if either of you are serious about each other since you are concerned about your mother's preferences and he won't consider marriage unless you're pregnant. Are you sure you are ready to have a child together?

There are far bigger concerns here than the name your child may have. Don't TTC until you have sorted those out.

QuintessentialyFestive · 01/12/2011 22:14

Proceed with caution and stop all thoughts of trying to have a baby together until you have discussed not just muslim names, if the baby should be circumcised as is tradition, be brought up muslim, etc. If he is adamant of a muslim name, I doubt he will put other aspects of his religion to the side.

If you are fine with all the aspects of his culture, which may be quite different to what you expect from your own culture, especially regards to family life and bringing up children, then that is of course fine.

I am sure your mother is fine with your boyfriend being muslim. Will she want a muslim grandchild, though? Because that is what she is going to get!

I think your boyfriend is recognizing these issues to a larger degree than you, possibly, and it is fair of him to suggest calling it quits.

EleanorRathbone · 01/12/2011 22:15

I also think it sounds like you deep down, don't believe he'll be around forever, which is why your mum's opinion is more important than his.

Which is very reasonable if you think he won't be around forever. But do you really want to be a lone parent? There's nothing wrong with it as a positive choice (I'm one myself and can heartily recommend it) but sleepwalking into it isn't a positive choice and having a baby with a man who may be inclined to use his child as a bargaining tool, is not a good idea, for you or that child. If you want to be a single mother, you should find a co-parent who is reasonable and decent. If you want heteronormative monogamy, you should find a man who wants to marry you whether you have a baby or not.

lifechanger · 01/12/2011 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EricNorthmansMistress · 01/12/2011 22:17

Ok
Well a muslim person of either gender will have to give their child a muslim name. It's non negotiable, even for lax Muslims. The only person of Muslim origin I know who doesn't is a full on atheist and lives in the UK. So I'm not surprised that he's digging his heels in and that he sees this as a pretty major issue between you.
More concerning to me is that you don't seem to know a lot about what he expects when having a child. I think you need to have more conversations about that before ttcing.

crypes · 01/12/2011 22:20

I think your child will feel very proud as an adult to have a muslim name and one chosen by his/her father. It would make a child feel wanted and proud of their culture and 'where they come from'. Dont let your mum come between a child and its father.

QuintessentialyFestive · 01/12/2011 22:21

Would the child not feel equally proud of a name chosen by its mother?

troisgarcons · 01/12/2011 22:22

Honor your father and your mother

I'm not seeing a whole lot of let your partner dictate TBH!!!

(seeing as we are on a religious bent at the mo!)

Every mainstream relious text tells you man and wife are as one - TBH (personal opinion) if he wont marry you but wants to check your fertility first - I'd be seeing the red flag waving rather wildly .

dreamingbohemian · 01/12/2011 22:23

I have to say, if my partner valued the opinion of their racist parent over mine, I would have serious doubts about the relationship too. It's not about the name, it's about rejecting his heritage and his role in your life.

This is quite different, but my DH is French. We chose a name for DS that works in both English and French. If he had told me DS had to have a French first name because otherwise his parents would be upset, well, no way would I accept that.

thisisyesterday · 01/12/2011 22:23

i think there are a whole load of red flags waving on both sides.

it would be fairly easy to compromise here wouldn't it? i think the name thing is a bit of a red herring actually. it's masking other issues

Miette · 01/12/2011 22:24

Amelia is on that muslim names website. There must be several others that are both Muslim and English names.

squeakytoy · 01/12/2011 22:24

Is a muslim name going to cause your other children to feel there is more of a gap between them and their siblings though... I could see that being a bit of an issue too.

EleanorRathbone · 01/12/2011 22:24

Oh there are loads of muslim names that work in English.

It's not about the names is it, these two are a bloody car-crash.

Original poster
TheLatestConundrum · 01/12/2011 22:25

I'm 33 and he's 42, and I don't think being close to your mother or worrying about what she thinks is a sign of immaturity. I knew people would slate me for admitting that but I'm just being honest.

We have had this conversation before, and up until let's say the last two weeks, he assured me that he was not going to insist on Islamic practices, including names!

I don't think it's racist on my mum's part, sorry. As someone said it's more an issue of religion than race.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 01/12/2011 22:25

saying that if he can't have a baby with a Muslim name then he doesn't want to have one at all anymore and that maybe we should call it quits

Sorry, I know this is a serious subject but I did wonder if 'quits' was a muslim name Blush

Grin
proudfoot · 01/12/2011 22:26

My sister and her DH gave all their DC muslim names. My mum initially was not too keen as she thought the names would be too difficult etc and was wheedling with them like "can't you just go for Sami?" or something neutral, but once the child has the name, people get used to it very quickly. So don't let your mum's concern about it be a big deal.

However I have to agree that it doesn't sound like the name is the real problem here. I think you need a good talk about what you are both wanting in life.

Kayano · 01/12/2011 22:27

No one is slating you for being close to your mother. I'm close to my Mother but you said she comes before DP which to me says 'he is not the one and stop ttc!'

As someone said earlier this all sounds Jeremy Kyle and Ill thought out

thisisyesterday · 01/12/2011 22:28

well i think you should hold off for a little while to be totally honest.

you need to talk this through some more with him. like a pp says, what if he decides he wants a baby boy circumcised? will you do that?
you need to talk to him in depth about all of this kind of stuff.. now!

maybe suggest to him that you put the TTC on hold for 6 months while you figure out how this is going to work.
perhaps you can both find it in yourselves to compromise on the name... can he come up with a list of muslim names that are also commonly used here rather than more obscure ones?

Original poster
TheLatestConundrum · 01/12/2011 22:31

I've already suggested the names that work in both cultures and he won't have them.

I agree the name is not the real problem, in fact it's only one part of the problem. However, only a month ago he assured me there was going to be no problem related to religion!

OP posts: