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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let my grandchildren know how much I love them?

94 replies

pranma · 30/11/2011 18:29

I'll try to be brief.My dgc light up my life.I spend time with them whenever I can [including regular childcare with two youngest].I talk to the older ones online and by phone.I like to buy little gifts and send them.If I can do something they want I do it.All their parents are happy with this.But...5 years ago I had breast cancer.Recently a 'friend' warned me that I was being cruel to dgc by loving them so much as I was 'unlikely to be around forever'[who is?]so was setting them up for great unhappiness when I die.She says I should withdraw a little,be less available to my family.
Now, I am well atm and my 5 yr mammo was clear.The dgc are the biggest joy in my life along with dh and dc of course but AIBU to carry on as I am?This is a serious question-it bothers me.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 30/11/2011 18:31

please don't listen to your friend. What kind of life would we have if all of us were to hold back from showing love in case when we go those people miss us too much?

FirstNoelle · 30/11/2011 18:32

Your friend sounds vdry bitter and possible jealous. Loving, involved grandparents are one of the greatest gifts a child can have.

StaceymAloneForver · 30/11/2011 18:33

your friend sounds like an interfeering busy body, no doubt you light up your familys lives too and they would hate to think that the time they do have with you may be interupted by the sad words of this woman.

YANBU, I was heart broken when my GM died, but i wouldn't have changed one second with her to save that heartbreak, and I would have had the heartbreak 100 times over to spend a few more days with her.

You sound lovely!

GiserableMitt · 30/11/2011 18:34

Give your friend the finger. It doesn't matter if you will be in your grandchildren's live for the next 20 minutes or the next 20 years. What they will remember is that you choose to be part of their lives at all.

(says she who just lost her wonderful Grandmother at 41 years of age (me, not the grandmother) and cherishes every moment she was there)

LondonMumsie · 30/11/2011 18:34

When you do pass away, which with luck will be many many many years hence, the love you have given your grandchildren will live on in them. They will be happier and more secure people for having received your love, and will pass it down the generations. Your love will be your legacy. Please ignore your friend and do not withold it.

grovel · 30/11/2011 18:35

What nonsense! Go on being lovely.

cheesesarnie · 30/11/2011 18:35

Shock dont listen to the friend!!!!you sound like a fantastic person-youre gc are so lucky so have you!her idea is just plain stupid!
dont ever stop doing what youre doing

SingingTunelessly · 30/11/2011 18:35

What an appalling thing for your 'friend' to say. Sad Carry on as you are you sound like a great parent and grandparent.

Iteotwawki · 30/11/2011 18:35

You aren't being unreasonable at all! Your friend is an arse, though.

My boys adore their Nana (my MiL) and I love that someone else loves them so much.

Statistically I am likely to die before my children, should I have them adopted now so when I die they are less upset? Bollocks.

You can't shield kids from pain in life, but you can help them develop the tools with which to cope. And you can leave a legacy of marvellous memories of their grandmother who loves them.

lemniscate · 30/11/2011 18:35

Everyone dies. If we all walked around putting that thought ahead of loving our nearest and dearest, the world wouldn't be worth living in, would it? Love your DGCs as if every day is your last. They will cherish you for that long after you are gone (which hopefully wont be for a very long time anyway Smile)

Your friend sounds like quite a bitter, closed, unemotional person. I would much rather my DCs had you as a grandparent than that person, and your DCs will undoubtedly feel the same. Pay your friend no heed at all.

valiumredhead · 30/11/2011 18:35

Good God what a horrible warped view on love your friend has! Shock

My ds loved my grandmother with all his heart, she absolutley adored him, if she had 'held back' I am sure he wouldn't have the lovely memories he has of her now she has passed away.

Carry on as you are, you sound like a lovely Granny :)

2BoysTooLoud · 30/11/2011 18:35

You carry on what you are doing. None of us is going to be around forever. Life is unpredictable re how much time any of us have left. Enjoy your grandchildren and carry on as you are.
Your friend has very odd ideas. IGNORE!

sparkle12mar08 · 30/11/2011 18:36

Is your friend of rather less than average intelligence? Because she sounds as think as pig shit...

usualsuspect · 30/11/2011 18:36

Please don't listen to your friend ,I adore my grandchildren I couldn't withdraw from them even if I wanted too

jubilee10 · 30/11/2011 18:36

Ignore her. No matter what happens (and you have no reason to believe that anything will happen to you - you have been clear for 5 years) The closer you are to them the less regrets your whole family will have. You sound like a fantastic Granny and your 'friend' is not much of a friend.

mrsravelstein · 30/11/2011 18:37

your friend has a bizarre view on life. of course nobody ever knows what's round the corner, but i think the grandparent relationship can be a particularly special one and whether it's for a couple of years or many decades it's to be treasured.

ouryve · 30/11/2011 18:37

Chances are that a grandparent will leave a child's life sooner or later. Your friend is being ridiculous.

I never had grandparents who were proper grandparents to me. My mu's mum died when she was a child, her dad wanted nothing to do with me and his first words when she took me to see him as a baby were "get that thing out of my house. I never met my dad's father that i recall and he died when i was young and his mother had had a hard life and wasn't really up to the role of "grandma".

My MIL is in her 70s, but I would never deprive my kids of her just because she may die sometime in their childhood.

WTAF · 30/11/2011 18:37

What a horrible thing to say! Ignore ignore ignore. You sound like a fantastic mother and grandparent, don't let your 'friend' spoil a minute of it.

wigglesrock · 30/11/2011 18:39

My children are the light of my Mums life, I can see it every time she sees them and they absolutely adore her too, she might get hit by a bus tomorrow. My family is plagued by cancer, we don't love each other any less because of it, in fact we tend to show the love a little more Grin.

Congratulations on the 5 year mammo!

TheFeministsWife · 30/11/2011 18:39

Your friend is wrong, very wrong! Carry on as you are. You sound very much like my mum, who dotes on my dds. Loves to be able to pick them up from school, babysit, buys them presents, comes around at least once a week just so she can take them to bed. I know my dds will remember this way into adulthood and especially when my mum is gone. I would have loved to have had a grandmother as loving and lovely as you.

MrsRhettButler · 30/11/2011 18:41

I must admit I worry about how dd1 will cope one day when my mum is gone (they are very close, dd1 was the first GC and they definitely have a unique bond) BUT I would never dream of telling my mum to back off, the relationship they have is sooo special and wonderful.

Please continue to enjoy your GC as much as you possibly can :)

TheFeministsWife · 30/11/2011 18:41

Oh and just to add. My DSD who is 19 now, has a wonderful relationship with her (maternal) grandmother. She calls her, her best friend, they're very close and she sees a lot of her grandmother.

FaverollesWithBoughsOfHolly · 30/11/2011 18:43

My mil died 2 years ago. The thing that keeps her memory alive today is the fact that she loved us all so much. Sure, the dc miss her, but how awful if their memories of her had been any less than of a loving Nana?
That wasn't meant to be morbid btw!
The fact is, any one of us could be struck down unexpectedly, so live and love like there's no tomorrow.
That wasn't meant to be morbid either!

JennyPiccolo · 30/11/2011 18:46

Your friend is a ridiculous human being. I would make myself busy with my family next time she wants to meet up.

RoseC · 30/11/2011 18:48

YANBU

All of my GPs had died by the time I was eleven, three by the time I was five. Your friend is correct in that, if you don't see your GPs or don't remember them much, you don't miss them as much as you would if you saw them all the time (my GF who died when I was eleven lived 300 miles away).

OTOH I 'adopted' GPs (older friends of my parents) and one died a year ago. I was absolutely devastated at the time and am still grieving for her a bit. BUT I wouldn't swap any of the memories I have of her for anything, even less grief. She gave me so much happiness and I hope I gave her some in return. You sound like a wonderful grandmother :)