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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to let my grandchildren know how much I love them?

94 replies

pranma · 30/11/2011 18:29

I'll try to be brief.My dgc light up my life.I spend time with them whenever I can [including regular childcare with two youngest].I talk to the older ones online and by phone.I like to buy little gifts and send them.If I can do something they want I do it.All their parents are happy with this.But...5 years ago I had breast cancer.Recently a 'friend' warned me that I was being cruel to dgc by loving them so much as I was 'unlikely to be around forever'[who is?]so was setting them up for great unhappiness when I die.She says I should withdraw a little,be less available to my family.
Now, I am well atm and my 5 yr mammo was clear.The dgc are the biggest joy in my life along with dh and dc of course but AIBU to carry on as I am?This is a serious question-it bothers me.

OP posts:

Booboostoo · 30/11/2011 18:49

Your 'friend' is a total, total cow. What a nasty, horrible thing to say.

Original poster

pranma · 30/11/2011 18:50

Thank you so much you have confirmed my instincts.The 'friend' has secondary bc herself and has withdrawn herself from her two much loved grandsons for the reasons she gave me.I only know her through a bc site and she pm'd me after I had commented on how much I enjoyed my dgc.The site has a section just for gm and thats where I had posted.Her comments upset me but then a rl acquaintance said she could 'see her point'!Well I cant.Thank you all.

OP posts:

CaptainMartinCrieff · 30/11/2011 18:52

Your friend is ridiculous... You tell your grandchildren how much you love them everyday.
Sadly one day they will lose you. I've lost my maternal grandad and my paternal gran and it hurt but I remember them fondly and love them dearly as they did me.

sphil · 30/11/2011 18:53

My Mum, who died 18 months ago, was so precious to all her grandchildren. She sounds rather like you in fact! She ws always there for them, always prepared to play or talk or do craft stuff that made her house a terrible mess. My DS, who was 8 at the time, loved her with all his heart, she was always at the top of his list of favourite people ( above me and DH!) and he was utterly heartbroken when she died. But would he, or I, ever have wanted him deprived of that love and care? Of course not. It was an amazing relationship that I think he will remember for his whole life.

hellhasnofury · 30/11/2011 18:53

Your 'friend' is a crazy lady. Ignore her. She talks out of her rectal orifice.

Choufleur · 30/11/2011 18:53

What an utter load of crap your friend is spouting. My mum was recently diagnosed with secondary breast cancer and lavishes time and what money she can on DS (her only DGC). He will hopefully have very fond memories of her for the rest of his life.

JamieComeHome · 30/11/2011 18:55

sorry your friend is ill, but she's highly irrational.

The love you have for a grandparent does not die with them, the memories are wonderful.

Shakirasma · 30/11/2011 18:59

When you die, as we all will one day, your GC will be left with wonderful memories of a childhood filled with love and security freely given by their grandma. That is a priceless gift and one which will last a lifetime for them.

To deliberately withdraw would cause them feelings of confusion and rejection.

You sound like a fantastic GP. Keep up the good work!!!

mumeeee · 30/11/2011 19:02

YANBU. Ignore your friend and carry on doing what you're doing.

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 30/11/2011 19:02

If you had a terminal illness your friend would possibly have a point in that you might want to think about how you managed your relationships with your grandchildren during that time. For example possibly not looking after the two youngest for two full days a week. For one thing it would be probably more than you could really manage when ill.

But, thankfully you've been given an almost all clear after your experience with breast cancer - just like my Mum in fact who is in a very similar position to you having had treatment for breast cancer a couple of years ago. I really hope that you will continue to have a wonderful close relationship with your DGCs, just as I value so much the involvement both my parents have with my children.

Give as much as you can for as long as you can and I don't think you'll go far wrong !
Great to hear how much joy they give you and I'm sure it goes both ways !

Sounds like very odd advice to give you ( from your friend) given the situation.

Rhubarbgarden · 30/11/2011 19:04

I wish my dd had a grandparent like you. Please don't stop being wonderful.

RMBallantyne · 30/11/2011 19:04

I so wish I could see my litle GSs more often but they live 6000 miles away. I have been able to see them twice a year when I go just to see them changing as they grow. I love them and they know it. I taught them hopscotch and intend to take a long skipping rope next time so we can chant those songs we did at school. You know the ones: 'Ash Wednesday, never let the pot ....' or 'Mother in the kitchen, doing a bit of knitting ....'. They love the English games I introduce and now they have the hopscotch drawn ready for my arrival when they expect me. Hmmm ... I do get puffed out now though! They even ring me up for a chat.

Keep going the way you are. It means a lot to them - and to you.

DownbytheRiverside · 30/11/2011 19:07

My teenagers love their grandparents, they loved and lost their great-grandparents.
But the memories and the love surpasses the pain of their loss, and it will when their grandparents die too. They have so many wonderful shared experiences, not just nice fluffy ones, but the times when the world has turned to shit and grandparents have helped and rescued and been there for them.
So your friend is completely and utterly wrong on every level. Might as well not love anyone if it's not worth the pain of loss.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 30/11/2011 19:08

I had about 10 years with my grandmother. The last 18 months of that saw her health decline gradually until she died. She was fighting cancer for nearly all that time. I wouldn't change it for the world. Every second was precious.

Kayzr · 30/11/2011 19:09

OMG tell your friend to f**k off!!! My grandparents were always fantastic with us. I loved spending time with them, to the point that I pulled a few sickies off school to spend the day with them.

My grandad died at the start of this year and it was one of the most awful times in my life . But I'd never ever want to lose the wonderful memories I have of him just so I wouldn't be as sad.

Continue just how you are. You sound lovely.

yellowraincoat · 30/11/2011 19:10

What a weird thing for your friend to say. My gran was so loving and kind towards me and I was gutted when she died. However, I'd rather have had her love than to have had a shit relationship with her, as I do with my parents. I feel far more sadness that my mother is so distant than I do that I had a good relationship with my gran.

YANBU

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 30/11/2011 19:11

Have just read your last post pranma explaining that your friend has breast-cancer. I think you have to see her comments very much in that light. Her situation is not the same as yours though by the sound of things. She is probably quite unsure whether she is actually doing the right thing herself, but I'm sure trying to do the best for her own DGCs given her own situation.
I still think if it was me I'd try to keep things as normal as possible with regard to seeing grandchildren.

EssentialFattyAcid · 30/11/2011 19:11

toxic friend
yanbu

HohohomoaneeInAManger · 30/11/2011 19:12

So, doe syour friend think that my beloved mother, who has beaten breast cancer twice in the last 10 years should shut herself away from my DD, who was born 8 weeks before she found the first cancer? She is her only grandparent now, DH's parents had both passed away before she was born, and my wonderful dad passed away 4 years ago? Should my child be deprived of the wonderful, loving relationship she has with my mum? And all her other GC as well?

Should she hell! Tell your "friend" to keep her unwanted thoughts to herself, else it mught be her you withdraw from. Stupid woman, with a crap attitude.

Isnt it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

PreviouslyonLost · 30/11/2011 19:13

If it feels good...do it. You sound like a delicious Granny pranma, wish there were more like you

Fizzylemonade · 30/11/2011 19:14

Nope your friend is very wrong. My Grandad in law ( my own biological ones died before I was born) lived until last month, to the ripe old age of 88!

My own amazing Mum died almost 2 years ago from cancer. She had an amazing relationship with my two sons. Even when she was having chemo we skyped her so she could see them.

My sons have amazing memories of being loved and cherished by their Grandma and to be honest it is a joy to hear them speak so highly of my Mum. Even my youngest who was only almost 4 when she died has memories of her reading him stories and silly songs they sang.

Please don't withdraw from them lives.

pooka · 30/11/2011 19:16

What a fucking ridiculous suggestion from your friend.

Yes I was terribly upset when my grandmother died. But then that's right and proper when someone has meant so much so you and you love them so much.

My life was enriched by her being present in it and being such a happy positive influence.

Ignore your friend and carry on showing your grandchildren how important they are to you.

Cutelittlecatlover · 30/11/2011 19:16

Op you sound lovely, your "friend" however is a twat

LineRunnerSolsticeLover · 30/11/2011 19:16

We are all going to die.

But we don't all have to be weirdly toxic and bitter.

I'm sorry about your freind's illness, but she's very wrong to shut herself off and to advise others to do the same.

You get stuck into love.

pooka · 30/11/2011 19:21

Ok - just saw your second post.

Everyone reacts in different ways to cancer and serious illness. It sounds to me like withdrawing herself is a defence mechanism to protect herself as much as her relatives from the pain of possible bereavement. If it feels right to her, then that's what she should do. Just as you most do what makes you happy - making memories and playing a huge prt in your grandchildrens lives.

I feel sorry for her - so sad.

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