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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let my grandchildren know how much I love them?

94 replies

pranma · 30/11/2011 18:29

I'll try to be brief.My dgc light up my life.I spend time with them whenever I can [including regular childcare with two youngest].I talk to the older ones online and by phone.I like to buy little gifts and send them.If I can do something they want I do it.All their parents are happy with this.But...5 years ago I had breast cancer.Recently a 'friend' warned me that I was being cruel to dgc by loving them so much as I was 'unlikely to be around forever'[who is?]so was setting them up for great unhappiness when I die.She says I should withdraw a little,be less available to my family.
Now, I am well atm and my 5 yr mammo was clear.The dgc are the biggest joy in my life along with dh and dc of course but AIBU to carry on as I am?This is a serious question-it bothers me.

OP posts:
babybythesea · 30/11/2011 19:25

My Gran died when I was 24 and over 10 years later I still miss her terribly. I adored her, because she took time to be with me as I grew up - I spoke to her every week when I moved away from home and went to see her as often as I could. I felt I knew her, and I love having those memories.
In contrast, my grandad (her husband) died only a few years before her. But, I barely knew him. To be fair, he was ill through most of my childhood and was on many many meds - he was only given a year or two to live before I was born so he did well! But he sat silent in a chair and didn't really interact with us. Now, the enduring sadness is not for him, per se - I didn't know him to miss him. It is that I didn't know him - especially as he was physically present. I feel I missed out by not knowing what he found funny, or the hobbies he had enjoyed.

So in the long run, although there may be more sadness to lose someone initially, I think you feel more pain in the end when you realise you didn't know a person that you feel you should have done.

So love them as much as you want. There are enough kids going without love, those who have it in abundance should be given it freely. It's the one thing you can give infinite amounts of and not spoil someone, but only make them better - when you are no longer here, then knowing you loved them will help their self-esteem forever.

exoticfruits · 30/11/2011 19:27

I thought that I had heard it all, but I have never heard anything so silly-ignore her. It is like me saying that I mustn't let my DCs get too attached in case I get knocked over by a bus!
No one knows what is around the corner-anyone can have a tragedy at any moment. Even if the worst happened your grandchildren would have happy memories that no one can take away.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 30/11/2011 19:27

Op your friend sounds irrational which I'm guessing is driven by her illness and having to face her own battles with secondary bc.

Of course you shouldn't change. You sound lovely. Grandparents can do so much to enrich children's lives.

By your friends thinking, I should be distancing myself from my own children as a cancer survivorHmm I don't plan on going anywhere any time soon however, and will take my chances on living a long and fulfilled life.

exoticfruits · 30/11/2011 19:28

No one can have too much love.

Adversecamber · 30/11/2011 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hardgoing · 30/11/2011 19:33

Given you don't have cancer right now, you don't need to take any notice, and even if you did, the best thing you can do is enrich the lives of your grandchildren while you are here. The grandparent relationship is often such a special one, not too bound up in the day to day stuff and angst, you have something so special to offer them, I would hate to feel you were burdening them, actually you are doing something really wonderful.

Your poor friend, it sounds like that is her way of coping, but I don't think it must be very nice for the children she has withdrawn from, and it must make her feel sad too. It's a shame she is sharing this advice (unsolicited) with others as I don't think many people would agree with it.

Esta3GG · 30/11/2011 19:34

My son was 13 months old when I was diagnosed with breast cancer - the withdrawing from family to spare the pain theory is idiotic. But it did pass through my mind in the ealry days of diagnosis - would it be better for him not to form an attachment to me just in case....

In light of the fact that your friend has secondaries now I think you need to cut her some slack. She is scared. She is facing a very uncertain future and all these comments people are making about her being a "twat" are revolting.
The woman is dying of cancer FFS.

BeattieBow · 30/11/2011 19:44

well your friend is wrong of course, but she is probably dying of cancer, facing an uncertain future and desperately worried. people are often irrational when faced with terminal cancer.

I think you should just ignore her and support her as you are doing (as an online friend). Hopefully someone in her family will encourage her to see her grandchildren as much as possible. fwiw my children's grandfather has cancer and we're not cutting down contact at all.

CamperFan · 30/11/2011 19:50

Your post made me feel really sad. Your friend is suggesting that you live you your life in the exact opposite to what we should all be doing - which is letting those around us know that we love them and spending our time making them happy, and living life to the full. Infact, I wish you were MY DC's granny!

CamperFan · 30/11/2011 19:51

To be fair Esta, people made those comments before they saw the OP's second post.

Firawla · 30/11/2011 19:57

yanbu your friend's suggestion is really cold and will just make you miserable and im sure your dgc would miss you as they are already close to you, and would wonder why has their granny stopped bothering about them, so it would be hurtful for all of you.
whereas when you die (which hopefully wont be so soon so why is your friend worrying about that already) they will have all the memories left, and they will understand you didnt just abandon them for no reason, im sure it will be sad for them and they would miss u but dont they say better to have loved and lost than not to love at all??
everyone dies at some point, do we avoid making any relationships in life, and just live isolated and cut off from anyone, to make dying less painful for others?? weird attitude that would be

1944girl · 30/11/2011 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Esta3GG · 30/11/2011 20:07

OP - I really do think you should have explained in your original post that your friend is terminally ill with BC.

Given people's disinclination to read entire threads they will miss the fact that your friend has secondary breast cancer and as such is now incurably ill.

Atomant · 30/11/2011 20:08

I had grandparents like you OP. I was very upset when they passed away however the love they shared with me will always be remembered, now as an adult and parent I have such fond memories of the time I spent with them & I'm so grateful to have had such loving gps who always expressed their love for me & my sibling & cousins & were never too busy to spend time with us. In many ways my fondness & memories of them has taught me how to let my own parents be gps & I don't get annoyed (much!) with the shenanigans they get up to as I want my DD to have the same fond memories of them as I do of my gps.

The time you invest in them now will have an impact on their lives now & in the future, you should have no regrets about spending time with & loving your grandchildren. You would regret it if you took a step back.

Your 'friend' should ease off a bit & really let you enjoy being the fabulous gp you are!

Enjoy the precious time you have with the children Smile

ChablisLover · 30/11/2011 20:17

Yanbu

Your grandchildren will cherish the memories you had with them as I cherish the memories I have of my dearly departed grandfather. It's been 19 years but remember the wee things that made him him and things we did together.

Also, my mum was ill for over a year and now her and my dad pick my son up from school three days a week. He cherishes them dearly and they love him. They wouldn't be without him and I would hate them to withdraw in case they die.

Live every day and if being with your grandchildren makes you and them happy what does it matter what your friends think. She is probably jealous that she does not have the same relationships in her life.

Create memories and live for the day.

You sound like a perfect grandma!

Salmotrutta · 30/11/2011 20:21

Keep doing what you are doing pranma. I adore my DGC and love being in their lives. If I became ill I'd still want to be around them as much as possible.

FWIW I feel bad for your poor friend. She must be very worried and scared about her illness.
She is trying to rationalise and be "practical" but she needs her family now more than ever surely? Poor lady Sad

runningwilde · 30/11/2011 20:23

Some friend. Please ignore her op and carry on as you are. As long as you, the parents as the children are happy that's what matters

Oh and dump your toxic 'friend'

ChablisLover · 30/11/2011 20:23

Sorry I am guilty of not reading full thread as well so will qualify my opinion in that she is dealing with her news as withdrawing from life which some people do. However, there may still be jealously in that you dealt with your diagnosis differently.

Everyone is different. It is hard to deal with such news. Fil has been diagnosed with a form of lung cancer and withdrew a bit to begin with but seems to be getting on with life now. His doc told him he could go to america if he wanted and that life should go on. We laughed at that as fil does not do planes!!

So enjoy your grandhildren but also appreciate your friends situation and to deal with it sensitivity but ultimately live your life. God knows, the world could end tomorrow!

MissMerrynder · 30/11/2011 20:25

I would like you to be my Grandma.

YANBU at all your friend is talking utter rubbish.

I would like you to know I didn't say "bollocks" then, in deference to your fabulous Grandmaness.

aquashiv · 30/11/2011 20:28

I would give my left nostril to have a GP close by who whorshipped and was involved with my DC. GP's are a rare and precious gift. How can you show anyone too much love?
Ignore and carry on being an amazing person for your DC.

MissMerrynder · 30/11/2011 20:29

A second post? Pants.

She's probably pretty scared and feels she can't deal with their grief as well as her own.

What Linerunner said, we are all going to die. How terrible it would be to feel you have to love less in circumstances like that. Your poor friend :(

Esta3GG · 30/11/2011 21:00

Oh and dump your toxic 'friend'

What a charming thing to say about someone who is dying of cancer.

SatisfiedOtter · 30/11/2011 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnaisB · 30/11/2011 21:31

Your friend is talking rubbish - please don't listen to her. I hope she changes her mind too.

Listzilla · 30/11/2011 21:42

Your friend is very, very wrong. Revel in your grandkids, they deserve all the love and attention they can get.

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