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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to let my grandchildren know how much I love them?

94 replies

pranma · 30/11/2011 18:29

I'll try to be brief.My dgc light up my life.I spend time with them whenever I can [including regular childcare with two youngest].I talk to the older ones online and by phone.I like to buy little gifts and send them.If I can do something they want I do it.All their parents are happy with this.But...5 years ago I had breast cancer.Recently a 'friend' warned me that I was being cruel to dgc by loving them so much as I was 'unlikely to be around forever'[who is?]so was setting them up for great unhappiness when I die.She says I should withdraw a little,be less available to my family.
Now, I am well atm and my 5 yr mammo was clear.The dgc are the biggest joy in my life along with dh and dc of course but AIBU to carry on as I am?This is a serious question-it bothers me.

OP posts:

Robotindisguise · 30/11/2011 21:49

Your friend is probably very scared and probably clinically depressed. Bear that in mind and support her but please don't act on her advice. I adored my paternal grandfather. He died when I was 17. I haven't got a wealth of memories of him as so much of our relationship was when I was small (we moved away) but when I think of him I feel warmth. Does that make sense?

Thereistoomuchconfusion · 30/11/2011 22:01

its nonsense. My gran is 84 I'm 28 and she is one of my best friends. Always been there I can talk to her about anything. She use to take all us out on her own as grandad died young, she managed me my sis and my cousins she has had a huge impact on my life and the thought without her is heartbreaking, but nothing compared to the thought of never having her in my life and never having the strong relationship we have.

Without fail i see her on Fridays we go out with my kids and they adore her too, I'm making her sound like a little old granny she is by far that, very strong minded and speaks her mind (too much at times) but I wouldn't be the person I am if she hadn't been in my life as much as she has, and she always gives me the best advise.

Please do not listen to your friend. Could she be jealous?

P.s. Sorry if I crossed over on any points haven't read all the posts as I was too keen to post!!

chipmonkey · 30/11/2011 22:09

pranma I get a lovely warm feeling and the faint smell of hot currant scones when I think of my Nana on my Mum's side. When I think of my grandmother on my Dad's side I feel nothing but maybe a slight hint of fear! I missed Nana terribly when she died and still do. But the lovely memories I have of her over-rider the terrible grief when she left us.

I do think there is a natural order in death, losing a grandparent possibly makes it easier when the inevitable happens and you lose a parent.

And, I have lost my baby dd. Should I have tried not to love her in case I lost her? Should I try not to love my boys in case I lose them? By your friend's logic, no-one should love anyone because we're all going to die at some stage, some of us just get a fairer shot than others.

HalleysWaitress · 30/11/2011 22:11

my lovely mum had a so called friend who said 'oh you're too old to be a grandma now' = she was about 63 at the time. your friend and mums friend sound like they'd get on!!

my very loving grandma died when i was 21. i am grateful for the time i had with her and she was a huge part of my childhood. fwiw shw would have thought your friend isa knob too!

CadetDevilcat · 30/11/2011 22:19

None of us are going to be around forever, lavish your love on your children and grandchildren now - your friend sounds a bit twisted to be honest ....it sounds like she has decided her own fate and wants to diminish her own demise by being forgettable, thats her choice - she shouldn't push her opinions on you when she knows how important your position is in your family

I'm a very new grandma, my grandson is 9 weeks old and the thought of having to leave him is unbearable and I'm only 39!!!

Tell your friend to wind her neck in Pranma and get on with loving and enjoying your family x

Jux · 30/11/2011 22:29

My mum died 2 years ago. She lived with us and she and dd were so close, adored each other, saw each other every day obviously; when dd was upset - particularly when it was me she was upset with - off she'd go to granny. It was lovely lovely lovely to see how they lit up each other's lives.

Dd was devastated by her death. The poor child was only just 10 and we had only had 3 weeks to get used to the idea that mum's cancer was inoperable. Not only that, but we had had 5 bereavements in the previous 2 1/2 years - all close family, well one friend (8yo), but the rest family. Dd still cries for her grandma, most nights. It makes me very sad, but I know that time is the only thing now.

Would I change their relationship? No way, no how. Dd's life was so much richer and more blessed by her gran being in it. Don't you dare pull back.

Driftwood999 · 30/11/2011 22:32

OP - some friends react very negatively when they are told the news, about having cancer. Sounds to me that you have been treated, are well, and are moving on with your life. How delightful, for you and your dgc that you are a big part of their lives.

hmc · 30/11/2011 22:34

Just read your op and nothing else and frankly you sound like a fabulous, wonderful grandparent. My peers have lots of complaints about uninvolved gps who spend little time and energy on their grandchildren

hmc · 30/11/2011 22:35

Also if you start to pull back from your grandchildren they will be bewildered and confused

Slambang · 30/11/2011 22:41

I had 2 grannies. One wonderful warm and loving granny died when I was young. The other cold and uncaring granny died when I was an adult. Guess which granny brought more joy to my life. Guess which granny I am thankful for and so pleased that I spent some time with her. Guess which one I have photos of in my living room and tell my dcs about.

One added to my life and the other took away and that was nothing to do with the amount of time they were around.

FreudianSlipper · 30/11/2011 22:42

do not listen to your friend

ds is my mums world, my relationship with my nanny and granddad was wonderful but to think they would have pulled away so i would not miss them as much makes me want to cry they gave all their grandchildren so much love and time something we all cherish such wonderful loving memories

its such a special relationship its very different from the relationship you have with your own children (so i am told) why deny them and yourself this

Cutelittlecatlover · 30/11/2011 23:06

Oops sorry Pranma I somehow missed your second post. Your friend isn't a twat but shes totally wrong in what shes doing and advising you to do. I actually feel quite sad thinking of her pushing everyone away and dealing with her illness alone, hopefully she'll come to her senses before its too late

iFailedTheTuringTest · 30/11/2011 23:12

I would endure any amount of grief or emotional pain just to have one more day with any of my wonderful and very sadly missed grandparents. I would love for them to have met dd. :(

TroublesomeEx · 01/12/2011 01:12

I would love my children's grandparents to be interested, responsible, involved... but they are not.

My own grandma died this year and she and I had a far closer relationship than I ever had with my mum.

I do miss her. Very much. But only because she meant so much to me and we were so close.

Don't deny yourself or your grandchildren.

My dad withdrew from my DS when he and his wife had 2 'new' children. My son really struggled.

"I feel like a ghost. Like I'm invisible"

and

"I don't really have a grandad anymore do I?"

are two of the more heartbreaking comments. I can't really forgive my dad for the impact it had on my son who now has nothing to say to, and very little interest in, my dad.

dancingmustard · 01/12/2011 02:18

Enjoy your grandchildren OP you really do come across as a genuine warm person. Be as warm and giving as you want you're doing the right thing.
And i'm sorry to hear you've not been well.

Morloth · 01/12/2011 02:18

Madness. I can still remember how my grandma smelled, she used to let us sleep in her bed for sleepovers. I miss her and of course I am sad that she died, but to have never had her at all would have been much sadder.

Watching my boys with my mum and MIL just fills my heart with joy. They adore each other, how lucky are they to have all these people in the world who love them.

So sad that your friend is depriving herself and her gc of such a special relationship.

LAbaby · 01/12/2011 07:00

Their loving grandmother suddenly withdrawing would hurt them too - ignore your friend. Noone ever looks back at their childhood and wishes they had been loved less.

peggyblackett · 01/12/2011 07:11

I adore my GM. We are close, as she raised me until I was 4. Whilst I know that I will be devastated when she dies, I wouldnt want to have missed a second of the time we have had together. I'm not too sure who said it, but grief is the price we pay for love. Too true.

You sound a wonderful GM, stay just as you are :).

pigletmania · 01/12/2011 07:52

Your friend is being horrid, you carry on doing what you are doing, you sound like such a lovely grandma, it is so sad to read posts on here about people whose MIL or mother could not give 2 hoots about their grandkids or who do not treat them very well. Your grandchildren are very lucky to have you as their grandmother

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