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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think DH is being bullied at work?

83 replies

Changed4ID · 30/11/2011 12:16

Have name changed to protect DH id incase we decide to take it further. Basically DH works in a smallish team (around 15 people) and there has been a number of cases of bitching going on, more so in the past year or so. DH therefore came up with the idea of a friendship group which he took to the supervisor and also offered to let him know each time someone bitched about another member of the group so they could be dealt with instantly. This would eventually lead to a decrease in the bitching, surely? It was half my idea.
Anyway the supervisor laughed in DH's face and then told the rest of the group what DH had suggested to which they all burst out laughing at him. IMO this was done specifically to single DH out which makes the supervisor just as bad, surely?? Since then DH has been quite isolated from the rest of the team and has not been invited to the latest christmas get together. He's becomming quite stressed about it and doesn't know how to deal with it, he can't just walk out as there are no jobs to go to.

AIBU to want DH to take this further?

OP posts:

slavetofilofax · 30/11/2011 12:19

Friendship groups are for primary school, not adults in the workplace. I can see why this was laughed about.

Can you explain more about the type of bullying your dh has experienced?

Scarydragontalk · 30/11/2011 12:26

I can see why a friendship group in a workplace would be laughed at (although it's very insensitive to laugh at someone's genuine suggestion). His supervisor certainly shouldn't have 'laughed in his face', and not inviting your DH to the Xmas get together does sound a lot like bullying. I'm very sorry this is happening to your DH, but it doesn't sound like quite enough yet to 'take it further' in the sense that you mean.

pigletmania · 30/11/2011 12:32

The idea of a friendship group was not good and IMO would make things worse. It is something that would happen in a primary school setting and big in an adult envirnment. Your dh boss behaved very unprofessionally. Is there a HR department he could go to

squeakytoy · 30/11/2011 12:38

I think your husband needs to realise he is an adult, in the workplace, not a 5yo in primary school.

Bitching happens in the workplace. Every workplace. Teasing and having a laugh is part of work. Bitching is not bullying.

He needs to either ignore it, keep to himself, and probably just be thought of as quite odd, or he just gets on with things, and if he feels the bitching is going to far, just say so to the person who is doing it, not go running like a snitchy child to the boss.

insertcleverusernamehere · 30/11/2011 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chrimblycompo · 30/11/2011 12:45

in future don't come up with childish ideas for your dh at bwork, keep out of it,

squeakytoy · 30/11/2011 12:45

DH therefore came up with the idea of a friendship group which he took to the supervisor and also offered to let him know each time someone bitched about another member of the group so they could be dealt with instantly

Since then DH has been quite isolated from the rest of the team and has not been invited to the latest christmas get together

Not really surprising is it.. they dont trust him, they probably dont even like him very much. If I worked with someone who went running to the boss offering to be the office grass, I wouldnt feel too comfortable working with them either, and I certainly would not want to socialise with them.

lesley33 · 30/11/2011 12:51

tbh the suggestion of your DH is an odd one for a workplace. No the supervisor shouldn't have laughed, but I don't think this is bullying. In terms of not being invited to a xmas do, if this is an official one this is not on and he needs to complain. If just a few of them going out at xmas, its not nice to exclude him, but is not bullying.

I would really urge you not to take this forward. It is actually quite hard to win a case of bullying at work at tribunal even when there is a case. From what you have posted, this is not bullying. Taking it further will only lead to your DH being isolated more within his team.

Some workplaces are bitchy. No its not nice, but it is people's way of letting off steam or in some cases, building friendships. Your DH needs to try and ignore all but the most outrageous bitching. Instead he should concentrate on doing his job and trying to build a good working relationship with his colleagues.

Remember they are colleagues, not friends or family.

porcamiseria · 30/11/2011 12:52

oh dear

Callisto · 30/11/2011 13:08

I'm not suprised your husband has been isolated after telling his line manager that he is willing to snitch on anyone at any time. Doesn't exactly bring to mind 'team spirit' does it. You both sound very naive. If there is bitching your DH has three options: suck it up; confront the bitchers and ask them not to do it in front of him; find another job.

People are horrible and I do have sympathy - the whole bitchy workplace thing is the main reason I work for myself from home. I just can't cope with two-faced bitchyness at all and so I just don't fit in to the average office. But you need to deal with things like this in a mature way, not like you're still at school.

Scarydragontalk · 30/11/2011 13:11

Ah, yes, I was assuming it's an official Xmas do he hasn't been invited to - that would be bullying. If it's just an unofficial 'mates going out' type of do then I guess they just aren't really friends with him.

squeakytoy · 30/11/2011 13:12

"Have name changed to protect DH id incase we decide to take it further"

"This would eventually lead to a decrease in the bitching, surely? It was half my idea."

Whose job is it? Perhaps it would be better if you kept out of it.

WoodenElephant · 30/11/2011 13:17

Well at least he's given them something to laugh about during the christmas do - so he's kind of there in spirit.

jelliebelly · 30/11/2011 13:18

No he is not being bullied at work. Sounds like you are over involved in this though. It may be that he just doesn't get on with his colleagues and after offering to tell tales every time somebody bitches about a colleague will not have helped him.

lesley33 · 30/11/2011 13:21

Have you ever worked OP? Just wondering as your suggestion of a friendship group really doesn't sound as if it would have come from someone who had been employed in a workplace.

manticlimactic · 30/11/2011 13:24

Is this for real? If so YABU

A friendship group sounds a bit twee. Bitching happens in every workplace. If everyone went and told the boss everytime some bitching went on, they'd never get a minute for work. As for leaving him out of the do, well, would you want to socialise with someone who would run to the boss and report back everything you've sdaid?

What kind of bitching are we talking about btw?

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 30/11/2011 13:26

Welcome to the world of the small office, where people get fed up of each other sometimes.

What is the bitching you speak of? Is it a group of people giggling together by the water cooler saying your DH has got a fat arse?
Or is it far more likely that someone has got naffed off with someone else in a work capacity and is letting off steam?
As for offering to grass someone up if they 'bitch'.....words fail me.
I'm sorry but no wonder your DH's colleagues are giving him the cold shoulder now. They're probably thinking he'll run back to the supervisor with any titbits of gossip they come up with.

This sounds like this was your idea and you've got it horribly, woefully wrong. You need to remove your beak from a dynamic you know nothing about, before you land your DH in any more hot water.

ShengdanRoad · 30/11/2011 13:43

What the actual fuck? A friendship group? Snitching on each other?

Grow up, OP's DH.

SenoritaViva · 30/11/2011 13:53

You've had some harsh(ish) comments, although I do mostly agree with them. In your DH offering to tell on bitching he has in essence excluded himself from the group. This was divisive and would not have been seen as a solution to fixing a problem. You were essentially suggesting a Big Brother Programme, dressed up with flowers and fairies by calling it a friendship group.

The way of dealing with it would have been to say that you thought morale was low and that there wasn't enough trust in the team and perhaps call a team meeting to discuss how to improve things...as a team. Get things out in the open and find individual issues. That's how adults deal with it.

Your DH should not be excluded from an official Christmas do but you can't do much about the other things.

MrSpoc · 30/11/2011 13:54

Not much to add but tell your husband to grow up.

Friendship Group - What is this in practice?
Report benter = A grass

It is not bullying when people choose not to like someone and exclude them from their socialising. They are probably scared your husband will grass on them for snogging behing the bike shed or something.

AntiqueAnteater · 30/11/2011 13:58

is your OH a 13 year old girl?

Scarydragontalk · 30/11/2011 13:59

People are being impressively harsh considering we don't have any real details about the form this bullying takes! On the basis of the OP I agree with the comments in essence, but come on OP - give us some more details. In what ways is he being bullied? Is all the bitching directed at him only and causing him stressed? Or is he does he just not fit in socially with his workmates?

Scarydragontalk · 30/11/2011 14:00

*causing him stress, I mean.

SenoritaViva · 30/11/2011 14:00

Oh and in order to clear the air - an admission that on reflection it was a terrible idea and would have made the problem worse might do the trick. Otherwise he will continue to be ostracised.

pigletmania · 30/11/2011 14:01

Its nothing to do with friendship, telling on people very time they have a gossip. It does happen in any workplace its not the same is bullying imo. Your not going to be everybodies cup of tea, but if it goes a step too far than yes you have every right to complain to the manager/boss.

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