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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH is being bullied at work?

83 replies

Changed4ID · 30/11/2011 12:16

Have name changed to protect DH id incase we decide to take it further. Basically DH works in a smallish team (around 15 people) and there has been a number of cases of bitching going on, more so in the past year or so. DH therefore came up with the idea of a friendship group which he took to the supervisor and also offered to let him know each time someone bitched about another member of the group so they could be dealt with instantly. This would eventually lead to a decrease in the bitching, surely? It was half my idea.
Anyway the supervisor laughed in DH's face and then told the rest of the group what DH had suggested to which they all burst out laughing at him. IMO this was done specifically to single DH out which makes the supervisor just as bad, surely?? Since then DH has been quite isolated from the rest of the team and has not been invited to the latest christmas get together. He's becomming quite stressed about it and doesn't know how to deal with it, he can't just walk out as there are no jobs to go to.

AIBU to want DH to take this further?

OP posts:
TroublesomeEx · 30/11/2011 15:48

FioFio - the first word in the Amicus definition is persistent.

It has to be Persistent, offensive, abusive, intimidating or insulting behaviour as any school child will be able to tell you at the end of Anti-Bullying Week!

Don't think I want to get involved in this one though!

MrSpoc · 30/11/2011 15:49

FioFio me saying you posted bollocks is not the same as saying you ARE bollocks. Surly this cannot be classed as bullying. If it is, please accept my most humble of appologies. Grin

FioFio · 30/11/2011 15:50

so now I'm of lower intelligence than a school child Shock my 10 year old was right!

FioFio · 30/11/2011 15:52

no mrspoc, I meant it as a literal statement

I posted (as in via royal mail) bollocks

a bizarre sense of humour that comes with living with someone who is on the autistic spectrum :o

my jokes are wasted here

BlueFergie · 30/11/2011 15:52

OP I actually feel really sorry for your DH here. I believe his intentions were good and he was probably overly influenced by you and didn't think through his plan.
It was a terrible idea for all the reasons already mentioned. His supervisor is obviously a dick and should not have dealy with it the way he did. Having told everyone that your DH suggested being the office spy and reporting anyone who 'bitched' (was he going to be the one who decided what constituted and offence?) it is hard to see a way back for him.
People are going to be very wary of him now. I would suggest he keep his head down, be polite but distant and not expect to be friends with anyone. I assume he wasn't anyway since he was happy to go running to the supervisor with tales about them?
God you both got it badly wrong though.

MrSpoc · 30/11/2011 15:54

FioFio - don't worry, i asm getting your jokes and trying to play along. Grin

youtalkintome · 30/11/2011 15:55

Oh my god I just choked at the idea of a grown man going to his boss with the idea of a friendship group. You DH was VU. However now that it's done his boss has handled it very badly, he should never have disclosed to the rest of the group that you DH had that idea and because he has your DH has been ostracised so he does sort of have a point RE bullying, the bosses fault IMO but really he needs to grow a thicker skin if he is to survive in the big bad world.

Zensation · 30/11/2011 15:58

YABU. Circle time would have been much more appropriate. Perhaps your DH could suggest a "feelings" box for the class office?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/11/2011 15:59

OP... how does your husband think is the right way to recover this now? Does he have any particular views?

Hopstheduck · 30/11/2011 16:04

I'm beginning to wonder now if this is a wind up.

BarryStar · 30/11/2011 16:05

Er, what actually is a friendship group? Blush

BlueFergie · 30/11/2011 16:06

Ostracised is a strong word though. I mean what exactly is happening. You cannot force people to be friends with him, and its not surprising they won't. Is not chatting to someone/ not inviting him to lunch/ out for drinks bullying? I really don't think so. I mean it is not nice but if they don't like him then why should they be forced to mingle/ socialise with him?
Is the Christmas party an official office do because he should certainly be invited to that but if its just an informal gathering that they pay for themselves then I don't think its bullying to exclude him.

crazygracieuk · 30/11/2011 16:06

As somebody else suggested I think that the best thing that your h can do is to talk to the whole group and let them openly take the piss put of his bad idea in order to try and fit back into the group. Hopefully he can be the-guy-with-crazy-ideas and everyone can laugh and move on.

Did the supervisor know that your h was serious? Your h was advocating more openness about complaints so in a way the supervisor sharing your h's idea was in the same spirit.

Tortington · 30/11/2011 16:07

dear op, this thread is clearly mostly full of twats.

it doesn';t matter whether your dh said that he thought that every wednesday should be a dance naked in honey day. the manager handled it unprofessionally and this has resulted in your dh being ostracised.

So yes, the friendship group being and utter wank idea encouraging grassing up of collegues and one which would never win any friends IS NOT THE ISSUE

btw i reckon it was all your idea and you;ve now dropped him in it with your 'lets be hippies' ideas

MrSpoc · 30/11/2011 16:12

Thats not nice Custardo FioFio is not being a twat. She was sticking up for Op.

(shsss only joking FioFio)

MrSpoc · 30/11/2011 16:13

In all seriousness. I agree with Custardo that manager handled it very badly but that one incident does not make it bullying unless it is sustained and there is more to it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/11/2011 16:17

Custardo... Maybe so, but I reckon that if the OP's husband takes it any further, it will not reflect well on him. He COULD though, tell the supervisor - in front of colleagues - that he hopes serious confidences would be treated professionally. That might make the supervisor think a little.

If I were one of the colleagues, I'd have more respect for somebody who would own up to making a plonker of themselves, without making excuses - or blaming 'the wife'.

He sounds quite 'unworldly', OP... does he fit in at work or is this one of a few incidences where he's felt 'got at'?

MollyTheMole · 30/11/2011 16:34

oh dear

:::::Cringe:::::: for your DH

IMO there is nothing to take further. Fair enough the supervisor shouldnt have laughed in your DHs face out of courtesy but this does not constitute bullying, neither does your DH not being invited to a get together unless it has been organised by the company as a work place 'do'.

Why oh why though did you both think a friendship group would be a good idea for a group of adults? just why??? Confused

Tortington · 30/11/2011 16:35

i would totally speak to my managers manager if i were in his position. he is cclearly a shit manager who has managed to not engender a team spirit at all, has proven himself to be not worthy of his position and should maybe be reminded that actually his position isn't set in stone either

pictish · 30/11/2011 16:39

Actually Custardo I'm going to back you up.

I'm not surprised that his colleagues have cold shouldered the OP, given that they know he offered himself up as head grass....BUT I agree regarding the 'supervisor'.
Rather than politely cutting the OP's dh off at the pass, and smirking into his hand...he chose to humiliate him instead....which isn't very nice behaviour at all.

BupcakesandCunting · 30/11/2011 16:41

The friendship circle idea makes my brain want to punch its way out of my skull

HOWEVER, the supervisor did not handle it in a way that a supervisor should. He sounds like a prick and your poor DH has made things twenty times worse for himself, albeit unintentionally.

TroublesomeEx · 30/11/2011 16:58

Ha sorry FioFio seems I was climbing onto my high horse unnecessarily!

I was actually thinking year 3 so that would be more 7-8 year olds Grin

!

ErnesttheBavarian · 30/11/2011 17:16

I struggle to believe it tbh. If I suggested something like that to my dh, he would look at me like I was an idiot, totally poo-poo the idea, say it would get him beaten up, and he would consider it to be a totally 'girly' idea. I'm thinking of every single man I know (and have ever know come to that) and am 100% sure they would all say the same.

If it is true, which I can't believe, he needs to go back to the manager and enlist his support in sorting it out. I don't think he should at this stage go above manager's head, as it will support the view that he's a snitch.

FioFio · 30/11/2011 17:21

I just felt sorry for her husband tbh. I worked as retail manager and I used to try and nip this sort of thing in the bud quickly as it escalates (I am judging this is a more educated type of firm as well, no offense to those in retail - would be pot kettle black etc) and even things ona jovial level if they hurt someone, they would be pulled up on it as I don't think things like this are acceptable. Yes the friendship group was a daft idea (I have heard worse though)but as a manager he should have said so, not humiliated him in front of everyone. As a leader you need to bring out the best in everyone so that your team works to their full potential

lisaro · 30/11/2011 17:28

Let's get this straight; Your DH works in a a place where people apparently 'bitch'. He suggested cuddles at playtime. He also offered to bubble everyone who said something he didn't think was appropriate to the boss man. Now everyone else is playing together and he's left out, and you think that's bullying. Get him to call childline and also remind him that santa doesn't come to bad workmates. Maybe that'll make him feel better. There, has that given you what you seem to need?