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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH is being bullied at work?

83 replies

Changed4ID · 30/11/2011 12:16

Have name changed to protect DH id incase we decide to take it further. Basically DH works in a smallish team (around 15 people) and there has been a number of cases of bitching going on, more so in the past year or so. DH therefore came up with the idea of a friendship group which he took to the supervisor and also offered to let him know each time someone bitched about another member of the group so they could be dealt with instantly. This would eventually lead to a decrease in the bitching, surely? It was half my idea.
Anyway the supervisor laughed in DH's face and then told the rest of the group what DH had suggested to which they all burst out laughing at him. IMO this was done specifically to single DH out which makes the supervisor just as bad, surely?? Since then DH has been quite isolated from the rest of the team and has not been invited to the latest christmas get together. He's becomming quite stressed about it and doesn't know how to deal with it, he can't just walk out as there are no jobs to go to.

AIBU to want DH to take this further?

OP posts:
MincePieFlavouredVoidka · 30/11/2011 14:09

He wanted to snitch on people and he wonders why people dont like him.

It was quite unprofessional for his manager to tell everyone, but its not bullying.

SnapesMistress · 30/11/2011 14:10

Being a grass was never going to endear him to his workmates was it?

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 30/11/2011 14:26

I can't see how even an apology is going to salvage this one. The damage has been done.
OP - if your husband is actually being bullied then there are proper routes to go down, that will actually protect him rather than expose him which is what this bright idea has ended up doing.

Aworryingtrend · 30/11/2011 14:33

ROFL at "friendship group". What next, carpet time?! I'm very sorry if your DH is being bullied but TBH based on what you've said it just sounds like workplace banter?

TroublesomeEx · 30/11/2011 14:40

It might have been a good idea to buy them a bear.

That way, during staff meetings they can pass it around in a circle. They all get a chance to speak, can only speak if they have the bear and if they have a problem they want to talk about, they can do so, but without naming/identifying the person who upset them. It's also against the rules to laugh at someone talking about something/someone that has been unkind.

This might have been a better suggestion than a Friendship Group

KouklaMoo · 30/11/2011 14:40

OP I'm afraid it sounds like you're way too involved in your dh's work. Sorry - by all means listen to his work woes of an evening, but you shouldn't really 'half' come up with ideas to solve problems in workplaces you don't actually work in.

MrSpoc · 30/11/2011 14:41

I dont think Op or her husband would know what bullying is.

Make a list of what you think is happening, that you feel is of a bullying nature then post it back here. We will advise you if we also think it is bulying or just normal working behaviour, banter etc.

Aworryingtrend · 30/11/2011 14:43

Grin at the circle of bear.

FioFio · 30/11/2011 14:46

I personally think male dominated workplaces are more bitchy than mixed

HandMini · 30/11/2011 14:48

What is a friendship group or what's it meant to achieve? (Genuine question)

tethersend · 30/11/2011 14:50

Terrible idea; but the supervisor should have sat down with your DH and explained exactly why it was a terrible idea and why it was not going to be implemented.

He should not have shared it with the rest of the team, no matter how ludicrous. That is unprofessional.

pictish · 30/11/2011 14:55

Oh no OP - your (and his) 'friendship group' idea was half baked and inappropriate and yes, laughable. Fgs. No wonder he's being cold shouldered...what an oddball proposal to go to the supervisor with! These are his colleagues, not his friends, not his family. What's he doing electing himself as their moral guardian regarding workplace chit chat??!

I am cringing on his behalf. And laughing too. And cringing. And laughing again.

Ouch!

Hardgoing · 30/11/2011 14:55

YOur husband needs to be aquainted with the bullying policy in his workplace and then note down times and dates if he thinks he is being bullied. Being gossiped about doesn't count, everyone needs to be able to let off steam about a colleague to another colleague. Being excluded from the Christmas dinner probably does if every single other person has been invited and he was deliberately excluded (i.e. it isnt' just a few friends who have arranged it).

However, I can't believe you suggested a friendship group or that he was going to tell if somone said something about someone else. Oh dear.

MrSpoc · 30/11/2011 14:56

May be the supervisor thought he was joking. I know i would if some loon sugested this idea.

FioFio · 30/11/2011 14:56

I don't think some of the behaviour on here towards the original poster is appropriate considering what the thread is about

mendipgirl · 30/11/2011 15:00

The supervisor was very unprofessional to share this with the rest of the team. But the idea of a friendship group at work is inappropriate and if it was mentioned to me at work I would have laughed! Also offering to snitch on people is not going to make friends is it.

I think DH should just ignore it and time will pass and they will forget...hopefully.

He doesn't need to be friends with them he just needs to work with them.

MrSpoc · 30/11/2011 15:00

FioFio - The Op has posted on AIBU. She has had a very mild response to an outragous suggestion. She has put her husband in a sticky situation by coming up with childish ideas.

We cannot molly coddle people, we need to tell them straight so that they can see the error or their ways.

Oh and FioFio YABU

FioFio · 30/11/2011 15:17

Definition of workplace bullying by Amicus-MSF trade union

"Persistent, offensive, abusive, intimidating or insulting behaviour, abuse of power or unfair penal sanctions which makes the recipient feel upset, threatened, humiliated or vulnerable, which undermines their self-confidence and which may cause them to suffer stress"
MSF Union, 1994

Definition of workplace bullying by Tim Field

Those who can, do. Those who can't, bully.
"Bullying is a compulsive need to displace aggression and is achieved by the expression of inadequacy (social, personal, interpersonal, behavioural, professional) by projection of that inadequacy onto others through control and subjugation (criticism, exclusion, isolation etc). Bullying is sustained by abdication of responsibility (denial, counter-accusation, pretence of victimhood) and perpetuated by a climate of fear, ignorance, indifference, silence, denial, disbelief, deception, evasion of accountability, tolerance and reward (eg promotion) for the bully."
Tim Field, 1999

Can you please explain to me how laughing at the original poster, calling her husband a 5 year old etc is any better than the original bullying scenario, whether it was started in the am i being unreasonable section or not.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/11/2011 15:31

Oh my gosh, OP.... your husband should have said "yes, dear" and not mentioned 'your' idea at his workplace.

I think the only thing he could now do is at the next team meeting (without bears or anything), just say that he didn't know "what he was thinking" and would his team-mates be gracious enough to treat the comment for the dumb joke it obviously was....

I don't know if it will work but he has nothing to lose. He needs to back that up by NEVER going to his supervisor for anything other than necessary work matters, even if he has to make a point of doing that in public... he has face to save and it will take time.

In the meantime, OP, find yourself a hobby - or a job - but never suggest a 'friendship circle'... I keep seeing Ricky Gervais... Confused

MrSpoc · 30/11/2011 15:33

FioFio - you have just posted bollocks.
I agree with the unions version but Tim Field has gone on a tangent.

It is nopt bullying to tell someone the trueth. The Op and her husband has caused this issue due to false sense of being bullied. Nothing they have said amounts to bullying. Until we hear an accurate bullying incident then we can assume they a playing a victim card for no reason.

I no feel FioFio is bullying me. I have based that on Tim Field's version obviously.

FioFio · 30/11/2011 15:35

whereas by Amicus you have just bullied me

offensive, abusive, intimidating or insulting behaviour

and how do you know about my dirty royal mail habit?

difficulttimes · 30/11/2011 15:39

I was thinking hmm a bit untilmI read about him not being invited to the christmas get together, thats pretty bad.

I hope it gets sorted out.

MrSpoc · 30/11/2011 15:40

I have not ben offensive (yet)
or Abusive
Intimidating Never
Insulting yes possibly.

Do we need to have all 4 or can only one count?

You have lost me on the last comment, please explain. ( i have also just taken a shine to you as you seem to have a fun streak).

FioFio · 30/11/2011 15:43

FioFio - you have just posted bollocks

tut tut, do keep up Wink

and I think one can count......

TroublesomeEx · 30/11/2011 15:44

This: he offered to let him know each time someone bitched about another member of the group so they could be dealt with instantly may/will have made other people feel that he was the bully; an insidious little man with a dictaphone spying and waiting to report on people. Nice!

Had it been accepted, they'd have been watching everything they said and did to avoid being 'reported' for the most innocuous/tongue in cheek/ironic comments most of us make during the day at work to pass the time.

They've tripped him up in his effort to micromanage and thought-police their every word and deed.

They might be bitchy and unkind, but that is the way of the adult world and how most people deal with the monotony and pointless bureaucracy of much of their work!