Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contemplate dumping my boyfriend on New Years Eve, or maybe day?

111 replies

lovelydogs · 29/11/2011 23:01

We were both just sitting on the sofa, me finishing a job application that has taken all day, he was paying attention to the news.

I heard something along the lines of..."bonuses to public service jobs cut to no more than 1%" and then the voice of the newsreader turns slow and grave "Benefits claimants money rises 5%"

It was the start of the news so it was repeated a few times, EVERYTIME he sighed, made a vocal noise of discontent and shook his head at the benefit bit. 5%? This reflects the cost of living I think, inflation? 5% on £60 is £3, yes?

£3 a week more. I don't think I could get a pack of loo roll for that. Maybe some more carrots, fruit etc. I can't think of any one thing that I could get with this increase that would make a huge difference to my standard of living. A tube of toothpaste? Which is fine, as it is just meant to reflect the cost of living.

But the thing is he acted like it did. Why would my boyfriend, who can see how hard I am trying to get a job, act like this in front of me?

My blood is boiling, I feel a hatred that I haven't felt before (well maybe I have) so AIBU to dump him?

OP posts:
AgnesBligg · 30/11/2011 00:33

Salmotrutta - your biscuit/confused icon post standing in as comment is exactly the sort of passive aggressive behaviour OP is trying to get her head around!

Original poster
lovelydogs · 30/11/2011 00:34

Well, I suppose I'd rather the relationship finished through planning rather than a hate fuelled one hour, iyswim. I don't think there is a kinder time to do it, if I did.

It was more than just sighing, there was a vocal noise of displeasure which is hard to recapture in writing. A high pitched "huh humph" kind of thing. I was personally offended. I know he works hard and it's a shame he wont get his massive bonus this year but to think he resents my £3 pw increase? Again, this makes my blood boil.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovelydogs · 30/11/2011 00:43

Agnes aw thanks you are kind, I will keep trying, over and over again untill someone has me!

I wonder too if I will feel diferently when I have a job, I would still prefer that we shared the same outlook but that will never happen, so I guess it'll just be differences of opinion and wont effect me so personally.

I still love the idea of meeting my ideal though, is that wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
lovelydogs · 30/11/2011 00:44

Thanks for the biscuit explanation. I thought it was a doughnut.

OP posts:
fit2drop · 30/11/2011 00:57

Lovelydogs , if this is for real (which I doubt, but hey ho I'm insomniac at this time so I need to amuse myself)
you need to tell him nicely now that its over and done. You obviously have no respect for him and if you are to be believed he is a sexist twat who for the last seven years has not committed to you properly but still expects gifts at Christmas but does not take on board that you are struggling with the needs of your child.
Where is the dilemma... and why wait??
Are you expecting to spend Christmas time with him, hoping to have a happy time. How will that happen then? Will your conscience allow you to pretend that all is well when you know you are going to be "dumping" him within a week.
You say you don,t want him to be unhappy and sad over Christmas, err, do you truly believe that Christmas is going to be fun when your relationship will be based on lies?
If he is as bad as you are inferring I reckon he will be relieved that you have given him a get out clause from this obviously financially one sided relationship,
Truthfully, I think you want him to stay till after Christmas to make it easier financially for yourself , which if true(though I doubt you will admit it)is rather mean but seems a more believable and possibly acceptable reason than dumping him for sighing over a £3 increase in your income.
Good luck with the job seeking.

AgnesBligg · 30/11/2011 01:06

LOL fit2drop

yerr all heart you are

Original poster
lovelydogs · 30/11/2011 01:22

Fit2drop? What? You seriously don't believe my reasons for considering finishing my relationship with my boyfriend?

You don't know me, no one here knows me, this is a completely anonymous forum where people can come and tell the truth and it really doesn't matter. Sure, people will judge but it will not matter because it is just mumsnet, not your neighbours, your parents, your relatives or friends. That is the beauty of it (for me) I have come here for free impartial advice from other mums/adults! I haven't come here to lie about my situation!

OP posts:
fit2drop · 30/11/2011 01:40

as I said lovelydogs , good luck with the job seeking .

fit2drop · 30/11/2011 01:41

oh sorry forgot to add

lovelydogs Wed 30-Nov-11 01:22:23
Fit2drop? What? You seriously don't believe my reasons for considering finishing my relationship with my boyfriend?

No.

Original poster
lovelydogs · 30/11/2011 01:56

OK well each to their own. Personally I can't understand why anyone would come here (if, like me, no one knows them) to spin a fictitious yarn for what? What would be the purpose? Or do you suppose I'm fooling myself?

I am not lying about my situation and the reasons I state are the only reasons why I am considering ending the relationship.

I am not thinking of getting Christmas over with thinking it will be better for me financially, because unfortunately that really isn't the case! It really makes no difference to me, either way all my money goes!

I am seriously considering ending the relationship based on the noises that came out of his mouth while watching the news tonight. You could call it the final straw, maybe.

OP posts:
Iteotwawki · 30/11/2011 02:40

If you want to end it, do it now. No point waiting 6 weeks and I can't imagine you'd have a great time over Christmas knowing you were planning this.

I'd probably be sighing at benefits going up 5% when salaries are either frozen or rises capped at 1% too.

At least if you're honest with him, finishing things now gives him a chance to find someone else at the works Christmas / NY party. If you don't like that idea, maybe see if you can talk to him about your fundamental differences and see if you can stay together but respect the other's pov.

lifechanger · 30/11/2011 04:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NinkyNonker · 30/11/2011 08:00

The reporting of it does sound bad. Most reports have deliberately mentioned both at the same time, so it does come across as benefit claimants getting cost of living increases, which they should...but not employees, which they should too. Bear in mind there has been a 2 yr pay freeze, so by the time this 1% cap comes in it will be a max 1% increase on a salary from nearly 4 yrs previous when inflation is at a high. No wonder people are pissed off

Anywho, if this is the last in a long line then ditch.

Proudnscary · 30/11/2011 08:05

Is waiting to dump dp's on New Year's like people who tell you they are 'going to get engaged next summer'?

NinkyNonker · 30/11/2011 08:10

Grin Engaged to be engaged apparently...

Proudnscary · 30/11/2011 08:25

Ninky - I just never get it!

pigletmania · 30/11/2011 08:29

YABU why don't you talk to him, If you really want to finish with him over something so petty than do it now, not to the poor bloke on New Years eve!

complexnumber · 30/11/2011 08:40

TBH you sound rather creepy to me.

To contemplate sharing meals and conversations, making arrangements together, enjoying laughs together... whilst all the time you are thinking "I am going to dump you in precisely 4 weeks and 3 days" (or whatever), just seems weird and wrong.

sozzledchops · 30/11/2011 08:44

My dad was a signer and harrrrumpher, silences - the lot. It really can drive you mad, it drove my mum mad and me half mad. That alone is reason enough if this s what he is like and may get a lot worse.

ouryve · 30/11/2011 08:52

If you hate him that much dump him now. I don't see the point in playing childish power games with him.

Kormachameleon · 30/11/2011 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupofnamechanging · 30/11/2011 08:56

I don't understand why he is happy to see you struggle financially, when he has a job and could make your life so much easier. If my partner was unemployed and desperately trying to find work, I would be sharing my money. Particularly if he had a child to support as well.

I don't understand this way of thinking, that people on benefits don't deserve as good a standard of living as people in employment. Never mind that people are losing their jobs all over the place now, purely because of the state of the economy and it's not their fault, or they might be disabled or fucked over by the absent parent of their dc.

OP, I think it is possible for a relationship to work when you have different political views, but it can be tricky and you need to have love and respect for each other. Those things seem to be missing from your relationship. If he's pissing you off to this extent and you don't even live together, then I can't see a future in it.

I think it is best to act straight away, rather than hold off until a specific date. It's cleaner and you can both get on with your lives sooner, rather than later.

SantaDesperatelySeeksSedatives · 30/11/2011 09:00

Dear god just dump him now! Life is too short for hanging onto someone you clearly dont like much.

Seriously if you wait til new year to "piss him off a bit" it makes you as a big knob as him really.

AvadaKedavra · 30/11/2011 09:00

I think the fact that you've been together 7 years and have so far seemingly not made any commitment to each other says a lot really OP. Most people would have at least discussed moving in/next steps by then, have you two not?

BTW I agree with you re all the huffing puffing and posturing over the 5% rise - as you say it only works out at a little over £3 a week and certainly not worth all the handwringing.

maddening · 30/11/2011 09:03

I think alot of people would sigh when it is reported in terms of this group of people get a 1% rise which doesn't cover the rise in cost of living and this other group gets 5%, and you are in opposite groups. it comes over differently if they reported it in real terms eg rise of £156 per year which he may not hve sighed at.

Personally I blame the news, they like to rile people and it's generally depressing!

So I think, unless there are other issues, yabu for dumping your dp for an inappropriate sigh and differing views on the welfare state (and after 7 years these views shouldn't be a shock)

And yabu for waiting till new year to do it if that's what you decide to do