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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Daughter age 6 wants to be vegetarian...think I may be BU?

171 replies

SnakePlisskensMum · 29/11/2011 17:06

This is my first AIBU, I'm a long time lurker but I genuinely need help with this one please.
As a family we eat meat approx. four times a week and always enjoy a roast dinner together on a Sunday. I have always been totally open with the kids about what they are eating, where it comes from etc. We shop at the local farm shop whenever we can so they have seen the animals wandering about and understand that they are what ends up on their plate.

My DD (6) is a complete animal fanatic and as such has said that she doesn't want meat anymore. I can sympathise with her as I have half-heartedly considered vegetarianism on occasion. I cook for all four of us and do not want to make special meals for a 6 year old. I've told her that she will have to eat the same as us until she is old enough to have an opinion. Obviously this would be different if she had any allergies or intolerances but she hasn't.

My husband comes home late in the week so often I make two meals and do not want another complication thrown into the mix. However, I'm not sure if I'm being fair to her to make her eat something she has clearly said she doesn't want because of her beliefs (albeit a 6 year olds) which may/will probably change at the drop of a hat. If she was a teen it would be a different proposition and I would assume it was more considered, IYSWIM?
Please tell me, AIBU? I'm quite prepared to accept I am.

OP posts:
MrsHuxtable · 29/11/2011 18:40

I think you should respect her wishes. It might just be a phase. Or it might not be one.

You don't need to cook 2 meals. If your stuck on how to provide an easy alternative for your daughter based on your normal meals, just post on here what you're usually making and I'm sure, we can tell you how to adapt things easily.

SnakePlisskensMum · 29/11/2011 18:45

Thanks for that offer Carlitawantsababy, very kind of you. I'm going to try to encourage the whole family to try more veggie food in an attempt to make us all more healthy (and save some cash) , maybe even six days a week and then she can choose to have meat on her roast dinner or not. I can then make sure we're all getting a good balance. Not sure how far we'll get, I might have to revert to cooking two meals if my DH and DS moan but I'll see how we get on.
Thank you so much for your help and input.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 29/11/2011 19:04

My ds was around this age when he decided it was morally wrong to kill animals for food. He absolutely loved meat and, like you, I didn't think he would stick with it. He is 11 now and still doesn't eat meat.

If a child is capable of comprehending where their food comes from and capable of explaining to you why they feel uncomfortable about eating it, then they are old enough to have that opinion valued and respected.

I think it is cruel to make a child eat meat, when they have a moral objection to it. In ignoring your child's repeated request to become vegetarian, you are giving the message to your child that you own convenience is more important than something they have strong moral feelings about.

Your child has no power to insist on this - instead they look to you to do the right thing for them. Your decision to not do this for them, shouldn't be based on not wanting to be bothered.

Red2011 · 29/11/2011 19:12

I'd say she has already expressed an opinion. As a child I wasn't told where my meat came from or how it got onto my plate, but can clearly remember walking past the butchers shop where they had calves heads, pigeons and rabbits hanging up. I was told they were 'special animals'. I didn't like eating meat but had no choice.
When I reached 13 I was quite 'churchy' and decided I would give up meat for lent. I have never eaten it since.

Incidentally, my DD is 10 months old and we are bringing her up vegetarian as that tends to be how we eat anyway. When she is old enough to decide if she wants to eat meat or fish, that is up to her, but I won't be preparing it at home. DH is not vegetarian but respects my beliefs. If he wants to eat meat, then there are ample opportunities to do so outside the home (at work, for lunch, for example).

I don't think it is that difficult to prepare meat-free meals that are tasty - it would be simple to add meat to dishes for those who want it, rather than it being the central focus. Quorn is cheaper than meat too, for the amount you put into meals, but it does depend what you're cooking, and how many you're cooking for. It doesn't need to go into every meal. For example last night I made a really hearty and filling stew using butternut squash, mushroom and spinach. With dumplings (veg. suet). Stuffed full after just one bowlful! :)

confusedpixie · 29/11/2011 19:18

I was five when I became a vegetarian. My elder sister was seven. The thing is, she is old enough to have an opinion, I found that quite sad that you said that tbh and a little worrying because she may take that as a sign that she can't come to you with her opinions, so please be sure to reassure her on that, kids hold onto these things sometimes (or she may have forgotten it! I had a particularly emotional chat with a 14yo last night who remembered some specific things said to him from early childhood!)

As for mind changing, so she might change her mind, but she might not, I haven't eaten meat since then (over 16 years ago!) and gave up fish at 7, then gelatine and other additives at 11. My sister eats fish but hasn't eaten meat since she was 7 either.

As Esta said, it isn't a massive hooha and not that difficult. I've been cooking two separate meals at dinner for years now and they're always the same thing but one with quorn/soya/lentils/etc and one with meat. It's bloody easy! If you don't want to do two all the time, get your DH and DS to eat quorn sometimes, won't hurt, my boyfriend eats an almost exclusively vegetarian diet since moving in with me (we live with vegans who stated no meat tbf) and he's fine! He actually thinks quorn isn't too different. Prefers Sainsbury's soya mince to quorn mince though, not sure why. You don't have to use quorn/linda macarty, there are loads of inventive ways to use lentils and other pulses instead and they taste just as good as meat apparently!

Also, protein is not that hard to get either. You should be less worried about protein and more B12 and the things less commonly spoken about. Everything she needs can be found in a good, varied vegetarian diet. Just like how meat eaters don't get everything they need if they don't have a varied diet.

Tardis: I've been making boston beans recently veggie style and they can be done well, I'm still experimenting with the bacon aspect though.

OP: If you choose to let her become vegetarian, educate yourself and your daughter on what she actually needs in her diet, how you can get that in and inventive ways to do it.
My Mum didn't really do this and hoped it'd be okay. I became quite weird with food and it's only been the past few years where I've started recovering from that and am able to eat a good varied diet. I emphasise educating your daughter on her diet as she needs to know, and though she may not understand it too well, she will develop her understanding of it.

Some things that are great:
Chickpeas. In any form. You can make fantastic burgers with them, eat them cold and raw, eat dried chickpeas (middle eastern shops do them I think, not the type you soak!), warm them to have on the side of meals, use in bulgar wheat or quinoa salads.
Mushrooms are apparently 'meaty' according to my DP. We make lasagne's and bolognaises with finely chopped mushroom and sainsbos mince (half and half) and obviously whatever else is in the fridge at the time. I have a thing about mushrooms but am slowly getting over it and chucking them in a lot of other meals like curries and casseroles at the moment too!
Beans of any kind. Some taste great cold out of the tin (I think it's flageot i like cold with balsamic vinegar, the little green ones...), some warmed through, in salads, with main meals, etc. You can make a great butterbean roast easily enough and they're good to have with roast dinners imo, maybe not to everyones tastes though!
Dried fruit and freeze dried fruit. Freeze dried can be an acquired taste, but both are good for snacking on veggie or not. I live on dried and freeze dried strawberries atm.
Squash is great, any kind of squash not just butternut or pumpkin. Squashis really versatile, can be thrown into lots of things and my Mum makes a squash, sweet potato, red onion and garlic roasted mix when we have roast dinners at her house, it's divine! Can be had plain, or with pasta, mashed (that's good too, with a dash of orange juice especially!), baked, etc.
Greens can be experimented with easily enough. Worst comes to worse and she doesn't like them, spinach can be finely sliced/chopped/blended and added to food.
DP says potato and beans have been great. Very flashy (wtf?!) and filling. We do use both a lot though.
Lentils are good, you can buy cans, use in shepards pies, casseroles, etc.
Fruit smoothies are brilliant desserts or snacks and fun for everyone with picking out fruits and taking turns pressing the blend button, etc.

Also, 'hiding' veg in food, whilst a well known trick, isn't used enough. I 'hide' vegetables in a lot of my food, partly because of food issues I have (mostly over those now being honest), but also because it does add an extra boost of nutrients depending on what you use. Adding parsnips or swede to mashed potato. Finely chopped carrot/courgette/mushroom to mince based meals. Beetroot I hear is good blended and put into things. I have heard of people whizzing up veg in the blender into a paste and freezing it in ice cube trays to add to meals.

Jacket potato and beans is a good one, easy to whip up and accidentally vegetarian.

We use the Quorn Kitchen cookbook a lot. I have loads of veggie cookbooks but that has seen a lot of use recently! Mainly for ideas, as a lot of the meals don't need quorn in them really, but there are tasty recipes galore in there! I have a couple of student cookbooks too which are veggie and we use those a lot too, along with The Thrifty Cookbook by Cate someone. That's not a veggie cookbook but it has broadened both of our ideas a lot and now we consult that when faced with an empty fridge!

Also, I use less of the '5-a-day' philosophy in my cooking and more the 'eat a rainbow' one, much more interesting and lots of different nutrients across the colour spectrum in food!

Look for accidentally vegetarian meals, as opposed to thinking "Shit, I now have to cook something vegetarian!". And also look for not-so-mainstream things, like sea vegetables, which are brilliant on the nutrient side of things! You can pick up nori everywhere these days and flake it over meals. Nutritional yeast flakes add a cheesey taste to meals according to my vegan housemates and are full of nutrients. Nuts and seeds are full of good stuff, can be ground and put in food, eaten whole, seeds can be crushed and sprinkle over cereals and pastas, etc.

I apologise for the essay. I've been learning a lot about food recently from my housemates!

ouryve · 29/11/2011 19:19

At 6, she is old enough to have an opinion.

You say you don't eat meat every day, so it's no biggie for you to make veggie meals a couple of times a week for the whole family. If possible, if you're making, say, a veggie lasagna, make a couple of extra portions and freeze them for her. You could have a weekend session with her making individual pizzas to freeze for days when you're all having something she wouldn't want to share. I'm sure you get the picture.

DS1 announced about a year ago that he wanted to become vegetarian. Through trial and error, he's learnt that it's jsut the texture of meat he doesn't like, so he'll now eat ham, burgers, hot dogs mince in bolognese and nice sausages so long as they're chopped up and served like meatballs with pasta. He doesn't like quorn but does like the sainsbobs frozen veggie burgers and hot dogs, (and he never went off fish) so if DH, DS2 and I are having, say, chinese, which DS1 hates, I'll put a veggie burger in the oven with it all, or even just fry him an egg and he can have that in a bun. (just the same as if DH, DS1 and I are having pasta, I'll cook something different for DS2 because he can't eat pasta without gagging)

Catering reasonably for differing tastes and dietary needs isn't all that arduous with a bit of planning.

AnaisB · 29/11/2011 19:23

I think YABU. If it is fad so be it, but it's cruel to make her eat something she thinks is wrong. With a bit of practise I'm sure you could cater for her without making two entirely separate meals.

lollystix · 29/11/2011 19:23

I decided at 7. My mum just gave me lumps of cheese when they are meat. I'm 35 now and have never looked back

AllBellyandBoobs · 29/11/2011 19:25

I was about the same age when I decided I didn't want to eat meat anymore, I just loved animals too much, but was told I wasn't allowed. My parents said I could be vegetarian when I was 10, obviously thinking I would definitely have given up on the whole thing by then. On my 10th birthday I insisted on a vegetarian birthday party and only recently (24 years later) have I started eating a little bit of (sustainably sourced) fish and (organic) chicken. She might only be 6 but it doesn't mean it's a passing phase. I would go along with her, if only because you don't want meal times becoming the battle they did between me and my parents.

Hulababy · 29/11/2011 19:30

Not sure why you won't just do quorn for her. There are alternatives for most meals and it is hardly much more cooking to through in a quorn sausage or fillet alongside.

If doing a bologanise type meal, just save one portion without meat and serve it as a veggie option.

I don't eat meat but my DH and DD do. I deal with this most days and it really isn't a big deal at all, and doesn't take any great effort at all ime.

pissovski · 29/11/2011 19:31

i stopped eating most meat when i was about 7, and became properly vegetarian when i was about 13 (my nan was a great believer in eating meat - and did a lot of cooking - she passed away just before i was 12). I have never eaten meat since, and don't eat fish either.

Mushrooms are a great substitute I find. I use them in carbonara, lasagne and really enjoy mushroom risotto (very easy version, no ladling/stirring continually). I also love chickpeas, butter beans, lentils, red kidney beans etc and make a thick soup/veg stew adding them to potato, carrots, swede and peas and bouillon stock

Splinters · 29/11/2011 19:38

Is it at all possible (unlikely I know with a young family) that you could set aside an hour or two a week for a vegetarian cooking session with her and make say two small portions of a vegetarian main course that you can reheat when the rest of the family has a meat dinner? You have a nice afternoon together, your dd learns to cook and gradually take some responsibility for being the only vegetarian in the house, and all you have to do at actual dinner time is stuff it in the oven.

GrungeBlobPrimpants · 29/11/2011 19:41

YANBU. Contrary to the general opinion on this thread, I think that 6 is far too young to make such a major decision about nutrition. A lot of kids announce they want to be veggies at this age when they find out what meat 'is' - then crumple at the first sight of spag bol.

Sorry, nutrition is the parents job. It's not as simple as substituting pulses for meat - much more complex than that. You're not eating meat every night in any case. And I certainly wouldn't be cooking separate meals - it is far too much effort in my view.

Carry on as you are, don't make a fuss if she doesn't always want to eat it, chances are it will pass

LemonDifficult · 29/11/2011 19:41

OP, I was going to post this exact query a few months ago.

DS1 is 4 and he describes himself as a 'plant eater' and has been completely refusing all meat. He's gentle, thoughtful little boy and I sort of went with it for a bit on the grounds of not wanting to make a big deal of it and we eat a lot of pulses anyway so I wasn't too fussed about nutrition.

However, it did get very wearing. Picking it out of everything, leaving it on his plate and so on. The only meat he'd eat was hot dog sausages. Like you, I've been quite mellow about respecting what they did and didn't want to eat, but actually a vegetarian diet isn't going to suit our family. For a start, we derive a significant part of our income from farming lamb. And he's four! I'm reluctant to let him set the menu or eventually he'd have us eating just olives and mars bars.

Basically, I resorted to bacon. BLTs seemed somehow to get under the radar. Then I took and bacon and chicken sandwich to eat after swimming (when he'll eat anything) and so chicken moved back onto the menu. Lamb is definitely still off but he ate the topping of a shepherd's pie last week and didn't scream about the mince. We're moving forward.

I think YANBU to decide your six year old's diet. (Different for an 12yo. I'm not sure what the exact age DD would be when you would BU.)

northerngirl41 · 29/11/2011 19:41

Hmm... middle ground here - can you explain that the animals on the farm are bred for meat-eating and therefore if less people eat meat, there would be less animals or their welfare would suffer? Maybe redirect her into researching where food comes from, how it's been raised etc. rather than cutting out meat altogether?

Having said that, if it's only a few meals a week where she's being expected to eat meat, I don't see the harm in her just having extra veggies on those occasions and skipping the meat entirely. It's not going to deprive her of nutrients if you're careful about her diet otherwise.

RamblingRosa · 29/11/2011 19:48

I was about your DD's age when I decided to become a vegetarian and I've been a veggie ever since (nearly 30 years). I'm not sure how much my mum bothered with making extra meals. I think I just got what everyone else had minus the meat! Plus a lot of pasta. Not great nutritionally but I survived.

coronet · 29/11/2011 20:04

My dd calls herself a vegetarian but her favourite meal is spaghetti bolognese - she didn't realise that it was meat-based. I said if she was going to be a vegetarian she had to eat dhal, baked beans etc but she doesn't like them. She once agreed that she would rather eat chicken (which she doesn't like much) than dhal. Her vegetarian leanings are partly genuine, partly based on what a friend does, and partly just faddiness.

I told both my girls they were being too fussy and it was making life too difficult for me. We made a list of protein meals they liked and/or could tolerate and stuck it up on the kitchen wall. If it is a meal on the list, they eat it; if it is something new or something they have said they genuinely dislike, then I let them off. The list has been a great thing to do - both of them have tried new things as they like adding to the list. And they are both getting a reasonable amount of protein.

mrsboombastic · 29/11/2011 20:06

I have been a vegetarian since the age of six, I am 33 now. I remember realising what I was eating and deciding to stop, just used to eat the same as the rest of the family without the meat, I.e they would have spaghetti with mince and I would just have the sauce without the meat. It's so much easier now with the vegetarian products on the market. I would if possible respect her choice.

LittleMissHumbuggery · 29/11/2011 20:28

At the age of six she can express as many preferences as she likes, I would not conform with all of them though. Diet would be one of the ones she would have no chance with. Not meant harshly, but I personally have no desire to change my shopping and cooking regime on the whim of a small child. If at a more reasonable age the child still has issues with meat then let her cook for herself, but at that age a healthy dose of 'like it or lump it' would be on the cards.

candytuft63 · 29/11/2011 20:54

I have been vegetarian since the age of 6-42 years. Never a problem i just ate more veg and bread and enjoyed my food. There is no need for seperate meals.

candytuft63 · 29/11/2011 21:02

When i think about it veggie food is just what children like. Pea sandwiches .toast, with peanut butter, roast chestnuts. yum. Putting jacket potatoes in the oven...making pizzas with tomatoes and courgettes and tomatoes.more yum.

ImperialBlether · 30/11/2011 07:58

Pea sandwiches?

DialMforMummy · 30/11/2011 08:08

What GrungeBlobPrimpants said. You can discuss with her the treatment of animals and agree to only buy free range as a middle ground. I'd be tempted to say that that for as long as she can not cook for herself, she should eat what she is given.

TroublesomeEx · 30/11/2011 08:12

If she's expressed an opinion, then I would feel she is old enough to have one! Confused

You might not agree with it but that's different surely.

catsareevil · 30/11/2011 08:18

I think that it is absolutely bizarre that people on this thread are acting as if being a vegetarian represents some major dietary problem.
It isnt difficult to have a healthy vegetarian diet. A vegetarian diet is, in general, far healthier than a meat diet.

The comment about being old enough to have an opinion is also unfair, IMO. The posts encouraging the OP to try to tempt the DD with meat are unfair too, and quite dismissive of the DD's opinion.

My DD's have been brought up vegetarian, but from around age 6 I felt that they were old enough to make a choice, and that while at home we choose to have vegetarian food, that they could decide for themselves what they wanted to eat the rest of the time eg school dinners, parties etc. They have maintained a vegetarian diet despite this.