To be upset with my Mother for lack of interest in Granchild (my DS)?

[Yorkie1]

Havent been on Mumsnet in a while and very rarely post but I need some advice/other people's perspectives....however harsh they may be!!
I've bored my DH to death and haven't got friends readily available to rant to so this is my only way to let loose!

Am an only child. Mum is remarried (Dad died when I was young) and Im not close to other family members really in distance or otherwise. Dh hardly speaks to his Mother (whole other story!) and his 86 yr old Grandma is the only person we see regularly from his family. Obviously she can't do much to help with DS. I'm a SAHM and DS works away 2 days a week and from home the rest of the time running own business.

We moved a few years ago before DS was born - he's 13months now. This was to be near family for when we had children!! Mum was always hinting about Grandchildren but hardly over the moon when I was PG and didn't see her that much or get any help considering we only live 30mins away. At the end of being PG I had to go to hospital a couple of times for blood checks etc - asked her to come with me once when it was quite urgent and she had to wait until after her lunch!

DS had colic for first 4months but I hardly got any help and she never took him so I could have a break. I even had to cook Christmas dinner last year and they only stayed for 2hrs on Christmas Day.
There's been the odd times when she's come round while I take our dogs for a walk and we've been out on the odd occasions but she's never taken charge of looking after DS to give me a break or offered help.
We see her once a week for about an hour. She came on DS's 1st birthday for 30mins enroute to somewhere else. She is retired but has a hobby/business that she does on weekends and sometimes during the week that seems more important than us. She's never had DS overnight and only looked after him once during the day on our wedding anniversary. There are the odd offers to look after him/help but they're never followed up and I feel I shouldnt have to keep asking.

My stepdad has mobility issues but is not in a wheelchair and doesn't need 24hr care. She leaves him to pursue her hobby for long days but always uses the excuse she has to get back to see to him so can't stay long.

All got a bit heated yesterday as they babysat Saturday eve for 2hrs for the first time since DS was born. DS usually sleeps v well and occasionally cries but settles back to sleep quickly. However he didn't settle and she brought him downstairs to watch TV and put him back to sleep in his buggy downstairs! She didn't call us for ages to say there was a problem. I had to tell her I wasn't happy.

Anyway, sorry for long post. Think I probably am being unreasonable....it just feels like I am quite alone and is upsetting she doesn't seem to want to look after her Granchild much or spend time with him/me.

Any advice? Or just general views on what to do? I'm ready to be given a few tounge lashings too!

However he didn't settle and she brought him downstairs to watch TV and put him back to sleep in his buggy downstairs! She didn't call us for ages to say there was a problem. I had to tell her I wasn't happy.

Why did you have to tell her you were not happy. I think you have burned your own bridges there to be quite honest.

Think I am probably am being unreasonable.... - yep, got it in one !

Why did you have to say you weren't happy? Did it really matter that much for one night?

I was with you up to that point. My mum is rather distant about all things child related (we are ttc and most of my friends have babies - she shows no interest at all) and I am worried how she will react if we have a child. I don't know what to do to help her attitude though so will be reading the replies with interest!

What eurochick said - did it really matter that he was in the buggy? I do know how you feel, my parents have never, ever babysat either my DCs or my sister's. It's not great having disinterested grandparents but having been on MN for a long time, I know it is not uncommon

But there wasn't a problem, baby woke up, baby didn't settle, baby was got to settle in buggy. Where was the problem that needed you to be called?

So YABU to complain about this occasion of baby sitting, if your mum's not interested, she's not interested, I don't think you can ever expect anything, it's just what it is - other people are individuals.

Find a babysitter you can rely on and will not use their initiative only do what they are told.

If she wants to spend time enjoying rather being than in sole charge of your DS, then that is another matter.

How old is he? Some people just don't like babies until they are talking/not in nappies.

Babysitting while he's asleep is hardly getting to know him

You complain when she's not there, then complain when she is. I know she's your mother, but why should she help? She's brought up her children, you should bring up your own - and the comment 'I even had to cook Christmas dinner last year' makes you sound very unreasonable. Get a grip.

So the first time they babysit, you moan at her? She's offered in the past but you never follow it up because you feel you shouldn't have to?

Gosh I wonder why she's been a bit standoffish

I used to be very upset about my parents lack of interest in my DS. In my case it brought back a lot of feelings about my childhood. I was very gutted that they didn't want to spend time with him - they just aren't good with children. They are missing out and I love and appreciate my family even if it isn't as bid as I would like.

DS is 5 and they have never looked after him. As a parent it is my duty to ensure my DS is safe and well cared for. I would prefer his routine to be followed. If you leave your child in someone else's care I think you have to trust them . It is annoying when auntie lets DS eat chocolate instead of dinner . If I am upset I would say so; how people react to that is up to them. As hard as it is, I try to look at the big picture and in this case no harm was done.

Your mum is unlikely change. Counselling may help you reconcile your feelings.

It's a tricky one, - there is no right amount to 'expect' someone else to be interested in your child. It's like expecting someone else to be interested in hearing about what you dreamed last night, - some people will nod politely, some will ask lots of questions, and some will roll their eyes and change the subject.

she's never taken charge of looking after DS to give me a break or offered help....She's never had DS overnight and only looked after him once during the day on our wedding anniversary.

Maybe she's of the 'you had the baby, you look after the baby' school of thought?

There are the odd offers to look after him/help but they're never followed up and I feel I shouldnt have to keep asking.

That's right, - if someone is clearly showing that they aren't that keen to look after your child for you, you definitely shouldn't keep asking.

it just feels like I am quite alone and is upsetting she doesn't seem to want to look after her Granchild much or spend time with him/me.

I think this is the crux of it, - permit me to go out on a bit of a limb? Have you always had a slightly distant r/ship with your mother, and did you hope that having a baby would finally bring you closer together?

TBH I was expecting some harsh comments but not that harsh!

I don't "expect" her to do anything but given she was so much for me having a child I thought she would be much more interested and it is a bit upsetting that she isn't.
I do appreciate people have lives etc and everyone is their own person but what's so wrong with asking your own mother to help? I'm not asking her to have him everyday or even for the whole day. Just thought coming more often to spend time with him while he is awake - yep, that's what would be really nice.
I am quite happy to look after DS all the time but as Mums thought you would understand what it's like to need a bit of time to yourself. Thought having a relative to help out was better than putting DS in nursery or at childminder. However it seems I am wrong to want a little bit of "me time".
Do the rest of you look after your children 24hrs a day 7 days a week with no break? If you do then you all deserve medals!

I don't think that anyone should be forced to show an interest in my child but as family thought that would be a bit more interested. Maybe you're right and she doesn't care now she's had me and got her own life back. Maybe I'll be the same if my DS ever has children.

Tigermoll - I have had an up and down relationship with my mother and I guess it is more than just her lack of interest etc. It is partly due to the fact a year after my Dad died she remarried and only told me she was doing so shortly before the wedding. That is obviously a seperate issue as are issues I have with my Stepdad but as a whole it does affect the relationship and how I would like her to be.

I think in hindsight I should have just not bothered posting on here!

You sound as if you want a 'babysitter on tap', OP, and what's more - one you can instruct and control.

You're not doing your son any favours at all if you cause friction with his grandparent. From what you've posted, you are completely focused on your own wants. What has that to do with your mother's relationship with her grandchild? She won't have one if you carry on like this.

Oh and by the way I don't mind cooking christmas dinner. In fact I quite enjoyed it, just hoped that as I'd got a newborn to look after and things were quite tough I would have more of an offer of help. But obviously you are superwoman lisaro and never need any help?

cross-posted with you, OP, but it makes no difference. You sound so petulant.

what eurochick said.

I think you are creating a bigger problem than actually exists.

Work on building bridges with your mother if that is what you want

No, I'm not superwoman, by any means. My exH was away a hell of a lot, I had 3 kids under 4 once my 3rd was born and lived in a foreign country. However - I didn't expect other people to pick up the slack.

I am quite happy to look after DS all the time but as Mums thought you would understand what it's like to need a bit of time to yourself.....However it seems I am wrong to want a little bit of "me time".

Possibly I over react to this, but it drives me crazy when friends of mine have children, and then assume other people ought to help them out because 'having children is so tough'.

Having children is a lot of hard work. You are making the genetic investment in the future, you are satisfying your biological urges, - you are getting the benefit of children. How can you expect that anyone else should want to help you with that? If they do that's lovely, but it's a bonus.

If I had a dog, would I expect someone else to walk it for me? Maybe as a one-off, because of an unexpected event, I might ask a friend. Or someone who really, really liked dogs, and had offered to help. But if I started bleating about how much work a dog was, and how I needed a break, and how people ought to help me because I needed 'me' time, people might say gently 'Well, you did get a dog. What were you expecting?'

I don't want a babysitter "on tap" just a little bit of free time for me and DH to go out once in a while. Saturday night was only the second time we have been out since DS was born so we're hardly out partying all the time.
If someone is looking after my child, no matter who it is, I would appreciate they try and follow the same routines as we do. As my Mum is a retired nursery nurse I would have thought she would have had more of an idea.
I dont think it is unreasonable to ask that DS be settled in his cot in his own room as he is every other night.

How do you feel that I am focused on my own wants Lying? Just because I ask for a little bit of help?

And as for the gandparent/grandchild relationship, there isn't really one anyway so I don't see that it can be affected much more.

She sees him once a week, which is a lot more than many (most?) grandparents do. And I don't see what the problem as with the babysitting/buggy thing (and if you told her you were not happy then I imagine you'll be waiting a good while for the next offer of babysitting).

OK, so she doesn't sound like the #1 most enthusiastic grandmother in existence, but she sounds basically fine and certainly nothing you should be getting so upset about.

I think you may need to think very carefully about what you are actually upset about. I'm getting an impression that vague unfocussed discontent is just building and building.

For example, are you cross that she wasn't helpful at Christmas last year, when he was 2 months old? (Normally, that's something that will get you a lot of support in AIBU.)

Are you cross that she didn't call you for further instructions on Saturday, so that you could rush back? Are you cross because you felt pressured to have children years ago? I expect you get the idea, now.

Yorkie... when you have an expectation of 'childcare', which you very clearly do, it's quite a blurry line then to make it 'spend time with grandchild'. Some parents don't know the difference - the parents of the child, that is.

You say that you've bored your husband on this... are you keeping on about the same thing?

You say that you don't have a great relationship with your mum... well that's what needs to change. If she isn't connected to you, how is she supposed to develop grandmotherly feelings towards her grandchild? YOU are her child - sort that bit out first and see if it makes a difference.

I'm sorry that you feel the comments are harsh but that's my interpretation from your posts.

I don't assume to have anyone to help me. I am quite aware that having a child is my (and DH's) sole responsibility and that I will be the main carer for that child as I am very able to be.

I don't see how it is so wrong to have a little help sometimes to have a break from it all. Do you have your child 24hrs a day 7 days a week tigermoll? If so you are obviously a much better person than I will ever be.

I have 2 dogs and I pay someone to walk them on the days my DH is away as it is harder for me to do so. I don't see this as being irresponsible, quite the opposite. I would have thought it would be better to have them walked that leave them all day without excersise?

Yep, am a SAHM to a 16 month old, and do it all week. DH is very involved, but we don't rely or expect outside help. In fact we went for our first evening out last week in fact, and Mil watched her. Our only instructions to her was to do whatever it took to avoid tears, as we would do. In your situation I would have been quite happy with her solution.

I now sound martyred, we're not at all, this is very much our choice.

I don't think you can expect help, want it, need it, hope for it...yes. It sounds like she is interested, she sees you regularly etc...she just doesn't offer the help you want?

OP - I actually think YANBU for being disappointed that your mother isn't more interested in your child. I think this must be very hurtful actually.

BUT, as someone who has been out with DP on our own precisely 3 times in as many years due to a lack in childcare, I can honestly say that I think you're being fussy about the pushchair thing. On one of the occasions I did manage to get out with DP, PIL was babysitting 2yo DS. We came back at 10.30 and DS was sitting on PIL's lap watching TV. Not what I'd do personally, but I was just so very grateful to have got a much-needed night out that it really did not matter one jot in the grand scheme of things. I wouldn't have dreamt of complaining tbh.

Yorkie - some of us either don't have mothers or have mothers who are too frail to undertake free childcare. Perhaps you should feel grateful that your mother is still around and does actually help out occasionally, and that your son will grow up with her around. You sound like a spoilt brat tbh.