To be upset with my Mother for lack of interest in Granchild (my DS)?

[Yorkie1]

Havent been on Mumsnet in a while and very rarely post but I need some advice/other people's perspectives....however harsh they may be!!
I've bored my DH to death and haven't got friends readily available to rant to so this is my only way to let loose!

Am an only child. Mum is remarried (Dad died when I was young) and Im not close to other family members really in distance or otherwise. Dh hardly speaks to his Mother (whole other story!) and his 86 yr old Grandma is the only person we see regularly from his family. Obviously she can't do much to help with DS. I'm a SAHM and DS works away 2 days a week and from home the rest of the time running own business.

We moved a few years ago before DS was born - he's 13months now. This was to be near family for when we had children!! Mum was always hinting about Grandchildren but hardly over the moon when I was PG and didn't see her that much or get any help considering we only live 30mins away. At the end of being PG I had to go to hospital a couple of times for blood checks etc - asked her to come with me once when it was quite urgent and she had to wait until after her lunch!

DS had colic for first 4months but I hardly got any help and she never took him so I could have a break. I even had to cook Christmas dinner last year and they only stayed for 2hrs on Christmas Day.
There's been the odd times when she's come round while I take our dogs for a walk and we've been out on the odd occasions but she's never taken charge of looking after DS to give me a break or offered help.
We see her once a week for about an hour. She came on DS's 1st birthday for 30mins enroute to somewhere else. She is retired but has a hobby/business that she does on weekends and sometimes during the week that seems more important than us. She's never had DS overnight and only looked after him once during the day on our wedding anniversary. There are the odd offers to look after him/help but they're never followed up and I feel I shouldnt have to keep asking.

My stepdad has mobility issues but is not in a wheelchair and doesn't need 24hr care. She leaves him to pursue her hobby for long days but always uses the excuse she has to get back to see to him so can't stay long.

All got a bit heated yesterday as they babysat Saturday eve for 2hrs for the first time since DS was born. DS usually sleeps v well and occasionally cries but settles back to sleep quickly. However he didn't settle and she brought him downstairs to watch TV and put him back to sleep in his buggy downstairs! She didn't call us for ages to say there was a problem. I had to tell her I wasn't happy.

Anyway, sorry for long post. Think I probably am being unreasonable....it just feels like I am quite alone and is upsetting she doesn't seem to want to look after her Granchild much or spend time with him/me.

Any advice? Or just general views on what to do? I'm ready to be given a few tounge lashings too!

So sorry - missed begining of my post. Basically just saying that I know where you are coming from re. getting upset about the routine being disrupted.

I have a 14 month son...... and then the post above follows

'I do find it utterly bizarre to think of a mother not being aboslutely besotted Iwith her first grandchild. I think to the future and I imagine my grandchildren and I would so love to be involved as much as my child and his / her partner would want me to be!'

agree completely wth this

My mother asked me if I was unhappy with what had happened so I told her the truth. I wouldn't have said anything if she hadn't asked, probably wrong in both respects.

I didn't say I was hard done by. And I'm not so righteous.

I was trying not to argue and have admitted I am im the wrong so not sure why you feel the need to be so rude Lying.

Thank you to those who have understanding.

I am very grateful for support and help and don't wish to ask for more than someone is willing to give. Am just confused as to why she seems quite uninterested and I suppose am basing it too much on other people I know who's families help out on a much more regular basis and seem more than happy to do so.
Obviously everyone is different though so will just have to accept that,

I do find it utterly bizarre to think of a mother not being aboslutely besotted with her first grandchild.

Some are. Some aren't. Neither is as unimaginably bizarre as you make out.

Some GPs feel that they have done all the hard graft raising their own children, and have finally got their lives back now that those children are settled and independent. They may be happy to see their GCs, but equally happy to have seen the back of nappies, teething, nightfeeds and always having something to look after. They may be concentrating on their careers, or hobbies or social lives. They may be happy to play with their GCs, but not wanting to pop round every day and babysit ever weekend. That doesn't make them weird or unnatural, just maybe not as 'baby-minded' as other GPs.

I don't think YABU at all really. It's not like you asking her to do lots of child care just help out her daughter a little when it gets a bit much. The unfortunate thing is she is unlikely to change and I think you're going to have to come to that realisation and accept it. My MIL went on and on about grandchildren then when she got one it turns out her interest was merely passing- as long as it in no way intefered with her life and or she was expected to be in anyway accommodating. She did what she always did which was waft in expect to be waited on hand and foot and then waft out. Our mistake, and yours too possibly, was expecting her to have a personality transplant when she had grandchildren.
Of course grandparents aren't expected to be oncall 24/7 but nice people help out their friends and relations if they are having a difficult time whether it is baby related or not.

Me too. I would be falling over to want to spend time with a GC - not just for myself but also but also because I would WANT to help my own child to take some much needed time out

If she asked you if you were unhappy then a better response would have been something like "It isn't what I would have done, but you're his grandmother and you're meant to spoil him silly from time to time..." with a big smile.

I know you feel there have been harsh comments on here but there has been some good advice and thoughts.

I have a similar situation to you on both sides of the family. The person who outwardly adored DD was my MiL but she sadly died just before she was 2.

I'm having a second, due NY eve and yes, I'm doing Christmas dinner. Whether baby has arrived or not. My parents live 2 hours away (they are only coming for the day) and we go there for the weekend a bit. I know that during that time my mother will only hold the baby once or twice each weekend. That's just the way it is. But my DD is 4 and slowly she has interacted better with her, she still hasn't had her to stay or looked after her for more than an hour or two. DH and I have only had a few nights out since DD but that's just the way things are. I am telling you this because you will see that your story honestly isn't uncommon.

How do you get your mum more interested? One, when she does look after her have the confidence that she can make her own decisions; even if they are not the ones that you would make. Two, why not ask her to do things with you and your DC together. Go to the park etc. when she does visit (lucky you every week, I am jealous). Make it fun for your mum as well not just your DC. Three, lower your expectations and if you relax a bit more and make it time for the three of you rather than 'you need to look after DC so I can have some 'me time'' then she might start to bond a bit more.

There's nothing wrong with feeling sad that they are not closer but you need to fix this and your current attitude gives me the impression that that won't be happening.

OP you are incredibly defensive, and I don't think that you have had much of a flaming at all.

YANBU to wish that your mother was more interested in the baby, but TBH I think a more crucial point is that you feel that your mother is not very interested in you. :(

She is a busy person from the sounds of things, and she doesn't make time for you.

Do you have much support from your DH and friends around you? I don't mean in terms of looking after the baby, just in the feeling that someone listens to you and has time for you?

He may settle back to sleep quickly for you but you're his mum, he's not that used to her, at least he was asleep in his buggy.

By the sound of it you see quite a bit of her, my dc haven't seen any of their gps for about 6 months and they live between 5 and 30 mins away, our eldest is 6 and they have never had him overnight!

Just remember scoffing an entire sara lee chocolate cake at my grandma's. On my lap, in front of the TV. Bliss. I adored her! My mother would never have allowed that to happen (too bloody right!) but in the life of a child, little experiences like this are remembered very fondly.

I stand by my thinking that it is utterly bizarre to be disinterested in your grandchildren.

Out of curiousity, has she been disinterested in your other achievements in life?

Yorkie, take the good and ignore the nasty. Mumsnet is fab in many respects but it is unsettiling how quickly and nastily thread can escalate. I am sometimes literally open-mouthed at the vitriol pouring out of some posters. Imagine them in RL?! Type of woman that you and friends avoid at all costs!

xx

I agree bbface, I think it's totally unnatural to be disintested in your grandchildren. Actually I would say that the fact so many people find this normal or ok, goes to show how far our society has moved from, for example, other European cultures, and not for the better. It's no wonder people in our society tend to feel isolated really.

'Of course grandparents aren't expected to be oncall 24/7 but nice people help out their friends and relations if they are having a difficult time whether it is baby related or not.'

The OP's not having a particularly difficult time though, is she? No more than any other parent of a young child, from what she has posted anyway. And she sees her mother once a week - blimey, I'd love to see either my DM or my MIL that often.

Stop feeling so sorry for yourself OP. There's no 'should' or 'shouldn't' about it, IMO. And there may be all sorts of reasons why your DM doesn't choose to offer her babysitting services. My DF seemed very distant when DS1 was born, and I remember being upset about it at the time. Turned out, he had terminal cancer and died when DS1 was only 5 months old. Of course I'm not suggesting that your mother is terminally ill, but just saying that she may have her reasons that are nothing to do with you or your DS.

I think your relationship with your mum is key to all this. If you didn't have a really wonderful close relationship before you had your DS, it's unlikely to happen now you're a mum. It sounds like there is a huge communication gulf between the two of you and your mum isn't living up to your expectations.

Do you know why she didn't tell you she was getting married? I don't think that's a side issue at all - it sounds like there is a lot more underlying this whole thing.

" I get your points but none of it is actually advice on how to deal with this"
apologise to your mum?

OP, I think it's totally normal you're upset by your mum's lack of interest. I think there is a lot of hype about grandparents being besotted with their gc and you probably feel like your DC is missing out. Stories you hear from friends probably make you feel jealous and sad that your mum doesn't appear to be as committed as others. However, other posters point out this isn't always the case, and it may well change as your DC grows into a child/teenager/adult. Neither my parents and inlaws are too maternal and I'm being very careful not to expect too much when our first baby is born. My mum actually used to be a midwife but this doesn't mean she adores babies, and I know from her comments about friends that she feels many gp do far too much for their gc and are taken advantage of. I have no idea how much interest/help they will offer, but I will take the lead from them and try not to expect anything.

It's important to welcome any interest or help you are offered, and please try not to criticise her behaviour as it will make her feel like she can't do anything right. remember that she brought you up and has been a mother a lot longer than you - not saying she is right, just that parenting habits have changed and it can't be easy to be criticised by your own daughter.

I would try to build up your own support network with friends and take any chances offered for DS and gp to meet. Good luck.

I do feel upset and a bit jealous that friends have much more help etc from GPs than we do however right or wrong this might be. And I guess my expectations were (and are) too high about what would happen when DS was born. Just surprising given the enthusiasm for having a grandchild before one came along.

I know I have made her feel bad and like she can't do anything right which wasn't my intention. I will apologise for this but cannot help my feelings about the role I would have liked her to take as opposed to the one she is taking.

I understand some GPS see their GC much less and that there are also many GPs not around to see their GC. It is the same with my Father who I know would have loved my DS and spoiled him rotten - maybe that is the problem!?

I don't claim to have any more problems than the next person and know there are others worse off than myself in all respects. That is not what I wanted the post to be about and I apologise for coming across as selfish.
Just trying to deal with a few issues I have personally as as we all I'm sure.

I don't "expect" her to do anything

yes you do, re-read your OP. If I offered to look after my grandchild if I had one, and parent came back all huffy and said I wasnt doing a good enough job, I would say thats ok, you know best, you can carry on and wave ta-ta.

I can completely understand why you feel a bit unimportant to your mum, and that isn't necessarily a rational thing (coming around once a week is quite a lot). You see other grandparents helping out and of course that makes you reflect on your own experience, both as a child and for your own child.

However, rule no. 1 in encouraging greater participation in childcare is: don't criticize (unless they are doing something dangerous).

I have had the exact same experience, grandparents babysitting for first time, children not sleeping, come home to find them all awake at 10pm. Not my ideal night, but they had a great time, slept extra the next day and the grandparents are now taking them for a week at a time.

Building bridges is about everyone being open and less defensive, I think if you say to your mum, thanks so much for looking after DS, he had such a lovely time, ok, he ended up in the buggy, but never mind, it was great to get out, then she will be encouraged. You could still do that, even though you got a bit annoyed on the night.

Otherwise she will just see you as hyper-critical.

It's also true that relationships change over time, she might be finding the baby stage less than stimulating, many grandparents (and parents) start to excel once the children are a bit older, so don't write it all off yet.

I don't want a babysitter "on tap" just a little bit of free time for me and DH to go out once in a while

you had one, but they didnt do a good enough job, so you obviously wouldnt be happy with having a babysitter you werent 100% confident in so you have to take the consequences

It's not really about the watching TV and being asleep in the buggy. Its the being upset about the relationship I hoped DM would have with DS.
Judging by other posts though I can see once a week is a lot.
I did thank my Mum for looking after DS - it's not like I shouted at her and told her what a crap job she did. She asked if I was unhappy (the next night on the phone btw) and I said it's not what I would have done. I suppose she didn;t want us to come back and find DS awake and upset.

Will take on board the comments about buidling bridges.

Thank you.

If I was in your shoes, I would source a paid childcare solution and not worry about your DM. She has already raised you and it is up to her if she doesn't want to help raise her grandchild. I can see why it hurts you, but you can't change how people feel.

I am a SAHM to my three children including two preschoolers and I do not expect a regular break. They are my children and I should look after them.

I am lucky that my parents asked to take out the littlest tomorrow for a couple of hours and I am using the time to catch up with the ironing. No time for 'me time' when I have a busy house to run !

I think my 'me time' will be in 18 or so years time, LOL

babieseverywhere - see you in a Spa in 18 years then? (I'll look to haggered by then and will be past caring anyway)

Yorkie it is OK to feel jealous of other people's support they get from GPs. My great friend here has SO much support from MiL and her mum (which all come with their own suitcase of problems that she deals with!) and of course I feel green with envy but, and I'm sure you feel the same, I wouldn't NOT want that for her and am not bitter that I don't have it. It's just the way it is. I've vowed I'll be there more for DD but what's the bet she doesn't live anywhere near me and I can't...

SenoritaViva As long as this spa has plenty of wine/chocolate, book me in ;)