To be upset with my Mother for lack of interest in Granchild (my DS)?

[Yorkie1]

Havent been on Mumsnet in a while and very rarely post but I need some advice/other people's perspectives....however harsh they may be!!
I've bored my DH to death and haven't got friends readily available to rant to so this is my only way to let loose!

Am an only child. Mum is remarried (Dad died when I was young) and Im not close to other family members really in distance or otherwise. Dh hardly speaks to his Mother (whole other story!) and his 86 yr old Grandma is the only person we see regularly from his family. Obviously she can't do much to help with DS. I'm a SAHM and DS works away 2 days a week and from home the rest of the time running own business.

We moved a few years ago before DS was born - he's 13months now. This was to be near family for when we had children!! Mum was always hinting about Grandchildren but hardly over the moon when I was PG and didn't see her that much or get any help considering we only live 30mins away. At the end of being PG I had to go to hospital a couple of times for blood checks etc - asked her to come with me once when it was quite urgent and she had to wait until after her lunch!

DS had colic for first 4months but I hardly got any help and she never took him so I could have a break. I even had to cook Christmas dinner last year and they only stayed for 2hrs on Christmas Day.
There's been the odd times when she's come round while I take our dogs for a walk and we've been out on the odd occasions but she's never taken charge of looking after DS to give me a break or offered help.
We see her once a week for about an hour. She came on DS's 1st birthday for 30mins enroute to somewhere else. She is retired but has a hobby/business that she does on weekends and sometimes during the week that seems more important than us. She's never had DS overnight and only looked after him once during the day on our wedding anniversary. There are the odd offers to look after him/help but they're never followed up and I feel I shouldnt have to keep asking.

My stepdad has mobility issues but is not in a wheelchair and doesn't need 24hr care. She leaves him to pursue her hobby for long days but always uses the excuse she has to get back to see to him so can't stay long.

All got a bit heated yesterday as they babysat Saturday eve for 2hrs for the first time since DS was born. DS usually sleeps v well and occasionally cries but settles back to sleep quickly. However he didn't settle and she brought him downstairs to watch TV and put him back to sleep in his buggy downstairs! She didn't call us for ages to say there was a problem. I had to tell her I wasn't happy.

Anyway, sorry for long post. Think I probably am being unreasonable....it just feels like I am quite alone and is upsetting she doesn't seem to want to look after her Granchild much or spend time with him/me.

Any advice? Or just general views on what to do? I'm ready to be given a few tounge lashings too!

babieseverywhere ah yes, I might be looking like an old witch but I certainly won't have lost a love of those two things! You are a bright spark, even with babies everywhere..

I'm not bitter about the support other people get from their families. I think it's lovely they have it and they are very lucky. I am just sad I don't have the same but of course everyone is different and I Must learn to deal with that better in future!

I don't get much me time when DS is with DH or asleep. It is mainly spent doing housework etc (not as much as you SenoritaViva!) but it's just the time to go to the loo in peace that I appreciate!!
I am happy to look after my DS as I chose to have him. That's not what my post was meant to be about tho it looks like it came across that way.

Your mother runs a business and is also a carer to her husband, so, from her point of view, she must already be fairly busy and might be looking for 'me' time of her own. I think you need to ask her how she feels about this. Are her offers to babysit genuine or does she feel she has to offer out of duty? Make it clear you only want her to do so if she takes enjoyment from it, not to keep the peace, and take it from there.

With regards to wanting a regular, reliable babysitter at hand so you can have your own life: that's a very fair request, so just pay for one.

You can be besotted but not want to babysit.

My Mother does not run a full time business. It is a hobby. She is retired.
Obviously take on board the carer part though the hobby ALWAYS has time given to it despite her caring responsibilities.

I think she offers out of duty which is why she doesnt follow them up very often.

I take your point about paying for a babysitter. This was my first thought and should have been my last.

Yorkie1 - I get why you're upset - it is sad when your mother doesn't seem that interested in your child.

But there's one big thing you could do and that is to find a babysitter so you and DH can go out together and you're not reliant on your mother - I use sitters and they're fab.

And then just work on building your relationship with your mother - perhaps try and do something just the two of you.

Could also be that she's not that great with small toddlers and will be better as your DS gets older. Also she may feel that you're very fixed on routines and is scared of getting things wrong.

And I don't think you're wrong to want some 'me time' but my experience was it was necessary to pay for this in terms of nursery as at that time had no family nearby.

A few of my friends have huge amounts of support from GPs. My DS's closest friend stays over with (his sibling) at least twice a week with GPs and they clearly adore spending time together. My DS has started to ask why he doesn't see GPs; I can't make it happen and it isn't fair. It is sad to see that both sides are missing out on a close relationship.

I was with you until this bit DS usually sleeps v well and occasionally cries but settles back to sleep quickly. However he didn't settle and she brought him downstairs to watch TV and put him back to sleep in his buggy downstairs! She didn't call us for ages to say there was a problem. I had to tell her I wasn't happy

I think that you ruined your chances by saying that you were not happy about your ds in a buggy. I find nothing wrong with what your mum did. There was no problem, he settled in his buggy. There have been times when I did this when dd was little and then transferred her to her cot.

I understand the feeling that your DS should be more important to your DM than he seems to be. I think that's completely understandable. And I think wanting a bit of 'me time' is understandable too. But I don't think the two things are connected. But you know that.
My DM took very little interest in my DS for the first year or so, and has never babysat or so much as taken him for a walk on her own. I raised this with her and said how much I wanted her to be part of his life, for him to know who she is etc. She has made a lot more effort since then, nowhere near an hour a week, but much better than it was.
She absolutely does not need to look after him on her own to be part of his life and enjoy being with him.
Your feelings about other people getting help - I totally understand. I have had my son 24 hours a day 7 days a week for the whole of his 2 years. I've also had a DH in hospital on and off throughout that, with no help from anyone. It is doable. Sometimes it's easier to cope on your own than to worry about what other people can do for you. I think you have to adjust your expectations sometimes, to fit in with your circumstances and not compare what's going on with other people.

The problem you've got here as far as I'm concerned is that ou are muddling up your mother loving your son and being interereested in him (which I totally get and YANBU about that at all) with your constant repeating of the fact that it is you that wants help and support from your mother. - which is what makes people feel a bit cross.

You mention "help" from you rmother in every single post!

I think the thing is this: you can't make your mum be interested in your DS. If she's not, she's not, and however unreasonable it seems to you, she's not going to change her attitude just because you don't like it. Some grandparents are absolutely devoted to their grandchildren but get on their own kids' nerves by interfering too much or giving unwelcome device.

I don't think you should have told your mum off about putting him to sleep in his buggy. I agree it seems a weird thing to do but if you want to deter her from doing any more babysitting, you're going the right way about it.

I've just read back through the thread, and was wondering if there was something you mentioned, OP, that might be significant:

Mum was always hinting about Grandchildren

Could it be (and forgive me if I'm way off beam here) that you have always always had a tricky r/ship with your mother, and struggled to feel that she loves/approves/is proud/has enough time for you. Maybe you hoped that you having children would finally be the thing that made her happy, since she was putting so much pressure on you to have them, - it seemed so important to her. Could it be that you hoped that you and your mother could finally bond over your children, and she would become the loving, attentive mother you always hoped she would be?

I can understand why you would be hacked off with a mother who seemingly set so much store by you having children, and then has been insufficiently interested in them once they arrived.

Maybe a bit of a late response Tigermoll but I guess you are probably right in thinking I thought my Mum and I would be the perfect family once the Grandchild she seemed to want so much came along. Just goes to show how wrong you can be!
Hey ho. I have tried since the babysitting incident to spend time with her - it hasn't worked out too well so far. Will see how things go. Thanks for you're opinions and suggestions.

whoops - sorry for spelling error. I meant your not you're.
Been a long day!