To be upset with my Mother for lack of interest in Granchild (my DS)?

[Yorkie1]

Havent been on Mumsnet in a while and very rarely post but I need some advice/other people's perspectives....however harsh they may be!!
I've bored my DH to death and haven't got friends readily available to rant to so this is my only way to let loose!

Am an only child. Mum is remarried (Dad died when I was young) and Im not close to other family members really in distance or otherwise. Dh hardly speaks to his Mother (whole other story!) and his 86 yr old Grandma is the only person we see regularly from his family. Obviously she can't do much to help with DS. I'm a SAHM and DS works away 2 days a week and from home the rest of the time running own business.

We moved a few years ago before DS was born - he's 13months now. This was to be near family for when we had children!! Mum was always hinting about Grandchildren but hardly over the moon when I was PG and didn't see her that much or get any help considering we only live 30mins away. At the end of being PG I had to go to hospital a couple of times for blood checks etc - asked her to come with me once when it was quite urgent and she had to wait until after her lunch!

DS had colic for first 4months but I hardly got any help and she never took him so I could have a break. I even had to cook Christmas dinner last year and they only stayed for 2hrs on Christmas Day.
There's been the odd times when she's come round while I take our dogs for a walk and we've been out on the odd occasions but she's never taken charge of looking after DS to give me a break or offered help.
We see her once a week for about an hour. She came on DS's 1st birthday for 30mins enroute to somewhere else. She is retired but has a hobby/business that she does on weekends and sometimes during the week that seems more important than us. She's never had DS overnight and only looked after him once during the day on our wedding anniversary. There are the odd offers to look after him/help but they're never followed up and I feel I shouldnt have to keep asking.

My stepdad has mobility issues but is not in a wheelchair and doesn't need 24hr care. She leaves him to pursue her hobby for long days but always uses the excuse she has to get back to see to him so can't stay long.

All got a bit heated yesterday as they babysat Saturday eve for 2hrs for the first time since DS was born. DS usually sleeps v well and occasionally cries but settles back to sleep quickly. However he didn't settle and she brought him downstairs to watch TV and put him back to sleep in his buggy downstairs! She didn't call us for ages to say there was a problem. I had to tell her I wasn't happy.

Anyway, sorry for long post. Think I probably am being unreasonable....it just feels like I am quite alone and is upsetting she doesn't seem to want to look after her Granchild much or spend time with him/me.

Any advice? Or just general views on what to do? I'm ready to be given a few tounge lashings too!

If you see her once a week then that's pretty good but I think your expectations are too high tbh :( My parents are amazing but never offer to look after DS, I have to ask (and I'm on my own 24/7, I don't have a partner. Thanks for the medal )

I think it's a real shame what happened on Saturday - if you want her to spend more time with him, you need to let her look after him how she deems fit (within reason). Would you consider calling her to apologise to try and smooth things over or is that out of the question?

As tigermoll said, it seems like your relationship is quite complex and difficult in lots of ways so I think it's unrealistic to expect it to suddenly become like the Waltons once you have a baby.

OP your original message reads like you just expected her to help more and would like more practical assistance from her which is coming over as a bit demanding, but I am wondering if the issue really is that you are hurt that she is not more engaged and interested in your baby.

My PIL live a couple of hours away, so not there much for practical help and therefore, we never expected any. But the bad part is that they are just not at all interested in my DD. My DH is really deeply upset that they are so disinterested - they have seen her three times in two years when we have more or less forced a visit on them. They are both in good health in early sixties, so its more about that they are just busy with their own lives. I really feel for my DH, who sees my parents really engaged (although they are 3 hours away too) and interested while his didnt even remember her first birthday. Horrible for him and I understand why you are hurt at the lack of interest.

A lot of people have supportive family who help them, but many of us dont have practical help and support and do look after our children 24/7 7 days a week - I agree its hard work. Its just difficult if you expected more help and if you moved nearby to get that extra help.

Do you have your child 24hrs a day 7 days a week tigermoll?

I don't have kids. Mostly cos I find the idea of having to look after them for hours on end unbearable.

I have 2 dogs and I pay someone to walk them on the days my DH is away as it is harder for me to do so. I don't see this as being irresponsible, quite the opposite. I would have thought it would be better to have them walked that leave them all day without excersise?

It is not at all irresponsible. You have sorted out a trained professional to walk your dogs, because you understand that you can't always do it yourself, and because it would be too much of a favour to ask someone to do unpaid. Ditto childcare. If you want a break you either have to pay someone, or find a WILLING friend/relative. You shouldn't just expect help, any more than you would expect someone to walk your dogs.

I think you need to focus on getting the childcare balance better between yourself and your DH, rather than expecting your mum to taken on a carer's role. Managing a baby when there are two adults in the house isn't that difficult. Surely your DH could look after the baby while you had some time to yourself. Your DH only works away from home for 2 days out of 7 after all.

"...she doesn't seem to want to look after her Granchild much or spend time with him/me." Normally people would say that their mum doesn't want to spend time with their grandson let alone look after them! I think deep down you expected your mum to take on a big chunk of bringing up your DS.

Yorkie, I do understand how you feel but you are now doing yourself no favours by arguing with the people who think you are being unreasonable. The thing is, on here you ask for opinions and when you get them you have to accept them even if they're not what you want to hear!

My opinion (for what it's worth, which isn't much as I don't have kids) is that she might not think she can do much right around you so isn't around too much. My mum and dad and I once looked after my twin nephews for the evening when they were 8 months old. They'd never been with us at bedtime before, and were going through a very sicky phase. (we later found out they were allergic to the milk they were on). They screamed all night, projectile vomited a few times, my sister and her husband were unreachable as it was before mobile phones, and we had a hellish evening with them. When my sis returned they were dozing on my mum and me, downstairs on the sofa. There was no way we were going to risk waking them to move them upstairs. If my sister had dared to complain I don't think I would have spoken to her for months!

I'm a routine freak so taking my baby from his bed to "watch tv" in his pram would have riled me. I don't allow anyone to babysit until the routine is fool proof.

Ok. I get your points but none of it is actually advice on how to deal with this. Just seems like a bit of a rant at me for being a bad person hoping for some help once in a while.

Lying - what is a reasonable amount of time to spend with a grandchild in your opinion? I appreciate some grandparents don't see their Grandchildren very often but that could be due to many factors.

I don't really see how I can sort things out with my Mum when I hardly ever see her. When I do see her DS is usually there and she doesn't have time to have a proper conversation. There always seems to be something more important for her to do so maybe I ought to just leave things as they are and be grateful for what I've got - which I am actually even though it seems like you all think I'm a selfish cow.

I look after my child 24/7. I don't deserve a medal. I do deserve lots of cuddles and kisses and to see my child happy. That's reward enough.

You said you were ready for 'tongue lashings'...yet really dislike being disagreed with, however gently.

I think if you want her to sit for you again you need to apologise and hope. Beyond that, I don't think she can change her.

If it hadn't been for the comment about her babysitting and then you complaining, then I'd have been with you fully. You've kicked yourself in the foot therefore, both with her and on this thread

Yorkie... You make it sound very, very rigid, a bit contract-like almost. I find that bizaree. Your mother visits once per week, no? I think that's quite reasonable - more than many other posters have.

If you take the 'childcare' element out and let your mother maybe take your son out for a treat or sit on the floor and play with him without you hovvering over her, maybe she would enjoy that and do it more often?

You say "I don't really see how I can sort things out with my Mum when I hardly ever see her"... well make time. You make the first move. Your husband can look after your child whilst you're visiting your mum. Why is it down to her alone? She comes to see you - when do you go and see her, just the two of you if things need sorting out?

You're not a 'selfish cow' but I think that you are fixated on the way things should be in your eyes and anything else is unacceptable. Make an effort yourself - do something for your mum once in a while, with no strings.... you're a two-parent family and your husband isn't at work all the time. You could fix this if you want to - or at least give it a jolly good try. The question is.... do you want to?

I do appreciate that other people have their opinion and I did expect to get some harsh comments on this. I don't want to argue with anyone, just put across my opinion and thoughts and try and show that I am not someone trying to get someone else to look after my child cos I can't be arsed. That is not the case at all.

Reading it all back I think I should have put that I was more upset by the lack of interest in her spending time with DS rather than the looking after. DH and I do take equal turns in caring for DS so we can both have some time so there isn't an issue there, it is just nice to have someone (if possible) to help out so that we can spend some time together occasionally. Don't really get what's wrong with that.

I did appreciate the babysitting and guess it wouldn't have been a problem if Mum knew us and the routine better which is obviously my fault for not showing her what might help him get back to sleep without bringing him downstairs to watch TV. I am very aware I am to blame for a lot of this too.

It seems to me - and I don't mean this to sound harsh. But you don't really want your mother to take an interest in your baby for either of their sakes but so that you can have some help for yourself.

Grandparents aren't under obligation to be free childminders / babysitters you know!

I think its a shame when gps dont bother and it doesnt sound like your mum is too interested. You always get people on these threads coming on saying its normal ot to have much help or see the gps that frequently, but I dont think it is. I think its a real shame if the gps dont want to do anything and feel sorry for people in this situation.

Is there no chace your husband can have yoru kids for teh days/nights and you can go out with your mum? My mum and me go out for lunch/evening meal, cosmetic events, shopping, theatre etc. Then I get time alone with her. She then does school drop offs every day for me and then weekends or maybe a nights sleep over in the week as well. That way everyone gets time with everyone and me and her get to have fun together without kids to.

I have done many things for my mother and stepdad in the past and recently so I think that without knowing my circumstances I can't be judged on that.

I do "let" my mother take him out or sit and play with him, she just doesn't ever seem to want to. And I don't hover over them at all. What makes you think I do?!

I don't want to argue anyway. I will probably sort this out one way or another. I'll be more careful when considering posting in future. It seems parenting is such a huge can of worms and obviously everyone does it very differently.

Thanks Molly.

I have asked Mum to do stuff alone but she is always busy with other stuff or looking after my stepdad - which I completely understand she has to do.

Yorkie... drop the word 'routine' from your vocabulary when you are asking a friend or relative to look after your child. Your routine is really of no consequence to anybody but you. Let your mother have her own time with you child, doing what she wants to do with him. She isn't a stranger to babies and you don't need to 'instruct' her.

It sounds as if you have little competition, almost, going with yourself and your mum but in your head only?

Stop stipulating, accept help if offered and trust the person enough to let them get on with looking after your chlid. If you don't trust them to have commonsense enough - well YOU and husband look after him then.

it is just nice to have someone (if possible) to help out so that we can spend some time together occasionally. Don't really get what's wrong with that.

Wanting to have time to yourself: not unreasonable
Deciding that your mother (or anyone else) ought to want to look after your child so you can have this time: unreasonable.

If you want some child-free time, either pay someone to do it, or find someone willing to do it for free. But you can't just expect that someone SHOULD look after your child, even if they are your mother.

I do want her to take an interest in him for both their sakes as I feel it is sad that they won't know each other if they don't spend much time together.
The time for myself is just a bonus.

If that was my sole reason I would just let anyone look after him or could sort out a nursery or childminder as it would be easier.

I said that you 'hovver' because you had the audacity to criticise your mother for the way she looked after her son. I wouldn't offer again if I were her either.

Nevermind though. Pat, pat, there, there.... of course you're hard done by and oh so righteous...

YANBU for wanting your mother to take more interest in your DS, although once a week is pretty good going I would have thought. Only you can judge how enthusiastic she is about spending time with your DS.

YABU about the babysitting on Sat evening. As long as your DS was happy and not crying does it matter so much that he didn't go back to his cot?

We've had about 2 nights out in 3yrs since we had DS now 3 and DD now 15 months. Our parents live 5 hours away. So we do look after them all the time.
My in-laws looked after them a month ago for a coupel of hours in the evening. DD woke up and FIL took her out in the pram to get her to sleep. Didn't work as it was noisy outside with fireworks, so she was awake when we came, but happy, so wasn't an issue at all.

Part of the "wonderful" relationship that successful grandparents have with their grandchildren involves letting them do stuff the parents don't. If MIL looks after my DCs of an evening I know she will let them stay up far too late (and they will be tired the next day) and feed them crap. I don't have much of a routine, but even what I do have she blows completely out of the water. But they are potty about each other and that's far more important.

In terms of what you can do, start by apologising profusely for criticising her over the baby sitting. Can you think of something your mother likes to do and invite her to come and do it with you and your DS (for example, thinking of my mother and my local area, a trip to Kew Gardens). If you can find nice stuff for the three of you to do together all your relationships should improve. Or she may just not be interested in that -- in which case, the hour a week plus occasional babysitting that you have at the moment really isn't bad at all.

Not "ought" to want to spend time with him. Would like to spend time with him as she is his grandmother and hopefully loves him.
As I said before I can pay someone but surely it's better if you have a family member or friend who can do it/is willing to do it.

14 months. You want the best for them; you know what is best for then; and you know that watching TV late at night and then dozing in the buggy downstairs is NOT best for them.

However, you should have let this slide. It was a rare occurence that your mother babysits and you may have made her even less inclined to babysit in future. How about gritting your teeth and apologising to your mother for saying something to her and explain that you are simply one for routine. Ask her if she might consider doing it again, when it wold suit her, and promise you won't a word to her but would appreciate she tries to stick with the routine.

I am so sorry that your mother does seem disinterested. My beloved mother died before DS was born and there is not a day that passes that makes me sad at one point to think of how much she would have cherished my DS.

I do find it utterly bizarre to think of a mother not being aboslutely besotted with her first grandchild. I think to the future and I imagine my grandchildren and I would so love to be involved as much as my child and his / her partner would want me to be!

Good luck and don't let some of the posters rile you. Not worth it

Yorkie, thats what I thought, that you are most upset at the lack of interest and I do really understand that.

I think you just have to accept that for the time being your expectations and your mother's are different. You say she sees your DS once a week, so she is building that relationship with him, although perhaps more slowly than you would have liked - she perhaps thinks that she devotes a lot of time. I think my DH and I have been out four times since my DD was born (all courtesty of my father being kind enough to babysit when we stayed there) and it is hard, its also hard to accept that they do things differently (last time we got back at 11 to find him bouncing my daughter up and down on the trampoline he had just bought. When we left she was fast asleep and she never wakes up so my father looked very guilty when he said she woke up and asked for "bouncing").

Try to appreciate what help you do have from her (I know its not a competition, but it is a lot more than some people have), let go a little bit of the past resentment and perhaps in time the relationship will grow into what you hope for.