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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be peeved at the lack of interest in my Christmas birthday?

83 replies

wideawakenurse · 26/11/2011 17:20

My birthday falls on the 22nd of December. I am pretty used to it being a bit of a non-event, given how close it is to Xmas.

DH will be working away for it this year, but the day itself falls on one of my days off from work. Our local toddler group that we go to on a Thursday will be closed.

We have had a bit of a difficult year with illness etc, and by then I'll be 28 weeks pregnant too.

I mentioned today to my mother it would be great to see her and my father that day. They do make the journey to us by train (takes 1hour) as they hate driving round the M25. I explained it would be lovely to see them and we could all, including my DS, go out for lunch together.

Straight away her response, was "Well, its far too close to Christmas" to do that". I sort of joked that, yes it was near xmas, as it always is every year, but it would be lovely to celebrate it. The last time I went out for my birthday was 5 years ago for my 30th. She pretty much dismissed the idea, and made me feel as if I was asking too much and that it was somehow my fault it's so near Christmas.

AIBU to be hurt by this? Funnily enough DS's birthday is near Christmas too and I can't ever imagine putting in the same effort for him as I would if he had a birthday at any other time of the year.

OP posts:
ChocHobNob · 26/11/2011 17:25

DS has his birthday near Christmas too and I've always said it wont get overlooked. Have you explained to them how you feel? Could you go and visit them instead?

Portofino · 26/11/2011 17:27

Could you go to them? I think for adults all birthdays between 21 and 40 are not really worthy of a big fuss. Though it's nice if people send a card etc.

Original poster
wideawakenurse · 26/11/2011 17:28

It's tricky Choc, the journey is a bit tricky with DS as he is not great at staying in his buggy for the length of the journey and I won't have the car with me. They travel for free as well, and on the whole don't mind the journey.

Telling them how I feel? Oh, now that would open a can of worms! I would never be able to tell either of them something hurts. The fallout would be too much to bear.

OP posts:
PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 26/11/2011 17:29

I guess YANBU since it is "your parent's fault" so to speak. What a shame they can't/won't make a bit of an effort for you :( I hope you have a lovely birthday anyway!

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 26/11/2011 17:29

I'll be 25+2 on my birthday, which is xmas eve. No plans as yet. Not that anyone is ever free to do stuff on my birthday, I'm sadly used to it :(

Although my mum did insist when I was a child that anyone paying my birthday less attention would be hanged, drawn and quartered, so at least it was okay as a child... :)

Daftapath · 26/11/2011 17:29

My birthday is usually a bit of a non-event and it is in April Smile My parents and family wouldn't ever think to make the journey to visit just for my birthday

I think once you become an adult and have children, then that is often the case.

Can you arrange to see some friends instead?

Original poster
wideawakenurse · 26/11/2011 17:31

I think that the thing that hurts the most Pom, is that it'll be the same old day for me. I have no other childcare help, and local friends are either working or away. So it'll be the usual day of running around after a toddler, pregnant and knackered!

OP posts:
PersonalClown · 26/11/2011 17:32

Major sympathy here. I'm the 27th here and mine is forgotten most years as well.
Last year was the worst. My family, including my brothers and parents just dropped the cards through the door without even a knock.
Sucks, doesn't it?

Original poster
wideawakenurse · 26/11/2011 17:34

Yep, it does Grin.

I think its a shame as I make a real effort for other birthdays. DH's is high summer, so we always have a BBQ or day at the seaside. This year for my Mother I did a 'pretend' high tea at home of home made cakes etc and some bubbly. I like to inject a little magic into birthdays.

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 26/11/2011 17:35

If you normally go to a toddler group, do you have friends from that who'll be at a loose end just before Christmas, could you invite some over for a playdate and say "it's my birthday so I'll have some cake too." I would put money on them making a fuss.

Hersetta · 26/11/2011 17:35

Maybe I'm so old now and have become hardened but to me birthdays are pretty irrelevent - I personally don't care if I just spent the day with just my DH - I have even had to work 14 hr days on my birthday, I really don't care. i think once you are past 18 or so they really shouldn't be a big deal, so i do think YAB (a bit) U.

My DH's birthday is Xmas Day and although he does spend it with his family, his birthday is all but forgotten and as we and his brother have, between us, 4 kids under 5, the day is really about them. You do at least get a seperate day to enjoy your birthday.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 26/11/2011 17:36

YABU. I agree with Porto that adult birthdays are really just like any other day, except perhaps for cards etc.

PontyMython · 26/11/2011 17:36

It's horrible when your parents don't seem to give a monkeys about your birthday. Mine is early December and was always a non event although so was Xmas - they just couldn't be bothered. It isn't about presents, I just wanted to celebrate.

ramblinrose · 26/11/2011 17:36

My birthday is the middle of June.
It's been a non event for a number of years now Sad

squeakytoy · 26/11/2011 17:38

I would never be able to tell either of them something hurts. The fallout would be too much to bear.

Why would it? If something hurts you, you tell the person. It can be done politely. But speak up for yourself!

PontyMython · 26/11/2011 17:39

I don't suppose it matters that much when you're an adult, I for one am happy with very little now, but when birthdays remind you of a childhood when your parents didn't care about your birthday, it can still rankle.

Original poster
wideawakenurse · 26/11/2011 17:39

Ok, maybe I need to man up a bit.

If its any consolation I have worked plenty of 12 hour days on by birthday and Xmas day over the years. Am working late on Xmas eve this year. Maybe thats why I am a bit miffed as its rare for me not to be working.

OP posts:
Hassled · 26/11/2011 17:40

I think you should tell them how they've made you feel. Because a) it's shit of them and b) if you don't tell them it's shit of them, this will just carry on.

My BIL's birthday is 26/12 - we still all make a bit of a fuss of him. We probably over-compensate so he doesn't feel too sidelined by Christmas.

Geordieminx · 26/11/2011 17:41

mines is the 29th, total non event. always

It's cold, 4 days after Christmas and no one can ever be arsed. Even when I was a kid money was shoved in a card, for me to get something nice in the sales, which never happened as the shops always full of shite.

Rant over Grin

DoMeDon · 26/11/2011 17:42

YABU - you expect them to come to you 3 days before xmas when it is a nightmare travelling anyway. If you are that fussed go to them and put up with the buggy problem or find something else to do with your DS. Failing that- celebrate on a different day, don't make this into an issue where you feel hurt and wounded, look for a positive.

tiredteddy · 26/11/2011 17:42

I think it's shame. We may all be grown ups now but birthdays are only once a year so if we can't or wont make the effort to go out for lunch it's a little Bit U! we have lots of Xmas birthdays I our family. Mum on 24 th dec, SiL on 26th dec and Sis on 27th. Between the two sides if the family we always do something special. It's not fair otherwise. So I do not think YABU at all. call some friends and arrange lunch with them Smile

Original poster
wideawakenurse · 26/11/2011 17:43

Oh squeaky that is a tricky one.

I have had a lifetime of feeling responsible for my Mother's happiness. She does not take any sort of criticism at all well. She would pretty much tell me how hurtful I'm being, how I can I say this etc.

Followed by a phone call from my Father telling me that I am making my mother ill.

The stress that this causes me is dreadful, DH despairs of it. So it's far easier to leave it.

OP posts:
PamBeesly · 26/11/2011 17:44

when you go to the effort for someone elses birthday its nice that they do the same for you. My birthday is in December too (the 7th though) and my youngest brother is the 12th and we always had a 'joint' cake on the 12th... I was Hmm about it. I'll be 28 weeks pregnant this birthday too! :) Come on mumsnet that day and we'll all give you virtual hugs :)

PamBeesly · 26/11/2011 17:47

You are so not responsible for your mothers happiness! What a burden thats placed on you. If my father said that to me I'd tell him to f off....but I'm a brat like that. You are only responsible for your own happiness OP x

randommoment · 26/11/2011 17:47

Yanbu that your mum seemed to imply it was your own fault you were born three days before Christmas. But grown-up birthdays are a bit of a non-event unless they have a zero at the end (and I can't bear them anyway, and have a biggie for the one after.) Have a lovely day anyway!

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