To be peeved at the lack of interest in my Christmas birthday?

[wideawakenurse]

My birthday falls on the 22nd of December. I am pretty used to it being a bit of a non-event, given how close it is to Xmas.

DH will be working away for it this year, but the day itself falls on one of my days off from work. Our local toddler group that we go to on a Thursday will be closed.

We have had a bit of a difficult year with illness etc, and by then I'll be 28 weeks pregnant too.

I mentioned today to my mother it would be great to see her and my father that day. They do make the journey to us by train (takes 1hour) as they hate driving round the M25. I explained it would be lovely to see them and we could all, including my DS, go out for lunch together.

Straight away her response, was "Well, its far too close to Christmas" to do that". I sort of joked that, yes it was near xmas, as it always is every year, but it would be lovely to celebrate it. The last time I went out for my birthday was 5 years ago for my 30th. She pretty much dismissed the idea, and made me feel as if I was asking too much and that it was somehow my fault it's so near Christmas.

AIBU to be hurt by this? Funnily enough DS's birthday is near Christmas too and I can't ever imagine putting in the same effort for him as I would if he had a birthday at any other time of the year.

My birthday is on the 19th and is a bit of a family joke I'm such a control freak about it ( start planning from September...!) but that is the result of many years of people being busy, places full etc so I have to get in early!

As an adult now ( allegedly ) I'm more laid-back about things but as a child it hurt receiving multipack Christmas cards that say ps happy birthday, presents wrapped in Christmas paper, cheap tat that is a joint present, turkey being the only thing on the menu..... Now I'm more philosophical and think that at least it's before Christmas so most people are up for a party rather than after when everyone is broke and on a diet!

It's your birthday so do things with the kids you all enjoy doing; have a bath together, lunch somewhere child friendly, make your birthday cake?!

Whatever you do hope you have a great one and remember it's your parents that are missing out, not having the relationship they could have with their amazing daughter!

You know you are really NOT being unreasonable to expect some kind of attention from your family. My bday is just before Christmas and DH's just after and our families make sure to make a fuss of us. Nothing fancy just a family dinner, cake with candles and pressies- we say it's for the children, excuse to get all the little cousins together but really it's lovely to be treated esp as a mum when every other day is about your DC's. So you have my sympathies even as a parent you are still your parents child. Hope you have a lovely day

But the fact is that you are an adult and you ARE allowed to say 'no' should you choose too. You don't have to live your entire life on the one hand being scared to upset your parents if you don't do what they want and on the other hand getting upset when they don't do what you want. It isn't healthy. You need to start with yourself and your dp and your child as your 'happiness group' because that is the one you have moved on to, as an adult. Tiptoeing around your parents on the one hand, yet being sort of needy of them on the other is never going to breed happiness - but as an adult you can reshape your rleationship with them in a way that you were unable to do as a child.

Sorry - I don't want to sound harsh and I really apologise if that comes across that way - but you are in control of the way you react here, not them.

Scuse typos.

No Remus not harsh, totally get where you are coming from.

Flogging - just re-read my original post, that was a typo! I meant to say I "I can't not ever imagine putting in the same effort for him", as in I would want him to have a fab birthday regardless of the date.

However, I do concede that naturally there is less emphasis on this as you become older.

As I have already said I think my feelings go a bit deeper than the birthday at face value.

Please don't take this unkindly as it's not intended that way but tbh my birthday is in the middle of May and my relatives honestly don't care all that muhc about my birthday. I'm single and childless so there is no one to care about my birthday other than mum, etc. But she says words to the effect of "what does anyone really do on their birthday at your age." She's right.

We're grown adults, it is not a landmark birthday. You say the last time you went out for your birthday it was your 30th, well join the club!!! I went out for my 30th but didn't do anything much even for 18 and 21...

We're grown adults, it's nice to get a card and maybe a gift but other than that so what.... I'm getting to the age where I'd rather forget birthdays.

cat64 - I take your point but the point I was trying to make ( and badly) was that people had already been sent a date and said they could make it; it has been later that they have decided to let Christmas linked events take priority. It is only if you have the Dec or Jan birthday that you have to put up with ''oh its too near to Christmas'' , like the OP has had to
I personally don't see the point of celebrating a birthday if it is not near the actual day eg one of the week-ends either side.

idlingabout - there is no way I'd miss my child's carol concert so I could go to an adult friend's party, even one I'd already said I'd go to. I mean seriously? Would you do that to your child?

OP - write down exactly what your mum said about not coming to see you on your birthday. Next time she expects you to attend an event of hers, repeat the words back. Then tell her you are quoting her own words. Then put the phone down and open the wine.

I felt so much better about my parent's lack of interest in me, once I'd given myself permission to show an identical lack of interest in them.