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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be peeved at the lack of interest in my Christmas birthday?

83 replies

wideawakenurse · 26/11/2011 17:20

My birthday falls on the 22nd of December. I am pretty used to it being a bit of a non-event, given how close it is to Xmas.

DH will be working away for it this year, but the day itself falls on one of my days off from work. Our local toddler group that we go to on a Thursday will be closed.

We have had a bit of a difficult year with illness etc, and by then I'll be 28 weeks pregnant too.

I mentioned today to my mother it would be great to see her and my father that day. They do make the journey to us by train (takes 1hour) as they hate driving round the M25. I explained it would be lovely to see them and we could all, including my DS, go out for lunch together.

Straight away her response, was "Well, its far too close to Christmas" to do that". I sort of joked that, yes it was near xmas, as it always is every year, but it would be lovely to celebrate it. The last time I went out for my birthday was 5 years ago for my 30th. She pretty much dismissed the idea, and made me feel as if I was asking too much and that it was somehow my fault it's so near Christmas.

AIBU to be hurt by this? Funnily enough DS's birthday is near Christmas too and I can't ever imagine putting in the same effort for him as I would if he had a birthday at any other time of the year.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 26/11/2011 17:49

Sounds like you need to learn how to tolerate other peoples unhappiness. The effort you go to for others birthdays makes it sound like you are a bit of a people pleaser. I may be totally wrong of course but struggling with upsetting people goes hand in hand with that.

Take the initiative for yourself and put yourself first. There are other places you can go and you will have a good time if you are set on it. Make this birthday the year you did things differently, stop waiting for someone else to put you first.

Original poster
wideawakenurse · 26/11/2011 17:50

Thank you for all responses.

Pam, our relationship is something I am trying to come to terms with, and trying to have some acceptance that it will never be how I want/need it to be.

OP posts:
Gillybobs · 26/11/2011 17:50

Im very lucky to have parents who wouldnt dream of missing my birthday, they do live locally but Im absolutely certain a 1hr train journey wouldnt be too much effort for them. I know for a fact I will be the same with my 2.

My MIL on the other hand (who lives a ten minute journey away) often misses DH's birthday or drops a card in whilst she knows we will be out at work. She sometimes doesnt bother coming to see my 2 DSs on Xmas day, maybe popping in on 27th for ten mins. I dont understand it. We are all she has. And we visit her regularly and always make a fuss for her birthday/mothers day etc. I used to get really angry and hurt for DH but he was puzzled by my reaction. He was used to it. My surprise/upset was just rubbing salt in his wound : (

It puzzles me that people dont think you should make a tiny bit of effort on one day a year for someone you care for's birthday. No matter what age they are.

YANBU at all!

Original poster
wideawakenurse · 26/11/2011 17:51

You have me sussed DoMeDon!

OP posts:
AntPants1 · 26/11/2011 17:52

Sweetheart it matters to you so it matters. The people who love you the most should want you to be happy. You don't have to make a big deal about it but you should definately feel entitled to have a chat with your parents, who love you, about how you feel. As I said you don't have to make it a big deal but just let them know that you would appreciate seeing them. It does not matter how "grown up " we are supposed to be. We all like a bit of fuss every now and again. So ring them up. Say that you would love to see them. It would be such a treat as it is not often you have managed to have to have the day off off your birthday. And tell them that it would be a lovely way to start the festive season....

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 26/11/2011 17:57

Are there any friends to invite round for a takeaway dinner? Ok you can't have alcohol but you can have cake!

PamBeesly · 26/11/2011 18:02

OP honestly, that is very hard to come to terms with. I had lots of counselling due to my own ishoos with parents and the biggest thing I had took away from it was: I can only control my own part of the relationship. That really helped me. It was empowering to be made feel like an equal adult who was worthy of her feelings. Now I have a great relationship with my mother (none whatsoever with my father) on MY terms. She seems happy with it too, but I don't try to make her happy, no one can do that except herself. It helps to take a step back from them and concentrate on your own life/happiness.

DoMeDon · 26/11/2011 18:06

It is far more useful to accept them as they are - they will not change through wishing it or pushing it. They are missing out by being emotionally stunted- missing the deep connections made through caring and empathy.

Take your DS out somewhere really nice for lunch, just 2 of you and watch a family movie on sofa in the afternoon. Find a childminder/babysitter and relax by yourself. Make yourselves a teddy bear tea with all your favourite sandwiches. Think hard and something you like will come to you.

A lot can be gained from switching your energy from fretting over what you haven't got to enjoying what you have got. Realistically we are all blessed to get another birthday, even if you find a positive in that alone it it worth it.

lynds1 · 26/11/2011 18:13

I don't think yabu at all. Fine, some people don't celebrate adult birthdays, that's up to them. You do celebrate them and make a fuss of everyone elses so why shouldn't you expect that to be reciprocated? If you really can't talk to your parents about it & they don't change their minds, plan to make the day as lovely as you can. Take your ds out for lunch, have a glass of wine. Do some shopping & buy yourself something nice. Then pack your ds off to bed & watch your favourite DVD with a takeaway. Ok, it's not the same as being made a fuss of by others - but make a fuss of yourself :-)

LydiaWickham · 26/11/2011 18:21

Another suggestion, can you book a babysitter for the day/afternoon and book yourself in for an afternoon in a spa having 'mum to be' pampering?

And stop making a fuss for your mum's birthday, remember she doesn't think it's a big deal.

LydiaWickham · 26/11/2011 18:22

Fuck it, I'm so upset at your lack of birthday (DS was a christmas baby, I'd hate him to miss out on birthdays because it's close to christmas) - are you in West Kent? I'll buy you a cake and sing happy birthday to you!

GoEasyPudding · 26/11/2011 18:52

My Grandfather in law will be 92 on the 23rd of December. He is still cross about it being near to christmas and the childhood birthdays he had when people give him a joint gift!

I think no matter what time of year your b-day is its super important to arrange your own fun for the big day.

I never rely on other people to make a fuss. I have a good think about what I can do to make it fun and special for me. I have adapted it according to my personal circumstances each time.

Like a lot of other posters here have said make a fuss of yourself and get some plans in place for a good day! I like the sound of the takeaway and dvd in the evening that lynds1 suggested. That would be a takeaway that delivers of course! So thats the evening sorted out. Lovely! Now get to thinking up a storm about what cake you will have, where will you buy it? How much of it will you eat in one go at tea time?

During the day? mmmmm? You tell us!

Original poster
wideawakenurse · 26/11/2011 18:52

Thank you all again.

Ah, Lydia that is a kind gesture but no I am nowhere near Kent. I really appreciate the offer though.

I guess that this goes deeper than just the birthday thing, and some of the comments have really struck a chord with me, especially around trying to make everything 'magical and 'special' for others. I think I am trying to fill a hole left from my childhood. Sad

But yes, I am going to look on the bright side and make the best of it because I doubt my parents are going to come up trumps.

Babysitter is a bit out of the question, my issue though as DS has multiple serious allergies and I find leaving him with anyone other than the nursery staff rather unnerving. However, I'll take him out for lunch in the day and then have an evening of bathing, take awaying and a glass of wine. I'll make the best of it.

More importantly, I'll remember this for DS, and make sure he never feels like this about me.

Thanks for all your advice, who would have thought AIBU would have come up with all that? Smile

OP posts:
cakeismysaviour · 26/11/2011 19:00

Mine is Christmas day! However, nobody would dare forget that it is my birthday as well as Christmas day. My tip is to be foreful/nag people/mention your birthday periodically thoughout the year until they are all fed up of hearing about it. As a teenager child I would cross out the words 'Christmas Day' on all diaries and calenders and write 'Cake's Birthday' in big letters instead. Grin Blush Very childish, but as a result my birthday is never left ignored even though now.

Hope you manage to get something sorted. :(

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 26/11/2011 19:03

I'll assume from the M25 comment that you're no-where near me either, we could have had a joint birthday/pregnancy/mothers&toddlers get-together Grin

Quite like the idea of mum-to-be pampering, might steal that one for myself. Not sure I could do it on my birthday though...

Wideawake Hope you have a great birthday regardless of peoples selfishness :)

GoEasyPudding · 26/11/2011 19:03

If you make things magical for others you MUST make it so for yourself too!

Promise me you will get yourself a cake AND pop a candle in it. Its fun to make a wish on your birthday because you know it its not true but in that tiny moment the candle smokes up, you think "ooooo, that could happen!" Your DS will love to see you do that!

Lunch with DS will be lovely too, well done.

You know what else you can do, when DH returns from his working away you get to have another offical birthday number two! Do it all again! Lunch, & takeaway. Its sooo much fun to make things happen for yourself with the excuse "its my birthday!!"

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 26/11/2011 19:04

Cake you've reminded me, my mum tells me I used to sulk every year on boxing day as it is my nans anniversary and she got cards and presents and I didnt, even though I had for the previous two days Grin
I used to insist that when I was bigger, I'd get married on boxing day too... I didnt

Original poster
wideawakenurse · 26/11/2011 19:05

Yes, you're right I need to make it happen for myself.

I promise to do the cake and candle thing. I will buy a posh cake from a posh cake shop.

OP posts:
cakeismysaviour · 26/11/2011 19:09

Beyond - My cousins used to sulk at me getting birthday presents as well as my Christmas presents (I always insisted on seperate presents). I used to gloat like mad! Grin

GoEasyPudding · 26/11/2011 19:15

Excellent excellent! The plan is evolving nicely, sounds like you will have such a cool day!

I always feel mischievous when I go about planning my birthday events and treats.... . In my head I'm saying "I can have that... that... AND that IF I wanted to, because... its my birthday"
Its a good time to buy yourself the random thing you wanted but have put off getting because its silly or not really needed.
I am not talking about spending loads of money either or doing glamorous things....just doing stuff that fits in with current circumstances really and things that could make you smile.

deliciousdevilwoman · 26/11/2011 19:17

I couldn't disagree more that adult birthdays don't matter. I too like to make things magical for others' OP, and I understand why you are feeling miffed by such a luke warm response from your DP's.

Have a lovely day with your son. However, If you wanted some "me time" during the day, and they are happy to travel to yours, and the issue is they are not up for going out for lunch with you, I'd chance my arm and ask if they can babysit at yours whilst you book in for a spa half day :)

manticlimactic · 26/11/2011 19:19

My birthday is always overlooked too. But mine's in July

KenDoddsDadsDog · 26/11/2011 19:25

DD is only two and people have already starting to combine presents as she has a 20th December birthday. Think I am going to start doing the same even though others birthdays are in the spring and summer!

cat64 · 26/11/2011 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PontyMython · 26/11/2011 19:51

Pam my birthday is the 7th too :)