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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be peeved at the lack of interest in my Christmas birthday?

83 replies

wideawakenurse · 26/11/2011 17:20

My birthday falls on the 22nd of December. I am pretty used to it being a bit of a non-event, given how close it is to Xmas.

DH will be working away for it this year, but the day itself falls on one of my days off from work. Our local toddler group that we go to on a Thursday will be closed.

We have had a bit of a difficult year with illness etc, and by then I'll be 28 weeks pregnant too.

I mentioned today to my mother it would be great to see her and my father that day. They do make the journey to us by train (takes 1hour) as they hate driving round the M25. I explained it would be lovely to see them and we could all, including my DS, go out for lunch together.

Straight away her response, was "Well, its far too close to Christmas" to do that". I sort of joked that, yes it was near xmas, as it always is every year, but it would be lovely to celebrate it. The last time I went out for my birthday was 5 years ago for my 30th. She pretty much dismissed the idea, and made me feel as if I was asking too much and that it was somehow my fault it's so near Christmas.

AIBU to be hurt by this? Funnily enough DS's birthday is near Christmas too and I can't ever imagine putting in the same effort for him as I would if he had a birthday at any other time of the year.

OP posts:
PamBeesly · 26/11/2011 19:57

ponty my birthday pal :) I'll be 28!

LydiaWickham · 26/11/2011 20:00

so your DS goes to nursery some days but not on that day? Can you call them on monday and see if they can take him for an extra morning/afternoon so you can go do somehting fun/pampering. The nursery will probably have children off for christmas already and have extra places. Be sure to tell them it's your birthday, because if they are anything like DS's nursery you'll pick him up with a lovely card made for you!

I would start mentioning it at the toddler group this week and ask if anyone wants to come over for cake and a play date.

If you can't get anyone over in the evening to share your takeaway, can you get your DH on skype and have dinner together anyway?

south345 · 26/11/2011 20:06

Ds2's birthday is 27th dec and all his grandparents forgot his 1st birthday last year but we don't see them much so we just make sure we remember and make a fuss. We are taking a birthday cake to a family gathering on boxing day as we did last year (gp's won't be there) as those relatives always make an effort. Was going to have a party but thought many will be away or busy.

Original poster
wideawakenurse · 27/11/2011 08:06

Sorry for not coming back to this last night. Thank you all again for your responses and ideas.

cat - my inlaws are 200 miles away! So that, combined with my parents lack of commitment and help at times can be a strain on DH and I.

I am feeling lots better about it though. Yes, I'll see if any friends are still around that day for a coffee. Probably won't put DS in nursery for the morning as whilst its a good idea, without a car the journey is an hour or so so not really worth it.

However, thought I might take DS to see Father Christmas somewhere, lunch somewhere child friendly like Pizza Express. Maybe a dip in the shops, depending on DS. Then after he is in bed, I'll be bathing, and TTA'ing!

OP posts:
Groovee · 27/11/2011 10:01

My birthday is the 17th and dh's is the 11th. We just plan things for us. Though 2 years ago it was just me and the kids. I cooked spag Bol for tea and took the kids to Nativity movie at the cinema. It was nice because the kids were happy to be there. Everyone else is busy on our birthdays so just the 4 of us. Best way to be probably.

PontyMython · 27/11/2011 10:36

I'll be 25 pam haha I win :o

I think having a lovely day with DS sounds like a nice plan. And buy yourself something lovely!

callmemrs · 27/11/2011 10:43

Gosh, my birthday is in May so nowhere near christmas but its never occurred to me' to expect people to be available or make a big fuss on the actual day. Tbh I am usually at work anyway! Why not arrange a party of meal out on the weekend before? Thats what most people would do anyway when their birthday falls on a weekday. I think as an adult, unless its a really special birthday like a 40th, you wouldn't really expect other people to be free to do stuff on the actual day. Actually thinking back, I worked on my 40th too, and just arranged a gathering on the nearest weekend

pickledsiblings · 27/11/2011 10:47

WAN, I hope you have a lovely birthday with your DS Smile

Unfortunately, as parents get older they do tend to get more crotchety and intolerant and less able to see the good in people (imvho and based on my own experience). There comes a point when we just have to accept that they are our parents and we love them, flaws and all - we cannot hope to change them. I would say that you should probably lower your expectations of your parents as they get older. Don't see it as a personal slight that they don't want to spend your birthday with you but instead focus on what there is to respect in them. I don't think my parents ever made my birthday special but I've never held it against them. You are obviously a very lovely person and I'm sure your parents must have had some positive input Smile.

birdsofshoreandsea · 27/11/2011 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kaekae · 27/11/2011 11:04

I have totally given up doing anything on my birthday, 30th December. One year my mum thought a happy birthday text was good enough!

usingapseudonym · 27/11/2011 11:59

My birthday is in March but as my husband is away mon-fri it usually is just me and a toddler (and this year I was pregnant too!). I think its partly just life to be honest!!

My parents would send a card and sometimes have been around weekend before/after but I wouldn't expect any special fuss from them (of course it would be lovely but it just isn't "them".)

I think many adult birthdays are non-events unless you organise something yourself - that's just how it goes!!

auntiepicklebottom2 · 27/11/2011 12:31

op i feel your pain...my birthday is the 14th and i got sick and tired of waiting for something happening, so i plan it myself now.

NewChoos · 27/11/2011 15:48

OP - your mother sounds like a narc (lots of threads on relationship board re narc parents - have one myself....). I have learnt, I can't change my mum's behaviour but I can change how I respond to it. I no longer allow myself to get as upset about actions/comments or lack of.
I hope you have a special day however you spend it and of course YANBU.

FabbyChic · 27/11/2011 15:51

Mine falls on the 17th and I won't even get a card let alone a present. My eldest of 23 has never bought a card all through Uni and he says why would he change that this year just because he is working. I've told my youngest not to bother but he did previousy buy cards and presents, but he just started Uni and I don't want him to waste anything on me.

So for me my 47th birthday will go without celebration.

TheHumancatapult · 27/11/2011 15:55

it is sad but am going to say teh train journey with it being near christmas will be a nightmare

QuintessentialMercury · 27/11/2011 15:58

Get a grip. You are an adult now. Do you really think your parents should travel down to see you on your birthday? I am sure they were putting in the effort when you were a child.

NewChoos · 27/11/2011 16:07

OP has explained earlier in the thread that childhood wasn't ideal. I am sure the disappointment isn't just about this particular birthday but many birthdays and other occasions.

flyingspaghettimonster · 27/11/2011 16:17

Sorry you are feeling overlooked :-( I'm on the 18th December and my birthday was usually combined with Christmas so I understand how you feel. We rarely get a meal out with friends as it coincides with Christmas parties, 'work do's, hair dresser appt. and last minute panic shopping.

I guess you should just find something nice to do with your child and maybe some of the other mothers from the toddler group could go for lunch with you? I hope your husband will do something to celebrate either before or after he goes away. We always try to have a date night somewhere near the big day.

idlingabout · 27/11/2011 17:20

''I think many adult birthdays are non-events unless you organise something yourself - that's just how it goes!!''

We are in the situation where dp is trying to do just this for his 50th birthday. Asked friends and family to keep 17th Dec free back in Sept, sent invites end Oct. Already getting people who initially said they could come, dropping out because of a work christmas event or a child's carol concert. FFS he is only 50 once, and it is not his fault his birthday is in December. It is so frustrating for December and January birthday people as they are somehow expected to put up with 'second best' consideration when their siblings with birthdays in the summer don't.

2rebecca · 27/11/2011 17:31

I think it's a shame they can't make the effort, after all 3 days before Christmas you shouldn't be that busy as most stuff should have been bought by then and posted if it needs posted. I find about 2 weeks before Christmas , when one of my kids has a birthday is much busier, but I still make a big effort for his birthday, after all as you say it is the same day each year so you just block that day out. You've given her 3 weeks notice.
If they are that miserable you're as well without them. When your kids get older you'll have them to celebrate with.

strawberry17 · 27/11/2011 17:39

I do feel your pain, my birthday is the 29th and as far as most people concerned it always has been a non event, but my parents have always been brilliant and made it a seperate event to Christmas, even now. It does hurt though that people do forget.

cat64 · 27/11/2011 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
wideawakenurse · 27/11/2011 19:49

Lots of good advice again, I do really appreciate it.

Choos - you have hit the nail on the head, in fact I have posted on the stately homes thread a few times. Every now and again I have had a realisation that certain aspects of my childhood were far from right. At the moment though I am not ready to explore it further. But I totally understand I need to come to a place of acceptance for my own peace of mind.

I know this is AIBU and I should be prepared to brace up for some hardcore comments. But being told to get a grip is a little harsh. I hope I have tried to explain that in retrospect it's not the act of my birthday but rather my Mothers automatic response which made me feel about 5 years old.

I think what is hard to swallow is that despite my parents lack of commitment, they still expect so much from me. 100% attendance at all family functions as and when they say etc. I am expected to give endless medical advice to random relatives. Yet if I was to dare say no and give a reasonable excuse as to why not, the response would be dreadful.

Catch 22!

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 27/11/2011 20:09
  1. you're an adult and it's almost inevitable that adult birthdays generate far less excitement than kids ones ( to other people at least ) and
  2. You said yourself in your first post that because your ds's birthday is in December you can't imagine putting the same effort into his birthday as you would if it was any other time of year. How do you reconcile this? Saying that, I can kind of understand you feeling a bit deflated, but don't dwell on it, it's not that big a deal.
marriedinwhite · 27/11/2011 20:19

OP, you can only look forward and change what is in the here and now and ahead of you. Enjoy your day - make it really special for you and DS. Also, do make his birthday special too. Our DS was born on Xmas day and it has always made Xmas that little bit more special.

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