to ask if this would make you feel a bit miffed.....

[grumpydwarf]

Would you be a bit miffed if someone else in your extended family (am very reluctant to use the term MIL in case I get flamed as being anti-MIL) phoned up and told said to your DH that they were buying you presents from your 6mo DS and a card for Xmas?

Dont get me wrong may have some PFB about the whole thing but to me its part of the fun of being a parent that mum's but dad's cards and presents and visa versa! Luckily DH kindly put her straight that he would be buying the presents and cards for me for occasions like that as was not her job, but she swears blind that her mum did it for her from my DH when he was little. He does't remember this and I have never heard of it as my dad bought all presents for me and Sis until we were old enough to buy ourselves.

What do you MN's think?

She also said (unsolicited) that my v expensive new coat didn't look right as I had a sway back. I don't but frankly even if I did she could have kept her thoughts to herself.

Miffed b a present,how touchy are some people?, I get on well on the whole with my MIL, perhaps because I dont take everything she does as a personal attack!
Thank goodness I dont have boys or when the have partners I would be too scared to speak!

MrBloom do you have certain milestones which you want to complete with your children? How would you feel if your MIL got in there first? The OP wanted to have the pleasure of getting a gift for the Father and writing "from baby" or whatever....a simple desire....and it was taken from her. It's not a MILS job to do that.

I also love doing little crafty things and treasure a lot of moments which some people might not even think of as special. I think that's the difference. SOme people think of these times as very special and others just don't....which is fine and not judging...people see things differently.

Cant say I would think that deeply into a little thing fastweb, but if it meant that much to her then she could crack on but I wouldnt ask my husband to stop.

Of course you wouldn't. You'd have to be one of those DILs who are determined to feel persecuted hell or high water to over analyse ONE little thing.

Which is why I underlined the ermergence of a pattern and over time ending up with something of a siege mentality.

Some people are unwell, some people have unfortunate personalities, some people have an unfathomable need to inject crisis, drama and intrigue into their daily lives. Some of those people are women who have a son, who has a relationship with a woman.

Refusing to acknowledge that MIL status does not confer a special immunity from being a tad fucked up, unpleasant and prone to being very territorial/status orientated in relationship terms is a very blunt tool towards fighting a long established prejudice against the mothers of grown up sons.

Personally I think things will probably be less prone to so much tension in the MIL/DIL dynamic in the future.

Times have changed and women are less confined to ring fencing their more competatative side, their status, their identity in the arena of motherhood, chief housewife, matriach etc. Which hopefully should dilute the impetus to become highly defensive and offensive when a pretender to the throne arrives on the scene.

But many of us are currently dealing with a dynamic coloured by women who grew up in a very different era. My MIL was dominated and made subserviant to the Grand Matriachs, her mother and MIL. Her whole identity is focused on wife/mother/ finally being Queen of the household. And I think she wants her pound of flesh as pay back for what she went through as junior wife/mother.

She believed her time would come, and that would be her time until death, just like it had been when the boot was on the other foot.

I'm not convinced the same mentality will be brought to the table by future generations of women, not to the same degree anyway.

I doubt the MIL/DIL relationship will magically become tension free, but it might become somewhat diluted where female focus is no longer so confined to home and family.

You have a point Mumbling - I do try not to be judgy normally.
My MIL is great and would do something like that and mean it in a lovely way, not trying to take any thing away - it appears I am very lucky

fastweb great post. Totally agree. I am one of the next generation and have zero concern about anything DS1s partner does or thinks. I barely know her, if he likes her, she's probably ok and that's good enough for me.
They aren't married and don't live together, so I accept it's not quite the same, but it is a serious relationship.