to ask if this would make you feel a bit miffed.....

[grumpydwarf]

Would you be a bit miffed if someone else in your extended family (am very reluctant to use the term MIL in case I get flamed as being anti-MIL) phoned up and told said to your DH that they were buying you presents from your 6mo DS and a card for Xmas?

Dont get me wrong may have some PFB about the whole thing but to me its part of the fun of being a parent that mum's but dad's cards and presents and visa versa! Luckily DH kindly put her straight that he would be buying the presents and cards for me for occasions like that as was not her job, but she swears blind that her mum did it for her from my DH when he was little. He does't remember this and I have never heard of it as my dad bought all presents for me and Sis until we were old enough to buy ourselves.

What do you MN's think?

Actually, thinking about it further, if this is your first christmas as a 'mum' could it be that FIL didn't get gifts from her DCs to 'mummy' and she wished she did get a gift from her DCs? Could it be that she thought it would be a nice thing to get and didn't think your DH would be organised enough to do it?

Wow I am not my MIL's biggest fan, and admit to being overly sensitive when it comes to her (although based on her past behaviour I do have reason to be). But even I could not spin this into a negative. She wants to buy you a present from you son........what a fucking bitch .
How the fuck would this stop your DH buying a present also if he wanted? Miffed really? 'Put her straight'...God love her what a kick in the teeth from her son. Some MILS can't win.

thanks for the posts ladies. I can see from re-reading my original post that yes you are right I do sound very ungrateful and very spoiled (mimics throwing toys out pram) but.......

as *fastweb" says I know that it is a minor thing that when grouped collectively with other "power struggles" take to becoming the very old fashioned MIL/DIL fraught relationship battle.

Our relationship has become progressively worse since birth of DS between my new mummy hormones and her overbearing helpful advice and decision making on behalf of me, husband and son its all just getting a little tense.

When I said put her straight I didn't mean he said "oh no you evil witch how dare you" blah blah blah/. He just explained that he was looking forward to buying the baby's presents and that altought he appreciated the offer it wasn't necessary. Unfortunately he had her on speakerphone so I know that this was not met in the kindest way from her (i heard a few tears at not getting her own way :( ) I'm just glad that he spoke to her about it instead of her talking to me as have been put in a few of these situations now and am finally ignoring the tears and tantrums.

So in all yes I sound like an ungrateful DIL from hell but trust me I could tell you stories that would all make you realise why I was miffed at this and completely get the anti-DIL coming after me with their pitchforks! Minor issue but in grand scheme of things its a mum/dad decision or job and I cant help the way I feel!

Thanks for your posts thou!

So why did you bother to post then?

because I wanted to know if other peoples extended family bought presents for them from their babies?

No, you asked if it was reasonable to feel miffed.

yes and apparently Im not reasonable so Hey I have to accept my limitations in life I guess.........

I think it's hard to be objective about these sorts of things because it depends entirely on what sort of relationship you have with you MIL. If she has form for being over bearing then something like this feels like one more irritating gesture. It's very hard sometimes to decide what is a thoughtful act and what is an act of control. So although you look a tad ungrateful I think I can see where you are comeing from.

I remember after ds1 was born MIL went out and bought DH a fathers day card as it was just a couple of weeks after ds had arrived. I'm sure it was well meant but I had already sorted one out and for some reason it irritated me no end! BUT my MIL does have form for being a bit controlling and a bit free with her less that charitable opinions!

Then I'd let this one go and save my battles for the important stuff...

Of course Yanbu. What a nasty horrible mean mil you have, fancy her wanting to buy you a present how very dare she.

Moral of the OP's posts. Maybe give a bit of background when posting initial ask?

Ah love.

It's not easy when you get dragged into boundry enforcement for the sake of staving off escalation.

Still, we can think of it as being MILs in training.

At least we'll know what not to do.

We had massive floods of tears on the phone last night too, due to PheasantGate 3.0

It still upsets DH when she cries, but after more than 15 years of this he is a lot more hardened to it than he was at the start.

It is just particulary rough when there is a new baby in the equation I found, so many dynamics and roles changing, lack of sleep and having to be on constant look out for Mission Creep.

Here have a big fat hug. And lets have a DDXA (DILs Dreading Xmas Anonomous) quiche thread.

All both of us

You came back to the post, OP, to ask if other people have extended families which do these things...

My mum might do something like that, but hasn't ever done so. My MIL buys DC presents because she knows that is what is expected of her as a gran, not because she actually wants to do so.

I think you are BVVU, and I really don't often say that to anyone.

I think it's odd.

Of course if she was being kind, she could have asked your dh if he would like her to get something to help him out.

Yes I think the op was severely lacking in relevant back story resulting in the need for a drip drip... So I'm out. Drip feeding is worse than unreasonable behaviour

I don't

I have never ever ever ever heard of a single MIL, nice nasty or indifferent, buying presents to the parents from the baby. Ever.

Odd. Odd as an odd thing can be.

So your MIL wanted to repeat a family tradition that says you get an extra present from her, that's labelled as being from your DS, and you 'put her straight'?

You sound rather cheerless and odd to me. Hope your MIL wasn't hurt by the refusal.

Ah, ok - just read OP's most recent post. So there's a history of infringements here. I can see how it might seem a bit much in that context.

Good luck negotiating things with your MIL OP

i heard a few tears at not getting her own way

now this is interesting. Does this mean that whenever a woman, or anyone adult, cries its because they havent got their own way? Or could it mean that they are feeling hurt, upset, genuinely distressed?

I have never ever ever ever heard of a single MIL, nice nasty or indifferent, buying presents to the parents from the baby. Ever.

Or mother of the mother come to that.

It's not something we do, if I buy a pressie for DH I want full credit, but I know other people enjoy it. But seems to be a "parent" rather than "grandparent" thing.

Yes, now I am intrigued. So lots of you do that then?

It's not something I've heard of.

I said upthread that I think it's for the new family to set the traditions.

Oh bless her! OP...not good form. To be clear - YABU!!!

Does this mean that whenever a woman, or anyone adult, cries its because they havent got their own way? Or could it mean that they are feeling hurt, upset, genuinely distressed?

Context matters. If somebody doesn't feel inclined to include one of your traditions, a tradition incidentally your own children don't even remember, let alone treasure, do you burst into tears all over your son, or do you typically keep a certain degree of self control even if really put out, cross or hurt ?

Tears are an over reaction in these circs IMO, (possibly becuase I tend not to leak all over people unless we are talking about serious, important upsets).

So perhaps the OP is not too far out in her assessment that they were more a tool of manipulation than genuine distress.

Some DILs are horrible to their MILs cos they enjoy a good persecution complex, some MILS are addicted to the drama of constantly creating scenes based on strong arming their DILs into setting and maintaining boundries.

If the DIL over reacted by knocking back the gift, then how is floods of tears in response not an even greater over reaction ?

If the DIL should just gracefully accepted the offer of gifts, should the MIL not also be held to the principle of gracefully accepting (sans tears) that not all her traditions have a place in the next generations recreation of family traditions ?

Thank you fastweb for your comments and advice. I can see that most of the posters are obviously lucky enough to have a wonderful relationship with their MIL's and thats great for them. I wish I could be the same.

Apologises for the drip feeding I didn't want to be labeled as an anti-MIL poster who started a bashing thread and was actually looking for helpful comments and maybe words of advice. I can see that with a few exceptions I was completely wrong to expect that on here.

I will instantly banish myself to the far corner of the web, revoke my membership to hunsnet mumsnet and give myself 60 lashings for actually having feelings! all in all completely thrilled with the sarcasm and unhelpful comments that most have posted.

By the way word to the wise swearing is overused by some and I sincerely hope that you do not use these words in front of your children. and "farking" is not much better than the original word!