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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if this would make you feel a bit miffed.....

106 replies

grumpydwarf · 25/11/2011 11:06

Would you be a bit miffed if someone else in your extended family (am very reluctant to use the term MIL in case I get flamed as being anti-MIL) phoned up and told said to your DH that they were buying you presents from your 6mo DS and a card for Xmas?

Dont get me wrong may have some PFB about the whole thing but to me its part of the fun of being a parent that mum's but dad's cards and presents and visa versa! Luckily DH kindly put her straight that he would be buying the presents and cards for me for occasions like that as was not her job, but she swears blind that her mum did it for her from my DH when he was little. He does't remember this and I have never heard of it as my dad bought all presents for me and Sis until we were old enough to buy ourselves.

What do you MN's think?

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 25/11/2011 22:36

Tis odd but you know I'd drop a few hints to mil that tiny baby is desperate to get you a mulberry handbag Wink

Bet she stops the tradition pretty sharpish then.

Soups · 25/11/2011 22:55

I've not heard of such a thing before, if my MIL or mother decided to buy me a present from my child I'd be a little confused, confused isn't really the right word but I'd be scratching my head and muttering "why?". How I felt would very much depend on my relationship with them. It's one of those acts that could be innocent and someone being cute, or not.

When they were young we did buy a present from the kids to the other parent, these days we give them money and go out to choose with them. It's part of what we do to introduce them to thinking about giving, but it's what we do, not their grandparents.

Soups · 25/11/2011 22:56

I like MrsCampbellBlack suggestion Grin

FredFredGeorge · 25/11/2011 23:03

YANBU if your MIL wanted to buy you a gift, she can buy a gift, it's from her, to step into the child/parent relationship is odd - certainly at 6 months the child isn't going to care, but how long would the MIL continue with the act, in a year or so the child can start picking things to buy, if the MIL is off buying them seperately that won't happen.

Presents are down to the giver (although they should respect the givee if they say they don't want them, it's unbelievably rude to ignore the wishes of someone) but to pretend they come from someone else is just odd.

Arachnophobic · 25/11/2011 23:05

I like your last post grumpy perhaps I will join you.

I don't get some of the responses on here either, regardless of whether she was my MIL, mother, sister etc I would find the approach she wanted to take a tad odd.

You can't be blamed for feeling the way you do, your feelings are entirely subjective and based on the situation as you read it.

Arachnophobic · 25/11/2011 23:06

And what soups said.

fastweb · 25/11/2011 23:22

I'd be scratching my head and muttering "why"

I know it probably looks incomprehensible if you have a nice, friendly, non power stuggley, drama prone MIL (or sister, uncle, neighbour ... take your pick, it's not exclusive to the DIL/MIL dynamic)

But you did actually get to the heart of the matter in your post.

It's part of what we do to introduce them to thinking about giving, but it's what we do, not their grandparents.

Call it "role upscaling" or a form of "turf war", but encroaching on areas (uninvited, with drama if overtures are rebuffed) that tend to be the relm of parents rather than grandparents/other relatives, is a pretty effective, indirect way to give notice that you intend to reject a "lesser" role by diminishing the primary/exclusive nature of the parental role.

It's got nothing to do with presents from children or pheasants.

Its more like older Tom cats going about spraying on younger male cats' newly won territory, to let them know the old king of the heap is still boss, and the young upstart should know their place.

Not that I've spent 15 years over analysing it or anything

loopylou6 · 25/11/2011 23:26

By the way. I wouldn't piss on my mil UFO she was in fire :)

loopylou6 · 25/11/2011 23:27

IF. if. if.

Soups · 26/11/2011 00:00

fastweb, yup.

SouthStar · 26/11/2011 00:03

I think thats nice of her, altho id prefer my dh to do. Mainly because he is a soppy sod and really puts thought into gifts from the kids.

fastweb · 26/11/2011 00:33

I think thats nice of her, altho id prefer my dh to do. Mainly because he is a soppy sod and really puts thought into gifts from the kids.

So immagine for minute that she told you, not asked, told you, that she was going to do it. And you and DH responded that as nice an idea as it was you'd prefer HIM to do that bit. Fpr the reasons you outlined above.

And she burst into tears.

The first time you might panic, think oh shit I've really upset her. Backtrack and despite your prefernces let her do what she wants.

Fast forward a few months/years/decades...and you notice a pattern, and your own growing sense of disquiet that you are being played and forced into the bad guy role.

You might not find it so nice by the time that dynamic has become etablished and you have to push it back in a more foreceful way than you are comfortable using under normal circs.

In fact you might feel well and truely manipulated.

And by that point it is not unusual start to view all acts/pronouncemnts in a more suspitious light.

Which is why I suspect the OP didn't give an overt back story and asked to see if the granny buy, baby give present was a norm. To double check that her constant "alert to potential manipulation" state hadn't inadvertantly lead to her leaping all over her MIL for something that was actually innocent.

And possibly to find some support. Cos the sort of seige mentality that superfically innoccous whimsey can create does rather leave you feeling a bit lonely, misjudged and misunderstood.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 26/11/2011 00:36

It may be that we're both unreasonable but I had a similar issue with my MIL. The Christmas I was about 5 months pg with my PFB she bought me all the new baby's layette in newborn size and presented it to me as a Christmas present. I wanted to buy that stuff for my baby and I felt she'd jumped in at a ridiculously early stage to take away one of the fun things I'd been looking forward to doing for my baby. I spent quite a bit of Christmas day crying in the toilet. This might seem ungrateful but it hurt me deeply and still does.

She also has bought me presents from the children for Christmas. I now just accept it as extra little gift and don't let it impact on what DH or I might also be getting.

She also got my children a wooden advent calendar last year which we used. Now this year she first mentioned the advent calendar in October and bought some Christmas chocs in it. This basically mean neither we, nor my parents can really buy an advent calendar for the children.

On the face of it all these things are kind but I think they are my MIL being controlling and trying to dictate how we do things as a family. And getting in their early to stop anyone else having the chance to do it. Maybe I'm ungrateful but it makes me want to cry.

SouthStar · 26/11/2011 00:44

Cant say I would think that deeply into a little thing fastweb, but if it meant that much to her then she could crack on but I wouldnt ask my husband to stop.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 26/11/2011 00:53

she swears blind that her mum did it for her

And that's the key phrase. HER MUM did it. Very different imo than your MIL doing it.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 26/11/2011 00:56

Ghoul my MIL tok my DD to the fecking fair for her first time without me!

My Mum bought her her first dolls house and her first bike...no prior notice....I would personally retire the wooden advent next year and if MILsays "Oh I got these chocs" then say

"Oh I have made them one in felt...it's always been something I wanted to do and thought I might save your nice wooden one for when they're bigger."

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 26/11/2011 00:59

fastweb Exactly!

My MIL was a winner at that game. Thank fuck she lives abroad! She's
nuts really full on and I SO understand you OP....

Fluffymonster · 26/11/2011 01:02

My MIL wrote DP a birthday card addfressed to 'Daddy', on behalf of our 11mth old DD once and it annoyed the hell out of me.

She actually gave it to me to hand to him on his birthday, so there wasn't even any 'telling' me beforehand - it just appeared, and I was told that it was for him. I felt as though it was stepping over a boundary, because if anyone was going to write cards 'from' our DD, it should be one of the parents. It's just a whimsical, cutesy thing - but a parent's role rather than extended family. In fact the resentment was precisely because I had been looking forward to making a homemade card from DD to her Dad (you know, handprint picture on the front etc.). And it felt like she took over that moment. It did feel a bit like usurping me, to my face - quite disrespectful.

Anyway, I accepted the card graciously. But still made my own card with dd exactly as I'd planned - with glitter writing, handprint, photo, the lot. He put them both up on display in the lounge, both 'from' dd, and they were still there the next time MIL visited. I didn't point them out, but it wouldn't surprise me if she had a browse through. Not sure if it's mere coincidence but she hasn't done it again.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 26/11/2011 01:09

Mumbling - It's shit isn't it? Yes those are lovely things but why don't they consider that we might want to do them too? At least ask in advance and in a way that lets us as parents say we want to do that. I know a lot on MN will say at least they want to be involved and I agree that not caring would be worse. But it doesn't mean it's not still upsetting for us as parents.

I think you're right re the wooden advent calendar. I have actually got Peppa Pig and a Thomas the Tank Engine ones so think I might use those and let the children have MIL's chocolates over Christmas instead. The advent calendar could accidentally get left in the loft :)

SouthStar · 26/11/2011 01:09

My MIL wrote DP a birthday card addfressed to 'Daddy', on behalf of our 11mth old DD once and it annoyed the hell out of me

Now that would seriously pee me off, to go ahead and do it without even asking is just rude. Glad she had the sense to not do it again.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 26/11/2011 01:10

Ha! Glad you stuck up for yourself Fluffy I do think a lot of MILS are sane and normal but a good number do play some insideous game with their DILS.

Mine tried a weird thing when she stayed with us...she would ignore me entirely when DH was not with us...but then be all effusive and chatty when he was!
It was so upsetting.

She actually blatantly blanked me when I spoke directly to her!

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 26/11/2011 01:11

I hope OP comes back to see that if she is being unreasonable she's in good company!

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 26/11/2011 01:12

Good one ghoul choosing a crappy advent is part of the good stuff. Mine have a Peppa one and a Simpsons one!

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 26/11/2011 01:12

Yes me too....the cavalry arrived too late!

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 26/11/2011 01:19

Mumbling - I think it would piss her off for her fancy advent calendar to be replaced by a tat-tastic one that the children will adore! Perhaps i should play her at her own game.

Yours sounds horrid. I can't believe she blanks you. Mine doesn't do that but she does often make jibes about my figure - "you'd only get out what you put in figure-wise" said of a modest Laura Ashley dress which I was only saying looked nice on hanger. Pretty mean I think.